Sunday, October 08, 2006

Hands Across America

Sorry for the hiatus everybody. Just like how network television takes summer vacations and premiere new shows in the fall. I did the same. So let's go!

I am sure everybody is aware of Netflix. Netflix is a internet DVD delivery service, that deliver DVDs to your home. So you don't have to get off your ass and waddle over to the video store. My P's (I mean Parents, sorry I like to be hip.) have their own netflix account. About seven or eight months ago I was at their house just chillin'. My mother approaches me with a smile and shows me a netflix DVD they got. Normally, the netflix DVD comes in a Red envelope. The one she handed me was in a netflix light blue envelope. She explains to me that they got this DVD by mistake. On the envelope was the name Ron Hughes and it was some address near my P's house. Anyways, I open up the DVD and the title of the movie is "Hand Jobs Across America Vol.2" This is no joke people. First of all, I was not aware that netflix has a porn section of DVD's. Secondly, how awkward is that my mother is showing me the DVD. And she is laughing in addition. Does this mean that my parents watched this video together? Or did my Dad happen to watch this when my mom was not around? Or vice versa? And who is this Ron Hughes guy? He sure seems like some horn dog pervert. Given that the movie he selected was "Hand Jobs Across America Vol. 2." This must mean he has seen the first volume of Hand Jobs Across of America and was pleased with the results.

After coming back to earth by seeing what movie was in this blue netflix envelope. My mom then utters the words "Why don't you take it home." I'm like what? What are you talking about? Take it home? You mean take it home and burn it? Because that is the only thing to do with that DVD because it contaminated. I mean don't get me wrong, there was curiosity about what this Hand Jobs Across America Vol. 2 was all about. I mean what geographic area is the best? East Coast, West Coast, or Midwesterners? Even with this perverted curiosity, there was no way I could take this DVD home with me. Knowing in the back of my head that my mother gave it to me. I could just picture myself watching the DVD in my own privacy, somewhat being intrigued by the DVD, and then picturing my mother with her distinct voice saying . . . "Oh you like that? Enjoying the movie? Need some help with that?" Okay, now I'm am grossing myself about by writing this. Geez, what I do to entertain you people. Going back to the story. I adamantly say no to taking the DVD. Instead of seeing my discomfort she then asks why I don't want to take it. I was like because I don't want it. And then she insists again for me to take it. So we go back and forth with her offering the movie and me saying no. And I didn't understand why she wanted me to take this movie so badly. Because very easily, she could of just mailed back the DVD to netflix so Mr. Ron Hughes could enjoy enjoy his second tour of America.

Now, lets go back to a few weeks ago. I was home again for a holiday. And my mother hands me a netflix DVD in a light blue envelope. I open it up and again I see Ron Hughes's name and the movie is of course the critically acclaimed "Hand Jobs Across America Vol.2" Apparently Mr. Hughes is determined to get this DVD. Shocked by how this mistake could happen twice, my mother tells me again to take it home. I again say no, go ahead and mail it back. Just like before she refuses to take no as an answer. And its not like my parents are these openly sexual, wild people. My parents are quite the opposite, to be honest I don't even know how me or my sister were conceived. It's very possible that I was somehow adopted and they just refused to tell me. In summary. it makes no sense for my mother to be so adamant about me taking this DVD home. Assuming, I put this DVD debacle to rest. I start packing up some laundry that I did at their house and in the laundry bag at the bottom I see the DVD. I friggin give up!

P.S. North Dakota is an amazing state.

I'm Out!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Douche meets "Entourage"


So this past week I was in LA for the Espys. For all you peeps who don't know what the Espys are, its basically a Espn Sports award show. It's like the Oscars or Grammys for Sports. I was able to get this trip through work. I won't get into the specifics, but basically my buddy/co-worker Johnny was offered this ESPN sponsored trip. And of course he was gracious enough to take me along for the ride. This is the same guy who has taken me to Milwaukee twice, Cleveland twice, Hartford/Boston, San Diego, and now LA. So I guess its fair to say I probably I owe my life to this dude.

Anyways, we arrive in LA Tuesday morning. A driver meets us at the airport, holding a sign with our names. How cool is that? I never thought I would be that guy with my name on a sign. I mean shit, who am I? Really just some schlub who works in the media industry. So we get to our hotel and decide to walk around LA for a little bit. Our driver suggested that we hit up "In and Out Burger." Given Johnny and myself's fat kid resume, we thought it was a fantastic idea. Before we left for grub, we had to check in with the ESPN people. So we talk to these ESPN representatives and they give us a run down of what's going for the next two days. And then they tell us to grab a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. Now this somewhat amusing, because Johnny was just mentioning how he forgot to bring his sunglasses and he was going to have to buy a pair. Then almost magically through the heavens, ESPN tells us to pick out a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, assuming worth $100. Since it was a bit of a walk to "In and Out" we took a cab down Sunset Blvd. Since we were so hungry and not sure where it was at. Our plan was to take a cab there and walk back. On the way in the cab we passed by all this cool stuff. One thing I saw was a film crew out on the street filming something. I was curious to see what they were filming, but given this was LA I figured it probably wasn't that big of a deal. And they were probably shooting some commercial or something. We get to the Burger joint and chow down on some Burger and Fries. The food was good, but not as great as everybody made it out to be.

After the feast, we decide to walk back down Sunset Blvd. We saw all these cool sites. Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, Viper Room, Directors Guild of America etc . . . Finally we came to the spot where they were filming. From across the street I could see a hot blonde. Again I did not think this was a big deal. Hot blondes are all over this friggin place. Then Johnny tells me he overheard they are shooting "Entourage." I was like, "Are you kidding me?" There wasn't even a huge crowd watching. And here in my first hour in LA, I bump into the filming of one of the biggest shows in the country. So I quickly waddle over and cross the street. I walk up as close as I can and nobody says a word to me. I guess security assumes that I'm part of the crew. Right away, I see Kevin Dillon. And I'm thinking this is amazing! Then, security asks me if I'm part of the crew. Stupidly, I say no. He tells me to wait behind this yellow taped line. I watch them film a scene and I see the rest of the cast. I'm thinking to myself, when else am I going to be a situation like this? I had to walk away with some type of evidence I was here. Either get a picture with one of the actors or shoot the shit with them. They end shooting one of their scenes and you can only walk by the set if you are trying to cross the street. So as I walk by there is some guy getting a pic with Kevin Dillon and Turtle is taking the picture. So right when I was ready to get to talk to him, the Director yells that they are going to start filming again and for everybody to leave. Strategically, I walk across the street. So that when they stop shooting again, I'll be able to walk past the set again. I know as you are reading this, you are probably thinking . . . "Man, this guy is acting a gay stalker little school girl, about these dudes." You know what, I don't give a shit, say what the hell you want. I was trying to make some history here. Anyways, they shoot the scene and take another break. This was probably my last chance to get a pic. Because if I keep on walking by the set back and forth, I'm sure security would get suspicious. So I walk past the set again and to my right I see Vincent and E sitting down smoking a cigarette. On the show, Vincent plays the movie star and E plays the best friend/manager. I really had no idea how they would react. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "These guys are going to totally tell me to screw off or we're too busy for a pic." I then walk up to them and say, "I'm really sorry to bother you guys, but is it cool if I just got a quick picture." E quickly gets up and is like, "Oh yeah sure, no problem." Seeing how E was cool with it, Vincent then gets up also. I could tell Vincent kind of did not want to, but felt he had to since E was willing. At this moment, I was like "Holy shit!" I had no idea it was going to be this easy. Just to think two days ago I was sitting in my underoos, scratching my ass, watching them on the Tele and here I am taking a pic with the two of them. So with E on the left, Vincent in the middle, and myself on the right we pose for a picture. Fortunately, Johnny was right there behind me to be able to take the picture. I think I said to Vincent before the picture, "Sorry, that I'm a little sweaty. It's so friggin hot." I could tell Vincent was thinking "Somebody get this friggin gross douche away from me." And thinking about it right now, I don't know why I had to tell him I was sweaty. Friggin awesome!

More from the Espys to come later.

I'm Out!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Bulls Talk, Brooke Hogan, and "Little Man" Hype

-Let me just say I am extremely surprised that my Bulls were able to sign Ben Wallace. First of all, I didn't not think Paxson was interested in Wallace because of his age and the money that it would cost. Secondly, I never thought he would leave the Pistons for the Bulls. But he did and its friggin awesome. Wallace brings some much needed toughness and experience that the Bulls desperately needed. Now it looks like Tyson Chandler will be traded with that God awful contract. My sources tell me he will go to the Hornets for P.J. Brown. I think P.J. Brown will be a great addition because he is the ultimate professional and will be able to mentor Tyrus Thomas. Also, P.J. Brown's contract ends after next year, so that will give the Bulls cap space room to sing their core players who will be up from new contracts soon. As for the draft, I was not as happy as most people. I understand Tyrus Thomas has the potential to be a good player. But he's 6'8 and only weighs 220 pounds. We needed a center who could score down low. And Aldridge gave us that, but for whatever reason Paxson did not like him. But given Paxson's track record I will shut the hell up and trust him. Can't wait till next season!

Other random awkward thoughts . . .

-I've came to the realization that I cannot snap my fingers. If anybody would like to come and show me I would greatly appreciate it.

-At all costs try to stay away from the L and Wrigleyville during Cubs games. Believe me, it is in the best interest for you to stay away from those large crowds of bafoons.

-Read my Lips . . . Brooke Hogan will be the next biggest Pop Star in the world.

-If you are looking for a new funny show. Watch Comedy Central's new show "Dog Bites Man." It's from the same proudcer of the Ali G Show.

-If you think I am serious with the second to last comment I just made. Then please never read my blog again and make sure to get on the next L to Wrigleville on a Cubs game day.

-Rumor has it I will be making a trip out to LA for the ESPYS. I know most of you are thinking I will be accepting an award for my 31-point performance I had in a park district basketball game earlier this year. But that is not the reason. (For reference: Please read the Air Douche blog entry. )

-My favorite song right now. Snow Patrols; "Hands Wide Open."

-The person that I would like to punch in the face right now . . . Is young singer, John Mayer wannabe, bitch Teddy Geiger. Man that kid irritates me!

-I am looking forward to seeing "Superman Returns" for only one reason. To see Kevin Spacey play Lex Luthor.

-I already bought my tickets to see the Wayans Brothers new movie "Little Man." I don't know what all of you think, but that looks like a laugh riot! (Who is the mother-fu*ker that allows those non-talent clowns to make movies?)

-Does this ever happen to you? You are getting ready to go out somewhere (ex: bars, dinner, work etc.) In your head you are content with how you look, so you leave to go out. Then maybe an hour or two later you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and "Good God, this is not how I thought I looked." Well this happens to me frequently and its a bit frustrating.

-Christine Auguilera is looking better and better these days.

-I'm Out!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Break-Up, Zach Braff Look-A-Like, and Screech

-I saw the movie "The Break-Up" last weekend. I felt the movie was mediocre. It wasn't great and it wasn't bad. Vince Vaughn had his moments, but overall I found most of the movie to be very slow. It was neat to see how the film was shot in Chicago. Speaking of scenery, Jennifer Anniston looked so friggin hot it was ridiculous. I thought she might of lost too much weight, but I was wrong . . . She still has it going on! Scenes involving Vaughn and John Faverau were hilarious, since they have phenomenal on-screen chemistry. But boy did Faverau put on some weight. I think he might of eaten Rudy. Rating: 2 1/2 Awkward moments out of 4. P.S. I thought the movie ended the right way.

-I am all for Dallas beating the crap out of those Miami A-Holes in the NBA finals. First of all Dirk Nowitzki has turned into one of my favorite players. He's always been able to score, but now he's added some toughness to his repitriore. And who would of thought Avery Johnson would be such a good head basketball coach?

-My take on the Ben Rothensberger motorcycle accident. My question to Ben is how many athletes do you need to see get hurt on a motorcycle before you realize this is not a good idea? I mean we have Kellen Winslow Jr., Jason Williams, Jeff Kent, and Aaron Rowand etc . . . Have all had serious injuries from riding a motorcycle. Dumb move pal!

-Don't ask me why, but I tried to watch the spoof parody movie "Date Movie." Oh my gosh was it just brutally bad. I had to turn it off after 20 minutes. It was truly unbearable to watch. I think I rather watch my traumatizing, embarrassing Bar Mitzvah Video 100 times in a row than sit through that piece of crap.

-It was announced that Zach Braff and Mandy Moore have called it quits. Now I don't know if this is true or not, but I've been told by a few people that I look like Zach Braff. So does this mean then that I can get Mandy Moore caliber ass?

-I realize the answer to the previous question is no. I thought I would just give it a shot.

-Speaking of ass . . . (Amazing Seg-Way) I waddled over to Walgreens the other day. And I noticed that they now have condoms locked up in a case. I guess these thieves who have been steeling Claritin and Mach 3 razor blades, are finally getting laid. Congrats!

-As I was driving to work the other day, I heard Paris Hilton new hit single "Stars Are Blind" on my satellite radio. I think I could make better music, dropping a deuce and listening to Clay Aiken music simultaneously.

-On the Howard Stern Show recently, Screech from Saved By the Bell was on as a guest. Screech revealed that his special member is 10 inches long. I gotta guess Lisa Turtle is kicking herself in the ass after hearing that one.

-I'm Out

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Oh No You Didn't!

I had the opportunity to go to San Diego recently. One of the TV Sales Reps invited Johnny and myself out there for the weekend. I have never been to San Diego before and I found it to be a beautiful city. The weather was not the best while we there, but I got a little taste of it. According to the TV rep the weather consistently stays around 75 Degrees year round. Which I thought was pretty damn impressive.
Okay so enough about the weather, lets cut to the chase. Pretty much what we did for two straight days was eat (a lot), drink (a lot), and gawk at women. Apparently in San Diego, the women are tough to talk to. They tend to go for more a surfer, muscular, tattoo look. Which may surprise you, but that does not fit my description. The girls were so tough to approach, they wouldn't even give you eye contact hardly. I mean I'm not saying I do a killing in the windy city, but I'll at least get a look here and there. Even my buddy, Johnny the rockstar chick magnet, couldn't get the girls attention. The first night we hung out by the beach and went to bars around there. And each bar had these huge lines out the door which all these college kids. So it was not really our scene. The beach area was better suited for us during the day. The TV rep then suggested that we go to his favorite dive bar in the downtown area. Johnny and I thought that would be a good idea.
So we're at this dive bar sitting at a table near the girl's bathroom. (Prime Spot!) At this point, I've drank beer the whole day and had a decent amount of Kettle-One Tonics. I guess you can say I'm feeling fairly loose. So we start to have this friendly conversation with this Jamaican chick and then her friend approaches our table. The friend is midly attractive, seems likes a dumb ass. But whatever, who am I to judge somebody's intelligence? I mean hell, the book I'm currently reading is an autobiography on Tom Green. Anyways, we begin to have a group conversation at the table. And yes this girl is boring and dumb, but at this point we don't care. We are just happy to get some friggin female attention. From the conversation, I find out this girl is from Connecticut. So I found that to be interesting, given that I been there before. I then ask what town she is from? I forget what town she says, but it was a town I had heard of before. So right now, I felt like I was getting somewhere. My next question I figured was a normal, typical question you would ask somebody who you have just met. I asked, "So what do you for a living here in San Diego?" She then looks at me for a second and then turns away. I figured, since it was a loud bar maybe she did not hear me. I then asked the same question again. This time she doesn't even look at me and doesn't attempt to act like she heard a word I said. People, I cannot explain what happened from hear on out. But let me just say, I've have some built up frustration with the females recently. And it does not help that we weren't getting any attention from girls in the first place. And it also does not help that I was drinking Kettle-One Tonics. At this point, I decided to stick up for myself and every single male out there who have been treated unfairly by the woman. I can't promise that this was an actual transcript of what was said, but I will do my best to remember. "Excuse me, I just asked you a question. (The girl then looks at me.) I mean I don't understand. I ask you a simple question and you don't have the decency to even answer me. That's perfectly fine, if you don't feel comfortable answering. But if that's the case, then simply just say I rather not answer that question. I mean I just find it extremely rude that you couldn't answer me. To be honest, I could give two shits what you do for a living. But I'm just trying to be a nice guy here and ask a friendly question." So as I am berating this girl, Johnny is on the ground laughing. Pretty much because he has never seen me act like this before and I am just going off on this poor girl. Like I said, I don't know no what got into me. My best guess, was that there was too much built up frustration. And at the same time, I decided to stick up for every male out there, who has been rejected by a girl. It's about time as males, that we take a stand. And not let these females have so much power over us. Follow my lead and I shall take all of you to a world where men will not take any shit from these rude, disrespectful women. Amen.

I'm Out!

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Tricky Toilet Paper

So a few weekends ago, some buddies and I went over to Trader Todds. Trader Todds is a small karaoke bar, where you see obliterated people singing the worst karaoke you have ever seen. Here's a little backstory . . . The two previous days, I had a bad stomach. Where I'll be feeling fine and out of nowhere, I'll get this sharp pain and have to drop an immediate deuce. So of course at this bar it has to hit me. I go over to the bathroom and its one of those single toilet bathrooms. Where only one person can go at a time. So I wait for the person that was in the bathroom to come out. I walk in the bathroom and its the grossest friggin thing I have ever seen. There is one toilet covered in urine with other mysterious substances on the ground. I tell myself, "I can't friggin go here." "But if I don't try to go, I am going to be in deep trouble the rest of the night." And while I am debating what to do, I realize there is probably about five people in line waiting to take a piss. So I chicken out and leave the bathroom. My plan was to just tough it out and hopefully it would go away. About ten minutes later, I'm sitting at a table and the pains become unbearable again. I then waddle my way back to the bathroom. I walk in and stare at the repulsive, disgusting, and atrocious bathroom. So I do the unthinkable . . . I pull down my pants and I squat over the urine infested toilet. I don't know if any of you readers have ever had to squat before, but boy is not easy. For a second there, I was having flashbacks of my 6th grade gym class, when a fat chubby version of myself was trying to do a wall sit. I squat as long I can tolerate and try my best to relieve myself. Now it's time for everybody's favorite part, the clean up. I look around for some toilet paper. The only paper I see, is a roll that is soaked on the back of toilet. What is it soaked with? That's is a very good question. But given that the toilet was drenched in urine and it was also all over the ground . . . I came to the tough conclusion that the toilet paper was indeed soaked with urine. So what do you do? Do you not clean yourself up? Or do you use the urine soaked toilet paper and risk a disease. I chose door #2. I took the soaked toilet paper and try to rip away into the middle of the roll where it was dryer. The toilet paper was still a little wet, but it was the best that I could do. I finish cleaning up in this brutally gross environment and walk over to the paper towel dispenser. I grab some paper towels to dry off my hands and I notice a mysterious brown basket strangely placed on top of the paper towel dispenser. Inside this nice, little, cute brown basket are two fresh, un-touched, clean toilet paper rolls. I asked myself, "AlrightI give up, who the hell is messing with me?" I mean is Ashton Kutcher going to jump out of the ceiling with that obnoxious laugh and tell me I've been Punked?" In a perfect world, I would rather get Hepatitis C by banging Pamela Anderson instead of by urine soaked toilet paper. But as we have seen, this is indeed not a perfect world.

I'm Out!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

New Coach, Celebrity Roommies, and Gay Groping

-What are my feelings on the hiring of Kelvin Sampson for Indiana? First of all, any coach is an upgrade over Mike Davis. I don't think he is the best coach we could have gotten. I would of liked to of seen a Mark Few, Tom Crean, or a even a Rick Majerus (if he is still alive). Kelvin did a good job in Oklahoma, they were very consistent every year and he recruited well. In the NCAA Tournament, he failed to do anything special. The farthest he has gotten was the final four in 2002, where he ironically lost to Mike Davis and the Indiana Hoosiers. In conclusion, I'll just sit back, give the guy a chance, and see how he does.

-What a horrible finale to the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet Challenge (No I'm not Gay). And if I see that Kina piece of shit walking down the street, I'm punching her in the face. Damn, is she annoying!

-They might as well end the contest of American Idol because that bald-headed Chris dude has it all wrapped up. (I'm aware he's no Clay Aiken)

-Apparently Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn are planning a move to Chicago. I could not think of two better roommates to have. All I know is that I got top bunk.

-Wilmer Valderamma(the foreign dude from "That 70's Show") had some interesting things to say on the Howard Stern Show this past week. Apparently this guy has banged Lindsey Lohan, Mandy Moore (took her virginity), and Jennifer Love Hewitt. There are also rumors he was involved with Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba, and Jamie Pressley. Lucky no talent piece of shit!

-Sports Illustrated picked the White Sox to win the World Series in 2006. I'm pleased that SI thinks so highly of my, but this magazine has a tendency to put a curse on teams that they pick to win. Unfortunately, I don't think the White Sox will be able to repeat. For one thing, their bullpen looks like crap this year. But more importantly, I believe that once you when the World Series its hard to have the necessary motivation to repeat.

-I watched the movie "Waiting" with Ryan Reynolds. They should of re-named the movie "Van Wilder Works at a Restaurant." Can the guy play another friggin character for once?

-How dare Issac Mizrahi grope Scarlett Johanson (Recently added to my Top 5) at the Golden Globes. Hey Issac, stick to the pole smoking and lay your hands off my woman.

-Reeses Puff Cereal tastes better dry than with milk.

-Is there anybody that Nick Lachey is not banging? I mean I even hooked up with him last night.

I'm Out!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Air Douche

Please let me start off by saying, by no means am I a talented basketball player. If I play consistently, I can shoot fairly well. But that's about it. So the purpose of this entry is not for me to brag, but more for me to inform the public of my unexpected performance. Here's a little background . . . I haven't played organized basketball in 3 years. So far I've played in three games since I've joined this league. My last game which was two weeks ago, I was just brutally awful, hitting only 2 out of who knows how many shots. And I had to miss last week's game for a work function. So coming into my next game I had very little confidence. To make matters worse, I arrive late to the game. Literally, right when I walked in they were tipping off to start. So I had no time at all to warm up with my shooting. And usually I like to warm up and shoot for a half-hour before a game. The game starts and I see that we only got 4 guys on our team. (The League is 4-on-4) So I'm thinking great, now we can't even sub out if somebody (most likely me) gets tired. We get the ball and somebody passes me the ball, I have an open three-pointer. In my head I'm thinking there is no friggin way I'm making this shot. But I shoot the ball without hesitation and I drain the three. I'm thinkin here, what the hell? I don't practice or warm up at all and I drain a three? I don't get it. We get the ball and again I have an open three pointer. Nothing but net again! At this point I'm puzzled as hell, but I don't care. I ended up being on fire the whole night and ended up with a 31-point game. A career best by far. People, I cannot explain what happened to me that night. I almost want to say there was somebody watching over me and putting the ball in the basket for me. How could I be so awful two weeks ago and then not warm up and have this type of game? Honestly, this will have to be a game that I will tell my kids about. Yes son, I realize that I look like I can't walk straight, but gosh darn it I had a 31-point game in my basketball career. If you are curious we ended getting creamed and losing the game. My team is pretty darn awful, which may explain my scoring performance. But people, it still puzzles me at this moment today, how I was able to perform at that level. I can honestly say, there will never be a game like that for me again. So whenever I am down or feel like a friggin chump, I will think back to the game where a 6'3, so-called unathletic, Jewish male douche, had the game of his life.

I'm Out!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Bad Basketball, Indy Wrap-Up, and Fogo De Chao

-I am watching the All-Star game and I am completely bored out of my mind. What the hell happened to this game? I remember as a kid, looking forward to the All-Star game and enjoying every minute of it. Jordan, Magic, Barkley, Bird etc . . . all had their own individual personalities that they brought to the game. The stars now, like Lebron, Koby, Wade, McGrady, all have personalities that are so boring and bland. Don't get me wrong they're talented as hell, but it's impossible for me to watch these guys for five minutes and not wonder what am I going to eat for dinner. (And enough with the friggin Alley-oops every other second. I mean, I get it! All of you are friggin athletic and can all jump.)

-Speaking of bad basketball, (amazing seg-way) my basketball play has come back to reality. I probably shot 2 for 30 in my last game. Man, was I just horrendous. You know its bad, when you finally hit a shot late in the game and the ref says to, "It's about time."

-Finally my dream has come true and Indiana Basketball coach Mike Davis has decided to resign. Now, I hated this guy since Day One. I always knew he couldn't coach worth shit. I know he took the team to the championship game in 2002, but those were all Knight's players. Who were so well trained, a friggin manatee (a fat dumb sea mammal) could of coached those players and won. This Mike Davis character has turned one of the best basketball programs in the country and turned it into a complete disgrace. People say Davis was a good recruiter, well I don't give a shit if he is. Recruiting is not coaching basketball. And plus, who the hell has he brought in that is even worth mentioning? And how many guys has he missed out on getting? All I can say is good riddance this man is gone and bring on a real coach. (Majeaurs ($$$$$), Alford, Randy Wittman, or Tom Crean?

-The on-going saga of my car continues. First, I crash into and destroy my parking garage's automatic garage door, then I write a rude note on the car that parks next to me, and now some bastard decides to steal my back license plate. What the hell? So if the person that stole my back license plate is reading this blog now. Have a swell of a time committing murders, rapes, thefts, kidnapping under my license plate. Don't worry enjoy, it's all on me.

-So myself and some of my buddies decide to meet up in Indy last weekend. Here are some things I've learned . . .

-I can beat Drew's ass
-Jed is a hell of a friggin drinker and funnier than me.
-Bailey likes me better than his owner. (Settle down, he's a dog.)
-Sir Nicholas, still has the ability to display amazing banter. (This time with a stripper.)
-Jed and B.J. enjoy ralphing right next to each other in parking lots of nice restaurants.
-I have no problem telling a stripper that the dollar dance she gave me was shit! I mean come on, I should be a fresh breath of air compared to some of the dudes that roll in there. So show me some love!
-Sir Nicholas's chick, might not be too fond of his friends. (Ex: Bad cruise interactions and drunken voice messages.)

-If you ever are looking to eat mass quantities of beef in Chicago then go to a restaurant called Fogo de Chao. Oh my gosh, it was like fat kid heaven. Waiters come around and offer you 15 different cuts of beef non-stop. And to go along with that, they have a salad bar. It really was a dream come true.

- I watched the show "Fat Camp" on MTV the other day. All I can say is wow! Now that is what I consider entertaining television.

-Lisa Lampanelli is the funniest comedian chick in the biz right now. If you have not heard her shit, I suggest you do.

I'm Out!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Jammed Thumbs, Awkward Parking, and Isiah Thomas

-So I have to decided to take up basketball again and join a league. I've haven't played since senior year, so it's been close to three years since then. The first play of the game, this dude whips a pass to me down-low and I friggin jam my thumb. So I was pretty much worthless the first game. This past week, we had another game and I was coming off screens and hitting jumpers like no tomorrow. So, I'm happy to say "the shot" is back! On a negative note, my conditioning definitely needs to improve.

-Speaking of basketball, I saw the movie "Glory Road" recenlty. My expectations were not that high and I thought the movie was very entertaining. I didn't particularly think Josh Lucas acted that well, but the story of the movie made up for it. Of course it had some flaws, but I did not find myself bored once during the film. Anybody that has any interest the game of basketball, should see this movie.

-I am glad to see Tyson Chandler learned how to play basketball again. Now I can somewhat understand why he was given $60 million.

-In my parking garage every person is designated their own spot and pays quite an amount of money to park there. My spot number is #360. Well, I get back to my spot Wed. night at 9:30 and this Acura, was in my spot. The other night I saw this same Acura is spot #361 (to the right of me). But for the last few weeks, Spot #361 has been open. So I figure some jackass is parking there late at night and not paying for the spot. I get friggin pissed and put a sign on the driver's window that says "Get the hell out of my spot! Or I'll tow your Ass." I'm thinking with this sign, I've solved the problem of this parking spot theif. The next day I see this Acura park in spot #361, right next to me. I then find out, that this person just recently got this spot and accidently parked in my spot. Can somebody say awkward?

-I seem to be having some bad luck with the parking garage.

-Hot milf Heather Locklear and I get all of Jon Bon Jovi's leftovers Richie Sambora got divorced last week. Women, please take a look at Heather and try to look like her as you get older. I gurantee that you will not have any marriage problems. (Except if your husband is in the band Bon Jovi)

-Antonio Davis's wife Kendra was charged with battery assault against a Naperville woman. That bitch is crazy! (I would still do her though)

-Isiah Thomas was charged with sexual harrassment by a marketing execuitve for the New York Knicks. And the next day he goes out and trades for Jalen Rose. This man, is the best GM ever!

-I know it's kind of late for my Super Bowl prediction, given that the game starts in a little over a hour. But I'll give my thoughts anyways. The Seahawks had by far a better regular season. Alexander had an MVP season and Hasselback threw the ball accurately. The defense did its job and they had a 14-2 record. Going into the playoffs, I did not think the Steelers had a chance in hell to go to the Super Bowl. But Rothensberger has been throwing the ball like a champ so far in the playoffs. And the defense has looked mighty impressive with that long hair dude Pomaleau (Spelling?) Just like everybody else I pick the Steelers. And not because Bettis is from Detroit, that means absolutely shit. Because of Rothesnbeger ability to throw the ball downfield and the play of the defense. I think Seattle will hang in there for awhile. Score: Steelers 27 Seahawks 20

-I friggin hate that new "Train" song. Wanna hear a good song, listen to OAR's "Love and Memories."

-Anybody that contributed to "Big Mommas House 2" to being #1 in the box office this past weekend, should be smacked in the head.

I'm out!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Bears venting, Scarlett Johansson, and good Honey Mustard

Let me first talk about the horrid Bear game I had to watch last weekend. What the hell where they thinking? The first play of the game you get burned by the best receiver in the league. So you do two things after that happens. 1. You double or triple team Steve Smith's ass. 2. And go tell Tillman to set his pathetic peanut ass on the bench. What did Lovie and the Bears decide to do? 1. Keep defending Smith in single coverage 2. Have a practice squad defensive back named Chris Thompson go up against Smith. I mean come on! And then on offense we have Grossman chucking up 200 passes like he's friggin Dan Marino. Did we forget how we won 11 games this season? It wasn't by throwing the ball, it was by running the ball. Thomas Jones averaged 4 yards a carry in the game, but for some ridiculous reason we decide to run the ball only 20 times. The fact of the matter is the Bears were an overrated team. The Panthers deserve to move on in the playoffs, so nobody should think that the Bears missed their opportunity.

Other Random/Awkward Thoughts:

-At first, I understood why Antonio Davis went into the stand at the Bulls game. But after finding out how much a wacko his wife is and her track record of getting kicked out of her children's basketball games, it's evident there's something wrong with the woman. (I would still do her though.)

-I started watching the movie "Into the Blue," with Paul Walker and Jessica Alba (Wow!). It's actually not that bad of movie, pretty entertaining.

-Why is it that when I go to Walgreens there is a locked case for Claritin and Mach 3 Turbo Razors? So now it takes me an extra ten minutes to wait for a Walgreens representative to get them to open it up. If you reading this and are one of the indviduals going around stealing allegry pills and razor blades, try and set your goals a little higher.

-Nachos are the best thing to eat at a basketball game.

-I was shocked to hear my idol Howard Stern got a nose job and lipo on his chin. Very disappointed.

-So far the new Howard Stern Sirius Show has not lived up to my expectations. But there is still no comparison between Sirius and FM/AM Radio.

-I don't gell all the buzz about "My Name is Earl."

-Scarlett Johannson has joined my "Top Five." Congratulations Scarrlett, you have joined an elite class.

-A snow storm hit Chicago last Friday night. So you think people would stay in given the circumstances. So at midnight the bar I was at, kicks everybody out because it was over crowded. I don't get it? Why can't people stay home?

-It is impossible to find good Honey Mustard at the grocery store.

-The Bulls are a bad team.

-If I hear that friggin Pusscycat song again, I will get dangerous and hurt somebody.

-That Fall Out Boy song "Dance, Dance" is one hell of a song.

- I thought the Broncos were going to the Super Bowl and I was wrong.

I'm Out!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Queer Eye For The Awkward Guy

The other day I decide to meet my buddy Steve out for some beers. Steve was already with his cousin and a friend of his. So I get to the bar and it seems like a nice enough place. I introduce myself to Steve's friend and his cousin. They both seemed like nice people and I gotta say the friend was pretty good looking. But she is irrelevant to the story. Anyways, I'm sitting at the bar drinking a beer. I look up at the bartenders and they appear to be homosexuals. Not a big deal at all, that's cool. And then I see a very flamboyant male, sit two stools down from me at the bar. Again not a big deal, I'm lover not a hater. So I'm just drinking my beer, watching the football game. Just kind of in my own world. And to the right of me I feel a sharp grab to my waist and a back rub. And it's from the flamboyant gay dude. Right away, I freeze as if I am in gunpoint. He then whispers in my ear, "Can I get a cigarette?" Quickly, in it about a nano-second I grab Steve's cigarettes and toss them to the flamboyant dude. At this moment, I am way too uncomfortable to even care if it's cool with Steve to give away his smokes. Honestly, if the flamboyant dude asked me for a million dollars I probably would of gave that to him also. I just wanted to be left alone. Apparently, after giving him cigarrettes he took that as a nice gesture from me. So he introduces himself and tells me his name is Parker. And boy is this guy a pickle lover. I mean he makes Richard Simmons look like Vin Diesel. Trying my best to not act like I'm interested and make a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Parker finally turns Steve's friend Allison and is like "Boy you are beautiful." Right now I'm thinking thank God, he's not talking to me anymore. And then Parker says, "What are you doing with here these gorgeous guys?" Now I'm thinking "Shit, I'm still not out of the woods yet." He continues to talk to our group and I am doing my best to just concentrate and watch the football game. At the same time, I can not get the grab of my waist out of my head. It's almost like I felt abused and dirty. And then I hear Parker say to Steve's friend Allison, "So what brings you to a gay bar?" I'm thinking, "What the fuck?" My buddy Steve brings me to a gay bar without telling me. I mean I guess I should of put it all together given that Steve's cousin is gay, the gay bartenders, and Parker the fudgepacker grabbing my waist. Fortunately, we had to leave to go see this comedy show. So I had to break Parker's heart and jet the hell out of there. So Steve and I leave the bar and I'm a little ticked he took me this place without telling me. Before I could say anything, Steve says to me "Why the hell did you give away my cigarettes?" I then quickly answer back, "Because I was physically abused by a dude!"

I think I got my point across.

I'm Out!