Sunday, December 08, 2013

Happy Fatsgiving

There is truly no better holiday than Thanksgiving. Sure it’s nice to spend time with family and appreciate what’s really important in life, but let’s be honest with ourselves… The real enjoyment is gorging our brains out with obscene amounts of food to the point where we can hardly move. 

If you have a moment, please come waddle with me down double chin memory lane, as I tell you about some of my Thanksgiving eating highlights. 


The lady and I are at LAX getting ready for our 6:30 am flight to Chicago. Even though McDonalds would be the most affordable breakfast, we both decide on something healthier. We end up at the biggest rip-off in the history of airport eateries… A.K.A. La Brea Bakery. I order this pre-made, Ham sandwich with stale bread, the wife gets a boring Turkey sandwich and we split a puny little fruit cup… All for the lovely price of $30!!!!!!! All I know is that my grandparents were rolling in their graves during this transaction.    

Two hours later, I’m on the plane and there are some serious gas issues with my fellow passengers. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I'm guilty of some anal acoustics, but I was on good behavior. Fortunately, the toxic stench does not derail me from stuffing my face with shortbread cookies and pretzels. And if I may say, complimentary of Southwest. Take that La Brea Bakery! 
We arrive in Chicago and my P’s take us to Cheesecake Factory. I must say I'm a fan of the Cheesecake Factory, but their menu is a bit overwhelming for a indecisive Fat Kid such as myself. I mean do we really need that many options?

The Menu at Cheesecake Factory
Instead of ordering are own meals, the four of us split 3 appetizers(burger sliders, Chicken Thai Lettuce Wraps and their scrumptious Chicken Nachos.) The meal takes a turn for the worse, when our young waitress finds out we live in LA and decides to tell all about her upcoming move to LALA Land to pursue acting. Not only was she not interesting, but speckles of spit were flying over my nachos as she was talking. Maybe God was trying to tell me… “Jonno settle down. There is still plenty more to come.” And boy was he right because later that night I made passionate love to an Aurellio’s pizza while my family watched on with disgust.      


A bit of a lighter eating day, until we meet up with the in-laws for dinner in the city. My in-laws knew the manager of the restaurant so he treats us to a bunch of appetizers: Cheese Fondue, a Scotch Egg (hard boiled egg wrapped in bread) and some Mussels (which I tried for the first time.) One would think I would be too full to eat my actual dinner, but somehow God gave me the strength to devour three humungous sausages. (Insert obvious joke here)  

Thanksgiving Day (Thursday)

The lady registers both of us for an 8K (5 mile) race in the city and boy am I not a happy camper. I’m so friggin grumpy, I’m like the love child between Clint Eastwood’s character from “Gran Torino” and the old woman from “Throw Momma From the Train.” Not only is it early in the morning, but the temperature is in the low 30s. I feel tired, hungry(of course) my nose is running and on top of it I have to put on a happy face because my father-in-law and another couple are participating in the race with us. And to give me another kick in the tuchus, the whole race takes place along the lakefront to make it even colder. Despite cussing out loud to myself the whole race and contemplating committing suicide in Lake Michigan, I'm actually glad I did the race so I could continue on my eating rampage. 

Later that afternoon we arrive at my Aunt and Uncle’s house for Thanksgiving. I made sure we got there as early as possible, so I can chow down on my favorite appetizer, Taco Dip. I don’t those why this dip is so scrumptious because all it consists of is sour cream, salsa, shredded cheese, tomatoes, green peppers, lettuce and olives. The Taco Dip goes very quickly at Thanksgiving, so I made sure I had a front row seat and threw elbows in case any family member got in my way. 

Me at Thanksgiving


The highlight of the day was going to Dairy Queen after a lunch out with the fam. I must admit, it’s a bit frustrating not having any Dairy Queens in the LA area. Conventional wisdom would suggest for me to order a Blizzard, but I decide to keep things simple go with a Vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles. Why rainbow sprinkles you may ask? I really can’t explain it, but I have a bit of an obsession with them. If you were to visit Jonno heaven, it would consist of Rainbow Sprinkles, Muppets, Dave Grohl performing music and Boobs. One Day Jonno… One Day Jonno…

Jonno Heaven


Sadly this is the last day of my holiday feast, but I approach it like a prisoner getting his last meal before the execution. For lunch, I stuff my face with some hot dogs and fries and then eat a little leftover French Silk Pie for dessert. As dinner time approaches at Midway Airport, I'm still pretty full. In addition, I might be getting sick because I have that annoying little tickle in my throat. (Damn that 8k race!) The lady mentions to me that she wants to get some Matzo Ball soup at Manny's Deli. I then proceed to drool like Homer Simpson. For those that are not aware, Manny's Deli is a Chicago institution and probably one of my favorite places to eat at in the world. Despite being not that hungry and on the verge of getting sick, I suck it up and inhale a Pastrami Sandwich. On the negative note, the flight attendant made me purchase two seats on the flight back to LA.

Happy Fatsgiving everyone! 
If there was one thing my Thanksgiving feast was missing, it was a 6-piece Chicken McNugget. 

1. Whenever someone I don't know calls me "boss"... I have a feeling what they are really trying to say is... "Hey there schmuck, who will never be a real boss."  

2. I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty much unbeatable when it comes to playing "Apples to Apples." The key is to know your judge and conform to his/her personality when selecting your card. (Tip free of charge)  

3. Stuffing is an extremely underrated side dish and needs to be something we eat as a society year-round. Who's with me?  

4.  "I'm going to jump up in the air and then have somebody take my picture! It's going to be so cool!" - Every girl on Facebook

5. There aren't too many quality comedies on network TV these days, but "The Goldbergs" is one of the few. Good writing, good characters and good emotion. (The opposite of my writing)

6. I actually told my wife to be quiet so I could watch One Direction perform on "Saturday Night Live." Hmm... Maybe what I really need is a husband.