Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Scream Heard Around the World

This past weekend, my significant other's family came into town. This probably is my third or fourth time meeting them, so I'm still not 100 percent at the comfortable stage yet. Nonetheless, her parents are very nice people. Throughout my history, I've always had trouble with the fathers of the girls I've dated. I have always felt this heavy awkward spirit whenever I'm in their presence. With the moms, I'm good. I'm golden. With the dads, I can't even make a coherent sentence. Although, I do have trouble making coherent sentences in my everyday life. Maybe I should look into that? I've wondered where does this awkward tension come from? Is it because I feel guilty that I have seen their daughter naked and have done filthy things to them? Filthy things with consent I may add. Sorry to make you nauseous, but this is something that I can't seem to figure out.

Anyways on a Saturday we all go out for dinner. My girlfriend (we'll call her GF), her bro, parents, aunt, uncle, grandma, sister, nephew, brother-in-law, etc... You get the point. The whole gang is there. We went to a place called Quartinos. ( It's like this Italian tapas place where everybody shares each others entree. My fat kid self and I usually like any place that we waddle over to. But for some reason I received the worst service and I refuse to ever go back there. And I'm not some restaurant snob, I usually like anywhere I go. To make a long story short, they never gave my entree (pizza) that I ordered. We had a waiter and waitress for our table. After everybody got their meals, I mentioned to the waitress that I never got my entree. She told me she would go check and she never came back to give me an explanation. I saw our waiter, asked him what the deal is? and he told me it would be the next pizza out. 15 minutes later it never came. It wasn't the biggest deal since I had already ate enough that night and plus from my over-eating for the last 27 years I can probably starve myself for the next 10 years and be okay. But this was more about the principle people. I don't mean to brag, but I've worked in customer service before. And I would never, ever neglect a customer like that. I mean if they were smelly or psychotic maybe I would. And I am neither of those two. Okay, I'm trying to take care of the smelly part.

Overall, the bad service made for a bit of a stressful night. It kind of put a damper on the conversation flow and other dining aspects that we take for granted. Finally the waitress comes back out, after everybody is done eating, and apologizes for the mishap. She asks me if I would like to have the pizza now or get it to go. Because everyone was pretty much done I didn't know what to do. But I knew people at the table were waiting to try some of my pizza. So I was conflicted on what to do. My GF was sitting to my right, so I politely tapped on her shoulder to consult with her. I got no answer from her because she was engaged in a conversation with her aunt. I tapped her again on the shoulder and still nada. No answer. In hindsight, I should of been more decisive and answered the question on my own. But to me this quandary that I was in, was like Sophie's Choice and I had no answer. With the waitress still waiting for my answer and the urgency, I then slightly grabbed my GF's arm to get her attention. Out of nowhere she belts out a massive, loud, SCREAM that the whole city of Chicago felt. She turns to me and says "Owww, that really hurt!" I am now frozen and do not know how to respond. The whole family is staring at me, including her father like I have just physically abused her. I do not know if you've ever seen me before but in most cases 9/10 times a girl would beat me up in a fight. I might fare better in the W66-90 demographic. Plus, I have the most feminine, softest hands that feel like feathery pillow. And I cry when somebody pinches me. In conclusion, I am not that strong. But for some reason my GF decided to yelp and called for 911 when I grabbed her arm to get her attention. Later, she apologized for her outburst and said I just caught her by surprise. Unfortunately her apology did not change the scowl on her father's face, as he looked at me with extreme rage. Which I don't blame him for. I would do the same thing if some dufus dildo did that to my daughter. Let's just say the awkward conversations between him and I will unfortunately have to continue.

I'm Out!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Can you say "Menage a trois"?

-Apparently "America's Next Top Model" has a post-op transvestite as one of their contestants. I now have 801 reasons to not watch this show.

-Can you say karma as the reason for Tom Brady's injury? I think Bridget Moynahan strategically placed a banana peel on the field.

-The Bears defense impressed the heck out of me last week. And I hate to brag, but I kind of predicted a win to my close confidants. Who am I kidding? I really don't have any close confidants, but do demented homeless people count?

-David Duchovny is seeking to get help for his sexual addiction problem. It's horrible what the side effects of chasing aliens can do to you. I recently heard that Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen are competing to replace him in the next X-Files movie.

-Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy watching "The View." I get a kick out of that Joy Behar. But good God, can somebody please hit that Survivor Hasselback with a frying pan?

-I actually thought about this recently. And I was trying to figure out how much money it would take for me to go see "Disaster Movie." I came to the consensus that a grand would do it.

-I will use the "Disaster Movie" money to start the "Hit Survivor Hasselback with a Frying Pan" fund.

-I recently saw Chris Brown and Rihanna when I walked out of a movie theater the other day. Can you say "Menage a trois"? Actually I did say that and now have a restraining order against me and a black eye.

-Why is it that every picture of the Jonas Brothers, the youngest one, Nick, poses like Zoolander. I find it very annoying. In other news, I'm not gonna lie, the middle Jonas is not a bad looking kid. Can you say "Menage a trois plus one? "

I'm Out!