Saturday, June 21, 2014

Meet Rico: My Wife's Emotional Friend

As you may or may not know, my wife does a great deal of traveling with her job. In the past year, she has visited places such as Puerto Rico, Costa Rico, Mexico, Bahamas and Turks and Caicos. A lot of people ask me, “Jonno, how come you never get to go with on the trips?”

That is a fair question, but the reason is because my wife is unfortunately only allowed to take one guest with her. And that person is of course Rico.

Meet Rico
The wife met Rico on her first trip when she went to the Dominican Republic. It's actually kind of an interesting story how they met.  My wife was getting a massage at the resort she was staying at and Rico was her masseuse. Despite Rico only knowing very little English, they hit it off right away. And apparently, he gives the BEST massages. My wife explains that Rico has extremely strong hands, yet at the same time they are soft like a baby gorilla. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get a massage from Rico! 

His hands are so strong, his speedo is about to fall off! LOL!

Ever since that first trip Rico and my wife have kept in touch and became really close friends. So he accompanies her on all of the trips. My wife did tell me that if Rico can't go or if she's allowed to bring another person, that I would be her first choice. (Fingers crossed!) Also, my wife has assured me that there is no physical attraction whatsoever and Rico just provides her with emotional support. And after seeing the size of Rico's schnoz, I totally believe her. Hello big nose! Barbara Streisand called and wants her nose back! LOL!  

Now, I know some of you are thinking why doesn't my wife take me on her work trips instead of Rico. Here are a few reasons why she feels Rico is better a travel partner... 

  • Safety: I will admit that Rico is a muscular specimen and it's not really safe for a young woman to travel overseas by herself. So Rico sleeps with my wife at night to make sure no harm comes her way.  
  • Sun Protection: My wife has extremely porcelain skin and it's not good for her to be exposed to too much sun. Fortunately Rico always carries sunscreen on him and makes sure to rub suntan lotion all over my wife's body. And let me tell you, he does not a miss spot.   
  •  Photography: One of my wife's hobbies is photography. She loves taking photos wherever she goes and I want to encourage her to follow her passion. And given that Rico dabbles in speedo modeling, he is able to help add more to her portfolio. Below are a few pics my wife has taken of Rico. You can see she really is talented! 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Some people may look at my wife's relationship with Rico as odd, but I just see the three of us as one happy family. The most important part of any relationship is trust and there is nobody I trust more in this world than my wife. I know she loves me and would never... Sorry guys, I gotta go... Apparently my wife needs to use the computer so she can do her nightly Skype with Rico. Those crazy kids sure like to have fun!      

Rico may have a sexy 6-pack, but I have a juicy and luscious 6-piece Chicken McNugget! 

 1. I was waiting for the elevator in the garage of my apartment building. The doors open up and this woman in her mid-to-late 40s sees me and screams at the top of her lungs. I wonder if this type of stuff ever happens to Rico? 

2. My birthday is not for a few weeks and I'm already concerned about the amount of Facebook attention I'm going to get.

3. I think the only way I'll be able to own a house in LA, is if my dry skin suddenly becomes worth money.

4. Mark my words... Thomas Middleditch (the lead guy on "Silicon Valley") will be one of the biggest comedy stars in 2-3 years. 

5. Thank God they are making a sequel to "The Purge" because the first film left so many unanswered questions. 
Such as... Why did this movie get made? 

6. I think this picture of "The Purge" is going to cause me to sleep with the light on tonight. 


Sunday, June 08, 2014

I Don't Belong at Concerts

Recently, I went to see the one and only Billy Joel perform at the Hollywood Bowl. I have seen Mr. Joel perform once before at Wrigley Field when he went on tour with Elton John. Given my loyalties to the South Side, it’s difficult for me to enjoy anything at Wrigley Field, but the Piano Man put on a great show. I wanted to see more of him, but unfortunately I had to sit through Elton John who acted like he wanted to leave as soon as possible because he had a deep dish pizza waiting for him.

A Not-So Tiny Dancer
I’m not really the type to appreciate pretty scenery, but there really isn't a better venue than the Hollywood Bowl. You got the mountains.. The sunset... The beautiful weather... An iconic musician... What else could you want out of an evening? Despite all of these positives, I of course had to find something to complain about. For starters, here are a few general things that annoy me about people at concerts:

-The Sing-Along: Hey, I’m paying around $100 a ticket to hear Billy Joel sing, not Billy Bob, the sweaty guy to my right in the fedora hat, who just smoked an ounce of weed and has the harmony of nails on a chalkboard.    

-Phones: What has happened to us? Why does every single person and their mother feel the need to take pictures and record video every friggin second? Is anyone ever actually going to watch these videos? And isn’t the whole point of going to a concert is so you can see the show LIVE?

I'm extremely jealous of their data plan.

-Arm Raising/Pointing: I feel around 10 years ago this whole trend of arm raising/pointing to the rhythm of the music started. I’m not sure who started this obnoxious trend, but it needs to stop. Not only are you distracting me with your arm up in the air, but you look like a mentally challenged orchestra conductor.    

Back to Billy Joel at the Bowl. Right before the concert is about to begin, three women run in and sit in front of us. (By the way, why is it always the people who come in at the last minute that turn out to always be the most annoying?) They were probably in the 40s, but acted and dressed like they were in their 20s. I don’t know if they were hyped on sugar or coke, or a combination of both… But they could not sit still and were dancing, hopping and bopping. 

Look, I know exactly what you're thinking... So let's do a quick Q and A with Jonno. 

Q: Hey idiot, this is a concert! So what the hell do you expect?
A: Fair question, but there's no reason for the hostility. This is part of the reason why I don't belong at concerts.  

Q: Can't you just block it out? 
A: No, I can't! That's the problem! I have issues people! 

Q: Have you considered seeking help from a mental health specialist?
A:  I have and I'm willing to accept any referrals. 

Eventually, my annoyance from the Three Stooges transferred over to a strong stench. It wasn’t pot or bad gas, instead was a smoky BBQ smell. Look, I love a good BBQ as much as the next person, but this smell was so intense it was making me nauseous. I turn to my left and this tiny, quiet Asian woman is chowing down on the most humongous turkey leg I have ever seen. Actually, I don’t think it was a turkey leg, it was more like a dinosaur leg from the size of this thing. Explain to me who the hell goes to a Billy Joel concert at the Hollywood Bowl and decides to eat the largest piece of meat they can find? And where did she find this piece of meat? Did she go off into the Hollywood Hills and hunt down some sort of Wildebeast? At the very least she could have had the decency to take the turkey leg and smack around Charlie’s Annoying Angels with it.

As for the concert itself, Billy Joel never disappoints. The guy is a legend and an amazing performer. I kind of got the vibe though that he doesn't really enjoy playing his hits and would rather sing his more personal songs. The song I was dying to hear the most was “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and unfortunately he chose not to play that song. He did another show at the Bowl a few nights later that a friend of mine went to. During the concert, I receive a video text from him. Any guesses which song that may be?  Of course it had to be "We Didn't Start the Fire." 

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to officially announce my retirement from concerts. So continue to enjoy your obnoxious bopping, turkey leg eating, phone recording, karaoke singing and distracting arm raising.   

One thing I will never retire from... A juicy and scrumptious 6-Piece McNugget!

1. Staying on the concerts subject... I also saw Bruno Mars play at the Hollywood Bowl recently. (And yes, I was the least cool person there) Before he started playing, we had a woman near us take a picture of me and the wife. I don't know if it was the angle or just a simple case of the Chunkers... But when I looked at the photo, I had a man boob the size of at least a C-cup. I looked like Cyclops Boob! Let's just say after seeing that photo, I had a little trouble shaking it to "Locked Out of Heaven."  

2. Speaking of man boobs... I'll be extremely disappointed if Jonah Hill doesn't get nominated for an Oscar for his apology speech on "The Tonight Show."   

3. Whoever designed the parking garages in LA, was either hyped up on a lot of drugs or is just trying to "F" with all of us. 
4. It pains me with jealously how well everyone from "Boy Meets World" has aged. I mean even Mr. Feeny looks better than me.  

5. "Edge of Tomorrow" was a much better film than I had anticipated. The only thing is that they should have gone with their original title... "Groundhog Day 2: Cruise Control." 

6. I was waiting to use the elevator and this attractive woman walks by. I continue to stare at her as I walk into the elevator. Not paying attention, I ram right into the elevator doors as they begin to close. Please just refer to me as "Slick Jonno" from now on.