Sunday, August 23, 2009

Possum Haircuts, Gawking, and Katy Perry

The other day I went to get a haircut. I did not make an appointment, so I was hoping to get a walk-in. The first place I went to, there were four of five people sitting down waiting. So that was not going to work. I then went into another barbershop and they told me they had nothing available until 11am. Apparently, I did not get the memo that it was get your haircut day. With the mindset the third time is the charm, I saw a sign for "Michael's Barbershop". So I waddled inside and there were no customers. Finally! There was a middle-aged man in a barber's uniform and some younger suave looking guy sitting in the barber's chair. I couldn't tell if he worked there or was a customer. Because he didn't look like a guy who worked at a barbershop. I usually prefer older, ugly men to cut my hair. So I was hoping the barber looking guy would approach me, but instead the suave looking dude did. Immediately I thought to myself, "Shit!"

So right away I got the impression that this suave guy reeked of doucheness. I sat down in the chair and I told him I wanted my usual fade. He had trouble understanding how I wanted my hair to be cut. And he also talked in this low, quiet, mumbling voice where it was near impossible to hear him. So he starts making small talk with me. He asks me where I was from and then I asked him where he was from. He replied, "Michigan". So being the great conversationalist that I am, I asked why did he move to Chicago. He replies, "Why do you think? For the chicks man." Right then I debated if I should take the blow dryer and clobber him in the face with. "For the chicks man"? Have you ever heard a more douchey comment in your life? Who the hell talks like that? I think the last person who talked like that was the Fonze. I did my best to compose myself and let him finish my haircut. So he asked how I want my hair cut on the sides. And I usually like it fairly short. So he asks, if I usually have my sides cut with clippers. I really hate when they ask me these questions because I never know the answer. Especially the question of what number to set the razor on. I can never remember for the life of me. Not knowing the answer, I said yes to using the clippers.

So he starts shaving the sides of my head and it looks EXTREMELY short. I mean it looks like he's giving me a Mohawk or one of these 90's skater boy cuts. It was that short people! I didn't know what to do. Could I stop him? Was it too late? Was there enough time to salvage this disaster? In a freaked out panic, I practically leaped out of my chair and yelled out "Stop!" He looks at me quizzically. I'm like, "Don't you think you're going a little too short on the sides. It looks really short". He replies, you said you wanted clippers. Well hello Mr. Douche McGee! Had I known clippers meant Mohwak/Skateboard kid shaved sides, then I would've said no! So he looks at me like, "What the hell do you want me to do?" There wasn't really much he could do since he had already started this mess. So he tells me that he's going to blend it on the sides. But it was too late. It was literally the worse haircut I have gotten in my life. On top of that, he sucked at life and it cost $30! When he was done with me, I looked like a mentally challenged possum. It was horrible. I was embarrassed to even walk outside. It was so bad homeless men couldn't even look at me in the eye. They actually gave me money. Who knows? Maybe the retarded possum haircut can become the new George Clooney?

(Do I turn you on?)

Other McNuggets....

-I really think the gawking that men do has gotten out of control. Don't get me wrong, when an attractive female walks by, I'll take a look, but quickly look away. But these gawker dudes I see on the streets don't really hide it that well. It's almost like they become hypnotized when they are intrigued by a woman and start walking backwards uncontrollably like a zombie. To add to that, what has happened to the gawker standards? Maybe it's the economy, but lately if a girl is 200 pounds or under and can breathe she will most likely be gawked at. What we need are some mentally challenged possum haircuts for women, which will help reduce the amount of uncomfortable gawking. Who's with me?

-I was driving in my car the other day... And I got caught picking my nose by a female in the car next to me. It was a very awkward situation. There really is no good way to bounce back from getting caught during a pick. The best way to explain the feeling, is when a fat kid gets caught taking a cookie from the cookie jar. It sucks, but it was totally worth it.

-It is it just me or are pigeons flying lower and lower these days? Yesterday, I was waddling down the street and a pigeon literally grazed by head. I don't believe it defecated on me or anything, but I definitely felt like my personal space was violated. I wonder if there is a correlation between the pigeon grazing my head and the mentally challenged possum hairdo?

-I'm not gonna lie, I see some weird shit on my daily walk to work. I was walking in this alley and I see some guy wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses hunched over a garbage dumpster. There was another man standing next to him reading a newspaper. I had no idea what was going on, so I kept looking over at him. It looked like he was smelling the garbage. Then I look back again and I thought he was snorting coke or something. So I turn back and look again and out of nowhere a waterfall of a Mountain Dew looking vomit shoots out his mouth like no other. I guess really nothing good can from gawking. Even if it's same sex gawking.

-Speaking of gawking, I really gotta thing for this Katy Perry gal. Not only are her songs not too bad, but she's pretty easy on the eyes. She looks my friend Zooey Deschanel, but with some curves added. I just thought I would share that with you.
(Do I turn you on?)

-I was flipping channels on the Tele and I came across the Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian reality show. What the hell? Why is this show on my TV? So let me get this straight... First we have a girl named Kim Kardashian on TV because her father was O.J.'s lawyer, her mom got re-married to Bruce Jenner, and she did a sex tape with Brandy's brother. Neither of those things warrant a TV show or fame. So now, we have her sisters with their own show, who are even less revelant. So what's next? A show on Kim Kardashian's underwear skid marks? Actually, I probably would watch that.

-And finally, I have joined the twitter craze. So feel free to follow me at And right now we have a special campaign, where every person that follows me gets a complimentary mentally challenged possum haircut.

I'm Out!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

500 Days of an Awkward Summer

I'm kind of a big deal these days... Okay not really, but I like to tell myself that. Recently, I went to the premiere of "500 Days of Summer". The Romantic Dramedy starring Joesph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. I knew Joesph Gordon-Levitt and the director were going to be in attendance, but I wasn't expecting anybody else. I sat down in the very crowded theater and saw this female sit a few seats down from me. And she looked just like Zooey Deschanel. I don't have many talents in life, but one of the few that I do have is spotting celebrities. I have a pretty good percentage rate of spotting them. I would say around a 75% success rate. So I'm sitting down in my aisle seat. (Btw, I never understood the whole sitting in the middle of the row? Does it really make a difference? Personally, I rather have the extra room.)

Anyway, she is sitting down in the same row as me. This guy needs to squeeze in the row, so being the polite gent that I am, I get up and allow him adequate space to squeeze by. He thanks me and we make-out. Kidding, I just gave him a reach around. It turns out this guy was Zooey's date/BF. A few minutes later, Zooey walks by me and I get up to allow her out of the row. She apologizes for making me get up again and promises it will be the last time. Being the witty guy that I am, I thought I would drop a little humor on her. So I say in a joking/sarcastic tone, "Well, it better be the last time!" The problem was that my tone was way off. It was almost like the devil took control over my vocal chords and prevented me me from my intended joking tone. So Zooey gives me a dirty look and walks away. Here was my chance, to impress one of the hot actresses out there and I blew it. To make matters worse, when she came back she entered on the opposite side of the row to avoid me. This is why I stick to writing rather than performing.

Other McNuggets...

-The other day it started raining on my walk to work. Instead of getting poured on, I thought I would catch the next bus that went by. So I waddle over to the nearest bus stand, and there is an African-American midget sitting on the bench and he appears to be cutting himself with some sort of object on his pant leg. If it was Webster or Garey Coleman, I would've felt more secure. But since it wasn't, I decided to forget about the bus and walk in the rain.

-Speaking of midgets... I recently read "The Orphan" script. I decided not to see it in theaters, because I didn't want to be sleeping with the light on in my parent's bed for a month. Apparently the twist (Spoiler) is that the Orphan is not really a young girl, she is a 30-year-old woman who suffers from a form of Dwarfism, who used to be a prostitute and escaped from a mental institution in Russia. I am now having second thoughts about the little boy I adopted that looks exactly like Verne Troyer. I may have to bring him back.

-I've come to the realization that whenever I see dudes email or text "LOL", there's a good chance they are a homosexual. I'm not sure why I feel this way, I have no statistical data to prove this. But whenever I see a male "LOL", I get an image of an extremely high-pitch laugh, with his hand tilted downward, as he drinks a Pina Colada.

-The most annoying song right now, without a doubt has to be the Black Eye Peas "I Got A Feeling." It is playing non-stop everywhere! If the song ends on one radio station and then I switch to another station, it comes on again! To make it worse they're using the song in TV and Films. CBS is using it as their Advertising Campaign for their prime time schedule. And how the hell is this even a song? A mentally challenged panda bear could write these lyrics... "Tonight's gonna be a good good night..." And tonight is NOT gonna be a good night. It's going to be a shitty night just like the rest of them! So stop misleading me and playing the damn song!

-I would like to be serious for a moment and mention how saddened I am, from the loss of John Hughes. In my opinion he is the best writer in film history. I know that is a strong statement, but if you look at the movies he put out year after year in the 80's, it is truly remarkable. His films had the ability to remain timeless and were the type you could watch a million times. I never understood why he stopped making films so early. His last directed film was in 1991. I heard rumors that his wife got tired of the LA lifestyle so they moved back to Illinois, but nobody knows for sure. It's too bad he doesn't get the recognition he deserves, until he passes away. But that's the way it kind of works these days. Thank you Mr. Hughes, for giving us the endless laughs and entertainment and hopefully one day I will be half the writer you were.

I'm Out!