Friday, June 19, 2009

Mysterious Phone Calls, Stares, and Peepholes

So a few weeks ago, I get a strange call on my work phone. I thought it was the receptionist, so I picked up. Apparently she was transferring somebody to me. I answer the phone and it's this dude with a radio DJ voice. "Hey there Jon how's it going? This is so-in-so and I'm a Sigma Pi from Eastern Illinois University... I found your profile on Linkedin and I'm going to be in the area, so I was wondering if you would want to grab coffee or something?" I obviously had no desire to sit down and talk to some complete stranger. At the same time, I didn't know what to say. I'm too much of a puss to be a complete dick. But why would I even talk this guy? We went to completely different colleges. Does this mean I'm obligated to talk to every single Simga Pi, from colleges all across the U.S.?

We start talking about Tony Romo(The NFL QB and now former BF of Jessica Simpson) because the guy went to the same college as him. And being the football dork that I am, I of course give into the conversation. I mean, if Charles Manson wanted to talk NFL with me, I would discuss it with him. So in order to put the kibosh on the conversation and put the ball in my court, I pulled the old, "Hey, let me get your info so I can call you later." So I write down his info with no intention of calling him back. And I'm thinking case closed, I'm done with this guy.

Let's cut to a few days ago, I get another phone call from the receptionist. Being the diligent employee that I am, I answer it right away. And it's the friggin Fraternity guy again. He says "Hey Jon, remember me? We talked about Tony Romo?" Of course I remembered this idiot, how could I forget? He's like, "So would you be up for meeting up this Wednesday?" I wasn't in the best mood that day, because I was PMSing. So I cut to the chase... "Look, I'm kind of busy right now, is there something I can help you with?" It was obvious to me he wanted something, but I didn't know if it was a reach around or a cookie. He replies " Well I work for Northwestern Mutual and I wanted to go over some investing possibilities with you." Of course, he wanted my money. So I tell him... "I'm sorry, but I'm not in a position right now where I can help you." After a few moments of awkward silence... He says, "Is it alright if I call you in six months, to see if you're interested?" (Note to self: Consider getting rid of Linkedin Profile.)

-Speaking of strange phone calls... I got a peculiar Voice Message on my cell phone. It was some guy in a foreign accent, that sounded like Ozzie Guillen. I had trouble deciphering the message, but it was something along the lines of.... "This message is for Jonno... There is something you need to take care of. And if you don't call back, the decision will be made." What the hell is this dude talking about? I didn't know what to think. Did he have my parents tied up in some warehouse and was holding them for ransom? Was he another member of my Fraternity that wanted to talk about investing? I had no idea and it scared the shit out of me. So I called the number back and it's the Foreign guy. I was ready to burst out, "What do you want? And what did you do with my family?" Fortunately, I was able to compose myself and give a normal greeting. To make a long story short, the guy worked for a Collection Agency and apparently I owed money for a cleaning that was done to an apartment I rented in LA. In any case I was relieved because I had no idea what this guy wanted. The ironic thing is that when I went home to see my family, they were indeed tied up. Except it was done for other reasons. Ba-dum-bum-CHING! (Rimshot)

-Speaking of Tony Romo from my earlier rant, I was not shocked to see he broke up with Jessica Simpson. This seemed like it was doomed from the start. But is it gay of me, that a reunion of Jessica and Nick Lachey excites me? I have no idea why I would even care, but the thought of a "Newlyweds" Sequel makes me want to skip around the streets with animated hearts shooting out of me, as I sing love ballads from "Grease".

-Speaking of being gay, I caught an episode of the new TV Show "Dating In The Dark". What a fantastic idea, I must say. If I had dated in the dark during my bachelor days, I would have done a killing. I'm like a Brad Pitt meets Casanova combo when the other person can't see what I look like. When you can see me, I'm more like a stammering, stumbling, Urkel meets 40-Year-Old Virgin Combo.

-For some reason I get a lot stares from people. I'm not sure exactly why that is. I know we look at everybody. But the looks that I get, are more of a leering stare that lasts longer than the normal two second glance. If I was wearing a thong, while I juggled baby seals, and fireworks shot out of my ass, then that would justify the staring. Usually, I'm just going about my daily business and walking down the street when I get these peculiar stares. The other day, I was driving to the airport and this Asian older man who was driving beside me was apparently smitten by me. He literally turned his head while he was driving, so he could not see the road just to look at me. After a good 7-8 seconds of staring, I figured it would be over with, since I was going to the "Departutes" lane and he was going to the "Arrivals" lane. But I was wrong. The Asian man literally pulled an "Exorcist" move, where it appeared his head had spun around, just so he could get a longer look. I really need to start driving with clothes on. Ba-dum-bum-CHING!

-I heard that there is a nude online video of ESPN Sports Reporter, Erin Andrews. Apparently it's not one of those sex videos where she taped herself. Some sick dude, recorded her through a peephole while she was in her a hotel room. Now, I have not looked at this video because I am a man of integrity and also there is the fear of getting a virus on my computer. (Which has been reported from viewing the video). But this is some sick shit I must say. If you really want to see a naked, attractive, ample bosomed female... There are thousands of willing females on the internet, where you don't have to look through a hotel room peephole. I could not even fathom if there was a video taken of me in a hotel room. And I'm sure nobody would really want to see it, since it would consist of me lying on the bed in my underwear, eating chicken wings, while watching a marathon of "That's So Raven".

I'm Out!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Teeth Whitening Ads, A Sneezing Asian, and "The Hangover"

As I've been surfing the Internet latley, I've been noticing these extremely distracting and repulsive web ads for teeth whitening. I don't know where they've come from all of the sudden, but they're everywhere. Maybe part of this stimulus package went into teeth whitening advertising, because that would be the only way to explain this catastrophe. I mean, here I am chowing down on a sub at my desk... Enjoying every single scrumptious bite like it’s my last. I’m perusing around the Internet... And then boom! A disgusting ad pops up out of nowhere, of somebody's yellow buttery teeth staring right at me. I can almost compare it to having an intimate moment with yourself or another person and then an image of your parents pops into your head. (It’s never happened to me personally, but friends have told me about it.)
It's not like the ad is small, they of course have to zoom in 500% and take up half of my screen. To make it worse, the "after" picture is almost equally as disturbing. It's a picture of an African American male mouth's with his pearly white teeth, but his lips are more chapped and dry than a deserted desert. (Spelling Tip: "Dessert" has two "S's" because you always want seconds.) Whoever is the graphic designer for these ads needs to be taken into custody immediately, shipped to some Third World Country and never be allowed to come back here. I mean what's next here? Small Penis/Enlargement Ads? By the way, does anybody know a good surgeon? (It's not for me of course. It's for a friend.)

-I was in the security line at the airport over the holiday weekend... And the line was absolutely going nowhere. There was a young Asian lady behind me and she began repeatedly sneezing. After her initial sneeze, I politely turned my head just to get some reassurance that she was indeed covering her mouth. Since, you know that's what NORMAL people do. As I peeked behind me I noticed she was not making any attempt to cover her mouth, and with the Swine Flu, SARS, and Mad Cow disease.(I'm just trying to think of a third one) I'm not gonna lie, I became a little neurotic. I mean it's one thing if her sneezes were dry. But as Larry David once said, "You can never assume dry." What also made it difficult was that she was behind me, so it's not like I had eyes in back of my head and I could protect myself from her repeated infectious sneezes. My only other option was to turn around and stand backwards in the security line. I think then I would have freaked her out and most likely been taken away by security for improper leering. (I've had previous offenses) I guess the only option is to suck it up and by one of those Michael Jackson Homo Swine Flu Masks.

(This is my ex Julio. I miss him.)

-I was trying to close a drawer at my GF's home, but it would not close for some reason. This drawer is home to the aluminum foil and storage bags, so thinking it were something of that nature stuck towards the back I reached my hand in the drawer to remove whatever was preventing it from closing. Stuck in the roof of the drawer was this random picture that looked like it was taken from the early 90's... In the picture was a male stripper in a thong with his ass sticking out and some unidentified girl trying to insert some object into him. I must say, it wasn't the best picture to find in your significant other's home. I would have much preferred to have found a picture of little puppies and bunnies having a nice delightful picnic in a park. I confronted the GF and she started laughing because she had no idea where the picture came from. She thinks the picture might have belonged to the previous condo owner. I'll take her word for it. But when she finds my midget porn collection, all I can say is... Jonno has some leverage!

-I saw a screening of "The Hangover" last week. And I must say, it is pretty darn hilarious. (Prediction: Zach Galifianakis is going to be the next comedy star.) He was that good. So right before the film starts, this woman in her 50's sits directly behind me. No it was not the sneezing Asian, but I think I would have preferred her. I had my phone out because my friend was running late. She asks me "Is your phone a LG?" I replied, "I don't believe so." Thinking I was out of the woods with this woman, she then asks, "How do you get your phone to vibrate? I don't know how to get mine to." Are we serious? Has this woman been in a coma for 8 years and just recently bought her first cell phone? And why am I the first person she has to ask on how to use a phone? Was I wearing an AT&T customer representative thong that was sticking out of my ass? (Sorry, I still can't get the male stripper image out of my head.) Being the nice guy that I am, I told her that I just press the volume buttons on the left side of my phone to the lowest level. And she's like, "Well, I don't have those." Fortunately, she found someone else to bother with her phone questions. Thank the Lord!

The movie begins and the cell phone incompetent woman decides to laugh at every single joke. Her laugh was this ear-deafening chuckle that felt like it lasted for an eternity. She would also add her own commentary such as, "Oh No” or “Good God..." If you haven't noticed I'm not really the type of person who can tune stuff out. And why is it that these buffoons always show up at the last minute? I swear it always happens that way. Fortunately, the movie was funny enough where I was still able to enjoy it despite her interjections, but God that woman was ridiculous. If only I could have figured out a way to put her on vibrate. (Get it? Like the phone?)

I'm Out!