Friday, June 21, 2013

The Wallet

Given it was recently Father’s Day and social media was overflowing with irritating tributes, I figured now would be a good time to share a different type of story. A story where my father was so disgusted with me I thought he was going to trade me in for a young boy from Somalia.
It was the summer going into my junior year of college and I went go see “American Pie 2” with a buddy on a Friday night (horrible sequel, but I have to admit “American Reunion” is not getting the respect it deserves.) The next day I went to grab my wallet and it wasn’t there. I was mystified because I left my wallet in the same place every day (a basket by the front door.) I looked all over the house and there was no trace of it. Because I am a horribly honest individual I made the mistake of informing my dad of the situation.

“What? How could you lose it? Why are you so irresponsible? What is wrong with you?” My dad was absolutely furious with me. I felt like James Van Der Beek (minus the good looks and success) in that scene from “Varsity Blues” when he was getting berated by his father.

I don't want your life, but can I borrow 20 bucks?

With not many options available, my dad ordered me to go back to the movie theater to find the wallet. Unfortunately nobody at the theater had seen any wallets, but told me I could search inside. So I got on my hands and knees on the sticky and buttery floor to look underneath the seats. No dice. Then I had the thought that maybe I lost my wallet in the parking lot. I got on my hands and knees again and looked underneath cars and still came up empty.  

I returned home and my dad expressed his disappointment some more and told me to call and cancel my credit cards. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Even though it was just a wallet with a little over a $100, two credit cards and my driver’s license, I felt like my life was over.  

As I spoke with the credit card company on the phone, my dad walked towards me. I thought he was going to bitch slap me, but instead he hands me a small, leather, square-shaped item. It was my wallet! I was in complete and utter shock. How did he find it? Was my dad some kind of hero? Did he beat up and tackle the thief that stole it? Not even close.  

“I thought your wallet was mine and took it to work,” my dad explained in a non-apologetic tone and with that he simply walked away.    

Dad, even though you caused me an unbelievable amount of grief that day and I’m now traumatized for life about losing my wallet, you’re still the best father and role model a son could ask for. Plus, we’re pretty much even since I chose a profession that would be any father’s nightmare… a writer.  

Happy Belated Father’s Day!

Speaking of Father’s Day, do you want to know what a good gift would be? A juicy and succulent 6-Piece McNugget.
1. I was sitting on my couch the other day and heard two women screaming at each other across the street. Some time passes and then I see one of the women, 50s, calmly walk up the driveway and then out of nowhere she starts keying a VW Bug parked there. She gets back in her car and drives off. A few minutes later, I hear the other woman screaming on her phone. “How could you key Asshole on my car!” God, I love neighbors.

2. Speaking of neighbors…in one of my previous blogs, I mentioned how I had this little hipster dude who lived above me and would stomp around all night and run down the stairs like his feet were on fire. Fortunately I moved recently and don’t have to deal with his crap. That was until I realized he works right by new place and parks on my street everyday. Hmm…If only I knew an insane individual that could key his car…           

3. I have a gut feeling the reality Bravo TV show “Princesses of Long Island,” which follows the lives of rich and spoiled Jewish young girls, is not going to help the issue of anti-semitism around the world.  

The sad part is that each one of these girls rejected me on JDate.

4. Twitter should consider changing its name to "The reason my foot fell asleep while sitting on the toilet."  

5. Not sure why Kanye West named his baby Northwest, since there seem to be a lot of white people in that direction. 

6. I would be one unstoppable human being, if my motivational thoughts in the shower also existed outside of the shower. 


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Bad Jonno Jobs

When you’re looking for work you typically try to think of all the jobs you would be good at. Since that’s depressing and kind of annoying, I thought it would be more fun to think of all the jobs I would be absolutely horrible at. Come along and go on a journey with me as we look at some miserable jobs for Jonno.

P.S. Recruiters and HR personnel: DO NOT READ THIS! LOL! 
(My laughing turns into crying hysterically) 

Cab Driver:  I wouldn’t say I’m a bad driver, it’s just that I tend to be overly safe and cautious. It also doesn’t help that I have a horrible sense of direction. For instance, It took me 40 minutes to pick up a former co-worker who lived a mile away from me. Because of these issues, I’m insecure about driving people which would make me the world’s worst cab driver. To help reinforce my point even more, here are some of my driving highlights: 
  • When I first got my driver’s permit, I didn’t really know how to turn, so I ended up driving my parent’s mini-van into a tree.
  • In college, I was driving around at night and I got pulled over by the police, because they thought I was drunk. Sadly, I was 100% sober and just driving poorly.   
  • When I lived in downtown Chicago, I once drove my car through an automatic parking garage door of a high-rise. Even though people might not believe me, this was not my fault. The automatic garage door was anti-semitic and refused to go up for me.

Handyman: I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have a handy bone in my body. I can’t even do the simplest of tasks, except for changing light bulbs. I don't mean to brag, but I'm a badass at that.

Ironically, this was also when I lost my virginity.

Typically my landlords like me, but one thing they can’t stand is that I call them with the most   miniscule issues. Some of these include replacing a towel rack, resetting an outlet, or even igniting the pilot to a stove. By the way, would anyone mind coming over to help me hang a few pictures? My landlord is not returning my calls. (Feel free to private message me.)             

Balloon Animal Specialist: I realize this isn’t a real full-time job, but I figured this lack of skill was worth mentioning. My best guess as to why I can’t blow up balloons, is because I got punched in the nose by some ass-wipe kid named Louie in the first grade. I think this messed up my breathing and gave me a deviated septum. Ever since that incident, I have continuously struggled to blow my nose or inhale pot correctly. In college, I was interning at a radio station and we had to blow up balloons for an event. It was horribly embarrassing when the radio station’s staff realized I couldn’t blow up a single balloon. I think the only reason I didn't get fired that day was because everyone enjoyed the free entertainment I was providing.   

When I was a PA for a comedy short film, the producer wanted me to blow up some water flotation device. In order to avoid embarrassment, I politely explained I couldn't do that. The producer couldn’t understand why and yelled at me to do it. With no other choice, I blew into the plastic alligator and of course nothing happened. The producer dude called me an idiot and told me to put my hand over the hole as I blew into it. (Jonno’s fellatio tip of the day) I implemented his instructions and it actually worked! This moment still stands as the biggest accomplishment of my life.         

Stripper: When you’re a former fat kid you are pretty much scarred for life when it comes to taking your shirt off. At a swimming pool you can avoid taking off your shirt by saying you’re allergic to chlorine or that you get burned easily. Unfortunately that excuse would not work as well in a strip club. Then again maybe I could become a bottomless stripper? Actually that wouldn’t work either because I'm also ashamed of that body part. I do have nice legs though. 

They're real and they're spectacular.

Any job involving watching Horror films: You would think at the age of 31, I would be able to tolerate horror films. Sadly this is not the case. I still close my eyes during the trailers or frantically change the channel when a scary commercial pops up on TV. If I ever had to edit a horror film, I would most likely resemble Stevie Wonder playing the piano (minus his smiling and brilliance of course.)

If there is one job I would be good at, it's coming up with scrumptious McNuggets…

1. I found the best Father’s Day gift for my dad this year… A better son.  

2. If you want to hear about other people's break-ups, I recommend going hiking anywhere in LA. 

3. Men all over the world can now thank Michael Douglas for the best excuse to avoid orally pleasuring their girlfriend or wife. 

The star of the sequel to "Falling Down"... "Going Down"

4. Whenever someone tells you they are going to a friend’s birthday party over the weekend, they really have no plans and are embarrassed to admit it.
5. Can we all just shut up now about "Arrested Development"? I get that it was an extremely clever show with great characters, but as you can see from their latest comeback there was a reason it was cancelled. Speaking of comebacks... Where the heck is "Alf"?  

6. Finally got to watch “The Hunger Games” and I was pleasantly surprised to have enjoyed it. The only thing is that I have this gut feeling it should have been a book.