Saturday, January 21, 2006

Bears venting, Scarlett Johansson, and good Honey Mustard

Let me first talk about the horrid Bear game I had to watch last weekend. What the hell where they thinking? The first play of the game you get burned by the best receiver in the league. So you do two things after that happens. 1. You double or triple team Steve Smith's ass. 2. And go tell Tillman to set his pathetic peanut ass on the bench. What did Lovie and the Bears decide to do? 1. Keep defending Smith in single coverage 2. Have a practice squad defensive back named Chris Thompson go up against Smith. I mean come on! And then on offense we have Grossman chucking up 200 passes like he's friggin Dan Marino. Did we forget how we won 11 games this season? It wasn't by throwing the ball, it was by running the ball. Thomas Jones averaged 4 yards a carry in the game, but for some ridiculous reason we decide to run the ball only 20 times. The fact of the matter is the Bears were an overrated team. The Panthers deserve to move on in the playoffs, so nobody should think that the Bears missed their opportunity.

Other Random/Awkward Thoughts:

-At first, I understood why Antonio Davis went into the stand at the Bulls game. But after finding out how much a wacko his wife is and her track record of getting kicked out of her children's basketball games, it's evident there's something wrong with the woman. (I would still do her though.)

-I started watching the movie "Into the Blue," with Paul Walker and Jessica Alba (Wow!). It's actually not that bad of movie, pretty entertaining.

-Why is it that when I go to Walgreens there is a locked case for Claritin and Mach 3 Turbo Razors? So now it takes me an extra ten minutes to wait for a Walgreens representative to get them to open it up. If you reading this and are one of the indviduals going around stealing allegry pills and razor blades, try and set your goals a little higher.

-Nachos are the best thing to eat at a basketball game.

-I was shocked to hear my idol Howard Stern got a nose job and lipo on his chin. Very disappointed.

-So far the new Howard Stern Sirius Show has not lived up to my expectations. But there is still no comparison between Sirius and FM/AM Radio.

-I don't gell all the buzz about "My Name is Earl."

-Scarlett Johannson has joined my "Top Five." Congratulations Scarrlett, you have joined an elite class.

-A snow storm hit Chicago last Friday night. So you think people would stay in given the circumstances. So at midnight the bar I was at, kicks everybody out because it was over crowded. I don't get it? Why can't people stay home?

-It is impossible to find good Honey Mustard at the grocery store.

-The Bulls are a bad team.

-If I hear that friggin Pusscycat song again, I will get dangerous and hurt somebody.

-That Fall Out Boy song "Dance, Dance" is one hell of a song.

- I thought the Broncos were going to the Super Bowl and I was wrong.

I'm Out!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Queer Eye For The Awkward Guy

The other day I decide to meet my buddy Steve out for some beers. Steve was already with his cousin and a friend of his. So I get to the bar and it seems like a nice enough place. I introduce myself to Steve's friend and his cousin. They both seemed like nice people and I gotta say the friend was pretty good looking. But she is irrelevant to the story. Anyways, I'm sitting at the bar drinking a beer. I look up at the bartenders and they appear to be homosexuals. Not a big deal at all, that's cool. And then I see a very flamboyant male, sit two stools down from me at the bar. Again not a big deal, I'm lover not a hater. So I'm just drinking my beer, watching the football game. Just kind of in my own world. And to the right of me I feel a sharp grab to my waist and a back rub. And it's from the flamboyant gay dude. Right away, I freeze as if I am in gunpoint. He then whispers in my ear, "Can I get a cigarette?" Quickly, in it about a nano-second I grab Steve's cigarettes and toss them to the flamboyant dude. At this moment, I am way too uncomfortable to even care if it's cool with Steve to give away his smokes. Honestly, if the flamboyant dude asked me for a million dollars I probably would of gave that to him also. I just wanted to be left alone. Apparently, after giving him cigarrettes he took that as a nice gesture from me. So he introduces himself and tells me his name is Parker. And boy is this guy a pickle lover. I mean he makes Richard Simmons look like Vin Diesel. Trying my best to not act like I'm interested and make a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Parker finally turns Steve's friend Allison and is like "Boy you are beautiful." Right now I'm thinking thank God, he's not talking to me anymore. And then Parker says, "What are you doing with here these gorgeous guys?" Now I'm thinking "Shit, I'm still not out of the woods yet." He continues to talk to our group and I am doing my best to just concentrate and watch the football game. At the same time, I can not get the grab of my waist out of my head. It's almost like I felt abused and dirty. And then I hear Parker say to Steve's friend Allison, "So what brings you to a gay bar?" I'm thinking, "What the fuck?" My buddy Steve brings me to a gay bar without telling me. I mean I guess I should of put it all together given that Steve's cousin is gay, the gay bartenders, and Parker the fudgepacker grabbing my waist. Fortunately, we had to leave to go see this comedy show. So I had to break Parker's heart and jet the hell out of there. So Steve and I leave the bar and I'm a little ticked he took me this place without telling me. Before I could say anything, Steve says to me "Why the hell did you give away my cigarettes?" I then quickly answer back, "Because I was physically abused by a dude!"

I think I got my point across.

I'm Out!