Sunday, January 08, 2006

Queer Eye For The Awkward Guy

The other day I decide to meet my buddy Steve out for some beers. Steve was already with his cousin and a friend of his. So I get to the bar and it seems like a nice enough place. I introduce myself to Steve's friend and his cousin. They both seemed like nice people and I gotta say the friend was pretty good looking. But she is irrelevant to the story. Anyways, I'm sitting at the bar drinking a beer. I look up at the bartenders and they appear to be homosexuals. Not a big deal at all, that's cool. And then I see a very flamboyant male, sit two stools down from me at the bar. Again not a big deal, I'm lover not a hater. So I'm just drinking my beer, watching the football game. Just kind of in my own world. And to the right of me I feel a sharp grab to my waist and a back rub. And it's from the flamboyant gay dude. Right away, I freeze as if I am in gunpoint. He then whispers in my ear, "Can I get a cigarette?" Quickly, in it about a nano-second I grab Steve's cigarettes and toss them to the flamboyant dude. At this moment, I am way too uncomfortable to even care if it's cool with Steve to give away his smokes. Honestly, if the flamboyant dude asked me for a million dollars I probably would of gave that to him also. I just wanted to be left alone. Apparently, after giving him cigarrettes he took that as a nice gesture from me. So he introduces himself and tells me his name is Parker. And boy is this guy a pickle lover. I mean he makes Richard Simmons look like Vin Diesel. Trying my best to not act like I'm interested and make a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Parker finally turns Steve's friend Allison and is like "Boy you are beautiful." Right now I'm thinking thank God, he's not talking to me anymore. And then Parker says, "What are you doing with here these gorgeous guys?" Now I'm thinking "Shit, I'm still not out of the woods yet." He continues to talk to our group and I am doing my best to just concentrate and watch the football game. At the same time, I can not get the grab of my waist out of my head. It's almost like I felt abused and dirty. And then I hear Parker say to Steve's friend Allison, "So what brings you to a gay bar?" I'm thinking, "What the fuck?" My buddy Steve brings me to a gay bar without telling me. I mean I guess I should of put it all together given that Steve's cousin is gay, the gay bartenders, and Parker the fudgepacker grabbing my waist. Fortunately, we had to leave to go see this comedy show. So I had to break Parker's heart and jet the hell out of there. So Steve and I leave the bar and I'm a little ticked he took me this place without telling me. Before I could say anything, Steve says to me "Why the hell did you give away my cigarettes?" I then quickly answer back, "Because I was physically abused by a dude!"

I think I got my point across.

I'm Out!

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