Sunday, December 08, 2013

Happy Fatsgiving

There is truly no better holiday than Thanksgiving. Sure it’s nice to spend time with family and appreciate what’s really important in life, but let’s be honest with ourselves… The real enjoyment is gorging our brains out with obscene amounts of food to the point where we can hardly move. 

If you have a moment, please come waddle with me down double chin memory lane, as I tell you about some of my Thanksgiving eating highlights. 


The lady and I are at LAX getting ready for our 6:30 am flight to Chicago. Even though McDonalds would be the most affordable breakfast, we both decide on something healthier. We end up at the biggest rip-off in the history of airport eateries… A.K.A. La Brea Bakery. I order this pre-made, Ham sandwich with stale bread, the wife gets a boring Turkey sandwich and we split a puny little fruit cup… All for the lovely price of $30!!!!!!! All I know is that my grandparents were rolling in their graves during this transaction.    

Two hours later, I’m on the plane and there are some serious gas issues with my fellow passengers. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I'm guilty of some anal acoustics, but I was on good behavior. Fortunately, the toxic stench does not derail me from stuffing my face with shortbread cookies and pretzels. And if I may say, complimentary of Southwest. Take that La Brea Bakery! 
We arrive in Chicago and my P’s take us to Cheesecake Factory. I must say I'm a fan of the Cheesecake Factory, but their menu is a bit overwhelming for a indecisive Fat Kid such as myself. I mean do we really need that many options?

The Menu at Cheesecake Factory
Instead of ordering are own meals, the four of us split 3 appetizers(burger sliders, Chicken Thai Lettuce Wraps and their scrumptious Chicken Nachos.) The meal takes a turn for the worse, when our young waitress finds out we live in LA and decides to tell all about her upcoming move to LALA Land to pursue acting. Not only was she not interesting, but speckles of spit were flying over my nachos as she was talking. Maybe God was trying to tell me… “Jonno settle down. There is still plenty more to come.” And boy was he right because later that night I made passionate love to an Aurellio’s pizza while my family watched on with disgust.      


A bit of a lighter eating day, until we meet up with the in-laws for dinner in the city. My in-laws knew the manager of the restaurant so he treats us to a bunch of appetizers: Cheese Fondue, a Scotch Egg (hard boiled egg wrapped in bread) and some Mussels (which I tried for the first time.) One would think I would be too full to eat my actual dinner, but somehow God gave me the strength to devour three humungous sausages. (Insert obvious joke here)  

Thanksgiving Day (Thursday)

The lady registers both of us for an 8K (5 mile) race in the city and boy am I not a happy camper. I’m so friggin grumpy, I’m like the love child between Clint Eastwood’s character from “Gran Torino” and the old woman from “Throw Momma From the Train.” Not only is it early in the morning, but the temperature is in the low 30s. I feel tired, hungry(of course) my nose is running and on top of it I have to put on a happy face because my father-in-law and another couple are participating in the race with us. And to give me another kick in the tuchus, the whole race takes place along the lakefront to make it even colder. Despite cussing out loud to myself the whole race and contemplating committing suicide in Lake Michigan, I'm actually glad I did the race so I could continue on my eating rampage. 

Later that afternoon we arrive at my Aunt and Uncle’s house for Thanksgiving. I made sure we got there as early as possible, so I can chow down on my favorite appetizer, Taco Dip. I don’t those why this dip is so scrumptious because all it consists of is sour cream, salsa, shredded cheese, tomatoes, green peppers, lettuce and olives. The Taco Dip goes very quickly at Thanksgiving, so I made sure I had a front row seat and threw elbows in case any family member got in my way. 

Me at Thanksgiving


The highlight of the day was going to Dairy Queen after a lunch out with the fam. I must admit, it’s a bit frustrating not having any Dairy Queens in the LA area. Conventional wisdom would suggest for me to order a Blizzard, but I decide to keep things simple go with a Vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles. Why rainbow sprinkles you may ask? I really can’t explain it, but I have a bit of an obsession with them. If you were to visit Jonno heaven, it would consist of Rainbow Sprinkles, Muppets, Dave Grohl performing music and Boobs. One Day Jonno… One Day Jonno…

Jonno Heaven


Sadly this is the last day of my holiday feast, but I approach it like a prisoner getting his last meal before the execution. For lunch, I stuff my face with some hot dogs and fries and then eat a little leftover French Silk Pie for dessert. As dinner time approaches at Midway Airport, I'm still pretty full. In addition, I might be getting sick because I have that annoying little tickle in my throat. (Damn that 8k race!) The lady mentions to me that she wants to get some Matzo Ball soup at Manny's Deli. I then proceed to drool like Homer Simpson. For those that are not aware, Manny's Deli is a Chicago institution and probably one of my favorite places to eat at in the world. Despite being not that hungry and on the verge of getting sick, I suck it up and inhale a Pastrami Sandwich. On the negative note, the flight attendant made me purchase two seats on the flight back to LA.

Happy Fatsgiving everyone! 
If there was one thing my Thanksgiving feast was missing, it was a 6-piece Chicken McNugget. 

1. Whenever someone I don't know calls me "boss"... I have a feeling what they are really trying to say is... "Hey there schmuck, who will never be a real boss."  

2. I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty much unbeatable when it comes to playing "Apples to Apples." The key is to know your judge and conform to his/her personality when selecting your card. (Tip free of charge)  

3. Stuffing is an extremely underrated side dish and needs to be something we eat as a society year-round. Who's with me?  

4.  "I'm going to jump up in the air and then have somebody take my picture! It's going to be so cool!" - Every girl on Facebook

5. There aren't too many quality comedies on network TV these days, but "The Goldbergs" is one of the few. Good writing, good characters and good emotion. (The opposite of my writing)

6. I actually told my wife to be quiet so I could watch One Direction perform on "Saturday Night Live." Hmm... Maybe what I really need is a husband.  


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Jonno Sits Courtside

Well folks I can officially mark one off the bucket list. (And no I did not visit the Chicken McNugget factory at McDonald Headquarters or have a sword fight in a public bathroom with Dave Grohl)  The other night I got to sit courtside at the Lakers game. I’m sure many of you are wondering how in the hell someone like me would be in those seats. To be honest, I’m still wondering myself.

It was a Monday afternoon and I was just doing my normal thang at work. My wealthy and powerful CEO walks into the office and yells out “Who wants to go to the Lakers vs. Jazz game tomorrow night? I got four tickets.” I was in complete shock. I was aware he had courtside tickets next to the Lakers bench, but I never thought in my wildest dreams he would ever give them to some peon such as myself. Let’s face it, there are more important people in the world to wine and dine than this guy...

My latest modeling headshot. Thoughts?
I look around the office and it is complete silence. If nobody else was going to step up to the plate, I sure as heck was going to take advantage of this golden opportunity. So I turn to him and say “I’ll take one. Or two. If that’s okay of course.” I didn’t want to be too greedy and plus I would have been perfectly fine going by myself. Fortunately, he was gracious enough to give me two tickets and then a co-worker stepped in and took the other two. 

Even though this was an exhibition game, Kobe was out with his injury and they were playing the lowly Utah Jazz, I was still more than ecstatic. Growing up a die-hard NBA fan, it was always one of my dreams to sit courtside at a basketball game. When I was 8 years old my dad was able to score 12th row seats to a Bulls game, but then I sharted in my pants and totally ruined the whole experience. (True story) So what was going to happen now? Was I going to shart my pants again? Would I accidentally trip Paul Gasol and ruin the Lakers season? Or would I get hit in the face with a basketball, get my teeth knocked out and burst into tears in front of national television? It all just seemed to good to be true.

The wife and I arrive at the Staples Center and the usher points us to our seats. For some reason we misunderstand her directions and walk to the wrong side of the court. Good start Jonno! You are really making it seem like you belong here. Finally we get to our seats and take everything in. It was quite a beautiful site.  

Who knew white people played in the NBA?

We are both starving and have about 20-25 minutes before the game starts. Somebody had mentioned to me that our tickets would get us into a private VIP lounge underneath the tunnel where they have free food and drinks. I didn’t want to leave our seats, but at the same time the fat Jewish kid in me could not pass up a free meal. I was hoping we could scarf down some grub and then make it back to the seats before the player introductions.

We waddle into the lounge and there are about 30 rich people eating and drinking. I think I even saw Andy Garcia in there, but I didn’t care because my mind was only focused on one thing. (Side note: I think Andy Garcia might be the most famous actor, where no one can name a movie he has actually been in.) I make my way to the buffet and just go absolutely nuts. I pile on my plate mini hamburgers, hot dogs, brawts, egg rolls, pot stickers, onion rings, lettuce wraps and a carrot cake cupcake.  

Me at the Buffet Line
I honestly don’t know what happens to me when I’m confronted with free food. It's like I get possessed my some chubby devil. Or maybe its possible in a former life I was starving in Ethiopia and now I'm trying to make up for it. All I know is that I was embarrassing the wife and disgusting Andy Garcia at the same time. As I’m stuffing my face with onion rings, I ironically see one of my fraternity brothers from college. We chatted for a little bit and both chuckled at the fact that we did not belong in the luxurious VIP lounge. 

We head back to the game and have to awkwardly cut through the Lakers' coaches in order to get back to our seats. I look up at the scoreboard and there are only six minutes left in the 1st Quarter! I couldn't believe the noshing and schmoozing caused me to miss that much of the game. Despite the late start, the game was absolutely unbelievable. I loved watching all the little behind the scene things such as... The coaches yelling at the players... Coaches/players yelling at the referees... Players talking smack to one another... Gawking uncomfortably at the Laker Girls...  The game went by so fast and I was praying for it to never end. Unfortunately though, the game was missing one thing... 

A 6-Piece Chicken McNuggets (Lakers Edition) 

1. If you are sitting in courtside seats and do not order from the waiter, he will give you the stink eye for the rest of the game.

2. Pau Gasol appears to be one of the friendliest players in the NBA. And if I may say... Quite a tall drink of water. 

3. There was a box of various types of gum next to me on the scores table. Late in the game, the Lakers Coach, Mike D'Antoni, reaches into the box and picks out a piece of Big Red. I then say to him... "Good Choice. Good Choice." Instead of giving me the finger, he laughed along at my comment. (Shortly after, I was tasered by security.) 

4. My dad was so excited as he was watching the game on TV back in Chicago, my mom actually thought he was going to jump into the TV. 

5. Can we move on from the "Kiss Cam" already? I feel like it's reached its full potential. Similar to how "The Wave" did in 1996. 

6. When you are watching the Lakers Girls, try not appear creepy and always keep your hands above your waist. 

Where's Jonno?


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

An Awkward Night at the Movies

The other night the wife and I saw the film “Prisoners.” For those that don't know, the movie is about a detective (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) who is trying to track down the individual that kidnapped Hugh Jackman’s young daughter. 

The Feel-Good movie of the year
As I was suffocating my face with popcorn and Junior Mints (a combination that surprising works,) I noticed a cell phone light shining a few rows ahead of me. I assumed it was a one-time deal for this individual, so I did my best to ignore it. Then a few minutes later, I see the cell pop up again and then a third time. All I could think was what the hell was wrong this person? Are they some type of ER surgeon? Do they work for the President? Are they receiving sexts from Joseph Gordon Levitt? 

 Only this would be a valid excuse. Am I right ladies?

A little later, two women sitting in the same row as the cell phone bandit get up and move a few rows back. Unless the mysterious cell phone bandit was passing horrible gas, it made no sense to me why the two ladies would make this switch. If you're going to switch seats then at least go in front of the cell phone bandit. Also, what’s the deal with everyone’s love affair with sitting in the middle of the rows and being crammed next to people? Don’t you guys realize it makes no difference to the movie experience? No one in history has ever said, “I saw Citizen Kane once in a theater, but couldn’t really enjoy it because I was stuck sitting in an aisle seat.”

Despite the mysterious cell phone bandit, the film is keeping my interest because of all the suspense and strong acting. We get towards the end of the movie and I’m at the edge-of-my-seat because I don't know what's going to happen (and plus I get scared easily.) It is dead silence and Jake Gyllenhaall is close to solving the kidnapping case. I hear a cell phone ring and I’m thinking… “Oh my God! Who is Jake Gyllenhaal’s character getting a phone call from? Could it be the victim? Is it the kidnapper? Who is it???? 

Instead I see a large Latino man in front of me answer his phone and shout, “Yo dude, I’m in a movie! Dude, I’m in a movie! Yo, I’m in a movie!” 

Finally, he gets off the phone and I look back at the screen and the movie is over. I totally missed the ending. I couldn't believe it. I turn to the wife to ask her about the ending and she didn't know either because she was also distracted. We then frantically ask people sitting near us to help explain what happened.  

Conventional wisdom should suggest that I should have told this large Latino fellow to pipe down and put the phone away. But my rule of thumb has always been to never confront a stranger unless I know I could beat them up in a fight. That's why whenever I have road rage and want to give a honk/middle finger, I first look at the driver to make sure its someone not very intimidating. 

My Road Rage Targets

The lights turn back on in the theater and I turn my attention to the cell phone bandit. I really want to see who this a-hole is. Lo and behold I see a young chubby girl probably around the age of 8 or 9. Are you effing kidding me? What parent in their right mind takes their young child to a violent and creepy film about a young girl getting kidnapped? I mean I'm 32 years old and even I felt traumatized by the movie.

As we're exiting down the steps of the theater the wife starts yelling various things out loud directed to both the large Latino Man and also the parent of the chubby little cell phone girl. Even though the wife was in the right, she was kind of out of control. I did my best to settle her down and avoid causing a scene. The last thing I needed was to have her rile them up and then I'm forced to defend her. (Cut to: Me getting put in a headlock by the large Latino fellow, while the chubby little cell phone girl kicks me in the balls.)

I think the lesson here is that our society is becoming more and more obsessed with cell phones. Don't you remember the good old days, when you would go to a movie and not have to worry about being disrupted by a shiny light or a obnoxious phone conversation? I really think we need to focus on...  (A cell phone buzzes)

Sorry guys, but I gotta go. Just got another sext from JGL.

Speaking of tasty and desirable treats... How about a 6-Piece Chicken McNugget?

1. Staying on the film subject.. The real reason Somali pirates hijacked the ship in "Captain Phillips" was to get their money back after seeing "Larry Crowne."

2. I was at Adam Carolla's studio for work (humblebrag) chatting and laughing it up with some of his staff. Right before I leave, I use their bathroom and notice there is a large piece of spinach/lettuce stuck in my front teeth. Lovely.   

3. Some people might work-out to remain thin, but I work-out to remain slightly doughy. 

4.  I'm resigned to the fact that the middle brother from Hanson will look like a hot chick for the  rest of my life.
Hot chick?

5. Speaking of hot blonde chicks... I recently saw Pamela Anderson at a coffee shop. All I can say it was extremely emotional for my left hand to be reunited with his first love.  We both cried.

6. Does anyone know how to get my penis enlargement emails to go directly to my inbox instead of my spam folder? I appreciate the help in advance. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Awkward House Crashers

Recently, I received an email from a woman inviting me to an alumni event for an organization. I had met this woman once before and wasn’t sure if she had actually intended to send me this email since I was not a member or alumni of the organization. 

I was planning on ignoring the email, until I saw the event was being hosted at the home of Alex Kurtzman, one of the biggest screenwriters in the industry. Kurtzman and his writing partner are responsible for the Star Trek and Transformers franchises and a plethora of other blockbusters. 

So I thought maybe I should give it a shot? When else am I going to be able to schoomze at an A-List screenwriter's house. Maybe we could hit it off and he'd want to give me a gig on his next film.

I could be Chris Pine's fluffer in Star Trek 3.

I sent the woman an email to RSVP and with my response made sure it was cool for the wife and I to attend the event without being alumni of said organization.

Jonno: Hello, my wife and I were interested in attending. Is this only for current members and alumni?

Woman(her reply): Your wife is welcome to attend with you. Can you pass along her name? I will add her to the list. Look forward to seeing you.

Given that information, the wife and I got dolled up and made the drive out to Santa Monica for the event. The home was of course beautiful and a few steps away from the beach. We are greeted when we walk in, found our name cards and headed over to the backyard where the event was taking place. The backyard featured the coolest tree house I have ever seen, nicely set tables, tasty hors d'eouvres and a bartender serving beverages. Despite the great scenery, the wife and I were still concerned that we would be the only outsiders at the event.  

Right away a woman introduces us and I see from her name tag it’s the screenwriter’s wife. I make a few jokes about the tree house and instead of being repulsed she is laughing along. I’m thinking this is absolutely perfect! When she introduces me to her husband, I’ll be introduced as the “ridiculously good-looking, funny guy.” Okay maybe the ridiculosuly good-looking part might be a stretch. Can we at least agree I'm semi-good looking with decent lighting? 

While we are waiting in line for a drink, I see the woman who had sent me the email. I say hello to her and can immediately sense she has no idea who I am. I try to explain to where we met and it’s still not resonating.  I'm not sure why this always happens to me. I remember meeting people, but they can never remember meeting me. What's going with all of you? What about me is not friggin memorable?!  (Sorry had to vent there for a second.) I'm back.

The wife gets a little nervous from the awkward interaction and says to her, “Thanks again for inviting us to this great event even though were not members.”

The woman’s face turns to complete and utter shock.

“Oh God, I think I made a big mistake. Uhh… Why don’t we go talk somewhere else,” she says.

The woman was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone else in attendance to hear our conversation. So we move to another location to chat. A location of course that was closer to the exit. 

“Yeah, I’m really sorry, but I think I made a mistake. You could stay if you want, but it might be really awkward for you,” she says.

Hello McFly? How come you didn’t mention this in our email convo, when I blatantly said we weren’t current members or alumni? When I politely brought it to her attention, the woman didn’t really have a response. My guess is that she thought I was a different Jon Cohen, when she sent me the original email. Despite giving us the option to say, I got the vibe she really wanted us to leave. So after being there for a little over five minutes the wife and I headed out.

Given this is not the first time someone has gotten me mixed out up with another Jon Cohen, I’m thinking its time I changed my name to something more original. 

Yours Truly,

McNuggets Cohen (And a great segue if I may add)  

1. I was walking back to my car and saw a white string hanging from the bottom of my car. As I reached for the string, my hand became smothered in slimy and mucusy snot. Just wanted to make you aware in case you see me and my hand looks like this...

There goes my hand modeling career

2. Speaking of stupid incidents, the other night I lost my balance walking down the stairs at my home. If someone would have filmed it, I would be just as famous as the crushing/groaning grapes lady.

3. I recently had two dreams back-to-back where a Trader Joe's employee threatened to beat my ass. So I was wondering, does anyone know of any good deals at Whole Foods?   

4. I highly recommend seeing the film "The Way Way Back." It was a fantastic coming of age story that had me smiling the whole way through. It's a shame the film industry is a steaming pile of crap and doesn't make movies like this anymore. (Except of course any of Alex Kurtzman's films) 

5. I'm thinking about learning another language. Not because I have a desire to enrich my own knowledge, but so that I can talk extremely loud in public places.

6. When it comes to photo comments on Facebook, it appears some of us are throwing around "gorgeous" a little too loosely. Let's all be honest and not mislead people. Thank you for your time.