Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Fall

Usually with these entries, I typically discuss something awkward that has happened to me. For this entry, I’m going to do something a little different and explain some recent humiliation that a family member endured. I know some of you may feel this is unethical, but it is only fair since this individual is part responsible for my awkwardness gene. 

I was visiting my family in Chicago for my birthday and we went out for a delightful Sunday brunch. (Side Note: It's still not too late to tell me Happy Birthday on Facebook) The restaurant is absolutely packed, so we decide to sit outside on their patio. The waitress explains to us that the kitchen is backed up and the fam is starting to get restless. To make matters worse, the clouds are starting to darken and it looks like it could start pouring any minute. And for the Chosen People, hunger and the threat of rain are two things that do not mix together well. 

My Mom is beginning to worry. A Jewish mother cannot risk the possibility of her family not being able to eat because of mother nature. She is a frequent patron at this establishment and decides to take matters in her own hands and go inside to talk to the manager.

As my Mom gets up, the chair’s back leg gets caught in a groove/crack on the ground. Her chair flings backward and she practically hangs in mid-air like an astronaut strapped to their seat heading for space. I’m sitting next to her and seeing this out of the corner of my eye. But of course I’m looking at my phone at some mindless Facebook post that probably YOU posted. (Btw, I can't believe that is the "Beverly Hills 90210" character that you most resemble! OMG!)  

I got Andrea Zuckerman

I’m probably the only person that can save her, but for some reason there is some supernatural force that is keeping me frozen. Maybe it’s shock? Maybe the ensuing embarrassment? Or maybe that it’s because I’m naturally slow at everything? 

As she hangs in mid-air, my Mom is surprisingly as still as a rock. If I was in her situation, I would be flailing my arms like a madman yelling “Woah… Woah… Woah.” She appears to have given up and is awaiting her unfortunate destiny. I finally get off of my tukhus to try to catch her with one hand because I’m holding my phone like a schmuck in my other hand. It was almost as if we were both starring in the movie "Gravity" and I was George Clooney and my Mom was Sandra Bullock. It's probably a good thing we weren't in the movie, because it would have lasted only three seconds. 


I of course get there too late and she has indeed fallen to the ground. I literally can't believe this is happening! Not only am I worried she's injured, but there are also 25-30 people watching this unfold. Plus, this is partially my fault because of my stupid phone and sluggishness. My Dad and I help her up and miraculously enough she is perfectly fine. Not even a second later, my Mom walks into the restaurant like a champ to speak with the manager. Nothing was going to stop this woman from getting our food. Not the threat of rain! Not falling off her chair! Not the public embarrassment! Nothing! 

As we wait for the outcome, I'm still struggling with the awkwardness of what just happened. Given that she is okay, a part of me is ready to bust out laughing because it was literally one of the oddest, slow-motion falls I have ever seen. If you ever have seen the "Modern Family" episode where Cameron tries to kiss Mitchell, he accidentally turns away and Cameron falls over the couch, it looked exactly like that. (See it here: The Modern Family Fall)

My Mom exits the restaurant with an odd grin on her face. Not only does she inform us that our food is about to arrive, but she is holding a $10 gift card from the restaurant. Interesting... Maybe this whole falling thing was part of her plan all along? 

(P.S. My Mom wanted to let all of you know that if you are looking for any stunt falls in your next film, she can be contacted at Compensation: High-quality craft services/catering) 

Speaking of falling... One thing I'm falling in love with... Is a juicy 6-Piece McNugget! 

1. For my birthday the wife decided to buy me a fitbit and a fitbit scale. Do you think she's trying to send me a message? (Damn you Rico!) 

2. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a sexier name for female underwear than "Boy Shorts."

3. Not really digging this new trend with everyone traveling and flying with their dogs. If you think its cute, just wait till you get humped and shat on by Muffins.  

4. I wonder how Adam Levine researched his role in "Begin Again" to play an arrogant and self-centered musician?

5. Speaking of movie roles, apparently Hollywood feels Catherine Keener is the only actress allowed to play the main character's ex-wife.

6. Someone needs to inform Josh Groban that he's not funny. (And probably me too after reading this blog.)