Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Jonno The Dark Knight

This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing the “The Dark Knight Rises.” All I can say is what a movie! From the first minute on I was hooked and caught up in the story. That’s saying a lot given the movie is a 160-minutes long and I have the attention span of a baby chimpanzee. Surprisingly, the star of the movie was not Christian Bale, it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who would have thought the young kid from "3rd Rock From the Sun" would become such a phenomenal actor? If I was a gambling man, I would have put my money on the squinty guy.

Anne Hathaway provided some much needed sass and Tom Hardy's voice was creepy enough to pull off the villain role. Although, I probably need to see it again to understand half of the things he said. I'm not sure what happened to Michael Caine's character, Alfred in the last four years. His character transformed from a butler to a Jewish mother, nagging Bruce Wayne to settle down and find a wife.

"Brucie, I know a great girl for you! She's a teacher, great personality and such a cute figure. Are you really going to wear that tie with that wrinkled shirt? Oy!"

Major kudos goes to creative genius, Christopher Nolan for making a satisfying ending to one of the best trilogies in cinematic history. If only more people could make movies like this, it would be a better world.

So, I saw the movie at 4:15 p.m. on a Saturday at the Arclight Dome Theater in Hollywood. For those that don’t know, the Arclight is probably one of the most popular theaters in LA and is right off Sunset Blvd., a highly trafficked street. When I strolled into the theater lobby, I surprisingly did not see any extra security. That might explain why this obese Caucasian male, late 40s/early 50s, wearing all black and carrying a small duffel bag waddled into the theater with 30 minutes left of the movie. He sat in the aisle seat of the last row and immediately everyone looked back to stare at him.

Given the horrible and sickening incident that happened in Colorado, everyone was overly alert and on guard. About three or four people got out of their seats and exited the theater. It was unclear if they were getting security or if they just left because they were scared out of their minds. Right as I thought about getting up to find a theater employee, two security dudes entered the back of the theater. They were literally standing right behind the sketchy dude, but appeared confused. They then began to walk the wrong way, to the other side of the row.

Even though all this was going on during the most pivotal point of the movie, I knew protecting society was more important. I thought to myself "What would Batman do in this situation?"

I got out of my seat, grabbed the security dudes and pointed them to the sketchy man. It was a bit awkward because the sketchy man saw me pointing at him and heard me say "That's the guy!" A few moments later security got him to leave the theater.

As I walked back to my seat, I was hoping for a standing ovation from the theater crowd, for my heroic deed. Instead, I got absolutely no response because they were captivated by the movie. I didn't mind. I realize heroes such as Batman and myself, don't need the recognition or the accolades. As long as the human race feels safe that’s all that truly matters.

To the sketchy man... I apologize for kicking you out of the theater, but you had too many things going against you in the red flag department. Next time you plan to see a movie, I highly suggest you don’t walk in with 30 minutes left, you don’t wear all black, you don’t carry a small duffel bag and you don’t sit in the creepiest seat in the theater. Also, I greatly appreciate that you did not try to attack me when I walked out of the theater.

If any of you would like to send gifts, donations, or baked goods for my heroic efforts, I would be more than happy to send you my contact information.


Monday, July 16, 2012

A 25-Piece McNugget

I think it's about time we did some McNuggets!

1.After sitting through the movie “That’s My Boy”, the only fair retaliation would be for me to kidnap Adam Sandler and give him a dutch oven for 90 minutes.

2. My mom's description of HBO's "Girls" pilot. "I couldn't believe what I saw. She was having sex from behind and everything!"

3. Lena Dunham is a heck of a talent, but I find it troubling my breasts are bigger than hers.

4. Speaking of breasts, Kate Upton please make some despicable anti-Semitic remark or do something horribly gross that will make me stop obsessing over you.

  I can never stop sharting.

 5. To all the people that attend Farmers Markets... The sliced-up strawberries in the plastic bag are not samples, they are the eaten samples. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way.

6. After reading about the dangers of bath salt, I took a bath with pepper instead and felt a lot safer.

7. Whenever I walk by a women's work-out class, there is always one out-of-shape guy in the back of the room that looks horribly out of place. The unfortunate part is that I'll probably be that guy in a few years.  

8. I would like to apologize to all the people who invested in my kids toy idea called the “Tickle Monster.” Just bad timing.

9. I appreciate the respectful communication I'm receiving from strangers, but if you're significantly older than me there's no reason to call me "Sir."    

10. One of the many reasons I hate the Facebook Timeline feature, is that now everyone knows I was fly girl for "In Living Color" in 1991.

11. I'm beginning to think my Mohel made a mistake during my circumcision. I must hunt him down and have a few words with him.

12. Dear band named FUN, give me one more good single and I'm buying your album.  I have to be cautious because I'm still scarred by the purchase of my Crash Test Dummies CD in 1994.

13. Not sure why John Travolta, just didn’t swap faces with Nicolas Cage before he attempted any sexual assaults.

14. And I'm totally shocked that the star of "Grease" and the person who dressed up in drag in "Hairspray" could be a homosexual.

15. Speaking of homosexuals and Scientology... I have a feeling Katie Holmes and Suri had to escape Tom Cruise like Tim Robbin's character escaped prison in "The Shawshank Redemption."    

16.If there is a job out there that requires you to intentionally avoid people you know when you see them in public, please tell me where I can send my resume. 

17. Memo to all drivers and pedestrians in Los Angeles and across America... Yes, I drive a Prius and I'm fully aware it doesn't make any noise. No need to inform me.

18. Does anybody else get this message when they connect their car bluetooth to their cell? Or is it just me? "Hands-Free connection a Success. You are Not"

19. I’ve come to the realization it's nearly impossible for a man to not fart when he is urinating at an airport urinal.

20. Why does the number of plastic bags a person carries, increase exponentially as they get older?

21. After seeing the size of Dan Akyroyd recently, I'm beginning to think he ate John Belushi.  

22. When I went to see "Magic Mike" my disguise did not work and I got noticed.
Any better disguise ideas when I go see the Katy Perry 3D movie?

 23. I think Matthew McConaughey feels just as uncomfortable wearing a t-shirt, as I feel going shirtless.

24. Also, thank you Channing Tatum for putting an end to the stereotype that white guys can't dance. That kid can bust a move.

25. I realize I'm not helping the stereotype by saying "bust a move" in the previous nugget.