Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Do You Want Me To Be Honest With You?

I've come to the realization that the worst thing to hear somebody say is "Do you want me to be honest with you?" Whether it was from a girlfriend, a person's response to a script I wrote, or a manatee(I had to put something random in there), I've only heard horrible things come from those words. Well it happened again last week, when I could sense something was going on at work. So I went into my Supervisor's office to find out what the dillio was? (Has anybody said that word dillio since 1993?) The Supervisor says the famous words, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" At that point, I should've just ran out of the room and hid underneath my desk, while I sucked my thumb. Because I knew it was going to be something horrible. It's not like somebody would ever say to you, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" And then follows it with, "God you are the most amazing person in the world." So after the Supervisor says those words to me, I of course nodded and prepared to brace myself. And he then says, "Your last day is Friday." Mother F'er! I knew it! I really think we need to reconsider those words in the English Language and substitute them with "Are you ready to hear some really shitty stuff that's going to make you feel like crap?"

Other McNuggets(Chicken Select Strips? What an insult to the McNugget family!)

-Earlier this week was the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the wonderful holiday where we get to starve ourselves for 24 hours. Don't be jealous, I know it beats the hell out of happy Christmas songs and Easter Egg hunts. Anyways, if you know anything about me... It's that I'm a fan of eating. So I'm sitting in Temple a bit tense and bothered, since all I can think of is a Gordita from Taco Bell.
(Come on, eat me Jonno. You know you want to.)

For some reason whenever I'm hungry, my brain always turns to Taco Bell. And then when I finally get it, I'm like this really isn't that good. But then a few months later, I crave it again. It's the weirdest thing. Anyway, I'm sitting at Temple and it's the part of the service where the Rabbi gives his sermon. This is usually, where I space out big time and think about Jonno's Happy Place (Muppets, rainbow sprinkles, breasts, and now Gorditas) The sermon is about the recession. Shocker. Strangely, the Rabbi starts telling recession jokes. His first one was "The recession is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail." Everybody laughs and I'm thinking okay he started off with a joke and that would be it. But no I was totally wrong. The Rabbi goes into a series of recession jokes. I felt like I was at Giggles Comedy Club and was waiting for Gilbert Gottfriend to come out and start yelling at us. His next joke was, "It's so bad, McDonalds is now introducing the 1/4-Ouncer" Everybody in the Temple is cracking up and practically falling off their chairs. I figured he would be done, but he wasn't. He finally closed with, "The economy is so bad that parents in Beverly Hills are considering raising their own children." I know the Rabbi was trying to give us some humor to take a break from the boredom and the fasting, but it just seemed awkward and out of place. Do you want me to be honest with you Rabbi? You stink at comedy.

-I was helping my sister move this past weekend. Okay, maybe I wasn't really helping. I was more just staring, scratching my ass, and picking my nose. But anyway, being a professional mover has to be one of the worst jobs out there. You have to lift heavy shit all day. And it's not like you have to do it once and you're done. You have to carry it again, into the new place that the customer is moving into. God, I would be brutally bad at that job. Another job that I would be bad at would be a Taxi Driver. I've always hated driving, when there are strangers in the car. To add on to that, I would also be a bad stripper. For one thing, I'm not that flexible. I never did good with the sit and reach in gym class. And if you want me to be honest with you, I'm much more attractive clothed than naked.

-Fantasy Football has really turned me into a bitter, angry, old man. It's totally ruined any enjoyment of watching football games. I hardly ever watch the actual game, instead all I do is stare is at the stat ticker at the bottom of the screen. And I don't really ever say anything, all I do is just sit there with a scowl on my face. It's almost like I have somehow morphed into Clint Eastwood from "Gran Torino."
(Aaron Rodgers throw a friggin TD and get off my lawn!)

-I think I finally found a new funny show on network television. Yes people, I just said network television. It's called "Modern Family". It's like a mix between "The Office" and the movie "Parenthood". I've seen the first two episodes and I've actually laughed out loud. Which is a rare occurrence for me. I think the last time I laughed during a TV show, was "ALF". Why can't they make shows like that anymore? God, I miss that little furry guy.

-So I joined a new gym recently. Yeah that's right, you heard me. Got a problem with that? Look at me, I've already turned into a meathead. I never realized how big of a commitment it is. It's almost like I'm entering a one year relationship with somebody. Except there's no comfortable, constant sex. Unless, I meet a nice gent in the shower. Can you say soap chase? Apparently part of the deal of joining a gym, is that you have to do a physical assessment with one of the trainers. And I already know what they're going to tell me. "Do you want me to be honest with you?" I nod yes. "You should just cancel your membership because there's really no way we can help you."

I'm Out!

1 comment:

Food Girl said...

Can I be honest with you? I thought this bog was hilarious! You had me chuckling as I read. Seriously I think you should consider a career in writing jokes for your Rabbi's sermon...the ones he gave sounded totally corny (but of course I would think those are funny)