Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sit and Reach, Letterman, and the Craz-E Burger

So apparently when you join a new gym, the standard procedure is to get a physical assessment with one of the head trainers. I must say I am not a fan of this, but given the team player I am... I went through with it. Plus, I thought it would be great material for my awkward readers... And it of course did not disappoint. So I meet the head trainer, the guy is built like an Adonis. Apparently, he was a defensive back at Iowa and played a little bit in the NFL. At this point I'm thinking we have a lot of common, since I've played Fantasy Football for about ten years. So first he weighs me in, which wasn't too bad since I've dropped a few lbs. So I'm feeling decent at this point. Next up, was the body fat percentage. That did not go as well. The body fat percentage was a little higher than I expected. I know you want to know what is, but I'm sorry that is confidential between my trainer and I. But I'll tell you it's below 100 and higher than 1. Next up was the bicep strength test. Why don't we, just skip the results of that test. Next up was the dreaded sit and reach. Right away, I had flashbacks to the physical fitness test in 6th grade and a chubby little Jonno trying to do the sit and reach and failing miserably. Well after 16 more years, apparently nothing has changed. Folks, lets call a spade a spade, I'm not very flexible. I think a brick wall has a better chance of doing a somersault before I do. I was so bad at the sit and reach, that I could barely reach the measuring ruler. It doesn't help that I'm somewhat of a taller gent, but it was just a truly pathetic display. It you could somehow find a YouTube video of me attempting the sit and reach, I'm sure it would break the record for hits. The best way to explain how it looks, is to picture a Panda Bear trying to give itself oral.

(Jonno, how about a little help here?)

Mr. Adonis's next test was to check my heart rate. He had me speed walk on a treadmill for about ten minutes. At this point, I thinking this was my time to shine. I jog two miles 4-5 times a week. So I figured I would pass this test with flying colors. No dice, I got a bad score on that too. I'll blame it on the after effects of the sit and reach. So then Mr. Adonis gave me my summary. He said right now I have the health of a 32-year-old, which is four years older than my current age. He said ideally he wants me to have the health of a 19 year-old. At this moment, I felt like I was on the Biggest Loser where that creepy doctor with a lisp, makes all the fat people cry when he tells them how unhealthy they are. But really who wants to be a 19 year old? I could see maybe 22 or 23. But 19? Does that mean I also have to go back to using my Delaware fake Driver's License too? By the way, Dover is the capital of Delaware. That's a good thing to know in case you have a fake ID from Delaware and a bouncer asks that. In summary, I don't want to be 32 nor do I want to be the young age of 19. I would like to be the age that I'm currently at. I would also like to do the sit and reach with more ease. And I'm sure Panda Bears would like to give themselves oral with more ease. Panda Bears... Let's work together on this. With hard work and determination, we can do it!

Other McNuggets...(I saw a woman eating a 10 piece McNugget at a food court recently. And I strongly debated punching her and stealing them. I did not because I against Female and McNugget abuse.)

-This Letterman stuff is crazy. The more and more I hear about, it just gets wackier and wackier. I'm usually not surprised when I hear somebody famous cheating. But I admit, with Letterman I was surprised. Given, that he is one of the most private celebrities out there. You never ever hear a peep about him nor see a picture of him. When I found out that the person he was having an affair with was Stephanie Birkitt, the PA/Intern who was was constantly on the show. Whenever, I was watching Letterman and saw her on there, I always found it curious as to why she was always on the show. And obviously now it all makes sense. Mr. Letterman, I think you're one of the funniest people in history, but how dumb can you be? To constantly showcasw the person you're sleeping with on the show, when you never had another PA/Intern on there. Isn't that a little suspicious? In other talks show news, it's being reported that Jimmy Kimmel is dating the head writer. What's going on here with all these talk show hosts being pimps? Is Oprah the only one that doesn't get laid? Come on, we all know Stedman bats for the other team.

-I went to go see "Zombieland" the other day. The movie was alright, it was bit gruesome at times but entertaining. One problem with seeing a R rated Zombie movies are the trailers. I am a big fat wuss. I do not handle scary movies well at all. So I'm watching this one trailer, it starts off kind of peaceful. This pregnant young woman and her husband are at some rural diner. A nice old lady approaches the pregnant woman. And she politely asks, "Are you pregnant" And the woman replies, "Yes I am." The old lady then says, "Oh that's nice." So I'm thinking, okay maybe this isn't a scary movie and instead something nice and calm . Then out of nowhere, the Old lady says in a devilish voice, "You're baby is going to burn!" and then tries to take a bite out of the pregnant woman. I literally almost jumped out of my seat. I strongly debated running to my car and hiding underneath it, while I sucked my thumb. But good God that was frightening. So thinking I was done with the scariest trailer, the next one was the new Freddy Kreuger movie. I said a Mother F'er under my breath and stared at the ground until it was over. Note to self: Only go to G-Rated movies or don't enter the theater until the trailers are done.

-People in Chicago have no idea how lucky they are that the Olympics did not come here. I couldn't believe how disappointed everybody was when they found out news. It was as if some monumental person died or something. Do they realize what it would've been like? Ridiculous crowds of people, horrible traffic, threats to the public's safety etc... Wait a second, Chicago already has all of those things. Never mind.

-So I hear Russell Brand and Katy Perry are an item now. I'm sure Mr. Brand is dating her after reading one of my previous entries, where I discussed how Ms. Perry's attractiveness is very underrated. So he wanted to beat me to her. I get that. I am threatening figure. But let's be realistic here... I give this a few months, tops. And Katy when you need to somebody to be there for you after a difficult break-up, I'm only 101 feet away. (The Restraining Order stated I couldn't be within 100 feet)

-Speaking of stalking... I am the only one who is getting harassed by Micah Carter in my gmail? Micah Carter I have no idea who the hell you are, but you have to be the most annoying individual on the planet. Because you literally send me a spam e-mail daily. And they're always personalized too, like we're best buds or something. Micah I don't know you and frankly don't want to know you. Maybe you can wine and dine me sometime and change my mind. But as of right now, leave me the hell alone! Geez, now I know how Katy Perry feels.

-I like greasy food just as much as the next guy. But I have to admit, when I heard about the Krispy Kreme's "Craz-E Burger" it made me nauseous. The Craz-E Burger contains a beef patty, two strips of bacon, melty gooey cheese, and sandwiched between two glazed donuts. The sandwich contains 1,500 calories. I mean who in their right mind would want to eat that? Instead of using weapons and guns on people. I say you give them a Craz-E Burger if you want to kill them. That way it's less violent and dangerous. Hey Micah Carter.... How about a Crazy-E Burger? It's on the house.
(At least it's Kosher)

-I must say I'm very excited about the return of the Real World/Road Rule challenge "The Ruins". That's right. You heard me. I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't know what it is, but that show entertains the shit out of me. And recently I discovered that the veteran Brad(Real World San Diego) works out at my gym. When I saw him I almost screamed like a little school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. But I was able to contain myself. There's no need to have two restraining orders against me. Instead, I just went up to him and asked if he could spot me in the shower.

I'm Out!

1 comment:

Food Girl said...

Wow Mr. Panda how will you contain yourself at the gym when you're lifting weights next to Brad from Road Rules?! It might be too much to handle. You could always ask him out for one of those delicious looking doughnut sandwiches after your workout...