The World's Greatest Husband

As you may know from previous entries, my wife has to travel a lot for work. For her most recent trip she was heading to St. Lucia and was taking a red eye flight. Being the gracious husband that I am, I drove her to the airport at 10pm on a Wednesday night. This was not a weekend folks, it was a school night and I was feeling pretty good about the brownie points I would be getting for this.  

(Conversation between my wife and mother-in-law)   

Wife: So Jonno drove me to the airport.

Mother-In-Law: At 10 o’clock on a weeknight? 

Wife: Yes, on a weeknight.

Mother-In-Law: Wow. You sure got a good one there. 

Wife: I know. I'm lucky.

Okay maybe that conversation did not really take place, but at least I had some leverage on my side. 

I arrive home, text good night to the wife and get some much needed beauty sleep. Let's face it people, these dashing and stunning good looks don't happen overnight. It takes a lot of work. 

Before Sleep

After Sleep

A few hours later, I am woken up by some sort of noise. I'm still half asleep and can't really figure out where the noise is coming from. Once my brain wakes up, I realize someone is knocking at the front door. I look over at the clock and its four in the morning. I'm a bit perplexed who could be knocking at this hour. Given my wussy nature, I became a little frightened and was concerned about a possible dangerous intruder. As I stumble closer to the door, I hear my wife yell out “Jonno, it’s me!”

The wife? What the heck is she doing here? What about her flight? I open the door and she’s practically in tears and explains to me that her flight had been cancelled. There was some mechanical issue and they weren't able to get it fixed in time. And here's the kicker, she had been waiting outside the front of our building for over two hours because she couldn't get a hold of me. She didn't have any keys and was locked out like Dino from opening credits of "The Flintstones." Fortunately, the newspaper guy came by and finally let her in at four in the morning.    

Apparently, she tried calling and texting me multiple times, but my phone was in the other room charging and on silent. She even called our landline phone and yelled out my name from outside, but I was too far away in Jonno sleepy land. And let me explain, I am one of the lightest sleepers in the world. Even if I hear the wind blow, I usually wake up. Given this tendency, I sleep with a sound machine to help block out any unwanted noise. And the sound machine was unfortunately blocking all of her phone calls.

I felt horrible about this, but what could I do? It’s not like I was purposely avoiding her phone calls. And let’s be honest here, had she brought a house key with her all of this could have been avoided. The next morning, I check out Facebook and see a post from the wife that she had tagged me in… 

Wife's FB Post: “My flight got canceled and now I’m stuck outside my apartment building. I keep on trying to call Jonno, but he is sleeping and won’t answer the phone.” 

I then look down at the comments and the first one is of course from my mother-in-law. 

Mother-In-Law FB Post: “How can he not hear you calling? Why don't you call the police?” 

This comment starts a domino effect of negative responses of what the hell is wrong with your husband and why doesn't he care about your well-being? For a moment there, I felt like the most hated person on social media. I was like Kanye West, but without the fame or talent. 

(Conversation between my wife and mother-in-law after the incident)

Mother-in-Law: "Have you thought about going back on JDate?" 

Wife: Yep, I already signed up for a one-year subscription."

Mother-in-Law: "Great. We'll reimburse you."  

I'll tell you one thing I'll wake up for... A juicy and scrumptious 6-Piece McNugget! 

1. Speaking of McNuggets... I heard a news story where a Florida woman called 911 because McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets. I think I'm in love... 

2. One of the benefits to not having many friends, is not being nominated to the ALS Bucket      Challenge. 

3. I recently went to see the Counting Crows perform and I'm not sure if it was Adam Duritz singing or the Today Show's Gene Shalit. 

Guess who's who?

4.  I will make a dangerous U-Turn and risk death just for a good parking spot in front of a  Yogurtland.

5. Pitching a new reality TV Show called "Dating Clothed." 

6. First Wayne Gretzky's daughter blocks me on Twitter and now Zach Braff. I don't mean to brag, but it looks like someone is moving up in the world.

H.A.K.A.S 
(Follow me @awkwardjonno) 

The Fall

Usually with these entries, I typically discuss something awkward that has happened to me. For this entry, I’m going to do something a little different and explain some recent humiliation that a family member endured. I know some of you may feel this is unethical, but it is only fair since this individual is part responsible for my awkwardness gene. 

I was visiting my family in Chicago for my birthday and we went out for a delightful Sunday brunch. (Side Note: It's still not too late to tell me Happy Birthday on Facebook) The restaurant is absolutely packed, so we decide to sit outside on their patio. The waitress explains to us that the kitchen is backed up and the fam is starting to get restless. To make matters worse, the clouds are starting to darken and it looks like it could start pouring any minute. And for the Chosen People, hunger and the threat of rain are two things that do not mix together well. 

My Mom is beginning to worry. A Jewish mother cannot risk the possibility of her family not being able to eat because of mother nature. She is a frequent patron at this establishment and decides to take matters in her own hands and go inside to talk to the manager.

As my Mom gets up, the chair’s back leg gets caught in a groove/crack on the ground. Her chair flings backward and she practically hangs in mid-air like an astronaut strapped to their seat heading for space. I’m sitting next to her and seeing this out of the corner of my eye. But of course I’m looking at my phone at some mindless Facebook post that probably YOU posted. (Btw, I can't believe that is the "Beverly Hills 90210" character that you most resemble! OMG!)  

I got Andrea Zuckerman

I’m probably the only person that can save her, but for some reason there is some supernatural force that is keeping me frozen. Maybe it’s shock? Maybe the ensuing embarrassment? Or maybe that it’s because I’m naturally slow at everything? 

As she hangs in mid-air, my Mom is surprisingly as still as a rock. If I was in her situation, I would be flailing my arms like a madman yelling “Woah… Woah… Woah.” She appears to have given up and is awaiting her unfortunate destiny. I finally get off of my tukhus to try to catch her with one hand because I’m holding my phone like a schmuck in my other hand. It was almost as if we were both starring in the movie "Gravity" and I was George Clooney and my Mom was Sandra Bullock. It's probably a good thing we weren't in the movie, because it would have lasted only three seconds. 

Awkwardvity 

I of course get there too late and she has indeed fallen to the ground. I literally can't believe this is happening! Not only am I worried she's injured, but there are also 25-30 people watching this unfold. Plus, this is partially my fault because of my stupid phone and sluggishness. My Dad and I help her up and miraculously enough she is perfectly fine. Not even a second later, my Mom walks into the restaurant like a champ to speak with the manager. Nothing was going to stop this woman from getting our food. Not the threat of rain! Not falling off her chair! Not the public embarrassment! Nothing! 

As we wait for the outcome, I'm still struggling with the awkwardness of what just happened. Given that she is okay, a part of me is ready to bust out laughing because it was literally one of the oddest, slow-motion falls I have ever seen. If you ever have seen the "Modern Family" episode where Cameron tries to kiss Mitchell, he accidentally turns away and Cameron falls over the couch, it looked exactly like that. (See it here: The Modern Family Fall)

My Mom exits the restaurant with an odd grin on her face. Not only does she inform us that our food is about to arrive, but she is holding a $10 gift card from the restaurant. Interesting... Maybe this whole falling thing was part of her plan all along? 

(P.S. My Mom wanted to let all of you know that if you are looking for any stunt falls in your next film, she can be contacted at stuntyenta@gmail.com. Compensation: High-quality craft services/catering) 

Speaking of falling... One thing I'm falling in love with... Is a juicy 6-Piece McNugget! 

1. For my birthday the wife decided to buy me a fitbit and a fitbit scale. Do you think she's trying to send me a message? (Damn you Rico!) 

2. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a sexier name for female underwear than "Boy Shorts."

3. Not really digging this new trend with everyone traveling and flying with their dogs. If you think its cute, just wait till you get humped and shat on by Muffins.  

4. I wonder how Adam Levine researched his role in "Begin Again" to play an arrogant and self-centered musician?

5. Speaking of movie roles, apparently Hollywood feels Catherine Keener is the only actress allowed to play the main character's ex-wife.

6. Someone needs to inform Josh Groban that he's not funny. (And probably me too after reading this blog.)      

H.A.K.A.S.

Meet Rico: My Wife's Emotional Friend

As you may or may not know, my wife does a great deal of traveling with her job. In the past year, she has visited places such as Puerto Rico, Costa Rico, Mexico, Bahamas and Turks and Caicos. A lot of people ask me, “Jonno, how come you never get to go with on the trips?”

That is a fair question, but the reason is because my wife is unfortunately only allowed to take one guest with her. And that person is of course Rico.

Meet Rico

The wife met Rico on her first trip when she went to the Dominican Republic. It's actually kind of an interesting story how they met.  My wife was getting a massage at the resort she was staying at and Rico was her masseuse. Despite Rico only knowing very little English, they hit it off right away. And apparently, he gives the BEST massages. My wife explains that Rico has extremely strong hands, yet at the same time they are soft like a baby gorilla. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get a massage from Rico! 

His hands are so strong, his speedo is about to fall off! LOL!

Ever since that first trip Rico and my wife have kept in touch and became really close friends. So he accompanies her on all of the trips. My wife did tell me that if Rico can't go or if she's allowed to bring another person, that I would be her first choice. (Fingers crossed!) Also, my wife has assured me that there is no physical attraction whatsoever and Rico just provides her with emotional support. And after seeing the size of Rico's schnoz, I totally believe her. Hello big nose! Barbara Streisand called and wants her nose back! LOL!  

Now, I know some of you are thinking why doesn't my wife take me on her work trips instead of Rico. Here are a few reasons why she feels Rico is better a travel partner... 

• Safety: I will admit that Rico is a muscular specimen and it's not really safe for a young woman to travel overseas by herself. So Rico sleeps with my wife at night to make sure no harm comes her way.  
• Sun Protection: My wife has extremely porcelain skin and it's not good for her to be exposed to too much sun. Fortunately Rico always carries sunscreen on him and makes sure to rub suntan lotion all over my wife's body. And let me tell you, he does not a miss spot.   
•  Photography: One of my wife's hobbies is photography. She loves taking photos wherever she goes and I want to encourage her to follow her passion. And given that Rico dabbles in speedo modeling, he is able to help add more to her portfolio. Below are a few pics my wife has taken of Rico. You can see she really is talented! 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Some people may look at my wife's relationship with Rico as odd, but I just see the three of us as one happy family. The most important part of any relationship is trust and there is nobody I trust more in this world than my wife. I know she loves me and would never... Sorry guys, I gotta go... Apparently my wife needs to use the computer so she can do her nightly Skype with Rico. Those crazy kids sure like to have fun!      

Rico may have a sexy 6-pack, but I have a juicy and luscious 6-piece Chicken McNugget! 

 1. I was waiting for the elevator in the garage of my apartment building. The doors open up and this woman in her mid-to-late 40s sees me and screams at the top of her lungs. I wonder if this type of stuff ever happens to Rico? 

2. My birthday is not for a few weeks and I'm already concerned about the amount of Facebook attention I'm going to get.

3. I think the only way I'll be able to own a house in LA, is if my dry skin suddenly becomes worth money.

4. Mark my words... Thomas Middleditch (the lead guy on "Silicon Valley") will be one of the biggest comedy stars in 2-3 years. 

5. Thank God they are making a sequel to "The Purge" because the first film left so many unanswered questions. 

Such as... Why did this movie get made? 

6. I think this picture of "The Purge" is going to cause me to sleep with the light on tonight. 

H.A.K.A.S.

I Don't Belong at Concerts

Recently, I went to see the one and only Billy Joel perform at the Hollywood Bowl. I have seen Mr. Joel perform once before at Wrigley Field when he went on tour with Elton John. Given my loyalties to the South Side, it’s difficult for me to enjoy anything at Wrigley Field, but the Piano Man put on a great show. I wanted to see more of him, but unfortunately I had to sit through Elton John who acted like he wanted to leave as soon as possible because he had a deep dish pizza waiting for him.

A Not-So Tiny Dancer

I’m not really the type to appreciate pretty scenery, but there really isn't a better venue than the Hollywood Bowl. You got the mountains.. The sunset... The beautiful weather... An iconic musician... What else could you want out of an evening? Despite all of these positives, I of course had to find something to complain about. For starters, here are a few general things that annoy me about people at concerts:

-The Sing-Along: Hey, I’m paying around $100 a ticket to hear Billy Joel sing, not Billy Bob, the sweaty guy to my right in the fedora hat, who just smoked an ounce of weed and has the harmony of nails on a chalkboard.    

-Phones: What has happened to us? Why does every single person and their mother feel the need to take pictures and record video every friggin second? Is anyone ever actually going to watch these videos? And isn’t the whole point of going to a concert is so you can see the show LIVE?

I'm extremely jealous of their data plan.

-Arm Raising/Pointing: I feel around 10 years ago this whole trend of arm raising/pointing to the rhythm of the music started. I’m not sure who started this obnoxious trend, but it needs to stop. Not only are you distracting me with your arm up in the air, but you look like a mentally challenged orchestra conductor.    

Back to Billy Joel at the Bowl. Right before the concert is about to begin, three women run in and sit in front of us. (By the way, why is it always the people who come in at the last minute that turn out to always be the most annoying?) They were probably in the 40s, but acted and dressed like they were in their 20s. I don’t know if they were hyped on sugar or coke, or a combination of both… But they could not sit still and were dancing, hopping and bopping. 

Look, I know exactly what you're thinking... So let's do a quick Q and A with Jonno. 

Q: Hey idiot, this is a concert! So what the hell do you expect?
A: Fair question, but there's no reason for the hostility. This is part of the reason why I don't belong at concerts.  

Q: Can't you just block it out? 
A: No, I can't! That's the problem! I have issues people! 

Q: Have you considered seeking help from a mental health specialist?
A:  I have and I'm willing to accept any referrals. 

Eventually, my annoyance from the Three Stooges transferred over to a strong stench. It wasn’t pot or bad gas, instead was a smoky BBQ smell. Look, I love a good BBQ as much as the next person, but this smell was so intense it was making me nauseous. I turn to my left and this tiny, quiet Asian woman is chowing down on the most humongous turkey leg I have ever seen. Actually, I don’t think it was a turkey leg, it was more like a dinosaur leg from the size of this thing. Explain to me who the hell goes to a Billy Joel concert at the Hollywood Bowl and decides to eat the largest piece of meat they can find? And where did she find this piece of meat? Did she go off into the Hollywood Hills and hunt down some sort of Wildebeast? At the very least she could have had the decency to take the turkey leg and smack around Charlie’s Annoying Angels with it.

As for the concert itself, Billy Joel never disappoints. The guy is a legend and an amazing performer. I kind of got the vibe though that he doesn't really enjoy playing his hits and would rather sing his more personal songs. The song I was dying to hear the most was “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and unfortunately he chose not to play that song. He did another show at the Bowl a few nights later that a friend of mine went to. During the concert, I receive a video text from him. Any guesses which song that may be?  Of course it had to be "We Didn't Start the Fire." 

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to officially announce my retirement from concerts. So continue to enjoy your obnoxious bopping, turkey leg eating, phone recording, karaoke singing and distracting arm raising.   

One thing I will never retire from... A juicy and scrumptious 6-Piece McNugget!

1. Staying on the concerts subject... I also saw Bruno Mars play at the Hollywood Bowl recently. (And yes, I was the least cool person there) Before he started playing, we had a woman near us take a picture of me and the wife. I don't know if it was the angle or just a simple case of the Chunkers... But when I looked at the photo, I had a man boob the size of at least a C-cup. I looked like Cyclops Boob! Let's just say after seeing that photo, I had a little trouble shaking it to "Locked Out of Heaven."  

2. Speaking of man boobs... I'll be extremely disappointed if Jonah Hill doesn't get nominated for an Oscar for his apology speech on "The Tonight Show."   

3. Whoever designed the parking garages in LA, was either hyped up on a lot of drugs or is just trying to "F" with all of us. 

  

4. It pains me with jealously how well everyone from "Boy Meets World" has aged. I mean even Mr. Feeny looks better than me.  

5. "Edge of Tomorrow" was a much better film than I had anticipated. The only thing is that they should have gone with their original title... "Groundhog Day 2: Cruise Control." 

6. I was waiting to use the elevator and this attractive woman walks by. I continue to stare at her as I walk into the elevator. Not paying attention, I ram right into the elevator doors as they begin to close. Please just refer to me as "Slick Jonno" from now on.   

 . 

H.A.K.A.S

Surviving Passover

I had the pleasure of visiting the in-laws in Cleveland to celebrate my least favorite holiday in the world... Passover. In all honesty, who in their right mind wants to give up bread and pizza for a week to digest things like this?

Yummy

                           

Yummers

(Awkward side note: What's the deal with dudes on Facebook posting pictures of food or checking into restaurants and typing the word "Yummy?" Unless your six years old or mentally challenged, who the heck says "Yummy?")  

As we were...

Typically every year Passover is a struggle for me, but this year ended up being a piece of matzah cake. (Get it? No flour. LOL!) Why was this year so easy you may ask? Because of three instances that occurred during my trip to Cleveland. 

• After we landed, my father-in-law picked up me and the wife. When we got in the car, I could smell a very strong stench. Not a B.O stench, but more of a vomit stench. Apparently the night before, my wife's nephew got car sick and threw up in the car. They cleaned the vomit up, but did not spray any type of odor freshener because my mother-in-law is allergic to those type of products. Fantastic! That's not all folks...My father-in-law could have picked us up in his vomit-free car, but for some unknown reason he felt we were better suited for the Vomitmobile. 

Me on the 40-minute drive from the airport

• For the final meal before the start of Passover, I had the pleasure of having dinner with my wife's 92-year-old grandmother, Grammy Grace. Given that my grandparents passed away when I was younger, it's wonderful to see Grammy Grace still kickin' it. I was very excited about this dinner because it was the last time I could stuff my face with doughy delectables. In addition, I had finally gotten over the vomit stench car, so I was ready to rock and roll. We went to this bar and grill type of restaurant and Grammy Grace decided that she wanted an order of chicken wings. This might not have been the best thing for a 92-year-old woman to eat, but Grammy Grace gets what she wants. And boy did she want those wings. She scarfed them down so fast, I think she might have swallowed a bone or two. I did my best not to watch, but just like a car accident on the side of the road, I couldn't myself. As I turned to her... This is what I saw... And let's just say I had to put down my cheeseburger after a few bites.  

A Young Grammy Grace

• If there is one thing I enjoy eating during Passover, it's Brisket. My mom has always made the best brisket and not being able to eat it this year was a bit of a bummer. Fortunately, my bro-in-law picked up the slack and made a delicious red wine brisket. As I began to chow down, I noticed that my wife's family dog, Jefferson, kept on bumping into my leg and barking at me. Out of the 12 people at the table, Jefferson felt the need to focus on me. Jefferson, a Springer Spaniel, is 14 years old and recently had a stroke. I know that is sad to hear and I might come off as an A-hole, but he has actually made a strong recovery. The only issue is that he walks around and looks at you with his head cock-eyed to the side. For people that are weak and vulnerable like myself, this can be a bit of a disturbing sight to see. I politely asked if we could escort Jefferson out of the dining area because he would not leave me alone, but my mother-in-law adamantly refused to. She felt bad for him and wanted Jefferson to stay with us. For the rest of the Seder, Jefferson stared at me with his tilted head, while I had to say goodbye to my brisket.             

How's that Brisket Jonno?

If there is anything to take away from this entry... The way to survive Passover is not by eating matzah based products that make you horribly constipated. It's to experience things that make you so physically ill, that you have absolutely no desire to eat any sort of food. Not only will you walk away a stronger and more spiritual person, but maybe even a little leaner too. And that my friends is awfully "Yummy!"  

H.A.K.A.S.  

The Low Talker

Given that my last blog focused on someone's butchy voice, I figured why not stay on the same subject and tell you about another unusual voice I encountered.  A few years ago I did a staged reading for a "Modern Family" script I wrote.(I'll wait for your applause) For those that care to know, a staged reading is where actors read a script rather than memorize lines and act it out. It might not be the most interesting thing for an audience to see, but it at least gives the writer a good indication about what jokes work or don't work. And as you can see from my blog entries, typically they don't work for me.  

I was excited about the cast I had put together for the reading. The actor I used for Cameron, actually auditioned for the role on "Modern Family," (#humblebrag) and had the part until Eric Stonestreet beat him out. The only role I was having trouble casting was for Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell.) My first choice was not available, so I had to find somebody else. I remembered seeing this one improviser totally kill it at a friend's improv show. He was funny, had great energy and even looked like a younger version of Phil Dunphy. I had my friend reach out to him and he agreed to it. I was psyched, I finally had my cast! 

Before the staged reading took place, I did a quick run-through of the script with the cast. Everyone had their character down pat, except for the actor playing Phil Dunphy. It wasn't that he was bad, he just didn't have a whole lot of energy. After the read-through, I politely gave him a few notes. If anything the conversation was more awkward than helpful, because I am horrible at giving any type of pep talk. 

Jonno: Hey there buddy. Great job. 

Phil Dunphy Actor: Thanks. 

Jonno: (Stammering) Just a quick note. The character Phil Dunphy is a lively and happy guy. So maybe try to have a little more energy. 

Phil Dunphy Actor: Oh okay. I've never really seen the show before, but I gotcha.

What? He never seen the show before? I wasn't asking this guy to pull a Daniel Day Lewis and go method. I mean you would think at the very least in this day-in-age, he could do a Google search of Phil Dunphy and watch a one minute clip of him.

It's now time for the performance of the staged reading and it is a packed house. Most of my peeps came through to support me and the other actors brought their friends as well. I felt confident about my script, had a talented cast and a lively audience. For once in my life the stars were aligned for me to shine and nothing was going to stop me. This was going to be a big night for Jonno! His big break-through night!    

The reading starts and I'm standing in the back holding a script. Phil Dunphy delivers his first line and it is a little quiet. I figured no biggie, my boy is just getting a little warmed up. His next line comes and he speaks even quieter. It was almost as if he was whispering. I thought about yelling from the back of the theater for him to talk louder, but I didn't want to disrupt the performance and bring more attention to it. 

I seriously couldn't understand what the actor was doing. Was he purposely doing this to get back at me for giving my critique earlier?  Or was he pulling some sort of Andy Kaufman B.S. and purposely bombing? Or maybe was he just that bad of an actor? All I could wonder where was the guy from the improv show that I saw, who was running around the stage like a maniac and doing back-flips? I wanted that guy back! Not this friggin low talker!

"But, I don't want to be a pirate!"

Throughout the rest of the reading the low talker whispered all of his lines without any emotion. I was totally irate. His character by far had the best lines than any one else in the script. I wanted to attack the stage and strangle him, but unfortunately I am too much of a wuss to initiate any sort of physical violence. 

The show ends and I get some feedback from my friends. They thought the cast was great and they enjoyed the script, but they said they could not understand one single word the low talker said. I mean these were people who were literally sitting in the first row! Practically inches away from him! 

The day after the reading, I decide to send the low talker an email to politely tell him that the audience could not hear any of his lines and it might be something to take note of for future performances. He did not respond and instead de-friended me on Facebook. I was hurt that our social media friendship had come to an end, but I understood it could not continue any longer.

Even though the low talker messed up my staged reading, I am happy to announce that he is doing absolutely great. He is currently starring in a one-man show called "The Man Who Forgot How to Talk and Ruined A Writer's Career."  

I'll tell you the name of my one man show.... A 6-Piece Chicken McNugget! 

1. Speaking of fast food... The other weekend the wife was out of town, so I picked up some Fatburger for myself. Very rarely do I get to eat fast food, so it was a bit of a treat. Right as I pull into my parking spot my neighbors (a friendly married couple) pull in right next to me at the same time. All I could think was God Damn it! Now I have to have a conversation in the elevator with these people about my FatBurger. I could just seem them saying "So, what do you have there?" "Oh, that smells good." "Are you eating this by yourself?" In order to avoid the awkward conversation, I decided to wait in the car for an extra five minutes and act like I was talking on the phone. (And yes, I'm fully aware I have fat kid issues.) 

2. This has been a tough week for wrestling. First the Undertaker loses at Wrestlemania, than the Ultimate Warrior passes away... I mean what's next? Is someone going to tell me that wrestling is fake?   

3. After watching "Dallas Buyers Club" I am convinced of three things... A) HIV is not a good thing B) Matthew McConaughey is one of the greatest actors right now. C) If I saw Jared Leto in drag at a night club, I would totally make-out with him/her. 

The New Girl?

4. Pitching a game show set in LA called "Fireworks or Gunshots," where contestants have to guess what just occurred. 

5. Leave it to us Jews to find a way to feel guilty for eating bread.

6. Since this week was National Sibling Day. I have to give a shout-out to the best twin brother someone could ask for. Terry, I love you! 

I'm on the left

H.A.K.A.S.

The Awkward Email

We have all had that moment where we send an email to a person that we did not intend for it to go to. Recently at work I had the pleasure of experiencing this and feeling like a complete and utter dumbass. This is how it went down...   

I had a phone call with a female that works on a high profile national sports radio/podcast show. This is someone we definitely want to have a good relationship and keep happy. The phone call went very well and I was excited to report it to my co-workers.  

The girl I spoke to on the phone was probably in her late 20's and didn't have the most feminine voice. For some unknown reason, I decided to comment on this observation. (And for the sake of anonymity, let's call her Adele). Here's what I wrote... "Despite Adele's butchy voice, I had a great conversation with her. We discussed A, B and C..." 

About a minute after I send the email, my co-worker turns to me and says "Did you mean to send the email to Adele?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about, since there was no way in hell I would sent an email like that to her. I immediately look at my sent folder and there I see that I indeed sent the email to Adele and copied my co-workers. HOLY SH*T!!!

I literally froze. I seriously did not want to live any longer. I mean how could I go on? A very important relationship for our company could be ruined here. I needed to think of some sort of recovery as soon as possible. I could not explain the awkwardness I felt.    

And by the way, what the hell is wrong with me? Why did I feel compelled to even comment on her voice? There was seriously no point to it. It wasn't funny or insightful, it was just downright stupid. And who even uses the word "butchy?" Why not spin it a positive light and say she had a "sultry" voice. Like in a late 80's Kathleen Turner sort of way.

Butchy

Sultry

And if the next Steve Jobs is reading this, (which is highly doubtful) can you please invent some sort of app that can prevent moronic sent emails from being opened? I guarantee you will become a multi-millionaire. Because honestly, the whole recall function that Outlook offers does absolutely nothing and just makes you look like more of an imbecile. 

As I mentioned, I desperately needed to think of some sort of rebound. I racked my brain for ideas... The longer I waited the worse it was getting. I remembered during our phone conversation that Adele said she was from the Northern suburbs of Chicago and I told her that I was from the south side. A light bulb went off in my head. I had an idea! And I'm not saying this was a great idea, but it was at least something. 

I reply-to-all to the email and write... "P.S. I'm just giving Adele a hard time because I found out she went to my rival high school." To be honest, our high schools weren't rivals, but it was worth a shot. I needed to make some sort of save, even if the follow-up email drew more attention to my stupidity. 

Fortunately, Adele never commented on my email and to my knowledge our company's relationship was not ruined with their show. I was of course reprimanded internally and told to stop acting like a jackass over email. (Totally understandable) 

Cut to a few weeks later, I get an automatic reply to her email, saying that Adele is going to be out of the country for two weeks. Then I come to find out that Adele was not just leaving the country, she was leaving her job as well. All I could wonder was this all because of me? Was she heading to Thailand to get some sort of vocal chord surgery?

Adele, if you're reading this somewhere riding an Elephant in Phuket... I just want to tell you that I am deeply sorry for referring to your voice as butchy. If anything your voice was powerful and lovely in its own unique way. I have my own self-esteem issues and for whatever reason decided to project my feelings onto you. You also helped me learn a valuable lesson... If you're going to talk behind someone's back make sure you do it in-person and not over email. Best of luck on your future endeavors. 

I'll tell you one thing that's awfully sultry and not butchy... A 6-Piece Chicken McNugget!

1. Recently Nia Vardalos (the actress from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding") came into my office at work. I was taken aback by how great she looked and for whatever reason decided to inform her of this. 

Me: Wow you look great! 

Nia: Thank you!  

Me: No, you really look great. 

(Nia uncomfortably smiles at me. Awkward silence for a few moments.)

Me: It was nice meeting you. 

(I run back to my desk)    

2. I don't mean to brag, but I'm pitching a spin-off to "Rich Kids of Beverly Hills" called "30-year-olds who can't afford to live in Beverly Hills."     

3. Being on the toilet during an earthquake, gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to have my own personal bidet.  

4. My casting suggestion for Season 2 of "True Detective"... Both of Woody Harrelson's mistresses. 

Great Acting

5. Not looking forward to seeing Iran's version of "How I Met Your Mother" called "How I Stoned Your Mother." 

6. Two signs that I should maybe go on a diet...
     A.) I decide to buy boxers with different pictures of doughnuts on them
     B.) I cannot fit in to those boxers 
              

A New Year 20-Piece McNugget

I can't think of a better way to kick-off the New Year than a juicy, delicious and scrumptious 20-Piece McNugget. Enjoy. (Or at least fake it)

1. The other day I waddled into work and sat down at my desk. For some reason there was a vile stench that smelled like a filthy animal. The smell would go away and then come back every 20 minutes or so. I couldn't figure out what the cause was and why no one else was talking about it. A few hours go by and I look down and see a big glob of dog crap on the bottom of my shoe. Just lovely.     

2. I can't wait for the sequel to the film “Her” called “His” starring the voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

3. Speaking of dating your phone... I finally hooked up with my rotary phone and it took her 18 hours to orgasm.

Can you say 69?

4. It's really getting frustrating how darn expensive movies are these days!
Tickets-$15
Popcorn/Drink-$10
Parking-$3
New pair of pants-$50 (From watching a scary trailer and soiling myself)

5. Speaking of underwear... It is becoming increasingly difficult to find matching a pair of underwear for my man bras. Any suggestions? 

6. Trader Joe's frozen appetizers taste so good, I would consider buying mini gerbil turd quiches if they sold it.

7. If someone were to look at my iTunes music library, they would think I was a 16-year-old, suicidal girl from 1999.

8. In 2014, my hope is that another band besides the Lumineers or Monster of Men, will get to have their music in movie trailers.

9. My wife works in the travel industry and went to Jamaica for 10 days. I'm so glad she chose to take her emotional friend, Rico, to go with her! He is such a great guy and makes her happy. 

Rico, my wife's emotional friend

10. I don’t think anyone has actually read the book “Outliers.” It is just used to sit on bookshelves to impress people at dinner parties. 

11. If I was an African-American actress and saw Nia Long at an audition, I would give up and walk out immediately.

12. As you are reading this blog, a Golden Globes television winner is still making their way to the stage.

13. Should I be questioning my sexuality given that I cannot turn the channel whenever “Behind the Candelabra” is on HBO? 

14. Speaking of anal pleasures, I finally got to use a bidet for the first time and it was quite magical. I felt like a newborn baby back there.  

Me after using a bidet

15. Hey folks, I wanted to let you know that I recently knit my very own sweater for the first time and I owe it all to this fantastic instructional video! Enjoy! http://youtu.be/q6RZZf6HMzo
  
16. In the new season of "The Real World" cast members get reunited with their exes. So MTV, I’ve guess we’ve given up on the whole 7 strangers picked to live in a house idea? (P.S., I'm fully aware it is pathetic I still watch "The Real World")

17. Hey there “Modern Family”, you might want to consider changing the name of your show to “Modern Cleavage.” Am I right fellas?

18. Unless you are looking to get defriended on Facebook, than please don’t share a story about the world’s ugliest woman becoming an inspirational motivation speaker.

19. From seeing comments on other people's photos, apparently "gorgeous" on Facebook means "average looking" in real life.

20. If I could take a second... I would like to talk about a very serious matter that is very dear to my heart. Not only is this matter ruining our society, but it is putting our future in danger. Please do what you can to spread the word and put a stop to POSM: Parents on Social Media.  

Thank you for your time and God Bless.

H.A.K.A.S