Tuesday, October 27, 2009

McNugget Bonanza

-It is becoming apparent to me how comfortable some men are being naked in the locker room. I'm not talking about ripped, physically fit men. I'm talking about middle-aged, out of shape, hairy, saggy men. I've always been a believer to keep my nakedness to myself, except for a select few lucky ladies out there.(Not including my mom) Don't ge me wrong, if I looked like Terell Owens nude, I would be shaking my ass with no towel on. Given that I look like a pasty white, hairy, teletubbie naked... I'm fully aware of my limitations.
(T.O.) (Jonno)

But after seeing many schlubby men with small wangs prance around the gym locker room... I'm beginning to think that I need to embrace my nakedness and be proud of who I am! (By the way, I wasn't really looking at the small wangs. I just kind of took a peek and looked away. What? Everybody peeks.)
-I'm having an issue with public bathroom sinks. You know the ones where you push down on the knob to turn it on? Well I can turn them on, but the problem is that I can never turn them off. I do everything possible with the knob to turn it off and I can't get the water to shut off. I try twisting it to the right, to the left, pushing down, pushing up.... I get nothing! So then I wonder if it's one of those automatic ones that go off on it's own. So then I'm standing there like an idiot, staring at the sink for a few minutes waiting for the water to stop. And it doesn't! I don't want to be rude and just walk out with the water running, but I'm out of options people! How in the hell do you turn these sinks off? On another note, I'm not the biggest fan of the hand sensor paper towel dispensers. I look like a retarded mime trying to perform on a street corner. Not there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure they make an honest living.
-First David Letterman and now dudes from ESPN getting caught having affairs with fellow staffers. What is going on? Look, I know cheating happens. It's something that is very common with adults in the workplace. But Steve Phillips, what the hell are you thinking? You have a lovely wife, four children, a great job, and you risk all of that for this gal?
(I think I rather hook up with the teletubbie.)
Are you kidding me? And this is after you already admitted to having a sexual addiction problem and had an affair while you worked for the Mets. I'm sorry, but you deserve everything that is coming. I would also like to clear up this whole myth of sexual addiction. Every single man is addicted to sex. If every man could get laid, they would as much as possible. But some of us don't have many options. Now celebrity, rich, and powerful men can have sexual relations whenever they choose. So therefore, they are the ones that always admit to having a sexual addiction problem. (Michael Douglas, David Duchovny, Russell Brand etc...) Now I myself don't have a sexual addiction problem because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to turn off public sinks.
-You know you're getting old when you enjoy Costco. I went there the other day and had a friggin blast. The fat kid and I were going ape shit over the samples. Every aisle I walked in there was another friendly older lady handing me a delightful chicken taquito or a cream puff. I must say though there are a few awkward moments with the samples. First of all, I feel like I have to make small talk with the sample lady. I have to show some type of interest in the sample and ask questions about it, even though there is no chance in hell I'm going to buy a 75 pack of egg rolls. Another thing is the second helping walk of shame. Sometimes samples are so good, I cannot help myself but return for another one. Customer code says that you take one and walk away. So when I go for seconds it is extremely awkward between me and the sample lady. I do my best to not make eye contact with them or another option is to wear some funny glasses in disguise. Or if you have some extra time on your hands such as myself, wait till there is a shift change and a new sample lady takes over. Then it's fair game. By the way, I've realized there may be a correlation between my love for the Costco samples and my teletubbie nakedness.

-So I had an interesting thing happened to me during the other night while I was sleeping. No it was not a wet dream, so get your head out of the gutter. I'm actually still waiting for my first one to happen, I got my fingers crossed. Anyways, I was having a dream which I can't remember too much of. But apparently there was this dude, who I'm not sure if I knew and he was making just the funniest faces that I have ever seen. And I could not stop laughing. Like it wasn't just a chuckle, it was like one of those uncontrollable laughs where you can't even breathe. I was laughing so much, I woke up and still laughed for another ten minutes. I don't know what the hell made this dude and his funny faces so hilarious, but it was if I had been injected with laughing gas. But why funny faces? The last time that made me laugh I was 2 years old and crapping my diaper. If some stranger were to make those faces to me, while I was awake I would have to punch him in the face. Okay maybe I wouldn't really punch anybody, but at least I would pinch them or pull their hair.

-I heard on the news that a woman named Susan Finkelstein put a posting on Craigslist to get Phillies World Series Tickets by offering sexual favors. She was arrested by an undercover cop and her lawyer's excuse was that she has a case of Philly fever. First of all, is there a funnier name than Susan Finkelstein? It sounds like the name of my Hebrew Teacher growing up. I also love the explanation too that she has case of Philly Fever. I believe the correct diagnosis should be Whorish Fever.
(Jonno repeat after me.... Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam...)
I guess I can't really make fun of it, because I had White Sox fever back in 2005 when they made it to the World Series. The difference for me was that even though I already had World Series tickets, I was still giving out sexual favors. What can I say? I'm just very generous.
I'm Out!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sit and Reach, Letterman, and the Craz-E Burger

So apparently when you join a new gym, the standard procedure is to get a physical assessment with one of the head trainers. I must say I am not a fan of this, but given the team player I am... I went through with it. Plus, I thought it would be great material for my awkward readers... And it of course did not disappoint. So I meet the head trainer, the guy is built like an Adonis. Apparently, he was a defensive back at Iowa and played a little bit in the NFL. At this point I'm thinking we have a lot of common, since I've played Fantasy Football for about ten years. So first he weighs me in, which wasn't too bad since I've dropped a few lbs. So I'm feeling decent at this point. Next up, was the body fat percentage. That did not go as well. The body fat percentage was a little higher than I expected. I know you want to know what is, but I'm sorry that is confidential between my trainer and I. But I'll tell you it's below 100 and higher than 1. Next up was the bicep strength test. Why don't we, just skip the results of that test. Next up was the dreaded sit and reach. Right away, I had flashbacks to the physical fitness test in 6th grade and a chubby little Jonno trying to do the sit and reach and failing miserably. Well after 16 more years, apparently nothing has changed. Folks, lets call a spade a spade, I'm not very flexible. I think a brick wall has a better chance of doing a somersault before I do. I was so bad at the sit and reach, that I could barely reach the measuring ruler. It doesn't help that I'm somewhat of a taller gent, but it was just a truly pathetic display. It you could somehow find a YouTube video of me attempting the sit and reach, I'm sure it would break the record for hits. The best way to explain how it looks, is to picture a Panda Bear trying to give itself oral.

(Jonno, how about a little help here?)

Mr. Adonis's next test was to check my heart rate. He had me speed walk on a treadmill for about ten minutes. At this point, I thinking this was my time to shine. I jog two miles 4-5 times a week. So I figured I would pass this test with flying colors. No dice, I got a bad score on that too. I'll blame it on the after effects of the sit and reach. So then Mr. Adonis gave me my summary. He said right now I have the health of a 32-year-old, which is four years older than my current age. He said ideally he wants me to have the health of a 19 year-old. At this moment, I felt like I was on the Biggest Loser where that creepy doctor with a lisp, makes all the fat people cry when he tells them how unhealthy they are. But really who wants to be a 19 year old? I could see maybe 22 or 23. But 19? Does that mean I also have to go back to using my Delaware fake Driver's License too? By the way, Dover is the capital of Delaware. That's a good thing to know in case you have a fake ID from Delaware and a bouncer asks that. In summary, I don't want to be 32 nor do I want to be the young age of 19. I would like to be the age that I'm currently at. I would also like to do the sit and reach with more ease. And I'm sure Panda Bears would like to give themselves oral with more ease. Panda Bears... Let's work together on this. With hard work and determination, we can do it!

Other McNuggets...(I saw a woman eating a 10 piece McNugget at a food court recently. And I strongly debated punching her and stealing them. I did not because I against Female and McNugget abuse.)

-This Letterman stuff is crazy. The more and more I hear about, it just gets wackier and wackier. I'm usually not surprised when I hear somebody famous cheating. But I admit, with Letterman I was surprised. Given, that he is one of the most private celebrities out there. You never ever hear a peep about him nor see a picture of him. When I found out that the person he was having an affair with was Stephanie Birkitt, the PA/Intern who was was constantly on the show. Whenever, I was watching Letterman and saw her on there, I always found it curious as to why she was always on the show. And obviously now it all makes sense. Mr. Letterman, I think you're one of the funniest people in history, but how dumb can you be? To constantly showcasw the person you're sleeping with on the show, when you never had another PA/Intern on there. Isn't that a little suspicious? In other talks show news, it's being reported that Jimmy Kimmel is dating the head writer. What's going on here with all these talk show hosts being pimps? Is Oprah the only one that doesn't get laid? Come on, we all know Stedman bats for the other team.

-I went to go see "Zombieland" the other day. The movie was alright, it was bit gruesome at times but entertaining. One problem with seeing a R rated Zombie movies are the trailers. I am a big fat wuss. I do not handle scary movies well at all. So I'm watching this one trailer, it starts off kind of peaceful. This pregnant young woman and her husband are at some rural diner. A nice old lady approaches the pregnant woman. And she politely asks, "Are you pregnant" And the woman replies, "Yes I am." The old lady then says, "Oh that's nice." So I'm thinking, okay maybe this isn't a scary movie and instead something nice and calm . Then out of nowhere, the Old lady says in a devilish voice, "You're baby is going to burn!" and then tries to take a bite out of the pregnant woman. I literally almost jumped out of my seat. I strongly debated running to my car and hiding underneath it, while I sucked my thumb. But good God that was frightening. So thinking I was done with the scariest trailer, the next one was the new Freddy Kreuger movie. I said a Mother F'er under my breath and stared at the ground until it was over. Note to self: Only go to G-Rated movies or don't enter the theater until the trailers are done.

-People in Chicago have no idea how lucky they are that the Olympics did not come here. I couldn't believe how disappointed everybody was when they found out news. It was as if some monumental person died or something. Do they realize what it would've been like? Ridiculous crowds of people, horrible traffic, threats to the public's safety etc... Wait a second, Chicago already has all of those things. Never mind.

-So I hear Russell Brand and Katy Perry are an item now. I'm sure Mr. Brand is dating her after reading one of my previous entries, where I discussed how Ms. Perry's attractiveness is very underrated. So he wanted to beat me to her. I get that. I am threatening figure. But let's be realistic here... I give this a few months, tops. And Katy when you need to somebody to be there for you after a difficult break-up, I'm only 101 feet away. (The Restraining Order stated I couldn't be within 100 feet)

-Speaking of stalking... I am the only one who is getting harassed by Micah Carter in my gmail? Micah Carter I have no idea who the hell you are, but you have to be the most annoying individual on the planet. Because you literally send me a spam e-mail daily. And they're always personalized too, like we're best buds or something. Micah I don't know you and frankly don't want to know you. Maybe you can wine and dine me sometime and change my mind. But as of right now, leave me the hell alone! Geez, now I know how Katy Perry feels.

-I like greasy food just as much as the next guy. But I have to admit, when I heard about the Krispy Kreme's "Craz-E Burger" it made me nauseous. The Craz-E Burger contains a beef patty, two strips of bacon, melty gooey cheese, and sandwiched between two glazed donuts. The sandwich contains 1,500 calories. I mean who in their right mind would want to eat that? Instead of using weapons and guns on people. I say you give them a Craz-E Burger if you want to kill them. That way it's less violent and dangerous. Hey Micah Carter.... How about a Crazy-E Burger? It's on the house.
(At least it's Kosher)

-I must say I'm very excited about the return of the Real World/Road Rule challenge "The Ruins". That's right. You heard me. I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't know what it is, but that show entertains the shit out of me. And recently I discovered that the veteran Brad(Real World San Diego) works out at my gym. When I saw him I almost screamed like a little school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. But I was able to contain myself. There's no need to have two restraining orders against me. Instead, I just went up to him and asked if he could spot me in the shower.

I'm Out!