Monday, April 24, 2006

The Tricky Toilet Paper

So a few weekends ago, some buddies and I went over to Trader Todds. Trader Todds is a small karaoke bar, where you see obliterated people singing the worst karaoke you have ever seen. Here's a little backstory . . . The two previous days, I had a bad stomach. Where I'll be feeling fine and out of nowhere, I'll get this sharp pain and have to drop an immediate deuce. So of course at this bar it has to hit me. I go over to the bathroom and its one of those single toilet bathrooms. Where only one person can go at a time. So I wait for the person that was in the bathroom to come out. I walk in the bathroom and its the grossest friggin thing I have ever seen. There is one toilet covered in urine with other mysterious substances on the ground. I tell myself, "I can't friggin go here." "But if I don't try to go, I am going to be in deep trouble the rest of the night." And while I am debating what to do, I realize there is probably about five people in line waiting to take a piss. So I chicken out and leave the bathroom. My plan was to just tough it out and hopefully it would go away. About ten minutes later, I'm sitting at a table and the pains become unbearable again. I then waddle my way back to the bathroom. I walk in and stare at the repulsive, disgusting, and atrocious bathroom. So I do the unthinkable . . . I pull down my pants and I squat over the urine infested toilet. I don't know if any of you readers have ever had to squat before, but boy is not easy. For a second there, I was having flashbacks of my 6th grade gym class, when a fat chubby version of myself was trying to do a wall sit. I squat as long I can tolerate and try my best to relieve myself. Now it's time for everybody's favorite part, the clean up. I look around for some toilet paper. The only paper I see, is a roll that is soaked on the back of toilet. What is it soaked with? That's is a very good question. But given that the toilet was drenched in urine and it was also all over the ground . . . I came to the tough conclusion that the toilet paper was indeed soaked with urine. So what do you do? Do you not clean yourself up? Or do you use the urine soaked toilet paper and risk a disease. I chose door #2. I took the soaked toilet paper and try to rip away into the middle of the roll where it was dryer. The toilet paper was still a little wet, but it was the best that I could do. I finish cleaning up in this brutally gross environment and walk over to the paper towel dispenser. I grab some paper towels to dry off my hands and I notice a mysterious brown basket strangely placed on top of the paper towel dispenser. Inside this nice, little, cute brown basket are two fresh, un-touched, clean toilet paper rolls. I asked myself, "AlrightI give up, who the hell is messing with me?" I mean is Ashton Kutcher going to jump out of the ceiling with that obnoxious laugh and tell me I've been Punked?" In a perfect world, I would rather get Hepatitis C by banging Pamela Anderson instead of by urine soaked toilet paper. But as we have seen, this is indeed not a perfect world.

I'm Out!