Monday, December 17, 2012

Harold, Kumar and Jonno go to Subway

It was a Friday afternoon at 2:30pm and I was starving. I had barely eaten breakfast and was too busy with appointments/errands to have eaten lunch. I was determined to get Subway because the previous night I saw a Subway commercial about celebrating customer appreciation month. During this special month, Subway was offering their 6-inch meatball and a cold cut combo subs for $2 a piece. Even though I have no idea if they use actual meatballs or what a cold cut combo is, a $4 meal was too good to pass up for a cheap fat kid such as myself.

Because I live in LA I drove around for a good 15-20 minutes tying to find a parking spot. I finally found a spot that was a bit of a hike from Subway, but I was too hungry to care. As I waddled over to Subway, I could see the glorious sign with the mustard yellow colors. (Hmm… Mustard…) Right as I approach the door, I hear somebody yell out to me “Are you Jewish?”

I turned around to see two young Jewish Orthodox men in their early 20s. Now this question is bit of a tough dilemma here. I mean, yes I am Jewish and more than willing to admit it as long as I’m not surrounded by Mel Gibson and the Aryan Nation.

At the same time, I knew if I answered "yes" there was going to be follow-up questions that would lead to prolonging my Subway consumption. A part of me wanted to say no, but then of course the Jewish guilt kicked in and all I could think was the bad karma that comes from denying your own religion. As most of you know from reading this blog, I already have enough bad luck as it is and can’t really handle anymore.

I then reply “yes” to the young Jewish Orthodox male. He asks, "Have you ever done Tefillin before?” What the heck is going on here? Are we playing a game of 20 Questions: Jewish annoying edition?

Jewish lesson of the day: Tefillin are a set of small black leather boxes containing scrolls of parchment inscribed with verses from the Torah and are worn by observant Jews during weekday morning prayers. (Source: Wikipedia because I also have no idea what it is.)  

I answer truthfully and tell them “no”, but before I can even explain to them I’m in a bit of rush and desperately hungry… The two young Orthodox men practically tackle me, place a yarmulke on my head and wrap this leather strap on my arm. They then have me repeat a Jewish prayer as all of this is going on. 

Let me remind you this is taking place on Beverly Dr., one of the busiest streets in Beverly Hills. So I am getting several stares and odd looks from people. I’m not exactly sure why the two Orthodox young men couldn’t have found a more secluded place like where most rapes and muggings occur.

They then place the Tefillin on my head (small leather box) and have me recite another prayer. At this point, I’m ready scream and convert to becoming a Muslim. I mean how much longer was this going to take? Subway was calling my name and it was customer appreciation month! And it was about God damn time I got appreciated! 

Finally the Tefillin prayer comes to an end and the Orthodox young men were filled with joy to share this religious experience with me. I also could not be happier because I finally have a chance to sink my teeth into a meatball sub. Not so fast… The Orthodox young men wanted to take a picture with me. At this point, I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher or some lame ass celebrity to tell me I’ve been “Punked.”  

The two of us will be naked and just wearing Tefillin on the cover of next month's issue of "PlayJew"

I must say I was extremely moved from my first Tefillin experience and felt closer to God. Unfortunately, I was not moved enough because 30 seconds later I inhaled a meatball and cold cut combo sub which are both non-kosher according to Jewish dietary rules. Sorry God, but food comes first. 

Speaking of more delicious non-kosher food, how about a 6-piece McNugget?

1. Whoever created the scrumptious Trader Joes guacamole made out of Greek yogurt (50% less fat) deserves to be put on Jonno’s Mount Rushmore with Jim Henson, the first pair of large breasts and Dave Grohl. 

2. To the person that stole my North Face jacket at the bowling alley, I hope you enjoy the 10 years of very little career success and lack of women I had from wearing it.

3. When the highlight of your week is watching "The Real Word Challenge", you might have taken some wrong turns in your life.  

4. Somehow the movie “Face-Off” was the best movie when I was 16 years old, but has now turned into the worst movie at 31 years old.

If they ever made a sequel, "Toupee/Off" would be an appropriate title.
 5. My top three distractions to writing…
  •  Facebook/Twitter
  •  Masturbation
  •  Guilt of masturbation

6. Remember this day in history because it is this many days after 12/12/12. I seriously think all of us need to get a life. Including me.