Thursday, December 23, 2004

Meet the Retards

So Tuesday I was fortunate to see a private screening of "Meet the Fockers." Let me start out by saying I was huge fan of "Meet the Parents." I think the movie was a classic and one of Ben Stiller's best work. And yes even better than "Envy." (That was an awful movie that came out last year, starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black.) So I was looking forward to the sequel. The cast seemed intriguing with Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand playing Stiller's parents. At the same time, I was a bit weary because history has shown sequels do not live up to the originals. And from the few previews I saw on TV, I could tell it was going to be a bit corny. Was I right? (Uhhhh Yeah!)

The main premise of the movie is Ben Stiller and his wife(who the hell knows her real name?) travel in a highly technological enhanced winnebago with her parents (Robert Deniro and who the hell knows her real name?) to meet the Fockers at their Florida estate. Oh and I forgot about another new member of the cast. Robert Deniro's is babysitting his grandson for his other daughter. And let me tell ya this darn baby steals this movie. Well, at least that is what the writer's of the movie were hoping. I swear 80% of the jokes of this film, were centered around this darn baby. Who probably only made me grin once. Isn't it hillarious to see Robert Deniro have a fake plastic boob on his chest, so he can breast feed the baby? (I didn't think so either.) I mean, if I need to see a movie with a damn baby supplying all the jokes I'll go rent the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy.

All the same jokes from "Meet the Parents" are pretty much re-done in "Meet the Retards." Which makes most of the jokes very predictable. When we finally meet the Fockers they are portrayed as these sexually extroverted hippies. Dustin Hoffman is a retired lawyer, who practices some type of karate. And Barbara Streisand is a sexual therapist for older couples. (Uh oh, I think I see a storyline here.) Because Streisand is such an expert with her sexuality, is she going to try and help Robert Deniro and his wife with their sex life. (Oh yeah, this did happen in the movie.) You see, now I am confused here. How can the supposedly tightly wound-up, nervous, shy Ben Stiller have such free-sprited, crazy and cool parents? Wouldn't you think his parents would be the total opposite, from seeing his character in "Meet the Parents." If there this laid back and wacky, wouldn't Stiller have these same qualities?

Just as in the first movie where Deniro hooked Stiller up to the lie detector, there is a similar scene in this film. After finding out that Stiller lost his virginity to his Hispanic housekeeper 15 years ago, Deniro suspects they had a child together. Because the housekeeper's son looks exactly like Stiller. (Oooooh, this sounds exciting?) So Deniro injects Stiller with a needle that will force him to tell the truth. At this point I thought to myself, why don't they bring Maury Povich out here to find the real father of this child?

So as you can see. I was not a fan of "Meet the Retards." I found it to be extremely boring, cheezey, and corny. Just be happy that you saw the first one and enjoyed it. But if you are ever in the mood to see a movie that has bad sex jokes, a not funny over-used baby, and a Maury Povich paternity test, then maybe you will enjoy this. I'm out!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Schmuko's Big Debut

Alright here, I guess its time to blog it up! Hold on! Because here I go!

Yesterday was my big show debut for Second City. Currenty, I'm in the 3rd level of classes. The last week of the show you get to perform a 17-minute show on the mainstage. Let me just say it was an honor to perform on the same stage where some of the best comedians in history have performed. That was cool! None of the stuff we performed were planned or written sketches. They were all improv games. Kind of like the stuff you see on the tv show "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" So the first game we did is called "freeze tag." This is where two people start off a scene and the rest of the class stands in a line behind them The two people perform a short scene and then somebody from the back-line yells "freeze." The person that yelled "freeze" taps one of the people out in the scene and takes their place in a new scene Then eventually somebody else from the backline will yell "freeze" and enter the scene. Hopefully I explained this accuarately enough, but knowing me I probably did not.

During "freeze tag" it was time for "schumko" (me!) to enter the scene. Usually you just do two scenes and then you go back into the line. But for some reason I was left out there for about three scenes. And let me tell ya, I performed like total crap for this game. I could not think of anything funny to say. I probably would of been funnier, just standing there not saying anything. In each scene I had a fresh new start. And do you want to know what I did with that fresh new start? I took it straight to the shitter. The best example: Was this one scene, where one of my classmates opened the scene with "Hey, you're wearing my shirt." Now this is a perfectly good line to open up a scene. There are many different avenues you can go with this line. For some odd reason I decided to reply "Well you know this shirt looks great on my breasts and ass." What in the f*** was I thinking? What the hell does that mean? And how is that funny? And why would I say the shirt looks good on my ass? The last time I did a scientific study, you wear pants on your ass, not shirts. So as you read this I'm sure you are thinking to yourself, "Wow this guy has a great comedy career ahead of him."

I was able to somewhat redeem myself during the "gibberish panel of experts game." This game is where you have three experts of a certain subject, and they speak gibberish. You have an english interpreter who stands behind each gibberish expert that explains word-for-word what the gibberish means. The audience asks questions to to the panel of gibberish of experts. For this game we were experets in child development. Fortunately, the game went a little better than "freeze tag." I have a unique sound to my gibberish. It's like a cross between a rabbi and the character "Borat" from the Ali G show. I have no idea where that came from. My buddy Mike did a very nice job of interpeting the gibberish in English. And Mike, that's probably how you got the groupie to come up to you after the show. (Inside joke there.)

So I guess folks, the lesson here is: If you are not funny, than do not perform on stage at Second City. And also, it's not funny to say your t-shirt looks good on your ass.

I'm Out!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Working Overtime

Sorry, to all my devoted fans who have been waiting for another blog. But this week, is "hell week" at my office. I've been working every night till 11 or midnight. And this will continue until the end of the week. Don't worry, I still have plently of awkward tales to share. And Mike no need to sweat, the Springer Blog will be on its way. Damn I'm tired!

Friday, December 10, 2004

The Middle Finger

Yesterday, we had this annual huge broadcasting party at the Hilton in Chicago. The party is called the BAC. (Broadcasting Advertising Club) Its basically a night where everybody that works in the Chicago media industry gets obliterated. Overall, it was a decent time. It probably would of been better if I would of known more people there. Because all I really did was stand there like a jackass. But then again, I do that wherever I go. I was hanging around with two of my co-workers Johnny and Andrea. They both have been in this business for a while, so they had tons of people coming up to them. While, I just smiled and nodded my head like a friggin bobble-head doll. I learned from Andrea, that a big part of the BAC party is to try and accumulate as many tickets as possible. Each ticket is worth one alcoholic beverage of your choice from the bar. The way you get these tickets is by talking it up with these TV and radio sales reps. And usually by the end of the conversation the sales rep will hand you a ticket, or you just ask for one. The party started at 3:00 p.m. and lasted a little over three hours.

Next, it was time for the after parties. Comcast was throwing an after party at the Capitol Grille. On the way there in the cab, we were going North on Michigan Ave. and we drove passed the NBC Tower building. Whenever I pass by this building, I automatically register horrible memories from experience working at the Jerry Springer. (The Jerry Springer experience is for another blog) So as we were at a stop light in front of the NBC building. My intelligent self decided to stick my middle finger up and curse at the building. As I'm doing this, my friend Johnny begins to laugh. At first I thought he was laughing at me, but then I realized what I was doing was not that funny. So I asked him what is so funny? He's like when you were giving the finger to the NBC building, there was some guy standing outside in front and he thought you were giving the finger to him. I thought to myself, I truly am an idiot. But hey, I guess I was fortunate to not get my ass beat.

While, I was in the cab ride I also found out from Johnny that he got a call from "Fear Factor" during the party. They want him to be on a special edition episode of the show where they team up normal contestants with a celebrity. All I can say is that if this does happen, it will be the best hour of televison history. You will not find any better entertainment than Johnny and David Hasselhoff jumping together in a pile of elephant manure. Can't wait!

Anyways, we headed over to Capitol Grille for some drinks and food. I did my usual bobble-head act and talked with some people. The food was pretty good. They had some very scrumptious lamp chops and mini crab cakes. (Jon stop drooling!) After being there for a few more hours we headed over to Stanleys. Stanleys was packed to the max. It was barely walkable to get through that place. I usually don't mind over-crowded bars if I'm pretty hammered. But since I was not that drunk, it was a bit too much and after a hour I called it a night. That's all I got. I'm out!

Sunday, December 05, 2004

The Honk

What up yo? For a change, I'm actually writing this blog at my apartment instead of at work. Maybe I can be more productive at work? Uhh . . . Probably not.

Yeah so get this. On Friday, I was driving home from work. Traffic was horribe, I was tired, and I really had to urinate. Understandably, I was not the most patient person in the world. I'm finally near my place and its a green-light, getting ready to make a right turn. But the walk signal is on, so people are crossing the street. A batch of 6-8 people cross the street, walking fairly quickly. About ten feet behind, is a middle-aged man maybe in his late fifties walking extremely slow. And when I say extremely slow, I mean the slowest I have ever seen somebody walk in my lifetime. It almost seemed like he was walking backwards. And it was not a slow walk, like I am deathly ill and I cannot walk any faster. If that was a case, I would of totally understood. It appeared this man was in some type of daze and had no idea that there were cars waiting to make a turn. So, because this man looked harmless, non-threatening, and I really had to pee. I decided to use my horn and give a little honk. Nothing too rude, just a little wake-up call. You know "Hey buddy, lets pick up the pace here." So this mysterious man stops walking, turns around, walks up my to my car with this wide-eye, scarey mean look. He screams on the top of his lungs, "ARE YOU HONKINGAT ME." I was in such shock, I did not know what to do. To defend my manlihood, I think I gave one of the of those hand movements without making eye contact "like get the the hell out of here." In reality I was pissing my pants and thought any moment this crazy lunatic could break my car window and snap my head off. I mean if you saw this man walking down the street, you would not think he was threatening in any way. But man, did he scare the shit out of me with the screaming and the look in his eyes. Because I live right down the street, where the honk incident occured. I figured for sure this mysterious man had to of seen me pull in to my building. When I parked my car and got out . . . Let's just say I made a quick dash into my building. So folks, I guess the lesson here is to be weary of you honk at. And mysterious/frightening man, I would like to apologize for honking at you. But damn, you walk slow!

Nice win for the Bears Today. Chad Hutchinson got his first start of the year and threw for 3 TD's/over 200 yards. My question is to Bears coaches: Why wasn't this guy signed before the season to back up Grossman, instead of Jonathan Quinn Medicine woman? Just something I was wondering.

On TBS late Saturday morning "Sleepless in Seattle" was on. Previously, I've only seen parts of the movie, but after watching it the whole way through. Not bad at all. A very well acted movie, with a good story. But chances are, if this happend in real life. The person that sent the letter to Tom Hanks, would not look like Meg Ryan. She would probably look more like Kathy Bates.

To all you tuna lovers out there. When I waddled to the grocery store last weekened. I bought six cans of star fish tuna for 79 cents each. I made sure the tuna was in water, and not in oil. Becuase I already made that mistake before. But evidently, the tuna I got was tuna light in water. Instead of getting the normal white tuna in water. And let me tell ya, the light tuna is pretty darn gross. So if you know anybody that wants five cans of star fish light tuna in water let me know. Because I give up.

Alright, I got to get ready for a big week of work. But before I go I would like to give a shout-out to my main-man Johnny and wish him a happy birthday. Your Hooters lunch, is coming bro. I'm out!

Friday, December 03, 2004

Food is fun

Sorry to all my fans, who have been waiting desperately for my blog. It's been a combination of trying to catch up at work and not really having anything to talk about. Because I don't know what to start my post with, let's talk about the good food I ate this week.

On Wednesday, PAX/NBC brought a huge spread of Maggiano's for lunch. Some of the perks of working in the media industry. I had some phenomenal calamari, chopped salad, and chicken parmesean. I strongly believe that there is no better chopped salad than Maggiano's. Feel free to tell me if you can think of a better chopped salad????????? Yeah exactly, thats what I thought. You got nothing.

Yesterday Mel Karamazin's son Craig took Johnny and I out to lunch. Craig owns ESPN radio in Milwaukee and he has his own show there. For anybody who doesn't know Mel Karmazin, I'll fill you in. Mel was the president of radio for Viacom for many years, and now he is the Presdient of Sirius Radio. He has been Howard Stern's boss for over 20 years, and remains a close friend of Howard's. For anybody who doesn't know I a die-hard fan of Howard Stern. I've listen to him since I was a freshman of High School. Put all the raunchiness, sex, and strippers aside I just think Howard Stern is one of the most comedically talented people in entertainment history. There are not many people that can consistently make me laugh every single morning. That is not an easy task. So anyways, now that I know Craig Karmazin I feel there is a possibilty that I could one day meet the one and only Howard Stern. It won't be easy, but with the help of my friend Johnny and his magical talents I think it will happen.

My quick thought on the Barry Bonds/Jason Giambi steriods fiasco. Yes I know its not good for baseball and the sports industry that players are using illegal drug enhancements. Yes I know that will have an affect in the homerun record books. But come on people, are you that shocked that these players have admitted to taking Steroids? Have you seen the size of these people? Do you realize there are probably hundreds of other players in baseball and other sports probably taking some illegal substances? Listen, it is there job to be the best and most productive athletes in sports. Which makes them do whatever they have to do achieve that goal. Which, is why I am not totally shock nor want to chop the heads off of Bonds/Giambi for taking steroids. So media, can please settle down with this overwhelming coverage of this story. There are worse things going on in the world.

Not sure what is going on this weekend for me. We will play it by ear. I do know that on Saturday, I'm collaborating with some of my comedy writing/improv classmates. There are rumblings of possibly of starting a cable access show. Where we would be able to write and perform some of our sketch comedy. If this does happen it would be a great experience. Will see!

Alright, that's all for now. Got to get back to work here. H.A.K.A.S.! (For you non-cool people out there, this means "Have A Kick Ass Summer.") People would write that when they signed my Junior High yearbooks. Thinking back now, that is really stupid people actually thought that was cool.

I'm out!