Friday, August 12, 2005

Kiss My Scorched Ass!

So I'm going on a Cruise next week and apparently it is standard procedure to be tan before you go on the trip. Back in the day, you were suppose to get a tan on the actual vacation. Thanks to pressures from society, that is not allowed anymore. So I've started to go tanning for the last month. I know what your thinking right at this moment, "You, in a tanning salon?" I understand, because I also never thought I would be caught dead in a place like that. To be honest, I hate going in there. I always feel like when I step in the tanning salon, the employees are laughing in their minds, "Hah! I can't believe this guy even thinks that this is going to help him. How about trying some plastic surgery first there buddy."

So after getting comfortable with the whole tanning thing, I decided to get a little risque. (I apologize beforehand, if I gross anybody out here.) Because I tan in my boxers, I was noticing that everything, but my butt was getting tanned. As a reuslt, I was having trouble telling the difference between my ass and Casper the Friendly Ghost. So I decided to pull down my boxers, so my "junk in the trunk" could get some color. Why did I decide to do this? I have no idea. To my knowledge, I am not planning on doing any nude modeling anytime soon. Although I have received some offers from "PlayJew."

Later that night, I realized that my ass was itching like crazy. I then went to the bathroom to realize that my ass was scorched. I mean it ws burned beyond belief and it only got worse. It became more and more painful. Almost to the point, where I had trouble sitting down. And I'm going through all this discomfort, for no reason all. Just so I can have a red painful ass that nobody else will see. I guess the lesson is here people, stop pressuring pathetic, idiotic people like myself that tanning is necessary to look good. Or else, ridiculously stupid mishaps such as a scorched red ass will occur.

A few quick thoughts:

-Huge blow to the Bears that Grossman is out for the year. Both of his season injuries have occured from normal hits and falls that a NFL QB takes. It's time to give up on Grossman and start Orton as your QB of the future. And Cedric Benson, you suck. (For also another reason that I will not mention.)
-Why do they keep allowing Rob Schnieder to make movies? There has to be more talented people in Hollywood than this short schumk. Watch me look like a dumbass and the movie makes $30 million its opening weekend.
-Julia Roberts has decided to quit acting. Only women and Gay men will be affected by this.
-I watched the season finale of ABC's "Hooking Up." That has to be one of the best shows in the history of television.
-Move over Will Ferrell, Steve Carell will be the next big comedy star after his movie "40 Year-Old Virgin" comes out.
-Retarded people do not belong in tanning salons.

I'm Out!