Tuesday, October 27, 2009

McNugget Bonanza

-It is becoming apparent to me how comfortable some men are being naked in the locker room. I'm not talking about ripped, physically fit men. I'm talking about middle-aged, out of shape, hairy, saggy men. I've always been a believer to keep my nakedness to myself, except for a select few lucky ladies out there.(Not including my mom) Don't ge me wrong, if I looked like Terell Owens nude, I would be shaking my ass with no towel on. Given that I look like a pasty white, hairy, teletubbie naked... I'm fully aware of my limitations.
(T.O.) (Jonno)

But after seeing many schlubby men with small wangs prance around the gym locker room... I'm beginning to think that I need to embrace my nakedness and be proud of who I am! (By the way, I wasn't really looking at the small wangs. I just kind of took a peek and looked away. What? Everybody peeks.)
-I'm having an issue with public bathroom sinks. You know the ones where you push down on the knob to turn it on? Well I can turn them on, but the problem is that I can never turn them off. I do everything possible with the knob to turn it off and I can't get the water to shut off. I try twisting it to the right, to the left, pushing down, pushing up.... I get nothing! So then I wonder if it's one of those automatic ones that go off on it's own. So then I'm standing there like an idiot, staring at the sink for a few minutes waiting for the water to stop. And it doesn't! I don't want to be rude and just walk out with the water running, but I'm out of options people! How in the hell do you turn these sinks off? On another note, I'm not the biggest fan of the hand sensor paper towel dispensers. I look like a retarded mime trying to perform on a street corner. Not there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure they make an honest living.
-First David Letterman and now dudes from ESPN getting caught having affairs with fellow staffers. What is going on? Look, I know cheating happens. It's something that is very common with adults in the workplace. But Steve Phillips, what the hell are you thinking? You have a lovely wife, four children, a great job, and you risk all of that for this gal?
(I think I rather hook up with the teletubbie.)
Are you kidding me? And this is after you already admitted to having a sexual addiction problem and had an affair while you worked for the Mets. I'm sorry, but you deserve everything that is coming. I would also like to clear up this whole myth of sexual addiction. Every single man is addicted to sex. If every man could get laid, they would as much as possible. But some of us don't have many options. Now celebrity, rich, and powerful men can have sexual relations whenever they choose. So therefore, they are the ones that always admit to having a sexual addiction problem. (Michael Douglas, David Duchovny, Russell Brand etc...) Now I myself don't have a sexual addiction problem because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to turn off public sinks.
-You know you're getting old when you enjoy Costco. I went there the other day and had a friggin blast. The fat kid and I were going ape shit over the samples. Every aisle I walked in there was another friendly older lady handing me a delightful chicken taquito or a cream puff. I must say though there are a few awkward moments with the samples. First of all, I feel like I have to make small talk with the sample lady. I have to show some type of interest in the sample and ask questions about it, even though there is no chance in hell I'm going to buy a 75 pack of egg rolls. Another thing is the second helping walk of shame. Sometimes samples are so good, I cannot help myself but return for another one. Customer code says that you take one and walk away. So when I go for seconds it is extremely awkward between me and the sample lady. I do my best to not make eye contact with them or another option is to wear some funny glasses in disguise. Or if you have some extra time on your hands such as myself, wait till there is a shift change and a new sample lady takes over. Then it's fair game. By the way, I've realized there may be a correlation between my love for the Costco samples and my teletubbie nakedness.

-So I had an interesting thing happened to me during the other night while I was sleeping. No it was not a wet dream, so get your head out of the gutter. I'm actually still waiting for my first one to happen, I got my fingers crossed. Anyways, I was having a dream which I can't remember too much of. But apparently there was this dude, who I'm not sure if I knew and he was making just the funniest faces that I have ever seen. And I could not stop laughing. Like it wasn't just a chuckle, it was like one of those uncontrollable laughs where you can't even breathe. I was laughing so much, I woke up and still laughed for another ten minutes. I don't know what the hell made this dude and his funny faces so hilarious, but it was if I had been injected with laughing gas. But why funny faces? The last time that made me laugh I was 2 years old and crapping my diaper. If some stranger were to make those faces to me, while I was awake I would have to punch him in the face. Okay maybe I wouldn't really punch anybody, but at least I would pinch them or pull their hair.

-I heard on the news that a woman named Susan Finkelstein put a posting on Craigslist to get Phillies World Series Tickets by offering sexual favors. She was arrested by an undercover cop and her lawyer's excuse was that she has a case of Philly fever. First of all, is there a funnier name than Susan Finkelstein? It sounds like the name of my Hebrew Teacher growing up. I also love the explanation too that she has case of Philly Fever. I believe the correct diagnosis should be Whorish Fever.
(Jonno repeat after me.... Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam...)
I guess I can't really make fun of it, because I had White Sox fever back in 2005 when they made it to the World Series. The difference for me was that even though I already had World Series tickets, I was still giving out sexual favors. What can I say? I'm just very generous.
I'm Out!

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