Monday, July 22, 2013

The Awkward House Crashers

Recently, I received an email from a woman inviting me to an alumni event for an organization. I had met this woman once before and wasn’t sure if she had actually intended to send me this email since I was not a member or alumni of the organization. 

I was planning on ignoring the email, until I saw the event was being hosted at the home of Alex Kurtzman, one of the biggest screenwriters in the industry. Kurtzman and his writing partner are responsible for the Star Trek and Transformers franchises and a plethora of other blockbusters. 

So I thought maybe I should give it a shot? When else am I going to be able to schoomze at an A-List screenwriter's house. Maybe we could hit it off and he'd want to give me a gig on his next film.

I could be Chris Pine's fluffer in Star Trek 3.

I sent the woman an email to RSVP and with my response made sure it was cool for the wife and I to attend the event without being alumni of said organization.

Jonno: Hello, my wife and I were interested in attending. Is this only for current members and alumni?

Woman(her reply): Your wife is welcome to attend with you. Can you pass along her name? I will add her to the list. Look forward to seeing you.

Given that information, the wife and I got dolled up and made the drive out to Santa Monica for the event. The home was of course beautiful and a few steps away from the beach. We are greeted when we walk in, found our name cards and headed over to the backyard where the event was taking place. The backyard featured the coolest tree house I have ever seen, nicely set tables, tasty hors d'eouvres and a bartender serving beverages. Despite the great scenery, the wife and I were still concerned that we would be the only outsiders at the event.  

Right away a woman introduces us and I see from her name tag it’s the screenwriter’s wife. I make a few jokes about the tree house and instead of being repulsed she is laughing along. I’m thinking this is absolutely perfect! When she introduces me to her husband, I’ll be introduced as the “ridiculously good-looking, funny guy.” Okay maybe the ridiculosuly good-looking part might be a stretch. Can we at least agree I'm semi-good looking with decent lighting? 

While we are waiting in line for a drink, I see the woman who had sent me the email. I say hello to her and can immediately sense she has no idea who I am. I try to explain to where we met and it’s still not resonating.  I'm not sure why this always happens to me. I remember meeting people, but they can never remember meeting me. What's going with all of you? What about me is not friggin memorable?!  (Sorry had to vent there for a second.) I'm back.

The wife gets a little nervous from the awkward interaction and says to her, “Thanks again for inviting us to this great event even though were not members.”

The woman’s face turns to complete and utter shock.

“Oh God, I think I made a big mistake. Uhh… Why don’t we go talk somewhere else,” she says.

The woman was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone else in attendance to hear our conversation. So we move to another location to chat. A location of course that was closer to the exit. 

“Yeah, I’m really sorry, but I think I made a mistake. You could stay if you want, but it might be really awkward for you,” she says.

Hello McFly? How come you didn’t mention this in our email convo, when I blatantly said we weren’t current members or alumni? When I politely brought it to her attention, the woman didn’t really have a response. My guess is that she thought I was a different Jon Cohen, when she sent me the original email. Despite giving us the option to say, I got the vibe she really wanted us to leave. So after being there for a little over five minutes the wife and I headed out.

Given this is not the first time someone has gotten me mixed out up with another Jon Cohen, I’m thinking its time I changed my name to something more original. 

Yours Truly,

McNuggets Cohen (And a great segue if I may add)  

1. I was walking back to my car and saw a white string hanging from the bottom of my car. As I reached for the string, my hand became smothered in slimy and mucusy snot. Just wanted to make you aware in case you see me and my hand looks like this...

There goes my hand modeling career

2. Speaking of stupid incidents, the other night I lost my balance walking down the stairs at my home. If someone would have filmed it, I would be just as famous as the crushing/groaning grapes lady.

3. I recently had two dreams back-to-back where a Trader Joe's employee threatened to beat my ass. So I was wondering, does anyone know of any good deals at Whole Foods?   

4. I highly recommend seeing the film "The Way Way Back." It was a fantastic coming of age story that had me smiling the whole way through. It's a shame the film industry is a steaming pile of crap and doesn't make movies like this anymore. (Except of course any of Alex Kurtzman's films) 

5. I'm thinking about learning another language. Not because I have a desire to enrich my own knowledge, but so that I can talk extremely loud in public places.

6. When it comes to photo comments on Facebook, it appears some of us are throwing around "gorgeous" a little too loosely. Let's all be honest and not mislead people. Thank you for your time.