Monday, August 06, 2012


I'm not an overly religious or spiritual man, but it states in the Bible eight different times to love our neighbors. As much as I try to obey God's request, the issue is that neighbors are just too darn annoying and irritating to love.

Come and follow me, as I take you on a journey of getting to know two of Jonno's lovely neighbors.

Max: late 40s/early 50s, Persian, male, unemployed and lives with his friendly wife. Max is an extremely nice and sweet human being, but unfortunately he is always around. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, if I’m leaving or returning. Max is always there, smoking a cigarette. He has the tendency to ask the most random questions and requests. Here are some of Max’s greatest hits:

·       One day Max told me I have a beautiful voice. I looked at him perplexed because I had no idea what he was talking about. He then pointed to my shower window and explained he enjoyed listening to me sing. Maybe my dream of being a member of the boy band One Direction isn't so far fetched after all?  

·        Staying on the shower subject, I was listening to music as I showered the other day. I could sense something around me, and as I turned around I saw Max staring at me through my shower window. After he took in a few seconds of me naked, he requested that I turn down the music.

Can you blame Max?
·      Max wondered why he wasn’t seeing me bring girls back to my place. He explained that I need to be taking more advantage while I’m younger and in my sexual peak.  

·        While I’m in the kitchen cooking food or washing dishes, Max enjoys talking to me through my window. Not only is it annoying, but it feels like I’m talking to somebody in a jail cell.

·       I forgot what holiday it was, but Max gave me a kiss on the cheek. Despite it feeling hairy and wet, I could tell he is a good kisser.

·      One night I heard a baby crying next to my parking spot. It was dark out and I didn’t know where it was coming from. I thought the one man who is always home and never leaves could help me in this desperate situation. I knocked on Max's door and of course he was nowhere to be seen. 

Loud Hipster: early 20s, short, scrawny, thinks he is way too cool for school and lives above me. Before the loud hipster was this quiet and considerate girl who's last name was "Alf." (Probably the best last name known to mankind) When the loud hipster move in, I could sense he reeked of somebody who would be trouble. The thing I don't understand is that the kid probably weighs 160-170 pounds, but sounds like Bigfoot when he walks around in his apartment above me.

Is it just me or did anybody else find "Harry and the Hendersons" frightening as a child?

Every time the loud hipster is ready to leave, it sounds like there is an earthquake about to erupt. And for some reason he can’t just go downstairs slow and quietly, he races down the steps like his feet are on fire. In addition he always seems to return home late at night, so little poor baby Jonno gets woken up from his beauty sleep.

The worst incident came on a Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am. Of course it had to happen a night when I had to wake up at 7am for the first day of filming of my hilarious web series “Howard Gets an Interview." (Shameless plug). I was sound asleep and suddenly woken up by a thunderous “boom." I didn’t know what the heck it was and then the “boom” happened again. This time the sound was so loud it shook the walls of my apartment. After putting two and two together, I realized the loud hipster had locked himself out after a night of drinking. Instead of crashing at a friend’s place, the rocket scientist had the bright idea to try and kick his door in.

I could hear him grunting each time he wound up for another blow to his door. I thought about saying something, but realized I wouldn’t get anywhere with an obliterated individual. I then heard him crying and shouting “I just wanna go home!” I was unfortunately too tired and pissed off to enjoy the comedy. Finally he gave up and ran down the stairs. Right as I thanked God that the drunken loud hipster storm had passed over, he gets a second wind and runs back up the stairs. After another 10 minutes of booming kicks the loud hipster stopped for good and went somewhere else to cry like a baby.

The incident could have been a lot worse, if it wasn't for my neighbor Max spooning me in bed and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I don't know what is, but he just makes me feel safe.