Saturday, January 31, 2009

Playing Footsie, Fat Jessica, and the Po-lice.

-I had the pleasure of going to an in-door water park this past weekend. I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Why would you go to an in-door water park?" Let me get back to you on that one, I'm still not exactly sure. Moving on, while I was in the hot tub, this heavy-set, burly, tattooed man kept on playing footsie with me. I believe it was unintentional, but at the same time I still felt used and violated. But I guess that is the price you have to pay, when you have hot, sexy feet. In other news, my left foot now has crabs.

-After a two year hiatus, I started watching "Lost" again. I don't understand why a TV show has to be so confusing. Enough with the time change and everything. I barely know what day it is and the date in my own life. Remember the birthday party game, "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"? You would get spun around a few times, while being blind-folded. Well, that's exactly how I feel after watching each episode. One word please for the "Lost" writers, SIMPLIFY.

-I've overheard all these rumblings that Jessica Simpson has gotten fat. So I took time out of my busy schedule to see what all the hub bub was about... Okay, she looks like she might of put on 5-7 pounds. But I still wouldn't call her fat. If that's fat, then please call me for now on, Mumbo Jumbo Jonno. Fat is somebody like Rosie O'Donnell. (I apologize Rosie, for using you as an example) or that James Gandolfini Sopranos guy. That's fat. I think we've all forgotten the definition of what it means. Jessica, I know you are reading this because you are one of my biggest (Not physically big) fans... Feel free to come over to my place and I will console with my hot, sexy feet during these tough times.

-I went to go see "Taken" the other night. Good fast-paced movie and Liam Neeson gave me a heterosexual hard on. Anyways, I'm sitting there with my GF shoveling popcorn into my mouth and I noticed all these kids at the theater. I'm not talking high school kids, these are kids who looked like they were in the 3rd grade. If I was in 3rd grade, why the hell would I want to see a movie about an ex CIA Spook whose daughter gets taken away by Albanians for sex trafficking? When I was that age I was watching Alf and Ninja Turtles, while I picked my nose. (Actually, I still do that) And who are these parents accompanying them that have no idea what the movie is about? I just don't get it! Anyways, as I was saying... I'm sitting at the theater and five more kids coming running in. They looked like they were probably in the 6th grade. They run up the stairs like annoying bastards and of course they sit right behind me. Crap! So we got up and moved somewhere else. Now I've never done this before, but I saw some of the handicapped seats open. And in most of my movie viewing experiences I hardly ever see a handicapped person sit in those seats. I've seen some elderly people, but that's about it. So we sit in the "special" seats. I'm content with myself that I made the right seating decision. A few minutes later I look to the left and I see a female in a wheel chair. She looks at me and I feel like the biggest douche in the world. We get up and offer her our seats and she politely accepts them. Now the theater is pretty much full, so we have nowhere to sit. The female in the wheel chair ends sitting in a different seat. So then my GF and I move back to the original seats. I still felt bad about what had happened, but I was glad to see she had found a better option. The lights go down and the movie is about to start and in walks this large and in charge dude, who sits right next to us. Okay, not the worst thing. But then he starts eating the most foul smelling fast food I've ever experienced. It smelled like White Castle meets Lean Cuisine Dinners. So I have now come to the conclusion that I will boycott going to the movies for the rest of my life. Good God!

-This is something that has been on my mind for a while now, but I keep on forgetting to discuss it, What is the deal with the Police in Chicago? Why is it that I never see any policeman downtown? Where are they? What are they doing all day? I don't even see them drive by. I'm beginning to wonder that maybe those "Police Academy" movies weren't so far-fetched. If I was deranged enough to want to rob somebody, I would have a field day in Chicago. There is no way, you would get caught with any repercussions. The few times I do see cops is when they are going to go get food, or if they're shopping. And just recently I hear a story that totally validates my thoughts on the Chicago police. Apparently a 14-year-old boy posed as a Chicago cop and rode in a police car last Saturday, After 5 hours of patrolling and protecting our streets, they finally realized he was not a cop because he was missing a star on his uniform. Are you friggin kidding me? Who is the dumbass officer at the police station that allowed the pimply faced, voice cracking kid to go the assignment? Who is the other buffoon that rode with him in the car for 5 hours and didn't realize it was weird that he wanted to listen to the Jonas Brothers on the radio? All I'm waiting to hear next is that Rod Blagojevich has entered the Chicago Police Academy Training Program.

-Since the Super Bowl is today, I will give my two cents if anybody gives a crap. First of all, I have to say it's one of the most overrated events. All these people watch the game that have no interest in football. They watch the commercials, see the half-time show, eat lots of food, and socialize at some friend of a friend's party. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I would just like to make that observation. And usually the game itself is boring and not that all compelling. Except for last year's game, that was one of the best I've ever seen. This year's game, I predict won't be that enjoyable. You have the Steelers, who are one of the most boring teams to watch vs. Cardinals, who are one of the worse teams to ever make the Super Bowl. You have an outstanding defense (Steelers) vs. a very high octane offense (Cardinals). I would like the Cardinals to win, mainly because they are the underdogs and there's nothing really to like about the Steelers. Unfortunately a great defense will always beat a great offense. Plus, nobody talks about the Steelers offense, which isn't too shabby. Steelers 27 Cardinals 14.

I'm Out!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Drunken Nacho Whore

Any time I'm able to go to a Bulls game, it's usually a very enjoyable experience for me. I love watching the game live and also eating the food. My favorite thing to get are the nachos. There's just something about eating nachos at a live sporting event that makes the taste extra scrumptious. I don't know if it's something in the air, but I salivate when I dip that tortilla chip in the gooey, fattening, artificial cheese. I have run into a few problems with the jalapeno peppers. Problems, which I rather not disclose if you catch my drift. So I've learned to eat the peppers in moderation, because you gotta at least have some.

So I'm sitting down, inhaling a slice of pizza(the appetizer before the nachos), and watching the game with my buddy. I realized that about 5 minutes into the 1st quarter, all the seats around me were pretty much vacant. Even though I was sitting in the balcony, you still would think the first 3 rows would be occupied. But I wasn't complaining, because I've had enough idiots sit by me and ruin games in my life. So I began to wonder, maybe miracles can really happen. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy the game and more importantly my nachos in peace. Right then, in comes a friggin bus load of these yuppies. There had to be around 30 of them, a mixture of guys and girls. I had no idea where the heck they came from and why there were so many of them, but boy did they look annoying. The majority of them were carrying alcoholic beverages and seemed like they had been boozing for a while. You could tell they had absolutely no interest in the game and were just going for the social experience. Kind of like going to a Cubs game. After about 3o minutes of trying to figure out where their seats where, the yuppie train finally sat down. I turned to my buddy and just shook my head. I knew we would be in for a long night.

The yuppie train eventually settled down and I was able to somewhat enjoy the game. On my mind now, was when to get the nachos. I thought about getting them during the 2nd Quarter, it was too soon. I thought about getting them during halftime, just did not feel right. 5 minutes into the 3rd Quarter, the inner fat kid was crying and it was time to make the move. I get the nachos and sit down. They look as beautiful as ever. I look to my right and most of the yuppies were gone. I assume they all went for some more booze. Life could not be better. Out of nowhere, this drunken girl walks 10 seats down and plops right next to my buddy. He was eating his nachos periodically throughout the game. So he was near the last stage of the nacho eating. So this drunk girl sits next to my buddy and digs her hand into his nachos and starts eating them. I couldn't believe the nerve of that girl! I've been in plenty of intoxicated states before, but never have I stooped to the level of eating somebody's nachos. Fortunately for my buddy, he was almost done so it wasn't the biggest deal. The drunken moocher, takes a chip and spills cheese all over herself. I then thought to myself, who is the lucky man that is going to marry this wonderful bride? Even though it was a bit annoying, I kind of laughed it off. What did I care? My nachos weren't being abducted.

Then out of nowhere with supernatural strength, the drunken nacho whore ripped my box of nachos out of my hands. I was in shock. Here I am, just trying to enjoy the game and eat this heavenly treat and I got some idiot taking them away from me. So I kind of just lost it. I refused to be defeated by this individual. If you want to harm anything, take me before you take my nachos. So I got up out of my seat and I guess just started yelling at her. I don't remember exactly what I said because it was in the heat of the moment, but I believed I had called her a f-in retard. I apologize to my loyal readers, for my classless language, but I was infuriated. So after I've called her a retard and gotten my nachos back, this yuppie douche in the row in front of me turns around and starts yelling at me. "Don't call my friend a retard! She's my friend!" Well if she's your friend, then control her because she's out of control! So we say a few things back and forth. The drunken nacho whore calls me a f-in asshole. Because let's face it people, I am one horrible human being. I really couldn't believe I was involved in this mess. I pretty much didn't even want eat the nachos anymore. Then another one of the yuppie girls, says to me "Umm are you in the right seats?" What? Hello! We've only been sitting here for two hours you dimwit! I wondered what's next? Is somebody going to whack me in the head with a frying pan?

A minute or two later, the drunken nacho theif takes a box of nachos(not mine) and throws them over the balcony. This shows you how out of control she was. Of course security doesn't see it nor do anything about it. And I wasn't going to rat her out and have 30 of her yuppie friends ready to cut my throat. After she threw the nachos over the balcony, the yuppie douche who was yelling at me just a few moments ago, turns around and says "Sorry, you're right. She really is retarded." Well no shit, Sherlock! I appreciate your apology, but you're a little too late. I tried to go back to my nachos and it just wasn't the same. The emotion, the love, the passion, just wasn't there. To make matters worse, every so often the drunken nacho whore would stick her hand out near me and I would have to feed her a nacho. I felt like I was feeding a baby monkey. It was almost like a horror movie, where you keep on thinking the killer is dead, but they keep on coming back. It seemed like this creature had like 9 lives or something. Why couldn't of she fallen over the balcony, rather than that box of nachos?

I refuse to let this incident, alter my devotion and feelings for nachos. They are still the apple in my eye, the thing that makes my stomach drop when I see it, and more importantly the thing that completes me. Just like in any relationship, you are going to have your highs and lows. And this was definitely a low-point for my nacho relationship. But as I've learned through my wise awkward years, this will only make us stronger. And I truly believe that my next nacho experience, will be the best ever.

I'm Out!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Return of Air Douche

After a little under a three year hiatus, I made my triumphant return to the basketball court. My return wasn't necessarily horrible, but it wasn't good. I should mention that the league I joined is a co-ed league. My rational for the co-ed league, was so that I could have a better chance at competing. I'm not trying to be sexist by any means, because I'm a huge Sheryl Swoopes and Cynthia Cooper fan. But let's call a spade a spade here, there's a bit of a difference. Plus, it always fun to throw a few elbows at some butchy broads.

The game is about to start and I meet my teammates. One of my teammates, is my brother-in-law, who hasn't played basketball in 6 years. So as you can see, not a great start to the roster. The basketball jersey, was a little tight fitting on him and he looked like he was ready to burst out like "The Hulk". I was worried the jersey was going to cut off his circulation. We have four girls on our roster, but only one showed up because of the weather. The problem with that, is that league rules say you have to have two girls on the court at all times. Fortunately, the other team felt sorry for us and allowed us to play with four guys.

My plan was to come off the bench and provide instant offense like Steve Kerr, but since "The Hulk" (Brother-In-Law) wasn't budging, I had to start. Right away, I could tell our opposing team was going to be a tough match-up. They appeared to all know each other and took the shoot-around very seriously. My shoot-around didn't go very well. I think I hit like 1 out of the 20 shots I took. My talent in basketball, is shooting... I really don't offer that much else, besides maybe a decent basketball IQ. I knew it was going to be difficult to get back in a shooting rhythm after being away for a few years. So it didn't seem like I had prayer of hitting a shot in the game.

The ball gets tipped off and as "The Joker" says... "And here we go!" My defense is usually horrible. The main problem is that I'm not quick enough to guard a lot of people. So I usually try to guard, smaller/ slower people. The problem with that strategy, is usually the smaller they are, the faster they are. Unless, you are guarding Danny Devito. Right off the bat, the opposing team takes off and whips our ass. I think they got to like a 20 point lead, before we even scored. They were a talented squad, who unfortunately enjoyed to run. Which did not bode well for my stamina five minutes into the game.

I don't know what it is about basketball, but it's a hell of a work-out for your body. I don't run a lot, but I do about 2 1/2 miles 4-5 times a week. So you would think, I could handle a basketball game, but that was unfortunately not the case. At the ten minute mark, I was sweating so much, you would of thought my hair was flooding like Katrina. So at that point I figured to grab some bench. We ended up getting demolished by the other team. And the girls on the their team, we're awfully feisty. Man, here I thought I was going to be schooling them and they were knocking me around like a punching bag. You would think being 6'3/200 pounds, I would be able to use my size to my advantage. But instead I stand on the perimeter and use my size like Mugsy Bouges. And I even got blocked by some 5'7 Indian kid. Too bad they didn't get that on Sportscenter.

In the 2nd half of the game, I actually shot decently well. I hit a few jumpers, including a three pointer and ended up with 9 points. Definitely not outstanding, but I'll take it for being out of the game so long. By the end of the game, I was wiped out and couldn't even make a coherent sentence. But then again, I always have trouble making coherent sentences. Three days later, today, my legs are still aching. And in other news, "The Hulk" is still wearing the same jersey because he can't get it off. We shall see what happens next week. Maybe I can get blocked by a 4-foot Dutch midget?

I'm Out!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Curious Case of Bacon, Zoos, and Islam

-The Bulls are breaking my heart. I've tried to support and be behind them, but they keep on letting me down. I know they're young and have had bad luck with injuries, but that's still no excuse for the way they've been playing. John Paxson (General Manager), I know you are reading this... Save this ship from sinking as soon as possible because there's no Leo or Celine Dion music to help you out.

-Because the Bulls have let me down, I've turned to somebody else for love and affection. And that somebody else is Bacon. Is there a better food out there than Bacon? If there is, please feel free to write back and let me know. I mean not only is the taste, mouth watering, but it goes great with anything. You can put it on sandwiches, salads, potatoes, pastas, pizza, soups, etc... I'll stop myself before I go into a Bubba Gump rant. But be on the look-out for a "Save the Date" in your mailboxes. I will be popping the question any day now to my Baconetta.

-Is it just me or are zoos overrated? I understand the appeal, it's free and fun to look at different animals, but it has way too many negatives. First of all, the whole darn place smells like feces. They're are way too many people, most of them extremely annoying. And then when you do get to actually see the animals, they're always passed out sleeping. I might as well stay at home, take a nap, and crap my pants. It would be the same experience without the annoying people.

-I recently had the pleasure of seeing "The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button". The real title should of been "The Curious Case Of Why Is This Movie So Long? It's not a bad film by any means, but not even close to the epic "Forrest Gump". (The same writer wrote both films.) My main question is, how was Brad Pitt able to still look hot as an 80-year-old toddler? Nobody else could've pulled that off.

-Sometimes I think I have a handle on my intelligence, but on this past New Year's Eve, I realized I'm really not the sharpest tool in the shed. We were playing Trivial Pursuit with another couple... (Yes I know crazy, wild night!) And I can't remember the exact question, but it was something along the lines of "What eastern religion is the main religion of Djibouti?" I was leaning towards Muslim or Buddhism and I think we went with Buddhism. The answer ended up being Islam. And my response was, "I thought Islam was a country". Which was then followed by blank stares and awkward silence. What people? I only have so much available space in this noggin. You can't hand rugged good looks and intelligence.

-I've recently joined a co-ed basketball league with my brother-in-law. Yes, I did just say co-ed. I've learned it always good to take baby steps in life. I haven't played full-court basketball in the last three years. Which is when I had my 31-point outburst. (You can read all about it in the "Air Douche" blog entry). The first game back might get a little ugly, given the amount of running involved. So if you never hear from me again, it was nice knowing all of you and I hope I've been able to somewhat entertain you in an awkward way.

I'm Out!