Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Do You Want Me To Be Honest With You?

I've come to the realization that the worst thing to hear somebody say is "Do you want me to be honest with you?" Whether it was from a girlfriend, a person's response to a script I wrote, or a manatee(I had to put something random in there), I've only heard horrible things come from those words. Well it happened again last week, when I could sense something was going on at work. So I went into my Supervisor's office to find out what the dillio was? (Has anybody said that word dillio since 1993?) The Supervisor says the famous words, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" At that point, I should've just ran out of the room and hid underneath my desk, while I sucked my thumb. Because I knew it was going to be something horrible. It's not like somebody would ever say to you, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" And then follows it with, "God you are the most amazing person in the world." So after the Supervisor says those words to me, I of course nodded and prepared to brace myself. And he then says, "Your last day is Friday." Mother F'er! I knew it! I really think we need to reconsider those words in the English Language and substitute them with "Are you ready to hear some really shitty stuff that's going to make you feel like crap?"

Other McNuggets(Chicken Select Strips? What an insult to the McNugget family!)

-Earlier this week was the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the wonderful holiday where we get to starve ourselves for 24 hours. Don't be jealous, I know it beats the hell out of happy Christmas songs and Easter Egg hunts. Anyways, if you know anything about me... It's that I'm a fan of eating. So I'm sitting in Temple a bit tense and bothered, since all I can think of is a Gordita from Taco Bell.
(Come on, eat me Jonno. You know you want to.)

For some reason whenever I'm hungry, my brain always turns to Taco Bell. And then when I finally get it, I'm like this really isn't that good. But then a few months later, I crave it again. It's the weirdest thing. Anyway, I'm sitting at Temple and it's the part of the service where the Rabbi gives his sermon. This is usually, where I space out big time and think about Jonno's Happy Place (Muppets, rainbow sprinkles, breasts, and now Gorditas) The sermon is about the recession. Shocker. Strangely, the Rabbi starts telling recession jokes. His first one was "The recession is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail." Everybody laughs and I'm thinking okay he started off with a joke and that would be it. But no I was totally wrong. The Rabbi goes into a series of recession jokes. I felt like I was at Giggles Comedy Club and was waiting for Gilbert Gottfriend to come out and start yelling at us. His next joke was, "It's so bad, McDonalds is now introducing the 1/4-Ouncer" Everybody in the Temple is cracking up and practically falling off their chairs. I figured he would be done, but he wasn't. He finally closed with, "The economy is so bad that parents in Beverly Hills are considering raising their own children." I know the Rabbi was trying to give us some humor to take a break from the boredom and the fasting, but it just seemed awkward and out of place. Do you want me to be honest with you Rabbi? You stink at comedy.

-I was helping my sister move this past weekend. Okay, maybe I wasn't really helping. I was more just staring, scratching my ass, and picking my nose. But anyway, being a professional mover has to be one of the worst jobs out there. You have to lift heavy shit all day. And it's not like you have to do it once and you're done. You have to carry it again, into the new place that the customer is moving into. God, I would be brutally bad at that job. Another job that I would be bad at would be a Taxi Driver. I've always hated driving, when there are strangers in the car. To add on to that, I would also be a bad stripper. For one thing, I'm not that flexible. I never did good with the sit and reach in gym class. And if you want me to be honest with you, I'm much more attractive clothed than naked.

-Fantasy Football has really turned me into a bitter, angry, old man. It's totally ruined any enjoyment of watching football games. I hardly ever watch the actual game, instead all I do is stare is at the stat ticker at the bottom of the screen. And I don't really ever say anything, all I do is just sit there with a scowl on my face. It's almost like I have somehow morphed into Clint Eastwood from "Gran Torino."
(Aaron Rodgers throw a friggin TD and get off my lawn!)

-I think I finally found a new funny show on network television. Yes people, I just said network television. It's called "Modern Family". It's like a mix between "The Office" and the movie "Parenthood". I've seen the first two episodes and I've actually laughed out loud. Which is a rare occurrence for me. I think the last time I laughed during a TV show, was "ALF". Why can't they make shows like that anymore? God, I miss that little furry guy.

-So I joined a new gym recently. Yeah that's right, you heard me. Got a problem with that? Look at me, I've already turned into a meathead. I never realized how big of a commitment it is. It's almost like I'm entering a one year relationship with somebody. Except there's no comfortable, constant sex. Unless, I meet a nice gent in the shower. Can you say soap chase? Apparently part of the deal of joining a gym, is that you have to do a physical assessment with one of the trainers. And I already know what they're going to tell me. "Do you want me to be honest with you?" I nod yes. "You should just cancel your membership because there's really no way we can help you."

I'm Out!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Wet Cement, Gerald Butler, and BBWs

A few blogs ago(Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston), I had mentioned that I had an incident where I stepped into wet cement. It was a horribly idiotic and embarrassing moment in my life. A moment that I assumed would never happen ever again. If you wanted to bet on it in Vegas, the odds would be set at 100 to 1. So in other words, a long shot. The other day I was walking down the street after a doctor's appointment. I was a bit distorted from the appointment and I had to make another phone call to set up an appointment with another doctor. Okay the secret is out people... I'm getting a sex change. Chaz Bono and I are swapping body parts. Is it just me or does Chaz Bono share a resemblance to Uncle Kracker? Anyway... I'm walking down the street, trying to make a phone call... And all of the sudden my foot feels stuck. I look down to see what the issue was and it happened again. I had stepped in wet cement that apparently had not dried. But this one was way worse. First of all, I had both feet in the cement. The previous time, I only had one foot. And this cement was way deeper and wetter. It was almost like this cement was the big angry mother of the previous one and was getting payback on me for stepping on her child. The closest thing I can compare to stepping in wet cement is when you get depantsed by somebody. You kind of just stand there for a few moments in shock. When the shock went away, the next thing to look for... Did anybody see this? Immediately, I see three younger dudes laughing their asses off. They are having a friggin ball at my expense. And rightfully so I must say. If I saw some bumbling, fumbling idiot step in wet cement, it would truly make my day too. I look to the right and the construction guys are furious at me. They look like they are ready to beat my ass. I mean who knows how long it took for them to put this cement down that I had ruined.

My next step was to get out of the cement. At this point, both of my shoes are demolished. And the ironic thing is that I was wearing the same jeans when it happened before. I swear I always have an article of clothing that is cursed and bad things always happen whenever I wear it. I had this one zip-up Abercrombie Tan sweater, where the worse shit would happen to me whenever I wore it. So I had to give it away because I couldn't take it anymore. So if I have another incident like this, the Seven Jeans are going to a nice young man named Ogbay in Ethiopia. So as I was saying, I'm trying to get out of the cement and I take my left foot out. My foot comes out of my shoe and the shoe is stuck by itself in the cement. I look to see if the three young guys have left, unfortunately they haven't. They are practically on the ground laughing hysterically. Oddly enough, my right foot made it out okay. So here I am standing with one shoe on, while the other one is stuck in the cement. A very angry, Hispanic construction worker approaches me and gets my shoe out from the cement. He stares at me with complete and utter disgust. I didn't know what to say to him. I knew an apology wasn't enough, but I still said sorry regardless. The construction worker begins to yell at me in broken English. "You and Phone! Bad! No phone and walk! Bad! It was as if my father was yelling at me after something stupid I did. Even though I couldn't understand a word he was saying, I knew he was right. So I didn't know what to say to him. I was like, "You're right. Okay?" As I exit and do the walk of shame, I notice on the other side of the wet cement, a friendly construction worker is guiding people as they walk by to prevent them from walking into it. Why in the hell was there no construction worker guiding me on the side I entered? It was like night and day between the two sides. On the other side, the construction worker was smiling, giving back massages, and handing out snow cones. While on the side I enter on, I get my shoe stuck in cement, 3 dudes laugh their asses off at me, and a Hispanic construction worker yelling at me in broken English. Not fair!

Other McNuggets(Honey Mustard Dipping sauce... Mmmmmm...)

-I was going down the elevator from the 20th floor at work. My stomach started rumbling a little bit. So I thought it would be a good time for me to let one go. A second later the elevator stops at the 19th floor. Five people barrel into the elevator and into my gas. Let's just say, I got a lot of uncomfortable looks. Note to self: It's never safe to fart in an elevator.

-You know you are in a highly emotional state, when you start crying during HBO's "Hard Knocks". What can I say? It got me when the mother started crying, after she saw her son on the NFL field for the first time. This pathetic event made me wonder to myself, when was the last time I cried during a movie/TV show? And it was when I was about six or seven and I would cry whenever I watched "Karate Kid". I hated the part when that douche Johnny dude beat the crap out Ralph Macchio towards the final fight and it looked liked he had no chance to win. Man, that always got me.

-What's going on with Gerald Butler these days? Is he the male counterpart to Elizabeth Banks? When I saw "Inglorious Bastards", the dude was in three of the previews that I saw. Hollywood, can we have a little more variation here instead of shoving the same damn actor down our throats? And who does this Gerald Butler guy think he is? Has he ever been a good movie? I know he was in that 300 Spartan crap, but I never saw that. The only movie I've ever seen him in was "P.S. I Love You." And that movie sucked more than stepping in wet cement for the second time. I'm really not looking very masculine right now, between the crying and admitting that I saw "P.S. I Love You."
(P.S. I Love Jonno)

-I was in Best Buy paroozing DVD's. And let me tell you, they were some very manly, masculine DVD's. So this Best Buy representative walks by me and says "Are you okay boss?" Now I have to say, I'm not a fan of the being called boss. I'm not saying I should be this well respected individual because I don't even respect myself. But boss? Come on! Who says that? And what does it mean? Does it mean that I look like the total opposite of a real boss, so that's the irony in calling me that? Is it kind of like how you would walk up to a hideous ugly looking person and say to them, "How's it going good looking?" To make a long story short, I purchased "P.S. I Love You" and got the hell out of there.

-When you're sitting on airplane, waiting to see which passengers are sitting next to you. It's almost comparable to your first day of school, when you are curious to see which people are in your classes. I feel the same way when I'm on airplane, trying to scout out which people I will be stuck with for the next few hours. So I was fortunate enough to get an aisle seat in an Emergency exit row. So at this point, I'm thinking life is good. A bit of an older, bigger man comes into my row and has the window seat. No biggie, I still got the buffer middle seat. Then a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) sits directly across from me. BBW is putting it nicely, let's just say she asked for a belt extension. But again, not a big deal because she was across from me. Finally another BBW approaches me and of course she is in the middle seat next to me. So in a way, I was in this BBW sandwich. Which is much better for a porn site, then on a plane.

(Can I sit next to you?)

She was nice enough lady, but I'm surprised given her stature why she would select a middle seat. Because her body overlapped into my seat, so my arm was pressed up against her. Am I turning you on? Because I am! To make matters worse, she's starting yacking it up with the guy sitting by the window. Then the BBW sitting across from me opens up her Diet 7-Up bottle and it sprays all over me. Not a good flight for the boss.

I'm Out!