Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day, Wet Dreams, and Matthew McConaughey

A Happy Mother's Day to all!

When speaking about this topic, there is one Mother's Day that stands out from all the others. It was about ten years ago now and the whole family went to go see the film "Election", starring Matthew Broderick and Reese Witherspoon. I had not heard much about the movie, except that it was an independent film produced by MTV. I admit I was a little suspicious of the movie, because I knew it was a dark comedy, but my mom wanted to see it. This was of course her day, so there was nothing I could really do to dissuade her. We got to the theater, plopped down in our seats, shoveled popcorn into our mouths (it must be a genetic thing), got comfortable, and then the movie began. It was probably only one minute into the movie when Matthew Broderick's character has a conversation with his co-worker (who is apparently having an affair with one of his students). This character bluntly states "Her pussy gets so wet, you wouldn't believe it!" At this point my whole family is frozen in the moment; my Mom, Dad, older sister and me. That thing you fear the most whenever you see a movie with your parents, had just happened. Now, I realize some parents are different than others, but my Dad is not the person you want to be sitting next to when there is any mention of sex. I don't know what it is, but his presence and reaction magnifies the awkward level to the 100th degree. I mean did the screenwriter really have to start off with that line of dialogue? Couldn't he have waited just thirty minutes or an hour? I guess in a way, he was trying to warn us for the inevitable so that we could leave before it only got worse.

I think at this point, all of us knew that the film was going to be bad news, but I guess we were hoping for that slim chance, that maybe the worst part was out of the way. I think we lasted about another 20 minutes into the film. The last straw was when Chris Klein's sister in the film, starting making out with some other chick. My dad had enough by this point, so he got up and yelled "That's it!" and left. Could I blame him? Not really. There was really no way to bounce back from that initial line of dialogue. Any small mention or reference to sex was going to be the icing on the cake. (Mmmmm cake....)

After we left the movie, we went to have dinner, but none of us were the same. It was as if, we had all just gone to war. We could not get that line of dialogue out of our heads. I think my dad was contemplating, finding out where the screenwriter lived and punching him in the face, while I was thinking how I could invent a time machine to prevent this experience from ever happening. I never did see the rest of "Election". From what I hear it’s a quirky, dark comedy. Most people even that seemed to enjoy it even. I guess ten years later, it’s something that we can all look back on and laugh at now. Fortunately now, thanks to IMDB and other similar resources, we can now prevent any other types "Election" moments from happening again. So yesterday for Mother's Day, my whole family and I went to see "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang" and really enjoyed it. It's a must see!

Other McNuggets...

-I recently bumped into one of my Fraternity pledge brothers, who I haven't seen in years... And I never know if I should shake his hand normally or give the Fraternity handshake. So because of my indecisiveness, I end up giving him an awkward "Edward Retardo-Handshake." Can somebody please tell me the cut-off age for Fraternity hand-shakes? I say Fraternity handshakes expire four years after graduation. The only scenario where you can use the handshake after that is at a Fraternity Alumni Function, but who the hell goes to those? Come on people, it's time to move on...

-I don't know how this happens, but whenever I open up my yogurt at work, it always splatters onto my pants. I don't know if it’s from being in the fridge and then it taking out, but somehow the yogurt always manages to explode onto my pants and it looks like I just had a wet dream. On the bright side, if I ever do have a wet dream at work, I can blame it on the yogurt.

-Speaking of wet dreams, I was surfing the net and came across this porn site (Oh shut up, we all do it), where this girl had three boobs. Now, I don't know if it was a birth defect or an implant, but whatever the case was, I found it extremely repulsive and nauseating, and I cannot get the image out of my head. Sorry, I just wanted to share that with all of you.

-I was in LA recently having lunch with my friend, (because as we all know I'm kind of a big deal) and there were these stereotypical LA girls having a loud conversation right behind us. As I take a bite into my buffalo chicken sandwich, their topic of conversation suddenly changed to their menstruation and dryness issues in a specific area. Can you say Yummy?

-I recently saw "Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past" (I was forced to) and I came to the realization that Matthew McConaughey must be the most one-dimensional actor in history. I mean the guy has played the same character more than Stallone has played "Rocky". Every movie he is in, he plays a womanizer, with a Southern accent, who pissed off some girl because of his bachelor ways. So he ends up realizing what he wants is true love and has to win her back. And he always does the same thing when he acts, where he drops his mouth open and sticks out his hand. If I do that I look like I just crapped in my pants. But, somehow he's able to pull it off where he looks hot and studly. Not fair folks.

I'm Out!