Friday, October 08, 2010

Memoirs of the Invisible Jonno

Two recent instances have made me wonder if I am truly invisible. Before your brain gets flooded with confusion, please let me explain myself. A few Saturdays ago, I was waddling down the street getting ready to head into CVS. As I made a sharp right turn (walking) I saw a young hipster doofus standing in front of the store smoking a cigarette. As I glanced up, the young doofus proceeded to hock a slimy loogie into the air. It was as if the projectile loogie hesitated and winked at me mid-air. My facial expression quickly turned to "OH NOOOOOOOOOO!" I knew at this point there was no turning back. Unfortunately, this loogie had a destination and it was aimed at our little, innocent, and precious Jonno. The loogie smothered me like a tsunami and drenched my shirt and shorts. Fortunately, it was not my Gucci wardrobe day (that usually occurs on Wednesdays, if you’re scoring at home).

I turned to the hipster doofus and asked him, "What the hell is your problem?" In a very non-apologetic tone he replied, "What? I didn't see you." That was his response?!!!! What has this world come to? He was almost as if he thought it was my fault that I walked into his spit! If I had accidentally spit on somebody, I’d get down on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness. Being the “mensch” that I am, I’d probably even offer to pay for their dry cleaning. If I hadn’t been such a friggin’ wuss, I would've slammed the hipster doofus’ head against a wall. The thing I still can't understand is who the heck hocks a loogie without any type of control in a heavy traffic area? If I do happen to spit, which I rarely do, it's usually directed at the ground (away from any humans, animals, or living organisms). I'm not a vengeful person, but I if I ever see this young hipster doofus again, I'm most definitely going to spit on him. The only issue is that I tend to dribble a bit when I spit. I guess I'll have to practice in my free time.
As we continue along the invisible theme...

Earlier this morning, I decided to hit the gym to maintain my stunning physique. After getting a sip of water from the water fountain, this gentleman was not paying attention to where he was walking and almost knocked right into me. In order to avoid the collision, I did a ninja reflex move, but he still grazed my groin area (settle down ladies, your time will come). The gentleman said, "sorry, excuse me" which was a valid apology given the circumstances. I felt we had reached an understanding. I decided to work off some of my fat kid's gorging from the previous night and do some crunches. As I struggled to do some, I noticed the same gentleman who had grazed my groin area approach me. He says to me, "Did you just push me?"  I looked at him like he had 8 heads because I had no idea what he was talking about. He then goes on to say "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't disrespected."  At this point, I was like what the hell is this guy talking about?  I'm not saying I'm the strongest man in the world, but I think somebody would know if I pushed them. So I practically laughed at him and said, "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."  Maybe it was more of a nervous laugh, but nonetheless it was a laugh. The gentleman than says before he walks away, "I hope so. Because I don't want to be disrespected!"  If anything, I was the person that was disrespected, given that he bumped into me and grazed my special area. And how is it that people keep on not noticing me?  I'm practically 6'3 and 195 pounds. It's not like I'm Mini Me walking around and getting stepped on. It's almost like I'm re-living the movie "The Sixth Sense" and I'm some type of ghost.

I see awkward people!
Time for everybody's favorite part(Or maybe just mine)... The McNuggets!!!

-I gotta pick a beef with facebook here... I'm really not a fan of anytime I leave a comment on somebody's thread, I then get e-mailed everybody else's comment. It's nothing against the other people, but I unfortunately don't care what they have to say. Facebook, I know you do offer some good things, so I guess we'll just have to compromise here... As long as you let me stalk women and stare at their pictures, I'll deal with the comments thread. Deal?

-I also have a bone to pick with stainless steel pots and pans. What is the benefit of them?  I know they look nicer, but they have to be the biggest pain the arse!  Every time I use them, I end up burning the bottom of the pot. To add on to the madness, they are harder to clean and the handle always gets too hot!  It's almost like dealing with some ultra-sensitive little baby. who cries over any little thing you do wrong. Actually come to think of it, that's kind of like me.          

-I don't know how the Real World does it, but every season they are able to find the most psychotic, obnoxious person, with the worst communication skills. And in this past season in New Orleans, they introduced me to the wonderful Ryan. Ryan, I never want to meet or see you, but thank so much for bringing so much joy to my life.

My future roommate from Craigslist
-I know the song "California Gurls" has gotten fairly old by now, but I am compelled to discuss it. As you know, the song basically talks about how attractive the girls are in California with their bikini tops and daizy dukes. For some reason, whenever I'm driving around the streets of LA and this song comes on the radio, I always see the most grotesque women, shaking their flabby asses as I look out my car window. Ms. Perry, where are these "California Gurls" that you speak so highly of?  

-Awkward line of the week... A few weekends ago, I was at this lounge and my friend started to talk with this attractive hostesses. My friend said to the her, "Doesn't that guy over there look like Hayden Christensen?"  You know, the guy from Star Wars." The hostess then replied, "I don't know. I don't watch that show."  That's why we all love the California girls.

I'm Out!