Harold, Kumar and Jonno go to Subway

It was a Friday afternoon at 2:30pm and I was starving. I had barely eaten breakfast and was too busy with appointments/errands to have eaten lunch. I was determined to get Subway because the previous night I saw a Subway commercial about celebrating customer appreciation month. During this special month, Subway was offering their 6-inch meatball and a cold cut combo subs for $2 a piece. Even though I have no idea if they use actual meatballs or what a cold cut combo is, a $4 meal was too good to pass up for a cheap fat kid such as myself.

Because I live in LA I drove around for a good 15-20 minutes tying to find a parking spot. I finally found a spot that was a bit of a hike from Subway, but I was too hungry to care. As I waddled over to Subway, I could see the glorious sign with the mustard yellow colors. (Hmm… Mustard…) Right as I approach the door, I hear somebody yell out to me “Are you Jewish?”

I turned around to see two young Jewish Orthodox men in their early 20s. Now this question is bit of a tough dilemma here. I mean, yes I am Jewish and more than willing to admit it as long as I’m not surrounded by Mel Gibson and the Aryan Nation.

At the same time, I knew if I answered "yes" there was going to be follow-up questions that would lead to prolonging my Subway consumption. A part of me wanted to say no, but then of course the Jewish guilt kicked in and all I could think was the bad karma that comes from denying your own religion. As most of you know from reading this blog, I already have enough bad luck as it is and can’t really handle anymore.

I then reply “yes” to the young Jewish Orthodox male. He asks, "Have you ever done Tefillin before?” What the heck is going on here? Are we playing a game of 20 Questions: Jewish annoying edition?

Jewish lesson of the day: Tefillin are a set of small black leather boxes containing scrolls of parchment inscribed with verses from the Torah and are worn by observant Jews during weekday morning prayers. (Source: Wikipedia because I also have no idea what it is.)  

I answer truthfully and tell them “no”, but before I can even explain to them I’m in a bit of rush and desperately hungry… The two young Orthodox men practically tackle me, place a yarmulke on my head and wrap this leather strap on my arm. They then have me repeat a Jewish prayer as all of this is going on. 

Let me remind you this is taking place on Beverly Dr., one of the busiest streets in Beverly Hills. So I am getting several stares and odd looks from people. I’m not exactly sure why the two Orthodox young men couldn’t have found a more secluded place like where most rapes and muggings occur.

They then place the Tefillin on my head (small leather box) and have me recite another prayer. At this point, I’m ready scream and convert to becoming a Muslim. I mean how much longer was this going to take? Subway was calling my name and it was customer appreciation month! And it was about God damn time I got appreciated! 

Finally the Tefillin prayer comes to an end and the Orthodox young men were filled with joy to share this religious experience with me. I also could not be happier because I finally have a chance to sink my teeth into a meatball sub. Not so fast… The Orthodox young men wanted to take a picture with me. At this point, I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher or some lame ass celebrity to tell me I’ve been “Punked.”  

The two of us will be naked and just wearing Tefillin on the cover of next month's issue of "PlayJew"

I must say I was extremely moved from my first Tefillin experience and felt closer to God. Unfortunately, I was not moved enough because 30 seconds later I inhaled a meatball and cold cut combo sub which are both non-kosher according to Jewish dietary rules. Sorry God, but food comes first. 

Speaking of more delicious non-kosher food, how about a 6-piece McNugget?

1. Whoever created the scrumptious Trader Joes guacamole made out of Greek yogurt (50% less fat) deserves to be put on Jonno’s Mount Rushmore with Jim Henson, the first pair of large breasts and Dave Grohl. 

2. To the person that stole my North Face jacket at the bowling alley, I hope you enjoy the 10 years of very little career success and lack of women I had from wearing it.

3. When the highlight of your week is watching "The Real Word Challenge", you might have taken some wrong turns in your life.  

4. Somehow the movie “Face-Off” was the best movie when I was 16 years old, but has now turned into the worst movie at 31 years old.

If they ever made a sequel, "Toupee/Off" would be an appropriate title.

 5. My top three distractions to writing…

•  Facebook/Twitter
•  Masturbation
•  Guilt of masturbation

6. Remember this day in history because it is this many days after 12/12/12. I seriously think all of us need to get a life. Including me.   

H.A.K.A.S.  

Home Improvement

Look people, I’m aware I have many flaws. One of my most frustrating weaknesses is that I’m the least handy person in the world. Maybe I’m too dumb? Too uncoordinated? Too Jewish? Whatever the case is, I just don’t have a brain for it. 

Whenever a small thing goes wrong in my apartment, I have to call my landlord’s son, Mario, to fix it. He’s in his early 50s, a good guy and appreciates me as a loyal tenant. But I can tell he’s starting to get annoyed that I’m bothering him for the most mundane issues. For example, a few weeks ago my towel rack fell off in the bathroom and I had to call him to fix it. After that incident I was hoping nothing else would fall apart in the next few months to save whatever dignity I had left.

Unfortunately, my wish did not come true and the the light went out in the kitchen. Now this would normally not be a big deal because changing light bulbs is one of the few things I can actually do. The issue is that the light bulbs in the kitchen are enclosed in a glass circular bowl that can be difficult to get off. At least for me…

Last year the lights went out in another room that had the same glass bowl. I tried to be proactive and remove the glass bowl myself and ended up taking down the whole light fixture and wires were left dangling from the ceiling. Given that experience, I was a bit timid to change the kitchen lights. At the same time, I was also hesitant to call Mario and bother him. I have this inkling that whenever he sees my name pop up on his caller ID he shouts out obscenities.

I get on my little step stool to take down off the glass bowl and wasn’t having much luck. If I went any further I could tell the same thing was going to happen. With no other choice I called Mario and this is how it went down…

Me: (Cheery) Hey Mario, how’s it going? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

Mario: (A bit gloomy) It was fine. Thanks.

Me: That’s good. I’m sorry to bother you, but the lights went out in the kitchen and if you remember last time I had some trouble with that same light by the bathroom. There’s no rush though, just whenever you’re visiting your parents again.

Mario: I’ll take care of it. Thanks. 

I could tell Mario was irritated by me. It gave me the same unsettling feeling you get when a parent is disappointed in you. I wanted to prove to Mario that I wasn’t a sissy little bitch and was able to change my own light bulbs even if they were enclosed in some random glass bowl.

I got back on the step stool to face the behemoth. I felt like a hunter going into a African jungle to murder his first lion or whatever it is they kill. Underneath the glass bowl was a tiny little screw. The few brain particles I do have helped me realize that the screw could be the pathway to the light bulbs. 

I turned it to the left because I'll never forget when I was younger my dad yelling at me "Left is to loosen for God's sake!" So I turned it a few times... And a little more... My instincts kick in and tell me to turn the glass bowl simultaneously as I'm turning the screw...  And then BOOM! The glass bowl comes off and I belt out a thunderous scream. 

 It felt like I had just won a gold medal in the Olympics. Alright, maybe more like the Special Olympics. In any case, here is the end result... 

How would you like to wake up to this face every morning?

If there is anything I took away from this experience, besides that I'm borderline mentally challenged... It's that you need to attack your obstacles, not avoid them. Because there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Get it? Because you know I replaced the... Okay, I'll stop.

It's the holidays and I'm in the giving mood... So how about a 12-piece McNugget?  

1. I saw the film “Silver Linings Playbook” all I could think was… “God, I bet Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence banged a lot on the set.” 

2. Speaking of hooking up... How come the opposite sex puts more clothes on me instead of taking them off?   

3. God, I’m so way behind on my leftovers… I just finished Thanksgiving 2009.  

4.  Speaking of Thanksgiving eating... After trying on my jeans recently, I feel like I could probably star as Shakira’s body double in “These Hips Don’t Lie” music video. 

5.  In Phillip Seymour Hoffman's next movie, he should just yell and scream for 90 minutes. I would totally go see that. 

Loud Noises!

6. It should be mandatory to give somebody a virus on their computer when they post on Facebook “Life is Good.”

7. Another reason to get a virus on your computer… Is if you’re still posting wedding photos on Facebook a year after the actual wedding. 

8.Twitter is very similar to the vagina... No matter how much I play with it, I'll never fully understand it. 

9. After seeing that ABC's Friday night line-up consists of shows starring Tim Allen and Reba McIntyre… I feel like their advertising slogan should be “We’ll make you feel like you’re reliving the 90s”

10. Bruno Mars “Locked Out of Heaven” is one of those songs I totally love now, but will despise in three months. (A.K.A. “Some Nights” by Fun)

11. "Two and a Half Men" should enlist Angus T. Jones into a scared straight program where  he goes to "Sesame Street" and hangs out with Elmo for a week.
  
12. I don’t know about you guys, but this has been the most exciting NHL season in history.

H.A.K.A.S

Finding Love at the Coffee Bean

Throughout our history bars, clubs, parties and other social spots have been the typical places to pick-up on women. Another place you can now add to that list is the Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. Why you may ask?   

The other day I was working on some writing at this establishment. To my right I noticed this Israeli gentleman with a thick accent hitting on these two WASPy women who were taking a coffee break from their catering gig. Given that I have the tendency to be a bit nosy like a Yenta, I took off my headphones to watch this gentleman work his magic. 

Jonno at the Coffee Bean

To my dismay it was more painful to watch than it was enjoyable. The girls did not seem overly responsive to his random questions. One of the girls at least acknowledged his existence so he began to focus on her. As she was getting ready to leave he asked for her digits, but she asked for his number instead. In other words, the Israeli gentleman will never hear from this girl again.

Despite the rejection, I was in awe of his persistence and dedication. Twenty minutes later I noticed him chatting it up with a blonde outside on the patio. I knew at that moment, I had to introduce myself and learn this man’s life story. Unfortunately, since I have a penis he refused to talk to me.

A few days ago at the same Coffee Bean, I witnessed a similar interaction that blew my mind. It was so good that I decided to transcribe it for you in screenplay format.           

INT. COFFEE BEAN – DAY

An ATTRACTIVE GIRL, early 20s, puts sugar into her coffee. A PREPPY DUDE, late 30s, walks up to her and makes a little small talk. They share a laugh.

PREPPY DUDE: So what brings you here?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh, I’m just meeting with a friend of mine.

PREPPY DUDE: That’s cool. Very cool.

Awkward silence.

PREPPY DUDE: You know you should come to this party I’m having this weekend. It’s actually a charity party. (Question: Do charity parties even exist?)  

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh… Okay.

PREPPY DUDE: Here, I’ll give you my number and you can text me yours back. 

Preppy Dude forcefully tells the girl his digits as she types it into her phone.

PREPPY DUDE: Cool. It should definitely be a good time.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Sounds good.

PREPPY DUDE: By the way, how old are you?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: 17.

Preppy Dude’s calm look turns to shock.

PREPPY DUDE: Oh God, don’t call me. Yeah really, don’t call me.    

Preppy Dude embarrassingly walks away, while Jonno bursts out in laughter. 

END OF SCENE

You know what time it is? I think you know... Because it's time for a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I find it alarming that our country’s biggest issue is being ignored in these presidential debates… How to stop our parents from joining social media sites.  

2. Speaking of these debates, does the fact that I still own a trapper keeper of grade school female crushes make me a viable candidate for the 2016 presidential election?

3. Ben Affleck did such an outstanding job with “Argo” I feel I owe it to him to sit through “Gigli."

4. My favorite part of Taylor’s Swift’s new song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is that it reinforces I still have a chance with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So you're saying there's a chance...

5. Whenever I fly Virgin Airlines, I feel like I've just been cast in a 70s porn film.   

6. If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to trick her into thinking that's after she turns 17 her age stays the same for rest of her life.


H.A.K.A.S

When Jonno Met Kimmel

Recently the lady and I attended a foodie charity function at Culver Studios. The event featured some of the top chefs in the country and was for a great cause, Alex’s Lemonade Stand.  When I first heard about the ticket price for the event, I practically fainted. Then I read a little more about it and saw that my idol Jimmy Kimmel was the emcee for the festivities. I rationalized the price and told myself it would ultimately benefit both of us from a networking perspective and if money was an issue I could always go back to stripping on the weekends. (I just hope the Jewish retirement home will take me back after the last incident.)  

At the event I saw Kimmel right away and his producer friend. Ironically, I was interviewing with his producer friend the following week. Bonus! I waddled up to his friend and quickly introduced myself. I then gave them their space because I was hopeful there would be another opportunity with Kimmel later in the day. 

The food at the event was phenomenal. The best part was that you didn’t have to wait in long lines for the tastings. At the same time maybe this wasn’t such a good thing, because after 45 minutes of stuffing my face in the heat, I felt extremely sick. To read more about the scrumptious food at the event, check out my lady’s blog here.

The item that put me over the top was “Top Chef “season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio’s dish. He made a breaded chicken dish served in oyster shells on top of a bed of salt rocks. When I took a bite some of the salt rocks stuck to the chicken. Being the idiot that I am, I figured the salt rocks were part of the dish and ate two of them. Remember doing beer bongs in college? Well I felt like I had just done a salt water bong and immediately turned green and thought I was going to vomit. Fortunately, my inner fat kid called me a "puss" and I powered through by eating a fried chicken leg and some desserts.

Some of the other celebs at the event were Laura Dern, Jason Ritter, Lena Dunham, Allison Williams (Brian William’s daughter), Timothy Olyphant, Phil Rosenthal (Creator of “Every Loves Raymond”), Jim O’Heir (Jerry from “Parks and Recreation”), Harold Perrineau (Michael from “Lost”) and musician Michelle Branch. I chatted with Jason Ritter a little bit and he was an extremely down-to-earth guy and Jim O’Heir could not have been friendlier or sweatier.

When I spoke with Lena Dunham, I attempted to impress her with my witty sense of humor.

Jonno awkwardly taps Lena Dunham on the shoulder.

Jonno: I just have to say as a 31-year-old Jewish male, I can’t thank you enough for empowering women and helping them embrace their sexuality.

Crickets. Lena Dunham stares at Jonno blankly.

Lena Dunham: Oh, thanks.

Despite bombing horribly in front of her, she was still gracious enough to take a picture with me.

Promoting getting peed on in the shower awareness

Later in the day, I saw my opportunity to chat with the one and only, Jimmy Kimmel. After I introduced myself, I said something overly cliché to him about being a fan. He was able to recognize me right away from earlier in the morning and started laughing.

“You better run for the hills” said Kimmel. “Run as far away possible.”

Kimmel was referring to his producer friend, who I guess has the reputation of being a little demanding. I can’t remember exactly what I replied because it was such a surreal experience. I watch Kimmel every night on television and here I was sharing a laugh with him. The best part about him is that he has the same charismatic personality that he displays on television. Unbeknownst to me the lady was wise enough to take the perfect action shot as I was talking to him.

Love at first sight

Despite the ridiculously priced ticket, the scorching heat, and that fact that I almost overdosed on salt, I am extremely pleased to have attended the event and am looking forward to heading back next year. Now if I can only figure out how to deal with the restraining order Kimmel has against me... 

Do you smell what I smell? Oh yeah, it’s a 6-piece McNugget:

 

1. I don’t know if you heard the news already, but I have been cast to star opposite Larry David in “Looper 2: Oy! How dare you double-dip my chip!”

2. Speaking of Seinfeld, I recently saw Jason Alexander when he hosted an event at the Hollywood Bowl and was very upset to see this…

George Costanza having hair is equivalent to Bill Cosby changing his pigment to become white.

3. I'm beginning to question my masculinity after I walked by a squirrel the other day and it didn't run away or even flinch. All it did was laugh and throw a pine cone at me.

4. The second my parents tell me they have their own web series, I'm going to drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise style. 

5. I’m really bummed about how my lemonade stand is struggling. Apparently nobody wants to buy the goods from a 31-year-old male who isn’t wearing pants.

6. Can we please stop with the horribly scary movie trailers whenever I see a rated-R film in the theaters? The price of the ticket is expensive enough, so the last thing I need to do is buy new pants after soiling myself. (See the above nugget for more proof). 

H.A.K.A.S

Remembering 9/11

Given this week is the 11^th anniversary of 9/11 I thought I would share a story of how I first heard the tragic news. 

It was the beginning of my junior year at Indiana University. Over the summer I had made an effort to lift weights and get a little leaner in an attempt to lure the ladies. There was this girl I was smitten with in my 9:30am Telecom class. I had met her the year before working on a group project together and wanted to ask her out. 

Since I was a bit of timid wuss, I figured I would wait a little bit and develop more of a rapport with her.  Good thinking Jonno, wait for something to develop while you’re in the one time in your life where girls are exploring their sexuality and have low morals. 

Jonno's college sex life

It was Tuesday, September 11, 2001 and Jonno was going to make his move. I had an 8am class, followed by my 9:30am Telecom class with the gal. (Brilliant scheduling by me)

In the 8am class, nobody knew anything about the attacks even though the first tower had already been hit. 

I waddled to my 9:30 class and got myself mentally prepared to ask my crush out. I walked into class and saw my teacher sitting down with other classmates glued to the room’s television. There was dead silence as they watched the live coverage on NBC. I could tell it was a bad situation, but at that point, I didn’t fully know the severity of it. A few moments later, the girl sits down next to me and also focuses on the television.

In hindsight, I realize how ignorant this was of me, but I was completely focused on asking her out. For some reason I had it in my head that this was the moment to do it. As she watched the news, she began to freak out a little bit. Most of the people were watching it quietly, but she kept on repeating, “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

At this point I knew there was no way possible I could make a move. I mean, even John Mayer would throw in the towel in a situation like this. Plus, it wasn’t like I would never see her again. I figured I would just take care of business the next week.

Well that never happened, because I never saw her again. She apparently dropped out the class or stopped going. Jonno had lost his opportunity.

Fortunately I don’t have to blame the terrorists for my love life because I have a wonderful 

woman by my side. But, if there is anything to take away from this story, it’s that you should go after every opportunity in life because you never know how long it will last.  (Also, try and hook up as much as you can in college.) 

How about we turn it up a notch for a 9-piece McNugget!

1) I was playing flag football the other day and ten minutes into the game this gentleman steps in a mud puddle and it splatters all over my face to make me look like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart.” I really should just stick to fantasy football.

2) Speaking of fantasy football, if I could go back in time the first thing I would do is re-draft my fantasy team.

3)  When I look back at the career of Michael Clarke Duncan, I realize the movie "A Night at the Roxbury" would not have been the same without his role as bouncer #1.

4) Why is it whenever I listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast, I feel like he is trying to seduce me?  

5) Whenever I see a dude open a car door for his woman, I immediately assume he has not had intercourse with her.

6) When I was teaching my parents how to copy and paste on the computer, it felt like I was teaching a chimp how to do sign language. 

This probably would have been a lot easier and more enjoyable.

7) One of the positives to summer ending is that I won't have to use my excuse of being allergic to the sun for wearing a t-shirt at pool and beach parties. 

8)  If I'm talking to somebody at a party and they use the word "equity", I will immediately tune out of the conversation.

9) Party Tip: If you're bringing boneless buffalo wings to a party, it's not the best idea to eat five of them in your car without drinking anything. Or else you’ll have the hiccups for the duration of the party and receive odd looks from people.    

H.A.K.A.S.

Neighbors

I'm not an overly religious or spiritual man, but it states in the Bible eight different times to love our neighbors. As much as I try to obey God's request, the issue is that neighbors are just too darn annoying and irritating to love.

Come and follow me, as I take you on a journey of getting to know two of Jonno's lovely neighbors.

Max: late 40s/early 50s, Persian, male, unemployed and lives with his friendly wife. Max is an extremely nice and sweet human being, but unfortunately he is always around. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, if I’m leaving or returning. Max is always there, smoking a cigarette. He has the tendency to ask the most random questions and requests. Here are some of Max’s greatest hits:

·       One day Max told me I have a beautiful voice. I looked at him perplexed because I had no idea what he was talking about. He then pointed to my shower window and explained he enjoyed listening to me sing. Maybe my dream of being a member of the boy band One Direction isn't so far fetched after all?  

·        Staying on the shower subject, I was listening to music as I showered the other day. I could sense something around me, and as I turned around I saw Max staring at me through my shower window. After he took in a few seconds of me naked, he requested that I turn down the music.

Can you blame Max?

 

 

·      Max wondered why he wasn’t seeing me bring girls back to my place. He explained that I need to be taking more advantage while I’m younger and in my sexual peak.  

·        While I’m in the kitchen cooking food or washing dishes, Max enjoys talking to me through my window. Not only is it annoying, but it feels like I’m talking to somebody in a jail cell.

·       I forgot what holiday it was, but Max gave me a kiss on the cheek. Despite it feeling hairy and wet, I could tell he is a good kisser.

·      One night I heard a baby crying next to my parking spot. It was dark out and I didn’t know where it was coming from. I thought the one man who is always home and never leaves could help me in this desperate situation. I knocked on Max's door and of course he was nowhere to be seen. 

Loud Hipster: early 20s, short, scrawny, thinks he is way too cool for school and lives above me. Before the loud hipster was this quiet and considerate girl who's last name was "Alf." (Probably the best last name known to mankind) When the loud hipster move in, I could sense he reeked of somebody who would be trouble. The thing I don't understand is that the kid probably weighs 160-170 pounds, but sounds like Bigfoot when he walks around in his apartment above me.




Is it just me or did anybody else find "Harry and the Hendersons" frightening as a child?

Every time the loud hipster is ready to leave, it sounds like there is an earthquake about to erupt. And for some reason he can’t just go downstairs slow and quietly, he races down the steps like his feet are on fire. In addition he always seems to return home late at night, so little poor baby Jonno gets woken up from his beauty sleep.

The worst incident came on a Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am. Of course it had to happen a night when I had to wake up at 7am for the first day of filming of my hilarious web series “Howard Gets an Interview." (Shameless plug). I was sound asleep and suddenly woken up by a thunderous “boom." I didn’t know what the heck it was and then the “boom” happened again. This time the sound was so loud it shook the walls of my apartment. After putting two and two together, I realized the loud hipster had locked himself out after a night of drinking. Instead of crashing at a friend’s place, the rocket scientist had the bright idea to try and kick his door in.

I could hear him grunting each time he wound up for another blow to his door. I thought about saying something, but realized I wouldn’t get anywhere with an obliterated individual. I then heard him crying and shouting “I just wanna go home!” I was unfortunately too tired and pissed off to enjoy the comedy. Finally he gave up and ran down the stairs. Right as I thanked God that the drunken loud hipster storm had passed over, he gets a second wind and runs back up the stairs. After another 10 minutes of booming kicks the loud hipster stopped for good and went somewhere else to cry like a baby.

The incident could have been a lot worse, if it wasn't for my neighbor Max spooning me in bed and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I don't know what is, but he just makes me feel safe. 



H.A.K.A.S

Jonno The Dark Knight

This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing the “The Dark Knight Rises.” All I can say is what a movie! From the first minute on I was hooked and caught up in the story. That’s saying a lot given the movie is a 160-minutes long and I have the attention span of a baby chimpanzee. Surprisingly, the star of the movie was not Christian Bale, it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who would have thought the young kid from "3rd Rock From the Sun" would become such a phenomenal actor? If I was a gambling man, I would have put my money on the squinty guy.


Anne Hathaway provided some much needed sass and Tom Hardy's voice was creepy enough to pull off the villain role. Although, I probably need to see it again to understand half of the things he said. I'm not sure what happened to Michael Caine's character, Alfred in the last four years. His character transformed from a butler to a Jewish mother, nagging Bruce Wayne to settle down and find a wife.

 

"Brucie, I know a great girl for you! She's a teacher, great personality and such a cute figure. Are you really going to wear that tie with that wrinkled shirt? Oy!"

Major kudos goes to creative genius, Christopher Nolan for making a satisfying ending to one of the best trilogies in cinematic history. If only more people could make movies like this, it would be a better world.

So, I saw the movie at 4:15 p.m. on a Saturday at the Arclight Dome Theater in Hollywood. For those that don’t know, the Arclight is probably one of the most popular theaters in LA and is right off Sunset Blvd., a highly trafficked street. When I strolled into the theater lobby, I surprisingly did not see any extra security. That might explain why this obese Caucasian male, late 40s/early 50s, wearing all black and carrying a small duffel bag waddled into the theater with 30 minutes left of the movie. He sat in the aisle seat of the last row and immediately everyone looked back to stare at him.

Given the horrible and sickening incident that happened in Colorado, everyone was overly alert and on guard. About three or four people got out of their seats and exited the theater. It was unclear if they were getting security or if they just left because they were scared out of their minds. Right as I thought about getting up to find a theater employee, two security dudes entered the back of the theater. They were literally standing right behind the sketchy dude, but appeared confused. They then began to walk the wrong way, to the other side of the row.

Even though all this was going on during the most pivotal point of the movie, I knew protecting society was more important. I thought to myself "What would Batman do in this situation?"

I got out of my seat, grabbed the security dudes and pointed them to the sketchy man. It was a bit awkward because the sketchy man saw me pointing at him and heard me say "That's the guy!" A few moments later security got him to leave the theater.

As I walked back to my seat, I was hoping for a standing ovation from the theater crowd, for my heroic deed. Instead, I got absolutely no response because they were captivated by the movie. I didn't mind. I realize heroes such as Batman and myself, don't need the recognition or the accolades. As long as the human race feels safe that’s all that truly matters.



To the sketchy man... I apologize for kicking you out of the theater, but you had too many things going against you in the red flag department. Next time you plan to see a movie, I highly suggest you don’t walk in with 30 minutes left, you don’t wear all black, you don’t carry a small duffel bag and you don’t sit in the creepiest seat in the theater. Also, I greatly appreciate that you did not try to attack me when I walked out of the theater.

If any of you would like to send gifts, donations, or baked goods for my heroic efforts, I would be more than happy to send you my contact information.

H.A.K.A.S

A 25-Piece McNugget

I think it's about time we did some McNuggets!

1.After sitting through the movie “That’s My Boy”, the only fair retaliation would be for me to kidnap Adam Sandler and give him a dutch oven for 90 minutes.

2. My mom's description of HBO's "Girls" pilot. "I couldn't believe what I saw. She was having sex from behind and everything!"

3. Lena Dunham is a heck of a talent, but I find it troubling my breasts are bigger than hers.



4. Speaking of breasts, Kate Upton please make some despicable anti-Semitic remark or do something horribly gross that will make me stop obsessing over you.

  I can never stop sharting.

 5. To all the people that attend Farmers Markets... The sliced-up strawberries in the plastic bag are not samples, they are the eaten samples. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way.



6. After reading about the dangers of bath salt, I took a bath with pepper instead and felt a lot safer.

7. Whenever I walk by a women's work-out class, there is always one out-of-shape guy in the back of the room that looks horribly out of place. The unfortunate part is that I'll probably be that guy in a few years.  

 

8. I would like to apologize to all the people who invested in my kids toy idea called the “Tickle Monster.” Just bad timing.

9. I appreciate the respectful communication I'm receiving from strangers, but if you're significantly older than me there's no reason to call me "Sir."    

10. One of the many reasons I hate the Facebook Timeline feature, is that now everyone knows I was fly girl for "In Living Color" in 1991.




11. I'm beginning to think my Mohel made a mistake during my circumcision. I must hunt him down and have a few words with him.


12. Dear band named FUN, give me one more good single and I'm buying your album.  I have to be cautious because I'm still scarred by the purchase of my Crash Test Dummies CD in 1994.

13. Not sure why John Travolta, just didn’t swap faces with Nicolas Cage before he attempted any sexual assaults.



14. And I'm totally shocked that the star of "Grease" and the person who dressed up in drag in "Hairspray" could be a homosexual.



15. Speaking of homosexuals and Scientology... I have a feeling Katie Holmes and Suri had to escape Tom Cruise like Tim Robbin's character escaped prison in "The Shawshank Redemption."    



16.If there is a job out there that requires you to intentionally avoid people you know when you see them in public, please tell me where I can send my resume. 

17. Memo to all drivers and pedestrians in Los Angeles and across America... Yes, I drive a Prius and I'm fully aware it doesn't make any noise. No need to inform me.

18. Does anybody else get this message when they connect their car bluetooth to their cell? Or is it just me? "Hands-Free connection a Success. You are Not"




19. I’ve come to the realization it's nearly impossible for a man to not fart when he is urinating at an airport urinal.

 

20. Why does the number of plastic bags a person carries, increase exponentially as they get older?



21. After seeing the size of Dan Akyroyd recently, I'm beginning to think he ate John Belushi.  

22. When I went to see "Magic Mike" my disguise did not work and I got noticed.

Any better disguise ideas when I go see the Katy Perry 3D movie?

 23. I think Matthew McConaughey feels just as uncomfortable wearing a t-shirt, as I feel going shirtless.

24. Also, thank you Channing Tatum for putting an end to the stereotype that white guys can't dance. That kid can bust a move.

25. I realize I'm not helping the stereotype by saying "bust a move" in the previous nugget.

H.A.K.A.S

The Suit Jacket

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a wedding in Minneapolis with the good old fiancée (FI). The wedding was for a college friend of the FI and I wanted to make a positive impression. To my own surprise, I was able to accomplish it. I had a good buzz going and I was strutting my stuff on the dance floor.

My Perception

My Reality

Despite my lack of dancing skills, I was feeling good that the FI's friends were seeing a fun version of Jonno.It was around midnight and the wedding was coming to an end. The plan was to take a cab with another couple back to the hotel. Earlier in the night I had taken off my suit jacket and left it on the chair at my table. When I had went back to retrieve it, the jacket was gone.

I scanned the table to see if there were any other suit jackets and I noticed one on the opposite side of the room. I picked it up and realized it was somebody else's Hugo Boss jacket with a pink interior. I looked around at the other tables and there were no jackets to be seen. My suit jacket was indeed gone and I began to panic.

The suit I was wearing was fairly new and one that I had gotten tailored for my heavenly shaped physique. I do own one other suit, but it is a bit older and the jacket fits me like the little kid at the end of the movie “Big.” More importantly, I really did not want to spend the money and time to buy a brand new suit.

I was given an index card to fill out with my information in case somebody returned the jacket. Because I was a neurotic drunken mess, I was concerned that I had written the wrong phone number down. I made a big scene in front of everybody for the FI to track down the guy with the card to ensure the info was correct. Now all of the FI's friends were seeing a different and less likable side of Jonno. 

While all of this is going on, the FI’s friend and her husband were waiting for me with the cab.
In a perfect world, it would have been nice if I played it cool when I got in the cab and been like…

“It’s no big deal. It happens all the time. I’m sure I’ll get the jacket back.”

Unfortunately that did not happen and I decided to go this route...

I want my suit jacket back!!!!

For the 20-minute cab ride I had the brilliant idea to not say one single word. They did their best to include me in the conversation and I just sat there stone-faced. To say the very least it was extremely awkward and I did absolutely nothing to help the situation.

When we got back to the hotel room, I acted like a complete ass to the FI. Despite my immature antics, she was gracious enough to text her friend (the bride) about my jacket. The FI had a hunch that this one drunk doofus at our table might have taken the jacket.

Amazingly enough the next morning we got a text from the bride that the drunken doofus did indeed take my jacket by mistake. Apparently, somebody had taken his jacket so he then decided to continue the idiotic trend and take my jacket. I was then given the phone number of the sister to the drunken doofus since he crashed there that night.

I called and texted the number and heard nothing. The problem was that I had to leave for the airport in an hour. I figured the best case scenario was that the drunken doofus would ship me the jacket in a few weeks. Miraculously enough, I got a text back and the sister told me her drunken doofus brother would drop off my jacket in 30 minutes.

I met the drunken doofus in the lobby and he gave me the jacket. It was an awkward exchange because I wasn’t really sure what I should say or if I should shake his hand. Instead he gave a quick “sorry” and left. I looked at my jacket and there was of course some weird spot on there. I didn’t care if the drunken doofus made nice, sweet love to the jacket because I was just happy to finally have it back.



One thing this incident taught me is to never take off my suit jacket at a wedding. I also learned whoever said to "always be yourself" was totally wrong.  

H.A.K.A.S.

The Awkward Proposal

It was a beautiful, sunny Saturday in Malibu and I was a few hours away from proposing to the GF. The plan was to propose some time after dinner on the beach. For some reason the ring box that I had was abnormally big; it looked like I had a sideways erection in my pocket. Fortunately, the GF was holding onto my wallet which helped the situation a bit. Although, I’m still curious how most lads hold onto the box without it getting noticed.Perhaps, I'll do a scientific study one of these days.

I had made reservations at an upscale restaurant, Geoffreys in Malibu, which was next to the ocean. They gave us a nice romantic table off to the side and everything seemed to be going smoothly. The GF even said she saw a dolphin swimming in the ocean; this unfortunately isn’t a normal occurrence at our usual date spot “Sizzler.”

About 45 minutes into our dinner, celebrity power couple Fergie and Josh Duhamel walk in and are seated at the table right behind us. When I saw them I kind of wanted to scream like a little school girl, but I was able to contain myself and politely elbowed the GF instead. Josh Duhamel was so close to me we were practically rubbing our buttocks against each other. 

I gotta feeling... Tonight is going to be an awkward night.

Then a light bulb went off and I thought to myself... “Why don’t I just propose during dinner?”  We were seated by a large family celebrating a college graduation and also a young prom couple, so there was a positive vibe and good energy surrounding us. Plus, Fergie and Josh Duhamel seemed open for a little banter as they chatted with the prom couple. I thought about what a great story it would be if we celebrated our engagement with two A-List celebrities. Plus, my hopes of a beach-side proposal were squelched after our waitress deemed the stairs down to the ocean “off-limits” for diners. 

We had already finished our main course, so I made a quick trip to the bathroom to get myself psyched up. I sat back down and waited for it to get a little quiet. I wasn’t exactly sure how to initiate the proposal as I’m far from being smooth, or a romantic individual. So I turned to the GF and said “I have a question for you…”

As I suavely pulled out the ring box the GF whispered in a panicky urgency “Jon, please don’t propose to me right now. Please! I don’t want to get embarrassed. I’d rather it just be the two of us!”

The gig was up. Apparently the GF had seen the bulge in my pocket when I walked back from the bathroom; I had tried to explain the bulge was from looking at Josh Duhamel, but she didn’t buy it.

I was in complete and utter shock. All I could think was “Are you kidding me?”  I felt like I had just been caught with my pants down right as I was about to urinate and somebody had yelled “STOP!” I didn’t understand how I could start a proposal, pause it and then continue it somewhere else. I thought about going against her wishes and just forcing the proposal on her, but it didn’t feel right. Plus, I wanted to make a good impression on Fergie because I've always felt my true calling was to be a back-up dancer to the Black Eyed Peas.

So our new plan was to drive on the Pacific Coast Highway and find a good place to stop on the beach. I wasn’t happy with this plan, but there weren't any better options. It was around 9pm when we started driving down the PCH and we struggled to find a good place to stop. It was night time and most of the public beach parking lots were closed. Sometimes I would suggest a spot and the GF wouldn’t like it. Then other times she would suggest a spot and I wasn’t big on it or I would stupidly drive past it.

Finally, I had enough and was desperate to get the proposal over with. I knew if this kept on we would eventually do a “Thelma and Louise” and drive off the Santa Monica Pier. I made a decision to pull over to the side of the road and bust out the ring box. Of course I opened the ring box upside down and causing the ring to fall out of its spot. I said some nice things about the GF and finished the now epic proposal. 

It wasn’t the most romantic spot nor was anything executed efficiently, but nonetheless it was a proposal in true Jonno fashion. Honestly in the end, I don't think any of this matters; what does matter is that little Jonno has a good woman on his side, who for some odd reason is willing to put with all of his annoying and irritating idiosyncrasies. God bless her.

My only concern now is that come wedding day she’ll stop me right before I say "I do" and will beg me in front of 200 people to please find a more private spot to do our vows. If it happens again, I’ll go to Plan B and run off with Josh Duhamel.

H.A.K.A.S.