Friday, January 13, 2012

Jonno's Peep Show

The other day I was getting a physical from a doctor that I was seeing for the first time. He was nice man, in his 60s and from the East coast. I prefer older doctors since I share many characteristics of an elderly man. 
So it comes to the wonderful part where I had to drop my pants. (Settle down ladies this is for medical reasons) Out of all the different places in the room, I found it strange he wanted me to face an open window that overlooks a busy street with several office and apartment buildings. And if you are gonna have me stand by the window, at least have my back towards it. Not the full frontal side. 

(I think this angle would be much more appropriate.)

 The doctor told me not to be concerned because nobody can see me. I had trouble believing him because I could easily see people walking around outside. So unless the window was a one-way mirror that's used for interrogations rooms, everybody could see me as well.
Who knows? Maybe this doctor enjoys pranking his new patients or maybe he gets off on it in some creepy way. All I know is that I felt used and abused. 
And to clarify to all the people on Robertson Blvd. in Beverly Hills, I was not receiving filacio from an older Jewish man in his 60s. And let me also clarify, it was extremely cold in the room.

It's time for everybody's favorite part... (Or maybe just mine) The McNuggets! 

-To all the people that already declaring on Facebook that 2012 is a great year so far… I hope in the near future somebody gives you a wedgie, while a bird poops on you simultaneously.

-Also, if you're over the age of 30 and still get overly excited about using a party blower... I also hope the wedgie and the bird poop happens to you as well. 
-By the way, I’ve noticed that I keep on telling people “Happy New Year?” When is the official cut-off date for that? Because it’s getting a little awkward.  

-Whenever I buy a reversible belt, I always think I'm getting the deal of the century because I'm getting two belts for the price of one. Unfortunately, they always seems to break after a few months. I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to think reversible belts are somehow related to Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme. 
-Why can't Peppermint be a year-round ice cream flavor? I have the same feelings that stuffing should be a year-round side dish. 

-I haven’t done a scientific study on this, but I have a feeling there is a direct correlation between men that make a nest on public toilets and also men that don’t get laid frequently.

-I was walking by the Santa Monica promenade and witnessed a very peculiar site... There was this Asian street performer who was moonwalking to Michael Jackson music, while this obese man, who appeared  Egyptian, was holding a leash of a jumping monkey in a dress. I have never done LSD before, but I have to imagine that is what it feels like.  

-Should I be concerned that I find the re-runs of "Yes Dear" on TBS enjoyable and endearing? 
-After seeing the promos for the new ABC show “Work It!” It appears Corky has quit acting and found a new job as an ABC TV executive. 

(I can't wait to see the episode where they get caught using a urinal. Can you say LOL?!)

-As I handed my ticket to the usher to see “Young Adult”… She says to me, “Just so you know, this movie is really depressing.” Thanks for the advice Ms. Usher... Let me just hop back in my time machine and pretend the ticket purchase never happened.
-After seeing the latest Mission Impossible movie, I need to seriously consider kidnapping Tom Cruise's personal trainer. 
-Congratulations to Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel for getting engaged. I can now cross two people off my dream list of people to have sex with.

-I gotta admit Katy Perry’s sure got the raw end of her divorce to Russell Brand. Not only does she have to pay him 20 million, but she also got every STD known to mankind.

-And finally... I was driving to work on a fairly busy residential street and a car decided to go through a stop sign and come literally inches from smashing into my car. Fortunately, I was to somehow able to do a Chuck Norris ninja move and swerve out of the way.
I then pull over to the side of the road, so I can have a few words with the driver. As he drives by, he sees me and rolls down the window...

“Are you okay?” he says.

I thought to myself... Well at least the idiot schmuck had the decency to say that…

I was still a bit startled, so I reply in a high pitch/non-masculine voice… “What is wrong with you? You almost killed me?” 

He then was able to restore my faith in humanity by saying the magic words “Fuck you!” to me and then drove off.

Ladies and Gentleman… Meet the new security guard at my work! Can you say awkward?