The Jerry Springer Show

Since there is nothing of great importance for me to talk about this week, I've decided to go into the Awkward vault and share with you a story that happened about five years ago...

I had just graduated college with all the hopes, aspirations, and dreams in the world. I've always been very fond of the entertainment industry and knew that I wanted to write for TV/Film. To avoid moving to LA or New York, I thought why not and work for the "Jerry Springer Show." And that's what I did for about five months of my life. My position title was Production Intern. I thought this internship would open numerous doors for me in the industry. Even though the show had no writers, my naive self thought maybe I could be the first one. I can't say my five months at Springer were an enjoyable experience, but I can say that many interesting stories resulted from it.

We would normally fly the guests in the day before the show. The show paid for all the airfare, hotels, and food. The guests are not paid at all to come on the show. So when the guests fly in, the producers want them to be entertained and have a fun-filled day in Chicago. Because the happier the guests are, the more responsive they'll be to the producer, and the better the show will be. Many of these guests have never been to a big city like Chicago and to avoid them staying out of trouble, they need a chaperon. Any guesses of who that chaperon would be? It's not Jerry... It's not that Bald-Headed A-Hole, Steve Wilko.... It was me! Yes, I was given the great responsibility of entertaining these freaks for a whole day. We would take a lovely waltz down to Navy Pier, stroll down the Magnificent Mile, play at ESPN Sports Zone, or stop in at the House of the Blues. Now don't get me wrong, some of the guests I worked with were decent human beings; others, well, they were probably the worst human beings you have ever met in your life.

One day before the taping, I waddled over to the associate producer to find out what guests would be flying in. Her response to me was that the guests were transvestites and are "awesome!" I realize some you might enjoy transvestites and have friends or family that are ones, or even have fetishes about them. Me on the other hand, I'm kind of scared of them. When I found out the news about the transvestite guests, I was worried, devastated, frightened, and nauseous all at the same time. I thought of ways to get out of it, but there weren't anyway. The only possible way out, was probably to hold Jerry Springer hostage. And we all know that would not be good for business.

The transvestites fly-in to meet me and the rest of the staff. I had no idea what to expect as far as their looks. I'm not saying I have a tranny fetish, but I've seen some decent looking ones in my day. One's where if you were in a dimly lit night club and intoxicated, you could be easily fooled. The two transvestites enter and they are the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life. Not because they were ugly transvestites, they were just downright ugly men. One looked like Cookie the Clown from the Bozo Show and the other one had a beard. Ironically, the one with the beard's real name was Jason Biggs. Strangely enough the he/she kind of looked like the actor a little bit. I thought about bringing out an apple pie and seeing how this bearded creature would react. But I did not want to risk Jason Biggs getting anymore sexually riled up. I realize these transvestites were obviously pre-op, but if you are going to dedicate yourself to looking like a woman, I think you would at least shave off your facial hair. But what the hell do I know?

It was time for me to take Cookie the Clown and Jason Biggs to their hotel and check them in. I remember walking them to their room and being a little nervous. Here are theoretically two men who could easily have their way and gang-bang me if they chose to. I'm not sayin I'm some hot young piece of ass, but I'm do-able for an ugly tranny. I open the door to their room, because we have pratically do everything for these people. They follow me in and the door shuts. The room is pinched dark and I can't see a friggin thing. I start to panic to find a light switch before I get tossed on the bed like a rag doll. I swipe my hands across the wall furiously, hoping that I'll come across a light switch or even a fire alarm. Fortunately, I find the light switch and my clothes were still on. Even though it only took me a minute to find the switch, it felt like an eternity. I quickly ask if they are okay, they reply yes, and then I get the hell out of there.

I get back to the Springer office, hoping and praying that I'm done with them. But no, there's more. The associate producer tells me that I would be accompanying them to the House of Blues because they want to go out on the town. I gave a second thought to seriously holding Jerry hostage, but again I wussed out, so I go back to the hotel to meet with my buds Cookie and Jason. They are now all dolled and ready to party. They wear the tightest, sluttiest dresses, that I don't even think prostitutes would wear. And of course, they have piled on tons of perfume. We head over in a cab to the House of Blues. I walk in with the two scantily, ugly transvestites, and here I am wearing an Indiana gray hoodie. Can you tell which person doesn't belong? The whole place is literally silent. It was almost everything stopped at once. Every single person in the joint, is staring at us when their jaws dropped. And there had to be a good 50 people in there. I prayed to God, hoping that there was not one single person there that knew of my existence. I could just picture, somebody I grew up with having dinner at the HOB, wondering, "Hmmm, I wonder what that Jonno (Me) is up to these days." And then boom, here I walk in with the trannies. I could not handle the humiliation and awkwardness any longer. I knew I was suppose to stay with the trannies for a little bit and hang out with them. But I couldn't do it. I got them a table, made sure they were situated, and got the hell out of there.

I don't remember how the show went the next day, nor do I give a crap. All I know is that I will never forget Cookie the Clown and Jason Biggs. Their existence will forever be embedded into my brain. And I don't think I have ever been more scared in my life, than the one minute I was locked into that dark hotel room with them. I hope they are doing okay and maybe have shaved a little bit. Heck, maybe I can even reach out to them on facebook or something and we can reminisce about the Good Old Springer Days. If any of you or know anybody that have a desire to work for the Jerry Springer Show, my advice would be pretty simple... May God Bless You.

I'm Out!

Zack and Miri and Grandmas Make A Porno

This past weekend I had the pleasure of viewing "Zack and Miri Make A Porno." And don't worry I didn't pull a Pee-Wee Herman at the theater. I already did that for "High School Musical 3." What? You obviously did not see the Zack Efron shower scene. Anyways, I waddle into the theater with my big bucket of popcorn and beverage. I don't know about you, but I am cursed at movie theaters. No matter where I sit, what time of day, or how long the movie has been out, I always have some idiot sit by me and ruin the movie. I wish I could be one of those people who can tune it out. But I can't. I also wish I could be one of those people who say something out loud to the idiots. But I can't. Instead I give some sort of mean looking stare, thinking that my intimidating facial expression is going to get the idiots to shut the hell up. When in reality, I look as harmless as a little puppy in the fetal position. Not sure why I used that reference, but let's just go with it.

So whenever I walk into the theater I try to think the opposite of what a normal person would do. And in general most people are lazy. So if I have a choice to enter through the left side or the right side, I will go into the side that is the least convenient. I know it might sound crazy, but for some reason it works. Now this is something I still don't get and maybe some of you can help me out with this... What is the fascination with sitting in the middle? It makes no difference for the movie experience. Don't you realize that? So not only do you have to squeeze by people in the aisle, but you have to surround yourself with people you have no desire to sit by. I can't even tell you the last time I've sat in the middle. My strategy is always to sit in an aisle seat, away from the idiots. I don't know what it is, but I have this psychic ability to tell whose is going to be annoying and disruptive. Just by looking at somebody for one second, I can sense if they are going to be a loud-mouth jackass. Some people find cures, I find the idiots.

So we sit in our seats. An aisle seat towards the back of course. There's a group of middle-aged women down the row, to the right. Now, I knew they were going to be annoying right away. But it wasn't the talking type of annoying. It was the laughing type. You know the type of people who laugh at every single stupid ass thing. Like the people who even laugh at the commercials and the most obvious jokes. For example, when somebody falls down or gets hit the face. These women were rolling on the ground laughing. Man, where were those women when I bombed at doing stand-up? I don't like it, but the laughing idiots are the people I can somewhat tolerate. The non-stop commentary and I'm-so-popular-I-have-a-cellphone idiots, are a whole other story.

There is one other type of movie-goer nobody likes to sit by. And that's the elderly demographic. Don't get me wrong, I love my sweet elderly people. Heck, I practically am one. But if there are two places we rather avoid the elderly - at restaurants and movies. I don't know what it is about them, but they don't know how to shut the hell up when the lights go down. Maybe they don't care anymore or they don't realize it, but whatever the case is they're annoying. So the movie is about to start, I'm sitting in my aisle seat, stuffing my face with popcorn like how a person would eat in a pie eating contest. My laughing buffoons are sitting to my right. Not the best situation, but I can deal with it. Then out of nowhere come these three elderly ladies. And I can hear them talking miles away. I don't know if God was trying to punk me here, but I was devastated. I felt like a fat kid dropping his ice cream cone. They walk up slowly and of course sit in the row behind me. Not directly behind me, but a few seats down. I turned to my GF, with a look of devastation. I could not believe it. When you go see a movie called "Zack and Miri Make A PORNO" you doubt that you would have to worry about the older demographic. I don't know what these three older ladies were thinking. Maybe they were the founding sisters of Pornography or they thought they were seeing "Cocoon 3." I don't know and I was pissed off!

They sit in their seats, the movie begins, and there is non-stop chitter chatter. If you are not aware, this movie is probably the most foul-mouthed film that I've seen in a long time. I think I counted a total of 100 instances they used the words "Cock" and "Pussy" in the first five minutes. I tried my best to block out the laughing buffoons and the elderly mumblings, but it was way too much for my ADD to handle. Finally about a half hour into the movie and the one thousand mention of the word "anal" the elderly trio got up and walked out. Thank the Jewish Lord for that one! Whew! Now all I had to do was put up with the laughing buffoons. The movie was fair, it got a little too slow for me. But I would recommend maybe seeing it when it comes out on DVD, because some of the dialogue is pretty good. Seth Rogen pulls off his same old shtick and Craig Robinson from "The Office" has some good lines. But what's the deal with Elizabeth Banks? Not only is she in the movie I was watching, but also two previews as well. I mean is she taking over Hollywood or something? Producers and casting directors.... Give it a rest with the Elizabeth Bank overkill. I beg you!

I apologize for the Elizabeth Banks rant. It was something I needed to get off my chest. In conclusion, I realize there is no way to stop idiots, laughing buffoons, hey look at me cell phone guy, or the elderly commentators. But one thing we can stop, is for people to be informed about the movie before they decide to go see it. All it takes is a simple phone call to your grandmother/grandfather, or informing a random elderly person walking down the street and letting them know that "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" is not a good movie for them to see. Little by little, with every body's help, we can make a difference. We can change.

I'm Out!

The 5K, Cosby Kid, Fire Hydrant Race

This past weekend I had the pleasure of participating in my first ever 5K race. I know some of you may say, "What's the big deal about a 5K?" "Try doing a 10K or a half marathon, then write a friggin blog." You would be surprised to find out that the 5K race is a huge milestone for me. I would love to lie to you and tell you I'm this miraculous individual who made an unthinkable recovery after breaking both legs and was told by doctors that I would never be able to walk again. My situation was something of far more importance. I was a fat kid my friends.

I remember in gym class when we had to do the atrocious annual mile run. It was the day we all dreaded on the calendar, the day we tried to call in sick, or the day we wanted to drop out of school. But for some reason it always seemed impossible to avoid it. No matter what we did to run away from it, the mile run would catch us. Given my physical limitations, the run was never an easy feat for me. It involved a lot of Fatty McGee wheezing, walking, panting, and a facial expression that I had eaten too many prunes. Nevertheless, I knew one day I would be able to conquer the mile run with great ease.

Cut to today, I've been running consistently since my Junior year of college. My jogging consists of nothing too intense, two miles 3-4 times a week. I never felt the need to add any more kilometers to the work-out. In the last month or so, I've been stretching my runs to about 3 miles, with the aide of my lovely, vivacious, marathon runner GF. So it was now time to test my training and endurance. My GF and I, were going to be in Cleveland for a wedding and conveniently there was a 5K race the same weekend. So we signed up, along with her popz and her bro. The race started at 9am. I wasn't necessarily nervous by any means, but I was curious as to how I was going to perform.

I don't mean to make any of you nauseous, so I apologize beforehand. (I seem to write this in all my entries.) But I did not have my routine bathroom experience that morning, if you catch my drift. In other words, I did not drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. And I'm used to dropping Vanessa, Denise, Theo, and sometimes even Rudy during my morning routine. We get to the facility where the run was starting at. And suddenly I felt some small eruptions in the stomach area. I didn't know if it was nerves, or if I really had to use the restroom. We checked in and the eruptions were not getting any better. I thought about just waiting till after the run, but at the same time I didn't want to have to stop during the middle of the race and not be able to finish it. The other problem was that the race was going to start in the next few minutes. So I couldn't risk the race starting and then here I am bursting out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles, yelling "Wait! Wait for me!", and tripping over myself. I quickly made the executive decision to just use the restroom now and try and be as quick as possible. Mission accomplished! The Cosby Kids were dropped off at the pool, Theo did a cannonball, and we were ready to roll!

It's time for the race to start. I line up with the other runners, who are mostly middle-aged men and women. A handful of younger people and some elderly people. The gun goes off and here we go! My GF and have nice pace going. We're not going too fast, but not too slow. Her popz takes off and gets way ahead of us. (Apparently he runs races often and fast) A few minutes into the race, her bro has a little trouble keeping us with us. I know the nice thing to do is to stay with him, but this was not a war. It was a race, where you could leave men behind. I look about 100 feet ahead of us and see these two short, stocky, fire hydrant shaped women in front of us. They look like they are running pretty slow, but they are a pretty big distance in front of us. I turned to my GF and said to her, "We gotta pass them." We did not do it right away, our plan was to pace ourselves. I wasn't worried about not being able to finish the race or something like that, but at the same time I didn't want to burn myself out too early. We hit the 1st mile checkpoint and the two fire hydrants are still in front of us chugging along. They appear to be experienced and they knew how to pace themselves. But I still wasn't going to let them beat me.

We hit the 2nd mile and they're still ahead of us. I turned to my GF and gave a look like, "Let's Do It." We turned on the accelerators and headed toward the two female fire hydrants. They didn't even see it coming. They also probably didn't give a crap about us at the same time. Regardless, we passed them and it felt good. If the Cosby kids were still with me, I don't think I would've been able to pass them. We hit the 3rd mile check-point, I'm a little winded, but I know this is the time to turn it on even more. So I run the fastest that I could at that moment to the finish line. Even though I felt like I was running fast, I'm sure in reality I was going as fast as an elderly person on an electric scooter. Waiting at the finish line was my GF's popz, who had finished the race at very impressive 27 minute time. I finished at 30:30, with GF a few steps behind. The female fire hydrants finished a few minutes later. Mission accomplished.

I'm fully aware that my time was not that great. But to be a stocky kid growing up, struggling with the gym class mile run, participating in my first race, passing the fire hydrant runners... I was pleased with the performance. To make it even better, they had munchkin donuts and some water after the race. Which made the race even that more of importance to me. What can I say? I'm a simple man, with simple desires.

I'm Out!

The Tricky Electronic Voting Machine

On Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, along with many millions of American citizens, I voted. Because I have moved cross country twice in the last year or so, I voted at a library in the southwest suburbs. Given the major celebrity that I am, I unfortunately cannot give you the address of my location. But if you are a curious young boy of about 7, maybe we can work something out. Big Brother settle down, I'm only kidding.

So I waddle over to the line and it's a decent turn-out. There were probably about 8 or 9 people waiting in front of me. The majority of the people were in the 50-70 age range. Which I fit perfectly in, given that I feel like a 70-year-old man trapped in a 27-year-old body. There were about 5 judges sitting down behind a table, with a box of dunkin donuts on top of it. Because I did not have any breakfast my fat kid instincts were kicking in like no other. Then out of nowhere, some man in a trench coat, almost God-like, drops off a box of variety donut holes from some local bakery. Some of the donut holes evcn had rainbow sprinkles on it! If you know anything about me, it's that I get hard on for rainbow sprinkles. Right at that moment, I thought," I must be a judge in 20012!"

I'm finally second in line and almost ready to vote. There is a gentleman, I suspect in his later 50's in front of me. One of the judges, all of the sudden makes it known, that there is a machine available to use. She says, "It's an electronic machine. It takes a little longer, but its easy to use." The gentleman does not answer, presumably because he wanted to fill out his ballot the traditional way. Bastard! So did I! I don't blame him, but he didn't have to leave me hanging out to dry. So now all eyes on me. Given that, I was representing the youth of America at this voting destination and for the sake of the long line, I loudly proclaimed, "I'll do it." I know people were thinking in their heads, "Wow look at how brave and courage this young man is." Or others may have of thought, "Why does he keep staring at those rainbow sprinkled donut holes?"

I then sat down face to face with my electronic machine. I correctly fed my ballot into machine. So far so good. The ballot was now electronically displayed on the screen and all I had to do was touch screen my votes. Seem easy right? One would think so. I accurately place my finger on the circle next to Obama/Biden (I would've voted for Alf, but his name was not on the ballot). And for some reason this electronic machine, filled in the circle next to McCain/Palin. I mean don't get me wrong, my dad is a Maverick and my mother is a Hockey Mom, and I once dated a Plumber named Joe... Regardless, that's not who I wanted to vote for! I touched the Obama/Biden circle again and it worked. Whew! Now came for the next 20 selections. The touch screen got progressively worse. I would touch the circle of who I wanted to vote for and nothing would happen. I would touch it five, six times and would get nothing. It was almost like the ATM machines, when you are trying withdrawal money. And you want to withdraw $40 and the somehow the machine thinks you hit $20. That error was occurring non-stop! It got to the point with some of the judges, where if the machine selected a different one than I had selected, I just moved on and didn't fix the error. I just wanted to get the heck away from this machine! I turn around and noticed an old lady in a wheel chair behind me. She was waiting to use the same demonic machine, because it was the only voting booth that had a chair. I tried to give her this look, like "Go away from here. Stay away! Far away! Kind of like how you see in those horror movies, where the killer is around, but the other person can't say out loud that it's around. But the little old booger wouldn't budge. I thought our elderly brainwaves would mesh and she would be able to decipher what I was thinking. But there was no luck. She was determined to sit in that chair and vote.

I finally finished up the voting, frustrated and pissed off as hell. What was suppose to be a liberating, fun voting experience turned out to be quite the opposite. All because of this stinkin', demented, voting machine! I thought about grabbing one of the scrumptious donut holes as an FU to the judges for making me use the machine. Fortunately my conscious got the best of me and told me otherwise.

Mysterious old lady in the wheelchair, hopefully you are reading this on your 1994 IBM computer with the AOL dial-up connection. And you accept my sincere apology for not making you aware of the malfunctions of the machine. God knows, you are probably still at the voting station, touching that screen with no luck. Hopefully our paths will cross again in 2012 and we will protest the end of the electronic voting machine.

I'm Out!

Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Segways, and Gary Busey

-May I just say, that there is no better feature on a computer than the "system restore" option. My God, I can't tell you how many times it has saved me. I love you system restore, I really do. FYI I did not get my last virus from pornographic sites.

-I don't understand why people are so lazy. When you are about to get on the L train, don't go on the first cart you see. That is going to be the most congested area of the train. Always walk down a few carts and then enter the train. Unless you are handicapped, in fear of missing the train, or, want to grind against a homeless guy that smells like vomit... Then yes, enter the train right away and have a hoot!

-To demonstrate my confusion on the amount of undecided voters out there, I will reference a quote from Humorist, David Sedaris on this issue. " To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

-Speaking of the election and society. (Segway) I have so much faith that the American public will make the most educated and intelligent decision on this upcoming election. Given that "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" has grossed over $70 million dollars and was #1 in the box office its 1st two weeks. God help us.

-Speaking of Segways, (Another great segway) I actually did the Segway Chicago Tour. Let me just say, despite freezing my toochis off, I had a great time. And more importantly, I proved to the world that special and slow people can ride a segway without harming themselves or other people. In other words, I'm the Jackie Robinson of segways.

-I watched the first episode of Celebrity Rehab 2. (Yes, I am unemployed at the moment) And one of the participants or "mentors" on the show is Gary Busey. He could honestly be the most entertaining individual in the business right now. If studio executives, are reading this, which I know they are, he must be casted on every single television program and film right this minute.

-Speaking of reality shows, (Don't worry I won't give a segway shout-out) What the hell is the deal with that douchey chef Rocco? That guy is on every single television program. Who the hell is he and why is he on the my television screen? The only way he should be allowed on TV, is if he wrestles Gary Busey in a steel cage match. Now we're talking!

-Is it just me or has "The Office" been lackluster so far this season? It seems like they are going more for the emotion than comedy. But I will say a new show that I have enjoyed is "Worst Week" on CBS. My only question for that show is, couldn't they of found a better actor?

-I was enjoying Pink's new song "So What" until every single radio station started playing this song 100 times a day. Thank you radio, for killing another song. This is reminiscent of what happened to Nickleback's "Photograph" song.

-I can't believe I picked up QB Kyle Orton for my fantasy team. Who the heck would of thunk it?
-The best Halloween costume you can buy this year is ...



P.S. The doggie shirt does not come with it.

I'm Out!

Run Sarah Palin Run... Far Away

-If you're looking to watch a nice light comedy on DVD. Rent "Run Fatboy Run." (And no its not my Bar Mitzvah Video. That was titled, "Read the Torah, Fatboy, Read the Torah."

-I don't know about you, but Joe Biden impressed the heck out of me Thursday Night. Sarah Joe Six-Pack, hockey mom, maverick, drill baby drill, Palin did not.

-How great is it that the Cubs got swept in 3 games? I mean this team pre-maturely celebrated everything. First, the great Eddie Vedder sings a song about them. Then they have a parade just for getting the playoffs. Man, can this team be any more obnoxious?

-I'm watching the latest season of the "Biggest Loser:Families" First of all they coud easily edit the show down to a half hour rather than two hours. And watching the host, Allison Sweeney, should be the next new sleeping pill prescribed by doctors. She's not bad looking, just put a muzzle on her.

-If you are looking for a tasty dish, order the Chorizo, Egg, and Rock Shrimp Breakfast Burrito at the "Bongo Room." You will thank me later.

-When did Jimmy Kimmel turn into such a great talk show host? He's going to be the next Letterman.

-How about those 3-2 Bears? Kyle Orton and that offense is a lot better than we expected. The division is there's to lose.

-I just finished reading the Rosie O'Donnel's latest book "Celebrity Detox." Don't ask why, but I read it. She mentioned in her book that she used to purposely break bones in her body when she was a kid. I wished she would've breaken more bones in her hands to prevent her from writing this book.

-We need to get rid of all these little restaurants/cafes with close seating. I can't stand it! The person next to me is always eavesdropping on my conversations. I mean don't get me wrong, I've eavesdropped on my fair share of conversations, but I always don't make eye contact. This woman the other day was staring into my eyes as she was eavesropping the whole time! I thought I was going to hear Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" playing in the background. People, next time you want to eavesdrop during my meal, at least offer me a bite of your entree. It's the least you can do for the free entertainment I offer.

I'm Out!

The Scream Heard Around the World

This past weekend, my significant other's family came into town. This probably is my third or fourth time meeting them, so I'm still not 100 percent at the comfortable stage yet. Nonetheless, her parents are very nice people. Throughout my history, I've always had trouble with the fathers of the girls I've dated. I have always felt this heavy awkward spirit whenever I'm in their presence. With the moms, I'm good. I'm golden. With the dads, I can't even make a coherent sentence. Although, I do have trouble making coherent sentences in my everyday life. Maybe I should look into that? I've wondered where does this awkward tension come from? Is it because I feel guilty that I have seen their daughter naked and have done filthy things to them? Filthy things with consent I may add. Sorry to make you nauseous, but this is something that I can't seem to figure out.

Anyways on a Saturday we all go out for dinner. My girlfriend (we'll call her GF), her bro, parents, aunt, uncle, grandma, sister, nephew, brother-in-law, etc... You get the point. The whole gang is there. We went to a place called Quartinos. (http://www.quartinochicago.com/) It's like this Italian tapas place where everybody shares each others entree. My fat kid self and I usually like any place that we waddle over to. But for some reason I received the worst service and I refuse to ever go back there. And I'm not some restaurant snob, I usually like anywhere I go. To make a long story short, they never gave my entree (pizza) that I ordered. We had a waiter and waitress for our table. After everybody got their meals, I mentioned to the waitress that I never got my entree. She told me she would go check and she never came back to give me an explanation. I saw our waiter, asked him what the deal is? and he told me it would be the next pizza out. 15 minutes later it never came. It wasn't the biggest deal since I had already ate enough that night and plus from my over-eating for the last 27 years I can probably starve myself for the next 10 years and be okay. But this was more about the principle people. I don't mean to brag, but I've worked in customer service before. And I would never, ever neglect a customer like that. I mean if they were smelly or psychotic maybe I would. And I am neither of those two. Okay, I'm trying to take care of the smelly part.

Overall, the bad service made for a bit of a stressful night. It kind of put a damper on the conversation flow and other dining aspects that we take for granted. Finally the waitress comes back out, after everybody is done eating, and apologizes for the mishap. She asks me if I would like to have the pizza now or get it to go. Because everyone was pretty much done I didn't know what to do. But I knew people at the table were waiting to try some of my pizza. So I was conflicted on what to do. My GF was sitting to my right, so I politely tapped on her shoulder to consult with her. I got no answer from her because she was engaged in a conversation with her aunt. I tapped her again on the shoulder and still nada. No answer. In hindsight, I should of been more decisive and answered the question on my own. But to me this quandary that I was in, was like Sophie's Choice and I had no answer. With the waitress still waiting for my answer and the urgency, I then slightly grabbed my GF's arm to get her attention. Out of nowhere she belts out a massive, loud, SCREAM that the whole city of Chicago felt. She turns to me and says "Owww, that really hurt!" I am now frozen and do not know how to respond. The whole family is staring at me, including her father like I have just physically abused her. I do not know if you've ever seen me before but in most cases 9/10 times a girl would beat me up in a fight. I might fare better in the W66-90 demographic. Plus, I have the most feminine, softest hands that feel like feathery pillow. And I cry when somebody pinches me. In conclusion, I am not that strong. But for some reason my GF decided to yelp and called for 911 when I grabbed her arm to get her attention. Later, she apologized for her outburst and said I just caught her by surprise. Unfortunately her apology did not change the scowl on her father's face, as he looked at me with extreme rage. Which I don't blame him for. I would do the same thing if some dufus dildo did that to my daughter. Let's just say the awkward conversations between him and I will unfortunately have to continue.

I'm Out!

Can you say "Menage a trois"?

-Apparently "America's Next Top Model" has a post-op transvestite as one of their contestants. I now have 801 reasons to not watch this show.

-Can you say karma as the reason for Tom Brady's injury? I think Bridget Moynahan strategically placed a banana peel on the field.

-The Bears defense impressed the heck out of me last week. And I hate to brag, but I kind of predicted a win to my close confidants. Who am I kidding? I really don't have any close confidants, but do demented homeless people count?

-David Duchovny is seeking to get help for his sexual addiction problem. It's horrible what the side effects of chasing aliens can do to you. I recently heard that Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen are competing to replace him in the next X-Files movie.

-Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy watching "The View." I get a kick out of that Joy Behar. But good God, can somebody please hit that Survivor Hasselback with a frying pan?

-I actually thought about this recently. And I was trying to figure out how much money it would take for me to go see "Disaster Movie." I came to the consensus that a grand would do it.

-I will use the "Disaster Movie" money to start the "Hit Survivor Hasselback with a Frying Pan" fund.

-I recently saw Chris Brown and Rihanna when I walked out of a movie theater the other day. Can you say "Menage a trois"? Actually I did say that and now have a restraining order against me and a black eye.

-Why is it that every picture of the Jonas Brothers, the youngest one, Nick, poses like Zoolander. I find it very annoying. In other news, I'm not gonna lie, the middle Jonas is not a bad looking kid. Can you say "Menage a trois plus one? "

I'm Out!

Hands Across America

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Douche meets "Entourage"

So this past week I was in LA for the Espys. For all you peeps who don't know what the Espys are, its basically a Espn Sports award show. It's like the Oscars or Grammys for Sports. I was able to get this trip through work. I won't get into the specifics, but basically my buddy/co-worker Johnny was offered this ESPN sponsored trip. And of course he was gracious enough to take me along for the ride. This is the same guy who has taken me to Milwaukee twice, Cleveland twice, Hartford/Boston, San Diego, and now LA. So I guess its fair to say I probably I owe my life to this dude.

Anyways, we arrive in LA Tuesday morning. A driver meets us at the airport, holding a sign with our names. How cool is that? I never thought I would be that guy with my name on a sign. I mean shit, who am I? Really just some schlub who works in the media industry. So we get to our hotel and decide to walk around LA for a little bit. Our driver suggested that we hit up "In and Out Burger." Given Johnny and myself's fat kid resume, we thought it was a fantastic idea. Before we left for grub, we had to check in with the ESPN people. So we talk to these ESPN representatives and they give us a run down of what's going for the next two days. And then they tell us to grab a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. Now this somewhat amusing, because Johnny was just mentioning how he forgot to bring his sunglasses and he was going to have to buy a pair. Then almost magically through the heavens, ESPN tells us to pick out a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, assuming worth $100. Since it was a bit of a walk to "In and Out" we took a cab down Sunset Blvd. Since we were so hungry and not sure where it was at. Our plan was to take a cab there and walk back. On the way in the cab we passed by all this cool stuff. One thing I saw was a film crew out on the street filming something. I was curious to see what they were filming, but given this was LA I figured it probably wasn't that big of a deal. And they were probably shooting some commercial or something. We get to the Burger joint and chow down on some Burger and Fries. The food was good, but not as great as everybody made it out to be.

After the feast, we decide to walk back down Sunset Blvd. We saw all these cool sites. Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, Viper Room, Directors Guild of America etc . . . Finally we came to the spot where they were filming. From across the street I could see a hot blonde. Again I did not think this was a big deal. Hot blondes are all over this friggin place. Then Johnny tells me he overheard they are shooting "Entourage." I was like, "Are you kidding me?" There wasn't even a huge crowd watching. And here in my first hour in LA, I bump into the filming of one of the biggest shows in the country. So I quickly waddle over and cross the street. I walk up as close as I can and nobody says a word to me. I guess security assumes that I'm part of the crew. Right away, I see Kevin Dillon. And I'm thinking this is amazing! Then, security asks me if I'm part of the crew. Stupidly, I say no. He tells me to wait behind this yellow taped line. I watch them film a scene and I see the rest of the cast. I'm thinking to myself, when else am I going to be a situation like this? I had to walk away with some type of evidence I was here. Either get a picture with one of the actors or shoot the shit with them. They end shooting one of their scenes and you can only walk by the set if you are trying to cross the street. So as I walk by there is some guy getting a pic with Kevin Dillon and Turtle is taking the picture. So right when I was ready to get to talk to him, the Director yells that they are going to start filming again and for everybody to leave. Strategically, I walk across the street. So that when they stop shooting again, I'll be able to walk past the set again. I know as you are reading this, you are probably thinking . . . "Man, this guy is acting a gay stalker little school girl, about these dudes." You know what, I don't give a shit, say what the hell you want. I was trying to make some history here. Anyways, they shoot the scene and take another break. This was probably my last chance to get a pic. Because if I keep on walking by the set back and forth, I'm sure security would get suspicious. So I walk past the set again and to my right I see Vincent and E sitting down smoking a cigarette. On the show, Vincent plays the movie star and E plays the best friend/manager. I really had no idea how they would react. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "These guys are going to totally tell me to screw off or we're too busy for a pic." I then walk up to them and say, "I'm really sorry to bother you guys, but is it cool if I just got a quick picture." E quickly gets up and is like, "Oh yeah sure, no problem." Seeing how E was cool with it, Vincent then gets up also. I could tell Vincent kind of did not want to, but felt he had to since E was willing. At this moment, I was like "Holy shit!" I had no idea it was going to be this easy. Just to think two days ago I was sitting in my underoos, scratching my ass, watching them on the Tele and here I am taking a pic with the two of them. So with E on the left, Vincent in the middle, and myself on the right we pose for a picture. Fortunately, Johnny was right there behind me to be able to take the picture. I think I said to Vincent before the picture, "Sorry, that I'm a little sweaty. It's so friggin hot." I could tell Vincent was thinking "Somebody get this friggin gross douche away from me." And thinking about it right now, I don't know why I had to tell him I was sweaty. Friggin awesome!

More from the Espys to come later.

I'm Out!

Bulls Talk, Brooke Hogan, and "Little Man" Hype

-Let me just say I am extremely surprised that my Bulls were able to sign Ben Wallace. First of all, I didn't not think Paxson was interested in Wallace because of his age and the money that it would cost. Secondly, I never thought he would leave the Pistons for the Bulls. But he did and its friggin awesome. Wallace brings some much needed toughness and experience that the Bulls desperately needed. Now it looks like Tyson Chandler will be traded with that God awful contract. My sources tell me he will go to the Hornets for P.J. Brown. I think P.J. Brown will be a great addition because he is the ultimate professional and will be able to mentor Tyrus Thomas. Also, P.J. Brown's contract ends after next year, so that will give the Bulls cap space room to sing their core players who will be up from new contracts soon. As for the draft, I was not as happy as most people. I understand Tyrus Thomas has the potential to be a good player. But he's 6'8 and only weighs 220 pounds. We needed a center who could score down low. And Aldridge gave us that, but for whatever reason Paxson did not like him. But given Paxson's track record I will shut the hell up and trust him. Can't wait till next season!

Other random awkward thoughts . . .

-I've came to the realization that I cannot snap my fingers. If anybody would like to come and show me I would greatly appreciate it.

-At all costs try to stay away from the L and Wrigleyville during Cubs games. Believe me, it is in the best interest for you to stay away from those large crowds of bafoons.

-Read my Lips . . . Brooke Hogan will be the next biggest Pop Star in the world.

-If you are looking for a new funny show. Watch Comedy Central's new show "Dog Bites Man." It's from the same proudcer of the Ali G Show.

-If you think I am serious with the second to last comment I just made. Then please never read my blog again and make sure to get on the next L to Wrigleville on a Cubs game day.

-Rumor has it I will be making a trip out to LA for the ESPYS. I know most of you are thinking I will be accepting an award for my 31-point performance I had in a park district basketball game earlier this year. But that is not the reason. (For reference: Please read the Air Douche blog entry. )

-My favorite song right now. Snow Patrols; "Hands Wide Open."

-The person that I would like to punch in the face right now . . . Is young singer, John Mayer wannabe, bitch Teddy Geiger. Man that kid irritates me!

-I am looking forward to seeing "Superman Returns" for only one reason. To see Kevin Spacey play Lex Luthor.

-I already bought my tickets to see the Wayans Brothers new movie "Little Man." I don't know what all of you think, but that looks like a laugh riot! (Who is the mother-fu*ker that allows those non-talent clowns to make movies?)

-Does this ever happen to you? You are getting ready to go out somewhere (ex: bars, dinner, work etc.) In your head you are content with how you look, so you leave to go out. Then maybe an hour or two later you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and "Good God, this is not how I thought I looked." Well this happens to me frequently and its a bit frustrating.

-Christine Auguilera is looking better and better these days.

-I'm Out!

The Break-Up, Zach Braff Look-A-Like, and Screech

-I saw the movie "The Break-Up" last weekend. I felt the movie was mediocre. It wasn't great and it wasn't bad. Vince Vaughn had his moments, but overall I found most of the movie to be very slow. It was neat to see how the film was shot in Chicago. Speaking of scenery, Jennifer Anniston looked so friggin hot it was ridiculous. I thought she might of lost too much weight, but I was wrong . . . She still has it going on! Scenes involving Vaughn and John Faverau were hilarious, since they have phenomenal on-screen chemistry. But boy did Faverau put on some weight. I think he might of eaten Rudy. Rating: 2 1/2 Awkward moments out of 4. P.S. I thought the movie ended the right way.

-I am all for Dallas beating the crap out of those Miami A-Holes in the NBA finals. First of all Dirk Nowitzki has turned into one of my favorite players. He's always been able to score, but now he's added some toughness to his repitriore. And who would of thought Avery Johnson would be such a good head basketball coach?

-My take on the Ben Rothensberger motorcycle accident. My question to Ben is how many athletes do you need to see get hurt on a motorcycle before you realize this is not a good idea? I mean we have Kellen Winslow Jr., Jason Williams, Jeff Kent, and Aaron Rowand etc . . . Have all had serious injuries from riding a motorcycle. Dumb move pal!

-Don't ask me why, but I tried to watch the spoof parody movie "Date Movie." Oh my gosh was it just brutally bad. I had to turn it off after 20 minutes. It was truly unbearable to watch. I think I rather watch my traumatizing, embarrassing Bar Mitzvah Video 100 times in a row than sit through that piece of crap.

-It was announced that Zach Braff and Mandy Moore have called it quits. Now I don't know if this is true or not, but I've been told by a few people that I look like Zach Braff. So does this mean then that I can get Mandy Moore caliber ass?

-I realize the answer to the previous question is no. I thought I would just give it a shot.

-Speaking of ass . . . (Amazing Seg-Way) I waddled over to Walgreens the other day. And I noticed that they now have condoms locked up in a case. I guess these thieves who have been steeling Claritin and Mach 3 razor blades, are finally getting laid. Congrats!

-As I was driving to work the other day, I heard Paris Hilton new hit single "Stars Are Blind" on my satellite radio. I think I could make better music, dropping a deuce and listening to Clay Aiken music simultaneously.

-On the Howard Stern Show recently, Screech from Saved By the Bell was on as a guest. Screech revealed that his special member is 10 inches long. I gotta guess Lisa Turtle is kicking herself in the ass after hearing that one.

-I'm Out

Oh No You Didn't!

I had the opportunity to go to San Diego recently. One of the TV Sales Reps invited Johnny and myself out there for the weekend. I have never been to San Diego before and I found it to be a beautiful city. The weather was not the best while we there, but I got a little taste of it. According to the TV rep the weather consistently stays around 75 Degrees year round. Which I thought was pretty damn impressive.
Okay so enough about the weather, lets cut to the chase. Pretty much what we did for two straight days was eat (a lot), drink (a lot), and gawk at women. Apparently in San Diego, the women are tough to talk to. They tend to go for more a surfer, muscular, tattoo look. Which may surprise you, but that does not fit my description. The girls were so tough to approach, they wouldn't even give you eye contact hardly. I mean I'm not saying I do a killing in the windy city, but I'll at least get a look here and there. Even my buddy, Johnny the rockstar chick magnet, couldn't get the girls attention. The first night we hung out by the beach and went to bars around there. And each bar had these huge lines out the door which all these college kids. So it was not really our scene. The beach area was better suited for us during the day. The TV rep then suggested that we go to his favorite dive bar in the downtown area. Johnny and I thought that would be a good idea.
So we're at this dive bar sitting at a table near the girl's bathroom. (Prime Spot!) At this point, I've drank beer the whole day and had a decent amount of Kettle-One Tonics. I guess you can say I'm feeling fairly loose. So we start to have this friendly conversation with this Jamaican chick and then her friend approaches our table. The friend is midly attractive, seems likes a dumb ass. But whatever, who am I to judge somebody's intelligence? I mean hell, the book I'm currently reading is an autobiography on Tom Green. Anyways, we begin to have a group conversation at the table. And yes this girl is boring and dumb, but at this point we don't care. We are just happy to get some friggin female attention. From the conversation, I find out this girl is from Connecticut. So I found that to be interesting, given that I been there before. I then ask what town she is from? I forget what town she says, but it was a town I had heard of before. So right now, I felt like I was getting somewhere. My next question I figured was a normal, typical question you would ask somebody who you have just met. I asked, "So what do you for a living here in San Diego?" She then looks at me for a second and then turns away. I figured, since it was a loud bar maybe she did not hear me. I then asked the same question again. This time she doesn't even look at me and doesn't attempt to act like she heard a word I said. People, I cannot explain what happened from hear on out. But let me just say, I've have some built up frustration with the females recently. And it does not help that we weren't getting any attention from girls in the first place. And it also does not help that I was drinking Kettle-One Tonics. At this point, I decided to stick up for myself and every single male out there who have been treated unfairly by the woman. I can't promise that this was an actual transcript of what was said, but I will do my best to remember. "Excuse me, I just asked you a question. (The girl then looks at me.) I mean I don't understand. I ask you a simple question and you don't have the decency to even answer me. That's perfectly fine, if you don't feel comfortable answering. But if that's the case, then simply just say I rather not answer that question. I mean I just find it extremely rude that you couldn't answer me. To be honest, I could give two shits what you do for a living. But I'm just trying to be a nice guy here and ask a friendly question." So as I am berating this girl, Johnny is on the ground laughing. Pretty much because he has never seen me act like this before and I am just going off on this poor girl. Like I said, I don't know no what got into me. My best guess, was that there was too much built up frustration. And at the same time, I decided to stick up for every male out there, who has been rejected by a girl. It's about time as males, that we take a stand. And not let these females have so much power over us. Follow my lead and I shall take all of you to a world where men will not take any shit from these rude, disrespectful women. Amen.

I'm Out!

The Tricky Toilet Paper

So a few weekends ago, some buddies and I went over to Trader Todds. Trader Todds is a small karaoke bar, where you see obliterated people singing the worst karaoke you have ever seen. Here's a little backstory . . . The two previous days, I had a bad stomach. Where I'll be feeling fine and out of nowhere, I'll get this sharp pain and have to drop an immediate deuce. So of course at this bar it has to hit me. I go over to the bathroom and its one of those single toilet bathrooms. Where only one person can go at a time. So I wait for the person that was in the bathroom to come out. I walk in the bathroom and its the grossest friggin thing I have ever seen. There is one toilet covered in urine with other mysterious substances on the ground. I tell myself, "I can't friggin go here." "But if I don't try to go, I am going to be in deep trouble the rest of the night." And while I am debating what to do, I realize there is probably about five people in line waiting to take a piss. So I chicken out and leave the bathroom. My plan was to just tough it out and hopefully it would go away. About ten minutes later, I'm sitting at a table and the pains become unbearable again. I then waddle my way back to the bathroom. I walk in and stare at the repulsive, disgusting, and atrocious bathroom. So I do the unthinkable . . . I pull down my pants and I squat over the urine infested toilet. I don't know if any of you readers have ever had to squat before, but boy is not easy. For a second there, I was having flashbacks of my 6th grade gym class, when a fat chubby version of myself was trying to do a wall sit. I squat as long I can tolerate and try my best to relieve myself. Now it's time for everybody's favorite part, the clean up. I look around for some toilet paper. The only paper I see, is a roll that is soaked on the back of toilet. What is it soaked with? That's is a very good question. But given that the toilet was drenched in urine and it was also all over the ground . . . I came to the tough conclusion that the toilet paper was indeed soaked with urine. So what do you do? Do you not clean yourself up? Or do you use the urine soaked toilet paper and risk a disease. I chose door #2. I took the soaked toilet paper and try to rip away into the middle of the roll where it was dryer. The toilet paper was still a little wet, but it was the best that I could do. I finish cleaning up in this brutally gross environment and walk over to the paper towel dispenser. I grab some paper towels to dry off my hands and I notice a mysterious brown basket strangely placed on top of the paper towel dispenser. Inside this nice, little, cute brown basket are two fresh, un-touched, clean toilet paper rolls. I asked myself, "AlrightI give up, who the hell is messing with me?" I mean is Ashton Kutcher going to jump out of the ceiling with that obnoxious laugh and tell me I've been Punked?" In a perfect world, I would rather get Hepatitis C by banging Pamela Anderson instead of by urine soaked toilet paper. But as we have seen, this is indeed not a perfect world.

I'm Out!

New Coach, Celebrity Roommies, and Gay Groping

-What are my feelings on the hiring of Kelvin Sampson for Indiana? First of all, any coach is an upgrade over Mike Davis. I don't think he is the best coach we could have gotten. I would of liked to of seen a Mark Few, Tom Crean, or a even a Rick Majerus (if he is still alive). Kelvin did a good job in Oklahoma, they were very consistent every year and he recruited well. In the NCAA Tournament, he failed to do anything special. The farthest he has gotten was the final four in 2002, where he ironically lost to Mike Davis and the Indiana Hoosiers. In conclusion, I'll just sit back, give the guy a chance, and see how he does.

-What a horrible finale to the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet Challenge (No I'm not Gay). And if I see that Kina piece of shit walking down the street, I'm punching her in the face. Damn, is she annoying!

-They might as well end the contest of American Idol because that bald-headed Chris dude has it all wrapped up. (I'm aware he's no Clay Aiken)

-Apparently Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn are planning a move to Chicago. I could not think of two better roommates to have. All I know is that I got top bunk.

-Wilmer Valderamma(the foreign dude from "That 70's Show") had some interesting things to say on the Howard Stern Show this past week. Apparently this guy has banged Lindsey Lohan, Mandy Moore (took her virginity), and Jennifer Love Hewitt. There are also rumors he was involved with Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba, and Jamie Pressley. Lucky no talent piece of shit!

-Sports Illustrated picked the White Sox to win the World Series in 2006. I'm pleased that SI thinks so highly of my, but this magazine has a tendency to put a curse on teams that they pick to win. Unfortunately, I don't think the White Sox will be able to repeat. For one thing, their bullpen looks like crap this year. But more importantly, I believe that once you when the World Series its hard to have the necessary motivation to repeat.

-I watched the movie "Waiting" with Ryan Reynolds. They should of re-named the movie "Van Wilder Works at a Restaurant." Can the guy play another friggin character for once?

-How dare Issac Mizrahi grope Scarlett Johanson (Recently added to my Top 5) at the Golden Globes. Hey Issac, stick to the pole smoking and lay your hands off my woman.

-Reeses Puff Cereal tastes better dry than with milk.

-Is there anybody that Nick Lachey is not banging? I mean I even hooked up with him last night.

I'm Out!

Air Douche

Please let me start off by saying, by no means am I a talented basketball player. If I play consistently, I can shoot fairly well. But that's about it. So the purpose of this entry is not for me to brag, but more for me to inform the public of my unexpected performance. Here's a little background . . . I haven't played organized basketball in 3 years. So far I've played in three games since I've joined this league. My last game which was two weeks ago, I was just brutally awful, hitting only 2 out of who knows how many shots. And I had to miss last week's game for a work function. So coming into my next game I had very little confidence. To make matters worse, I arrive late to the game. Literally, right when I walked in they were tipping off to start. So I had no time at all to warm up with my shooting. And usually I like to warm up and shoot for a half-hour before a game. The game starts and I see that we only got 4 guys on our team. (The League is 4-on-4) So I'm thinking great, now we can't even sub out if somebody (most likely me) gets tired. We get the ball and somebody passes me the ball, I have an open three-pointer. In my head I'm thinking there is no friggin way I'm making this shot. But I shoot the ball without hesitation and I drain the three. I'm thinkin here, what the hell? I don't practice or warm up at all and I drain a three? I don't get it. We get the ball and again I have an open three pointer. Nothing but net again! At this point I'm puzzled as hell, but I don't care. I ended up being on fire the whole night and ended up with a 31-point game. A career best by far. People, I cannot explain what happened to me that night. I almost want to say there was somebody watching over me and putting the ball in the basket for me. How could I be so awful two weeks ago and then not warm up and have this type of game? Honestly, this will have to be a game that I will tell my kids about. Yes son, I realize that I look like I can't walk straight, but gosh darn it I had a 31-point game in my basketball career. If you are curious we ended getting creamed and losing the game. My team is pretty darn awful, which may explain my scoring performance. But people, it still puzzles me at this moment today, how I was able to perform at that level. I can honestly say, there will never be a game like that for me again. So whenever I am down or feel like a friggin chump, I will think back to the game where a 6'3, so-called unathletic, Jewish male douche, had the game of his life.

I'm Out!

Bad Basketball, Indy Wrap-Up, and Fogo De Chao

-I am watching the All-Star game and I am completely bored out of my mind. What the hell happened to this game? I remember as a kid, looking forward to the All-Star game and enjoying every minute of it. Jordan, Magic, Barkley, Bird etc . . . all had their own individual personalities that they brought to the game. The stars now, like Lebron, Koby, Wade, McGrady, all have personalities that are so boring and bland. Don't get me wrong they're talented as hell, but it's impossible for me to watch these guys for five minutes and not wonder what am I going to eat for dinner. (And enough with the friggin Alley-oops every other second. I mean, I get it! All of you are friggin athletic and can all jump.)

-Speaking of bad basketball, (amazing seg-way) my basketball play has come back to reality. I probably shot 2 for 30 in my last game. Man, was I just horrendous. You know its bad, when you finally hit a shot late in the game and the ref says to, "It's about time."

-Finally my dream has come true and Indiana Basketball coach Mike Davis has decided to resign. Now, I hated this guy since Day One. I always knew he couldn't coach worth shit. I know he took the team to the championship game in 2002, but those were all Knight's players. Who were so well trained, a friggin manatee (a fat dumb sea mammal) could of coached those players and won. This Mike Davis character has turned one of the best basketball programs in the country and turned it into a complete disgrace. People say Davis was a good recruiter, well I don't give a shit if he is. Recruiting is not coaching basketball. And plus, who the hell has he brought in that is even worth mentioning? And how many guys has he missed out on getting? All I can say is good riddance this man is gone and bring on a real coach. (Majeaurs ($$$$$), Alford, Randy Wittman, or Tom Crean?

-The on-going saga of my car continues. First, I crash into and destroy my parking garage's automatic garage door, then I write a rude note on the car that parks next to me, and now some bastard decides to steal my back license plate. What the hell? So if the person that stole my back license plate is reading this blog now. Have a swell of a time committing murders, rapes, thefts, kidnapping under my license plate. Don't worry enjoy, it's all on me.

-So myself and some of my buddies decide to meet up in Indy last weekend. Here are some things I've learned . . .

-I can beat Drew's ass
-Jed is a hell of a friggin drinker and funnier than me.
-Bailey likes me better than his owner. (Settle down, he's a dog.)
-Sir Nicholas, still has the ability to display amazing banter. (This time with a stripper.)
-Jed and B.J. enjoy ralphing right next to each other in parking lots of nice restaurants.
-I have no problem telling a stripper that the dollar dance she gave me was shit! I mean come on, I should be a fresh breath of air compared to some of the dudes that roll in there. So show me some love!
-Sir Nicholas's chick, might not be too fond of his friends. (Ex: Bad cruise interactions and drunken voice messages.)

-If you ever are looking to eat mass quantities of beef in Chicago then go to a restaurant called Fogo de Chao. Oh my gosh, it was like fat kid heaven. Waiters come around and offer you 15 different cuts of beef non-stop. And to go along with that, they have a salad bar. It really was a dream come true.

- I watched the show "Fat Camp" on MTV the other day. All I can say is wow! Now that is what I consider entertaining television.

-Lisa Lampanelli is the funniest comedian chick in the biz right now. If you have not heard her shit, I suggest you do.

I'm Out!

Jammed Thumbs, Awkward Parking, and Isiah Thomas

-So I have to decided to take up basketball again and join a league. I've haven't played since senior year, so it's been close to three years since then. The first play of the game, this dude whips a pass to me down-low and I friggin jam my thumb. So I was pretty much worthless the first game. This past week, we had another game and I was coming off screens and hitting jumpers like no tomorrow. So, I'm happy to say "the shot" is back! On a negative note, my conditioning definitely needs to improve.

-Speaking of basketball, I saw the movie "Glory Road" recenlty. My expectations were not that high and I thought the movie was very entertaining. I didn't particularly think Josh Lucas acted that well, but the story of the movie made up for it. Of course it had some flaws, but I did not find myself bored once during the film. Anybody that has any interest the game of basketball, should see this movie.

-I am glad to see Tyson Chandler learned how to play basketball again. Now I can somewhat understand why he was given $60 million.

-In my parking garage every person is designated their own spot and pays quite an amount of money to park there. My spot number is #360. Well, I get back to my spot Wed. night at 9:30 and this Acura, was in my spot. The other night I saw this same Acura is spot #361 (to the right of me). But for the last few weeks, Spot #361 has been open. So I figure some jackass is parking there late at night and not paying for the spot. I get friggin pissed and put a sign on the driver's window that says "Get the hell out of my spot! Or I'll tow your Ass." I'm thinking with this sign, I've solved the problem of this parking spot theif. The next day I see this Acura park in spot #361, right next to me. I then find out, that this person just recently got this spot and accidently parked in my spot. Can somebody say awkward?

-I seem to be having some bad luck with the parking garage.

-Hot milf Heather Locklear and I get all of Jon Bon Jovi's leftovers Richie Sambora got divorced last week. Women, please take a look at Heather and try to look like her as you get older. I gurantee that you will not have any marriage problems. (Except if your husband is in the band Bon Jovi)

-Antonio Davis's wife Kendra was charged with battery assault against a Naperville woman. That bitch is crazy! (I would still do her though)

-Isiah Thomas was charged with sexual harrassment by a marketing execuitve for the New York Knicks. And the next day he goes out and trades for Jalen Rose. This man, is the best GM ever!

-I know it's kind of late for my Super Bowl prediction, given that the game starts in a little over a hour. But I'll give my thoughts anyways. The Seahawks had by far a better regular season. Alexander had an MVP season and Hasselback threw the ball accurately. The defense did its job and they had a 14-2 record. Going into the playoffs, I did not think the Steelers had a chance in hell to go to the Super Bowl. But Rothensberger has been throwing the ball like a champ so far in the playoffs. And the defense has looked mighty impressive with that long hair dude Pomaleau (Spelling?) Just like everybody else I pick the Steelers. And not because Bettis is from Detroit, that means absolutely shit. Because of Rothesnbeger ability to throw the ball downfield and the play of the defense. I think Seattle will hang in there for awhile. Score: Steelers 27 Seahawks 20

-I friggin hate that new "Train" song. Wanna hear a good song, listen to OAR's "Love and Memories."

-Anybody that contributed to "Big Mommas House 2" to being #1 in the box office this past weekend, should be smacked in the head.

I'm out!

Bears venting, Scarlett Johansson, and good Honey Mustard

Let me first talk about the horrid Bear game I had to watch last weekend. What the hell where they thinking? The first play of the game you get burned by the best receiver in the league. So you do two things after that happens. 1. You double or triple team Steve Smith's ass. 2. And go tell Tillman to set his pathetic peanut ass on the bench. What did Lovie and the Bears decide to do? 1. Keep defending Smith in single coverage 2. Have a practice squad defensive back named Chris Thompson go up against Smith. I mean come on! And then on offense we have Grossman chucking up 200 passes like he's friggin Dan Marino. Did we forget how we won 11 games this season? It wasn't by throwing the ball, it was by running the ball. Thomas Jones averaged 4 yards a carry in the game, but for some ridiculous reason we decide to run the ball only 20 times. The fact of the matter is the Bears were an overrated team. The Panthers deserve to move on in the playoffs, so nobody should think that the Bears missed their opportunity.

Other Random/Awkward Thoughts:

-At first, I understood why Antonio Davis went into the stand at the Bulls game. But after finding out how much a wacko his wife is and her track record of getting kicked out of her children's basketball games, it's evident there's something wrong with the woman. (I would still do her though.)

-I started watching the movie "Into the Blue," with Paul Walker and Jessica Alba (Wow!). It's actually not that bad of movie, pretty entertaining.

-Why is it that when I go to Walgreens there is a locked case for Claritin and Mach 3 Turbo Razors? So now it takes me an extra ten minutes to wait for a Walgreens representative to get them to open it up. If you reading this and are one of the indviduals going around stealing allegry pills and razor blades, try and set your goals a little higher.

-Nachos are the best thing to eat at a basketball game.

-I was shocked to hear my idol Howard Stern got a nose job and lipo on his chin. Very disappointed.

-So far the new Howard Stern Sirius Show has not lived up to my expectations. But there is still no comparison between Sirius and FM/AM Radio.

-I don't gell all the buzz about "My Name is Earl."

-Scarlett Johannson has joined my "Top Five." Congratulations Scarrlett, you have joined an elite class.

-A snow storm hit Chicago last Friday night. So you think people would stay in given the circumstances. So at midnight the bar I was at, kicks everybody out because it was over crowded. I don't get it? Why can't people stay home?

-It is impossible to find good Honey Mustard at the grocery store.

-The Bulls are a bad team.

-If I hear that friggin Pusscycat song again, I will get dangerous and hurt somebody.

-That Fall Out Boy song "Dance, Dance" is one hell of a song.

- I thought the Broncos were going to the Super Bowl and I was wrong.

I'm Out!

Queer Eye For The Awkward Guy

The other day I decide to meet my buddy Steve out for some beers. Steve was already with his cousin and a friend of his. So I get to the bar and it seems like a nice enough place. I introduce myself to Steve's friend and his cousin. They both seemed like nice people and I gotta say the friend was pretty good looking. But she is irrelevant to the story. Anyways, I'm sitting at the bar drinking a beer. I look up at the bartenders and they appear to be homosexuals. Not a big deal at all, that's cool. And then I see a very flamboyant male, sit two stools down from me at the bar. Again not a big deal, I'm lover not a hater. So I'm just drinking my beer, watching the football game. Just kind of in my own world. And to the right of me I feel a sharp grab to my waist and a back rub. And it's from the flamboyant gay dude. Right away, I freeze as if I am in gunpoint. He then whispers in my ear, "Can I get a cigarette?" Quickly, in it about a nano-second I grab Steve's cigarettes and toss them to the flamboyant dude. At this moment, I am way too uncomfortable to even care if it's cool with Steve to give away his smokes. Honestly, if the flamboyant dude asked me for a million dollars I probably would of gave that to him also. I just wanted to be left alone. Apparently, after giving him cigarrettes he took that as a nice gesture from me. So he introduces himself and tells me his name is Parker. And boy is this guy a pickle lover. I mean he makes Richard Simmons look like Vin Diesel. Trying my best to not act like I'm interested and make a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Parker finally turns Steve's friend Allison and is like "Boy you are beautiful." Right now I'm thinking thank God, he's not talking to me anymore. And then Parker says, "What are you doing with here these gorgeous guys?" Now I'm thinking "Shit, I'm still not out of the woods yet." He continues to talk to our group and I am doing my best to just concentrate and watch the football game. At the same time, I can not get the grab of my waist out of my head. It's almost like I felt abused and dirty. And then I hear Parker say to Steve's friend Allison, "So what brings you to a gay bar?" I'm thinking, "What the fuck?" My buddy Steve brings me to a gay bar without telling me. I mean I guess I should of put it all together given that Steve's cousin is gay, the gay bartenders, and Parker the fudgepacker grabbing my waist. Fortunately, we had to leave to go see this comedy show. So I had to break Parker's heart and jet the hell out of there. So Steve and I leave the bar and I'm a little ticked he took me this place without telling me. Before I could say anything, Steve says to me "Why the hell did you give away my cigarettes?" I then quickly answer back, "Because I was physically abused by a dude!"

I think I got my point across.

I'm Out!

An Awkward Start to the New Year.

Hello: Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, and Happy New Year.

-I went to the same bar that I went to last year for New Years and I am very pleased to say that I did not get locked out of the bar because of trying to urinate outside and no calzones were stolen. (Awkward Reference: Read "Missing calzones, cleavage, locked out, and no taxis" blog. )

- I saw "Munich" the other day. I thought it was well done and a very interesting movie to see. I also had the pleasure of having free commentary by an 80-year-old couple through-out the whole movie. (Awkward Idea: How about instead of decreasing the ticket price for senior citizens we increase it.)

-Alright, the first time I saw the Trans-Siberian Orchestra commercial (the one with the Christmas lights on the house and the John Tesh sounding song. http://www.trans-siberian.com/intro.html) I thought it was cool. But by the 536th time the commerical tends to get a little annoying. (Awkward Question: Is the person who's in charge of putting this commercial on air non-stop, the same individual who is playing the Nickleback "Photograph" song on every single radio station?)

-I am proud to announce that I have successfully gotten my car back after the automatic garage door fiasco. (Awkward Hanukah Addition: I have now have Sirius Radio hooked up, so I am heavily anticipating January 9th!)

-I don't know why, but everytime "Meet the Barkers" (The Blink-182 Drummer Reality Show) is on MTV, I always watch it. It probably has to go down as one of the most pointless and boring shows in the history of television. (Awkward Pevert Idea: Have the the wife (Mrs. Barker) nude on camera at all times.)

-I am happy to see Comcast Sports replay all the White Sox play-off games. (Awkward Sox Fan Says: Cub fans still suck.)

-Speaking of my White Sox, what a job GM Kenny Williams has done this off-season. Instead of staying pat with the team that has just won the World Series he trades fo Jim Thome, Javier Vaquez, Rob Machoviak and re-signs Paul Kornerko and Jon Garland. (Awkward Apology: Mr. Kenny Williams, I apologize for all the mean and hurtful things I have said about you in the past. You are a extremely intellingent and talented baseball GM and thank you for what you have done for the White Sox organization.)

-Has our society gone crazy with the whole TV thing? There is no where I can go without seeing a friggin TV screen. I mean first I see one riding in a taxi cab, then I see one in the elevator, and then I saw one while I waiting in line at the grocery store. I mean, I'm all about watching TV, but don't you think this is a little excessive? (Awkward Suicide: Waiting in a crowded elevator, with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra commercial playing on the TV screen, and the Nickleback "Photograph" song playing.)

-It sure is nice to see Rex Grossman playing QB for the Bears. (Awkward Prediction: The Bears will not make the Super Bowl. Unfortunately.)

-I've come to the conclusion that Mexican is my favorite type of food. Awkward Fat Kid Favorite:Tostadas.)

-Even though the British version is way better, I've become a Fan of the TV show "The Office." (Awkward Peverted TV Dilemna: If "The Office was on the same time as "Meet the Barkers" with Mrs. Barker naked.)

I'm out!

Cerebral Palsy, Enterprise Rentals, and Stuffing

-Jessica and Nick finally got divorced. Now I can finally make my move. (On Nick)

-The White Sox overspent for Paul Kornerko. 5 years/60 million? That's insane!

-Why do random people always choose to talk to me on the Train. Is there a sign on my back that reads "Please talk me, I like people"?

-I saw a commercial for the movie "The Kid and I," starring and written by Tom Arnold. The film is about a teenager with Cerebral Palsy, who gets the opportunity to star in an action movie. I'm confused, is Tom Arnold playing the kid?

-So, I have to rent a car from Enterprise because I wrecked my car after breaking my building's automatic garage door. (Previous Blog) So they give me a Big-ass Ford Expedition.(Thanks B.J.) And now that car does not fit into the parking garage. (I friggin give up!)

-I'm not too happy I missed Oprah on Letterman the other night.

-I hope nobody saw me on TV for the Chicago Thanksgiving Parade. I looked like a friggin fat idiot.

-I watched the Real World Reunion and I thought it was better than any of the season's episodes. How the hell did that pastey retard Wes get Johanna?

-Very disappointed in the movie "Ice Harvest."

-I watched my IU Hoosiers lose to #1 Duke the other night. And there is no question that they are talented, especially Killingsworth. So I have come to the conclusion, that I will fight anybody that says Mike Davis is a good coach.

-Stuffing is a such an underrated food. Why can we only eat it during Thanksgiving?

-If any radio D.J. is reading this blog, you got to stop playing Nickleback's "Photograph" I mean its enough already.

-Could somebody explain why the Bulls decided to give Tyson Chandler a max contract, when he has the Basketball IQ and offensive talent of Mike Tyson.

-Did you get the last comment? They both have the name Tyson. (Wow, am I good!)

-The day after Thanksgiving, I went to Circuit City at 7:30 a.m. because of a DVD sale. I think my Dork-o-meter just went up to a 9. (It only goes up to 10.)

I'm out!

The Automatic Garage Door

Narrated by: Morgan Freeman

It was a beautiful chilly Friday Morning in November. Just like any normal week day, a young man named Jonno leaves for work. Jonno walks to his car, which is on the third level of a parking garage. He gets into his car and quickly turns on Howard Stern. Jonno waits for a few minutes to warm up his car. He realizes that just like any other day, he is running late. Jonno backs out of his parking spot and goes down a ramp to exit the parking garage. At the end of a downhill ramp is an automatic garage door. This auomatic garage has a sensor, and once the car is close to the door, the garage door goes up. As Jonno gets close to the garage door, it would not go up. Jonno then thinks to himself "Well, this is strange." But he refuses to panic. After over a year of using this automatic garage door, this same situation has ocurred once before. So what Jonno did that time, was reverse and then try again and the automatic garage door worked. Given that success, he thought he would try that again. Jonno reversed his car and then went forward again. The garage door did not go up. And this time Jonno was only a few feet away from the garage door on a downhill slope. Jonno was not sure what to do. He quickly thought about honking his horn, hoping that somebody that worked in the garage would come to his aid. But he decided not to. Jonno knew he had to reverse, but was a bit worried because of the closenes to the door and the downhill position of the ramp. So he knew he had to reverse as quickly as possible, to ensure that the car went backwards. With Jonno's foot on the brake, he put his car in reverse. He then quickly put his foot on the accelerator and for some unfortunate reason the car went forward and straight into the garage. Jonno in complete shock, realized he had just completely destroyed the automatic garage door and wrecked his car. It was almost like a scene out of a Vin Diesel action movie. In many people's eyes Jonno may be looked at, as an idiot, douche bag, or a retard. But to many people on the third floor parking garage, Jonno is recognized as a hero. Now, nobody will ever have to deal with the automatic garage door not working, thanks to Jonno's courageous act of bravery.

I'm out!

Entourage, Ozzie's Hair, and Fattening Chipotle

-I was able to see "Jarhead" this weekend and I was not impressed. The previews tricked you into thinking it was going to be some intense, non-stop action war movie, when it was actually the opposite.

-I don't know what it is, but I seem to have bad luck in movie theaters. I always sit around people that talk. And I don't have the friggin guts to tell them to shut the hell up. Damn, people suck!

-I started watching the first season of "Entourage" on DVD. I gotta say, I like the show. But at the same time it kind of gets me jealous. Why couldn't one of my friends from High School, been some cool, good lucking, famous actor? Then I would get to live off his money, never work, and get leftover women. (Lesson for youngsters: Only be friends with cool, good looking people. Nice friends will you get you nowhere.)

-Ozzie Guillen sure has a great head of hair. Very underrated.

-Just found out that I will be in the Thanksgiving parade on a float, promoting the company I work for. (And no I am not going to be one of the blimps.)

-Is it just me or does anybody else have trouble finding the type of pickles they desire in the grocery store? I could of sworn that I was there for a good half-hour.

-That Melinda girl from the "The Real World," sure has a nice rack.

-Christian Slater fell off a roof, while intoxicated at a Paris Hilton party. This is the best career move he has had made, since the movie "Hard Rain."

-I heard there was some gay dude making anti-semitic remarks on the "Apprentice" this past week. Somebody please put a muzzle on that damn fairy.

-How sad is it that I still can't watch scarey movies?

-Drew, I hope you're giving this blog a thumbs up.

-The Bulls look less talented this season, but they're still playing their asses off.

-When will Isiah Thomas be relieved of his general manager responsibilites?

-Nicole Richie looks gross as hell.

-I made a Turkey Burger on my Foreman at 2 o'clock in the morning. How fat and pathetic is that?

-I recently found out how bad Chipotle Burritos are for you. Even my Burrito Bowls have like over 30 grams of fat. (Not counting sour cream or guacamole.) http://www.chipotlefan.com/index.php?id=nutrition_calculator

-I sure could go for some Chipotle right now.

I'm Out!

Randomness Diarrhea

I could easily make this whole blog all about my White Sox making the Wold Series, but I won't. I will say though, this was an amazing team. Nobdoy expected this team to do anything this year. Ozzie Guillen, the pitching staff, and timely hitting are the reasons why they won. I understand the Cubs will always be the #1 team in Chicago and honestly I could care less. All I know, is that my Chicago White Sox are the 2005 World Champions. Word!

-"Jarhead" looks like a hell of a movie.

-Is "Arrested Development" still on the air?

-What a waste of a pick for my fantasy team by taking Daunte Culpepper 3rd overall.

-Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty.

-Jerry Reinsdorf has to be one of the most under appreciated owners in sports. I can't not tell you how many people in the White Sox organization said they wanted to win the championship for him.

-Nickleback's song "Photograph" is a decent song, but it's getting way too overplayed.

-Jessica and Nick went to Italy to save their marriage. (If you believe in this shit, then get the hell off my blog!)

-Baked Cheetos, are an amazing snack.

-Phil, congratulations on your wedding. Sorry I cannot make it.

-Riding the elevator in my building with other tenants, can be annoying and awkward. (There is a long story to this.)

-The Bulls do not look good. I understand why they traded Curry, but his presence will be missed.

-How can a guy named Rover take over for Howard Stern?

-I saw a hilarious comedian named "The Reverend Bob Levy," the other night. He was cracking the shit out of me.

-Vince Vaughn is one lucky dude.

- I am upset I missed the White Sox parade.

-The show "Lost" is not very good this season.

-Taking a Vacation Day, is extremely underrated.

-What a shitty movie "The Longest Yard" is. Sandler, give it up.

-Will SNL ever be funny again?

-Joe Crede is ready to be an All-Star.

-If you ever are not looking forward to something. Try to make it seem like the worst possible thing in the world and then it will not be so bad.

-I don't see any team, other than the Bears winning that crapfest of a division.

-Stallone is making another "Rocky" and "Rambo movie. I can't wait for the follow up to "Stop or my Mom will Shoot."

-Is Estelle Getty still alive?

-If you haven't seen my Second City Writing Show yet, you live near the city, and are somewhat interested . . . Then please go see it, but do not feel forced.

I'm Out!

WHITE SOX GOING TO THE SERIES!

Wow, I never thought I would see this friggin day! My White Sox, are going to the World Series! Kiss my ass, all you fake, drunken, no baseball knowledge Cub fans! The first time since 1959. I'll admit, this team has really surprised me. When they started struggling in the 2nd half of the season and almost lost their lead to Cleveland, I thought that would do nothing in the playoffs. But, boy have they proved me wrong.

The first thing you got to be impressed with is the pitching. When the hell is the last time four starters went the distance back to back? Contreas, Buerhle, Garland, and Garcia were just phenomenal. I mean Contreas was a guy that we desperately wanted off this team during the season. Somehow he got his shit together and has become the ace of this staff. You know you got an amazing pitching staff, when the bullpen is used for only 2/3 of inning over a course of five games.

There is no question that the White Sox have mediocre hitting. But they were able to get the hits at the right time. One guy, who my dad constantly bashes for being a lazy idiot is Joe Crede. During the season except for the last month, Crede had been pretty much worthless. But in the play-offs, he has looked like Mike Schmidt. He's gotten big hit after big hit. I know Paul Kornerko got the MVP for the AL series, but I think Crede deserves it more.

Speaking of Kornerko, boy has free agency come at the right time. Hitting 40 homers in back to back seasons has guaranteed big money for him. Now after his post-season performance, who the hell knows how much cash he is going to get thrown at him? I used to think that Kornerko was not worth the money, but after watching these play-off games I can't imagine our line-up without him. Kenny Williams will have a tough decision to make this off-season.

Speaking of Kenny, boy have I hated this guy ever since he's stepped into the GM position. I've thought he's made some of the worst moves for this organization. But somehow he has been able to prove me wrong. I never thought in my wildest dreams that he would be the GM of a team going to World Series. He built extremely deep and strong pitching staff. And this past off-season, he brought in the right guys. Iguchi, Podsednik, Pyzernski, Hermanson, Jenks, and Dye have all been smart moves. I guess this is why, I'm sitting on my ass writing this blog and he's GM of the Chicago White Sox.

I'm not a fan of making predictions, but I think the Sox are going to win the World Series. Right now I would rather face the Houston Astros. They are leading the Cardinals 3-1 in their series. The Cardinals offense scares the hell out of me. The Astros do have good starting pitching with Clemens, Oswalt, and Pettite. But at the same time, I think our squad matches up better against them.

PREDICTION: Whoever the hell we play, we'll win in FIVE.

I'm out!

P.S. Sorry, I almost forgot. Cub fans, you still suck.

Alert to all DORKS: Fantasy Football Preview!

Because I got nothing to talk about and the best thing on earth called the NFL starts this week, I thought why not give my NFL '05 Preview. Ladies, I know this blog will not interest you, but this will give you great knowledge for conversations that you'll have with your boyfriend or future dates. If your boyfriend or date is not interested in talking about Football, then your relationship will not work out because he is Gay. Now let's start this!

(The following rankings are based on each player's fantasy value, not their actual talent.)

Top Five QB's

1. Peyton Manning-This man is a fantasy GOD. The numbers he puts up every week is above and beyond any other QB. If you have this man on your fantasy team and do not win the championship, then you are offically retarded.

2.Daunte Culpepper-I used to think Warren Moon was the only brotha that can throw the pigskin, but I was wrong. Culpepper has emerged as a top QB in this league with his freakish athletic skills and strong arm. Without Moss, his numbers will hurt a little bit, but at the same time he won't have the pressure to throw Moss the ball. Keep in mind, that Minnesota has a new Offense Coordinator so that can sometimes change a team's philosophy. If you are looking for a WR, Nate Burleson will be a good pick because it looks like he's Culpepper's #1 guy.

3. Kerry Collins-This guy has been my sleeper since day 1 of the offseason. Why? Two words: Randy Moss. Any QB that throws to Moss will put up huge numbers. To go along with that they also have Jerry Porter, RB Lamont Jordan, and a great offensive minded coach in Norv Turner. They're also in a talented offensive division that will have to throw the ball to stay in games. Collins will easily have over 4,000 yards.

4-Marc Bulger-Even though I think Mike Martz is a horrible head coach, he is friggin obsessed with passing. The Rams have an easy schedule and an easy division. The key is for Bulger to stay healthy. He has a crappy offensive line and does not handle hits well. Nonetheless, he is a great Fantasy QB.

5-Trent Green-I know people are going to ask "Where is Donovan McNabb?" I just think there is too much turmoil in Philly. Every year Green puts up huge numbers and he gets no respect. Kansas City has one of the best offenses in the NFL, so there is no reason to overlook him.

Top Five RB's

1.LaDainian Tomlinson-No question LT is the best back in Football. He gets a crap load of rushing and receiving yards. I will say to watch out for they're tough schedule and I also wonder when will this kid break-down because of over usage. Because it happens to every running back sometime in their career.

2.Priest Holmes-Would be the #1 back if he didn't have injury problems and was a few years younger. But when this man plays, he friggin plays! But again, will he stay healthy? And how many touches will Larry Johnson get?

3.Clinton Portis-Some people may think this is a weird pick. One of my major philosophies in Fantasy Drafts, is to take players coming off bad years who have a lot to prove. After signing a huge contract and not performing up to his expectations, Portis has tons to prove. He has tons of talent and a year of experience under Gibb's offensive system, so look for him to rebound.

4.Julius Jones-This guy showed plenty of flashes in limited action last year. Parcells loves to run the ball and he has built a very strong offensive line. I expect great things!

5.Duece McAllister-Many people may be wondering "Where is Shaun Alexander?" I'm not a big fan of Alexander. I think he is a bit soft and doesn't get enough receiving yards. Duece was slowed a bit from an injury last year, but when he got healthy he put up the numbers. It will be a tough season for the Saints because of everything that has happened in New Orleans. So the Saints will use Duece as much as possible to carry the load.

Top 5 WR's

1.Randy Moss- Moss had a bad year last year. He was hurt and did not perform up to his talent level. Now he has a new team and so much to prove that he is the best WR in the NFL. Expect a monster year, similar to Owen's in Philly last year.

2.Torry Holt-How does this guy not get any respect? Every year this guy puts up 1,000 yard/10TD seasons and yet nobody talks about him. He's got a good offense and easy schedule, so expect the same consistent numbers he always puts up.

3.Marvin Harrison-For Harrison standards, he had a bit of an off year. It wasn't really his fault, it's just that Manning found other weapons in Wayne and Stokely. But look for Harrison to bounce back and put up the numbers he is known to put up. Fun Fact: They survey the top NFL Defensive Backs and the majority said that Harrison is the most difficult WR to face.

4.Terell Owens-Terrell would be ranked #2 if he wasn't a raging A-Hole. So who knows what he is going to do. If the Eagles start to lose games, he could quit on his team. But if he plays, I do not see any reason why he cannot come close to the numbers he put up last year.

5.Chad Johnson-Johnson's numbers all depend on the development of Carson Palmer. Palmer showed flashes last year, but the question is can he do it for the whole season. Anyways, Johnson is a huge talent and you will be very fortunate to have him on your team.

So there you go! Hopefully I entertained the fellow dorks out there and did not bore my other fans into a coma. Can't wait till Sunday.

I'm out!

Kiss My Scorched Ass!

So I'm going on a Cruise next week and apparently it is standard procedure to be tan before you go on the trip. Back in the day, you were suppose to get a tan on the actual vacation. Thanks to pressures from society, that is not allowed anymore. So I've started to go tanning for the last month. I know what your thinking right at this moment, "You, in a tanning salon?" I understand, because I also never thought I would be caught dead in a place like that. To be honest, I hate going in there. I always feel like when I step in the tanning salon, the employees are laughing in their minds, "Hah! I can't believe this guy even thinks that this is going to help him. How about trying some plastic surgery first there buddy."

So after getting comfortable with the whole tanning thing, I decided to get a little risque. (I apologize beforehand, if I gross anybody out here.) Because I tan in my boxers, I was noticing that everything, but my butt was getting tanned. As a reuslt, I was having trouble telling the difference between my ass and Casper the Friendly Ghost. So I decided to pull down my boxers, so my "junk in the trunk" could get some color. Why did I decide to do this? I have no idea. To my knowledge, I am not planning on doing any nude modeling anytime soon. Although I have received some offers from "PlayJew."

Later that night, I realized that my ass was itching like crazy. I then went to the bathroom to realize that my ass was scorched. I mean it ws burned beyond belief and it only got worse. It became more and more painful. Almost to the point, where I had trouble sitting down. And I'm going through all this discomfort, for no reason all. Just so I can have a red painful ass that nobody else will see. I guess the lesson is here people, stop pressuring pathetic, idiotic people like myself that tanning is necessary to look good. Or else, ridiculously stupid mishaps such as a scorched red ass will occur.

A few quick thoughts:

-Huge blow to the Bears that Grossman is out for the year. Both of his season injuries have occured from normal hits and falls that a NFL QB takes. It's time to give up on Grossman and start Orton as your QB of the future. And Cedric Benson, you suck. (For also another reason that I will not mention.)
-Why do they keep allowing Rob Schnieder to make movies? There has to be more talented people in Hollywood than this short schumk. Watch me look like a dumbass and the movie makes $30 million its opening weekend.
-Julia Roberts has decided to quit acting. Only women and Gay men will be affected by this.
-I watched the season finale of ABC's "Hooking Up." That has to be one of the best shows in the history of television.
-Move over Will Ferrell, Steve Carell will be the next big comedy star after his movie "40 Year-Old Virgin" comes out.
-Retarded people do not belong in tanning salons.

I'm Out!