Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Surviving Passover

I had the pleasure of visiting the in-laws in Cleveland to celebrate my least favorite holiday in the world... Passover. In all honesty, who in their right mind wants to give up bread and pizza for a week to digest things like this?


(Awkward side note: What's the deal with dudes on Facebook posting pictures of food or checking into restaurants and typing the word "Yummy?" Unless your six years old or mentally challenged, who the heck says "Yummy?")  

As we were...

Typically every year Passover is a struggle for me, but this year ended up being a piece of matzah cake. (Get it? No flour. LOL!) Why was this year so easy you may ask? Because of three instances that occurred during my trip to Cleveland. 

  • After we landed, my father-in-law picked up me and the wife. When we got in the car, I could smell a very strong stench. Not a B.O stench, but more of a vomit stench. Apparently the night before, my wife's nephew got car sick and threw up in the car. They cleaned the vomit up, but did not spray any type of odor freshener because my mother-in-law is allergic to those type of products. Fantastic! That's not all folks...My father-in-law could have picked us up in his vomit-free car, but for some unknown reason he felt we were better suited for the Vomitmobile. 

Me on the 40-minute drive from the airport

  • For the final meal before the start of Passover, I had the pleasure of having dinner with my wife's 92-year-old grandmother, Grammy Grace. Given that my grandparents passed away when I was younger, it's wonderful to see Grammy Grace still kickin' it. I was very excited about this dinner because it was the last time I could stuff my face with doughy delectables. In addition, I had finally gotten over the vomit stench car, so I was ready to rock and roll. We went to this bar and grill type of restaurant and Grammy Grace decided that she wanted an order of chicken wings. This might not have been the best thing for a 92-year-old woman to eat, but Grammy Grace gets what she wants. And boy did she want those wings. She scarfed them down so fast, I think she might have swallowed a bone or two. I did my best not to watch, but just like a car accident on the side of the road, I couldn't myself. As I turned to her... This is what I saw... And let's just say I had to put down my cheeseburger after a few bites.  

A Young Grammy Grace

  • If there is one thing I enjoy eating during Passover, it's Brisket. My mom has always made the best brisket and not being able to eat it this year was a bit of a bummer. Fortunately, my bro-in-law picked up the slack and made a delicious red wine brisket. As I began to chow down, I noticed that my wife's family dog, Jefferson, kept on bumping into my leg and barking at me. Out of the 12 people at the table, Jefferson felt the need to focus on me. Jefferson, a Springer Spaniel, is 14 years old and recently had a stroke. I know that is sad to hear and I might come off as an A-hole, but he has actually made a strong recovery. The only issue is that he walks around and looks at you with his head cock-eyed to the side. For people that are weak and vulnerable like myself, this can be a bit of a disturbing sight to see. I politely asked if we could escort Jefferson out of the dining area because he would not leave me alone, but my mother-in-law adamantly refused to. She felt bad for him and wanted Jefferson to stay with us. For the rest of the Seder, Jefferson stared at me with his tilted head, while I had to say goodbye to my brisket.             

How's that Brisket Jonno?

If there is anything to take away from this entry... The way to survive Passover is not by eating matzah based products that make you horribly constipated. It's to experience things that make you so physically ill, that you have absolutely no desire to eat any sort of food. Not only will you walk away a stronger and more spiritual person, but maybe even a little leaner too. And that my friends is awfully "Yummy!"  


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