Monday, March 30, 2009

Douchebaggery, Sweet Home Chicago, and Big Macs

You would think going out to breakfast on a Sat. morning @ 9:30 you would be in the clear of any douchebaggery, unfortunately that was not the case this past weekend for your friend Jonno. I was standing in line at nice cafeteria located within a grocery store – your order your food with the cashier and another server brings the food out to your table. Well, there were these two dudes (late 20's) in suits in line in front of me. I'm not really paying attention to them, because I'm engrossed with the menu and trying to figure out what I should feed my fat kid Robert with. After I make my decision (Cobb Omelet), I realize that the two douches are holding up the line. I turn around and I see a good six or seven people behind us. First of all, anytime you see two young guys in suits early on a Saturday morning, you know it’s not going to be good for business. There was a guy in between me and the two douches, and he politely asks them if they are in line to order. One of the douches turns around and says in a sarcastic and rude tone "It will just be a minute. Okay?" And I'm thinking in my head, "Here we go!" Finally, they walk up to the register to order and they start joking around with the cashier. I turn around and see there are about 10 people in line now, and these two idiots, don't even care that they are holding up this line. Finally, after about five minutes of banter with the cashier, they order and leave. Good riddance right? Not so fast.

We were meeting my GF's parents for breakfast and they had gotten there before us and already had a table. I walk over to them and of course her parents are sitting at a table right in front of the two douches. It turns out the two douches have been there for quite a while and were on their 2nd bottle of wine (yes, at 9:30 in the morning!) The douches are sitting with some woman in a business suit, but I don't think I heard a peep out of her. The douches were having an intense conversation and just dropping F-bombs and obscenities left and right. I don't know exactly what their conversation was about, but for a few minutes I felt like I was part of the movie "Boiler Room". I then hear one of the guys ask if they should get a third bottle of wine. At this point, I'm thinking I better get the hell out of here before I get a bottle smashed on my head, because this is only going to get uglier. We finished our breakfast and head out down the stairs to exit. All of us, were talking about how crazy the Douches were. And of course walking up the stairs passed us was Douche #1. Can you say awkward? We then go outside and walk down the street. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy running full speed in the middle of street dodging cars. And of course it is Douchebag #2. I have no idea what the hell he was doing or where he was going, but it felt like no matter where we went, we could not get away from them. Of course about an hour later we walk past the window of the cafĂ© and who’s still sitting there probably drink bottle #5? Yep, you guessed it – the douches. They probably sat there all day annoying innocent people like me with their douchebaggery.

I hope all of you learn a lesson from this and realize that douchebaggery is a serious subject that cannot be taken lightly. It us up to all of us to inform our youth about the severe dangers of douchebaggery. The next time you see your young child, get frosted hair tips; pop up his collar; wear a suit on Saturday when it is not for a funeral, wedding, meeting or bar mitzvah; tan five days a week’ wear a fedora hat; or just act like a complete jackasss in general, please get him counseling… immediately.

Other McNuggets (Btw, what's the most McNuggets you've ever eaten? I've put down a 20 piece before. If you want to have a contest, please let me know.)

-I cannot stand it when I get a foot long from Subway and the sandwich is not cut in half fully. I don't know why they would cut 3/4 of it and not the whole thing, because what happens is that I have to tear the friggin sandwich on my own and then it all falls apart in a big mess. I don't know about you, but it’s not like I have this gigantic sandwich knife that I can just pull out of my desk drawer at work. And if I did, that would just be kind of creepy.

-I think a law should be passed that if you are jogging outside and the people walking taking up the entire pathway in front of you are too dumb to realize that they should move out of your way, you should then just be allowed to push them out of your way. And since I am person of equality, it shouldn't matter if it’s a small child or an elderly lady. Everybody is fair game to get knocked out. Who's with me?

-I was waddling to work the other day, and since this is Chicago, I of course had some random dude come up to me. He says "Excuse Me! Excuse Me!" Given that I was running late for work, I unfortunately could not take time to help this man with solving world issues like the economy, terrorism, and global warming... So instead of being a jerk-off, I said "Sorry" and just kept on walking. He then replied "Sorry because I'm black!" Everybody please sing it with me... Ready one, two, three... "To the Same Old Place, sweet home Chicago".

-Speaking of this wonderful city, there is nothing better than at the end of March walking in a few inches of wet, slushy snow, and then getting pelted in the head from these heavy ass snowballs falling from the trees. All I needed was somebody to give me a wedgie and a punch in the balls and I would have been officially in hell.

-Is it wrong that when I saw the new trailer for the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge that I jumped off the couch, pumped my fist in the air, and screamed on the top of my lungs with joy? My gut instinct tells me yes.

-I finally saw "Milk" and the movie was decent. But after seeing Sean Penn jam his tongue down James Franco's throat, I was easily convinced he deserved the Oscar for Best Male Actor. Sorry Mickey Rourke, but kissing Maris Tomei ain't the same thing. Nice comeback though.

-I am convinced that Jay Leno has to be one of the worst TV personalities in history. I was dumb enough to stay up and watch his interview with President Obama. A friggin mute chimp could have done a better job interviewing our President. I think Obama's Special Olympic comment was done purposely not to offend anybody, but to keep the audience out of a coma.

-When the Chicago Bulls score over 100 points and win a game at home, everybody in the stands gets a free Big Mac. Well this past week, the Bulls had an important game against the Pistons. They ended up winning the game 99-91. Kirk Hinrich, who had a phenomenal game, missed a free throw that would have given them 100 points and everyone a free Big Mac. At the end of the game, fans booed loudly and even personally at Hinrich, who pretty much was the reason they won. I have an idea, instead of shooting T-Shirts out of that blasting gun device into the stands, I say we shoot piles of monkey feces at all of those idiotic obese fans. That should shut them up.

I'm Out!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston

I was walking to work the other day, listening to the Jonas Brothers on my ipod (don't judge - I can't control what comes on the shuffle) and there was a crazy amount of street construction going on. I was kind of zoning out in my own world (this usually consists of my dreaming of rainbow sprinkles, Muppets, and breasts). I attempted to cross the street, but it was blocked off with yellow tape. One would think the yellow tape would be a sign to an individual, "Hey Dumbass, don't walk this way", but being the rebel that I am, I kept walking ahead. I figured I could just step over the yellow tape or do an awkward limbo underneath it, but right as I was approaching the yellow tape head on, like a mean, angry bull.... My left foot sinks down into the ground, like quicksand. My foot had to go into the cement substance at least a good 3 feet. Yeah, this cement substance had apparently not dried yet. I lift my foot out of the gook and it is completely smothered in cement. And of course with my luck, I had to be wearing my 7 Jeans, which happen to be the most expensive jeans that I own. I'm sure many of you are wondering why a schlub such as myself would be wearing designer jeans. And that is a valid question-- I wake up many mornings wondering the same thing. But, back to the story – so, I take my left leg out of the cement. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I quickly turn around to see if anybody witnessed this disaster and I of course I see a few people snickering. Fuckers! I debated going back home and changing, but I was already running late as it was. So I decided to just plunge ahead. I really did feel like jackass walking down the street with one leg drenched in cement. I felt like a version of the comic book villain Two Face, except my name would be Two Foot. Or would it be Two Feet? I'm not sure, but you get the idea. Even though I endured much public embarrassment and humiliation from my incident, I feel like a hero in some ways. Because from my misfortunes, I can now protect and spread the awareness to rest of America and our children from the dangers of Yellow Construction Tape.

Other Chicken McNuggets.....

-The best part of St. Patricks Day is not the parades and the all day drunkenness... It's the fact that you know McDonalds is now offering the shamrock shake.

-I was on the bus coming back from the Bulls game and there was a Haitian male in his late 40's sitting by himself. As I was attempting to talk to my GF, I kept seeing the Haitian male smiling and giggling at me out of the corner of my eye. I did my best to ignore him, but I could not help myself from occasionally glancing at him. Every time I looked at him he would be smiling at me. It felt like this was a game you play with a two-year-old child. You know the whole peek-a-boo game, except I was playing it with a Haitian male in his late 40's, on a bus at 11 o’clock on a Saturday night. A little strange I would say. But, to make a long story short, it must have been fate. Serendipity if you will, because as I write this, he is soaking my left cemented foot in hot water, while wearing a thong. And of course he is smiling at me.

-Before I mention this next nugget... I've noticed many older and younger relatives of mine hopping on the facebook bandwagon. Which is perfectly fine, this is a social networking site for the public, but be aware, you might see or hear stuff that may be more than a bit disturbing and inappropriate. I apologize in advance, but it is my duty to inform the public on my awkward misfortunes.

-I really think my "special member" is playing tricks one me. I don't know if any of you males or she-males have this issue, but whenever I'm done urinating, I give it two or three shakes to double-check, I then zip up my pants thinking I'm finished, and then (surprise) a few drips shoot out. This is constantly happening and I don't get it. I don't know if I should go on Oprah and ask Dr. Oz about this or if I should wear a diaper, but this is getting awfully frustrating. On the other hand, I know my "special member" is having a ball with the practical jokes. And don't even get me started what "he" does to me when I have a check-up at the doctor's office. Let's just say, he has a tendency to do his best "turtle impression".

-Speaking of my special member, what's the deal with Jennifer Anniston? I just don't get it! Something must be up with the gal. I mean I know she was dating douchebag Mayer, but how does this girl keep on getting dumped? She is friggin gorgeous and a highly successful actress. She must be one hell of a psychotic biatch behind closed doors, but even that wouldn't be enough for guys to keep on dumping her. There are plenty of dudes who marry hot ass basket cases. I think there's something else about her, which is why I've come to the conclusion that she is a constant, obsessive farter. She must pass the worse gas and give the most vile Dutch Ovens than no human has given before. That is the only explanation that would make sense to me

I'm Out!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Chipotle, Grunting, and Hugh Jackman

I waddled into Chipotle the other day to get some grub. I went with my usual, the burrito bowl with chicken. Now the secret to the burrito bowl is to ask for extra rice. This way you get more food without paying extra. (And btw, I'm fully aware I'm pathetic.) This old trick was taught to me by a friend a few years back. It is very imperative that you get the timing down as to when you ask for the extra scoop of rice. You have to make sure you ask for it right after she's scooped the first serving of. So I admit, I was a little rusty. I haven't had a burrito bowl in a while, so I knew my timing would be a bit off. I focused in on the Chipotle server to the best of my ability. When I felt the timing was right, I asked for my extra rice. I felt did a decent job, after being out of the game for a while. The chipotle server turned to one of her co-workers, said something in Spanish, and laughed. I'm not exactly sure what they said, but my guess is that it's something along the lines of "Hey, check out this cheap fatso trying to get more rice. What a loser." They can say whatever they want, but that's not going to stop me from getting my extra scoop of rice.

Speaking of Chipolte, I had the pleasure of using a public bathroom recently. I was finishing up my business in one of the stalls and some dude bursts into the bathroom breathing extremely heavy, almost panting. The combination of the burst and heavy breathing is never a good sign. It usually means, get out of the bathroom as fast as you can. This is not going to be pretty. And that was exactly the case. The dude gets in a stall, dropped his pants, and starts moaning and grunting like no other. Now, I've dropped some major loads in my day. But never once have I resorted to such obscene and repulsive grunting. Okay, maybe there was that one time with the jalapenos, but in all fairness that was in the privacy of my own home. The grunter would not let up, I thought he was giving birth to octuplets in there or something. I know you're struggling there buddy, but keep the sound effects to yourself. The lesson here is people, whenever somebody bursts into the bathroom at a rapid pace, you get the hell out of there at a rapid pace.

Other McNuggets.... (Sorry, I just drooled on myself.)

-I watched the Oscars the other night. I understand that the reason they chose the hunky, beefcake Hugh Jackman to host, is that they were trying to appeal to all the women out there. But there are a decent amount of men who watch the Oscars. And I don't find Hugh Jackman particularly funny nor entertaining. So the next time you pick some boring stud muffin as a host, at least have some Scarlett Johansson cleavage in the background. It's only fair.

-I was crunching on some pretzels at work the other day in my cubicle. And in my own head the crunching sounded so loud, as if it was Godzilla trying to eat a car. So I became extremely self-conscious about this and wondered if the crunching is as loud to the other people sitting around me? I may just have to tape record myself crunching, to get the bottom of this. Don't worry, I'll let you in on the results.

-I know there is all this controversy over what the hell is up with Joaquin Phoenix and his Letterman appearance. First of all, I highly doubt Joaquin Phoenix was doing some sort of act. The guy has always been a bit on the loony side. His parents were part of a cult, he endured the traumatic death to his brother, and I remember hearing he has some sort of social phobia. But I will tell you this about the guy, he is one hell of an actor. He would be a fool to retire from acting. That would be like me retiring from eating and waddling. If you haven't seen him in "We Own The Night" and "Two Lovers" you're definitely missing out. He's right up there with Leonardo Dicrapio.

-In other news, I've heard reports that Rihanna and Chris Brown are getting back together. Anybody who is falling for this crap, is too gullible. What's going on here , is that she's trying to help Chris Brown's image and get his career back together. It's more of a publicity stunt. I also believe she's trying to play mind games with me, by playing hard to get. Rihanna, I get it. I can play that game if you want, but I'm just too mature for that. If it's really meant to be, we will be together under your umbrella.

I'm Out!