Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Jonno says "I Do"

Recently the unthinkable happened…A lovely, vivacious and wonderful woman agreed to marry me without bribery, drugs, or physical force. (Wait a second, does a taser gun count as physical force? I think it's debatable.) Even though the wedding was one of the best moments of my life, there were of course some uncomfortable Jonno moments to share with you. 


6am: On my Southwest flight to Nashville, sitting a few rows behind me was the one and only Al Gore. I walk up to him and say, “Is it our rugged good looks or global warming because it’s getting hot on this plane!” Understandably, I didn’t get a response from him.

Noon: After we land in Nashville, Al Gore runs away from me and I find out the delightful news that my connecting flight to Cleveland has been cancelled because of a mechanical issue. I’m now stuck at the Nashville airport for 8 hours until the next flight to Cleveland. So what do I do to kill time? Throw a hissy fit on the phone to my poor fiancée, eat crap at the airport, bother friends and call them, eat more crap at the airport, speak to a Time Warner representative for over two hours and stare at travelers. I finally arrive in Cleveland at 11pm.


10am: The lady and I have numerous errands… I decide to wait in the car, while she returns an item at Macys. We had just picked up my fancy white gold wedding ring from the jeweler and I begin to play with it. Being the coordinated gent that I am, I drop the ring and it falls in between my seat and the middle console. Can someone explain to me why is there that space in between the seat and the middle console? Does it serve a purpose other than to break your hand as you try to retrieve your keys, phone or money? As I struggle to get the ring, I quickly see my life flash before my eyes and having to explain why I lost the ring . After ten minutes of frantically searching, I somehow find the ring. The fiancée returns to the car to see me drenched in sweat and disheveled. I tried to blame it on global warming, but Al Gore wasn’t around to back me up. (Get it? That’s what we call in the business a callback joke.)  

For the love of God, just leave me alone.

7pm: My family and friends attend a scrumptious rehearsal dinner hosted by my parents. Twenty minutes into the dinner, I try to pour my lady some red wine and I spill it all over my khaki pants. For the duration of the dinner, I have to explain to everyone why there is a big wet spot on my pants.

Saturday  (Wedding Day)

9am: Because my soon to be wife is crazy when it comes to races, she drags me into the doing a 5K race the morning of the wedding. After the race, a local news station wants to interview us. Because I'm grumpy for having to wake up early, I decline the interview and for the rest of the wedding all I hear is "How could you pass up a TV interview?"
5pm: I’m putting on my tux and having some issues with the bow tie and cufflinks. The only person available to ask for help is my future father-in-law since he was giving me a ride to the wedding. He is gracious enough to assist me and we have a lovely private and intimate moment together. I also have a feeling he's concerned that the man who is supposed to take care of his daughter for the rest of her life can't put on clothes by himself. 

7:30pm: The weather for the ceremony is absolutely gorgeous and I’m about to walk down the aisle with my parents. Walking right before me is the ring bearer. (Fiancee’s 6-year-old nephew) For some unexplained reason, he delivers the ring and decides to walk back and blocks us from walking down the aisle. Under my breath and grinding my teeth, I yell for him to sit down. Instead of sitting in his seat, he plops down right in the middle of the aisle. Lovely.

8pm: The ceremony wraps up and it’s time for me to perform the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass. I’m concerned that I’ll stupidly miss the glass, it won’t break, or that I’ll pull a Larry David and step on the cantor’s hand. God and the Jewish Jesus must have been watching over me because I break the glass (light bulb) in one swoop.   

9pm: During the reception we dance to “The Hora” where my wife and I get lifted up on chairs. For some reason I get lifted up for a few moments early, while my wife doesn’t. Finally she gets lifted up, but the guys that were picking me up are too tired to raise me again. If you’re ever looking to be humbled, then I highly suggest experiencing several men struggling to lift you up in front of 150 people.    

This must be like how every fat kid feels like on a seesaw.

Midnight: After the band finishes, we surprise our guests with some karaoke. I do a horrible rendition of the Foo Fighters "Best of You" that causes complete silence, blank stares and one of my wife's friends to fall asleep. In other words, a typical day for me.     


Noon: After a spectacular wedding weekend we say goodbye to everyone at brunch. Before we leave for our honeymoon, we get some words of advice from my mother-in-law. (With a concerned look on her face) “Please be safe. You always hear about those honeymoon murder stories on "Dateline.”  And I don't want you to be one of them."

My mother-in-law is an extremely sweet and intelligent woman, but I don't see a future career for her in motivational speaking. 
Excuse me, do you know what time it is?  I do know because it's McNugget time!  

1. After seeing how easy it was to make the locals in St. Lucia laugh during my honeymoon... I'm looking to create a comedy career in St. Lucia, similar to David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany.    

2. My favorite part of jogging is having the opportunity to knock over small children and the elderly.

3. The only torpedoes I cared about in Star Trek into Darkness, were the ones possessed by Alice Eve. Am I right?

4. I recently heard they are going to remake the movie "Weird Science", but unfortunately I have a bad feeling about it. 

It might work better as a horror film.

5. What a fabulous career for Brian Urlacher.  Now he has time to focus on his other career... Getting women pregnant.
6. I would be a happy man if my penis and testicles decided to swap sizes.