Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Wax On, Wax Off

It was brought to my attention from a doctor's appointment that I have a lot of ear wax build up. Sorry ladies and little boys... My sexy, hot beefcake self might not be as desirable as once thought. I've always associated ear wax build up with an elderly person. But as I've learned throughout my 28 years, I tend to get many symptoms that an elderly person would have. So I was kind of hoping that I could get the ear wax out myself with a cue tip, but apparently it was so far in my ear that I had to go to a specialist. I don't know why my general doctor couldn't attempt to get it out, but my guess is that he did not want to get anywhere near it. Can I blame him? Not really. So I ended up making an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor. After waiting for about an hour, my name finally gets called. By the way, why is it that I see the weirdest friggin people in doctor's waiting rooms? On second thought, maybe I look weird to the other people too? Okay, I'm just gonna shut up now.

I explain to the doctor's assistant that I need to get my ears cleaned out. Her reaction made it seem like this was a normal occurrence, so that made me feel a bit more comfortable. The doctor's assistant leaves the room and tells me that they'll be right back to clean them out. Now, in my mind I pictured them using some type of instrument, like a scalpel or something to get the ear wax out. But apparently I was wrong. These two nurses walk in with this mega huge super soaker looking device. It looked like the hose that fireman use to put out a massive fire. The nurses put this large tarp over me and I my head is spinning from not knowing what the hell is going on. The one nurse fills up this super soaker thingy, while the other nurse holds a cup underneath my ear. It would've been nice to hear some type of explanation of what's going to happen, but instead they just got right down to business. The nurse with the super soaker walks over to me and precedes to shoot the water into my ear. And I'm not just talking about a little squirt or two. It felt like she was pouring all of Lake Michigan into my ear at a hundred miles per hour. And it friggin hurt folks! I wanted to cry, but the one percent of integrity I have was able to beat out the 99 percent of panziness I have. Usually the 99 percent always wins.

So after a few minutes of shooting this water into my ear. The ear, nose, and throat doctor runs into the room. I was excited to see the doctor, because I was hoping he could give me some sort of an explanation to what's going on and possibly protect me from the giant super soaker. Instead he says to me, "Your insurance stinks." What the hell? Do I not get a hello? The doctor goes on to give me a lecture about my health insurance. And how stupid of me it was to choose an insurance with a $5,000 deductible. As he is telling me all of this, the woman is shooting the water into my ear and I can barely tolerate the pain or comprehend what he is saying. I explained to the doctor I was working a contract job where I wasn't getting insurance. So I had to pay for it out of my own pocket and I couldn't afford insurance with a lower deductible. But my question is, what the hell happened to the usual doctor greeting? "Hello, my name is Dr. so-in-so... nice to meet you... (Handshake followed by an ass fondle) What? Are you trying to tell me your doctor never fondled your ass? Looks like you need to find a new doctor!

After berating me about how stupid my insurance was, the doctor finally left. It was now time to clean out the left ear. I couldn't believe I was only half-way done. I wanted to take a breather from the super soaker so I attempted to make some small talk with the nurses. And by the way, thank the Lord that these nurses weren't attractive. Not that I really have a chance with the majority of attractive females out there. But if I did have a chance, I can't imagine anyone would be attracted to an ear wax filled idiot with horrible insurance. I'm not an avid reader of Cosmo, but my hunch is those are not traits women look for in men. So I asked the nurses if my ear wax build up was normal or is it usually more than they are used to seeing. They replied that it's pretty above average. What the hell is wrong with the doctor's office? I got the doctor telling me how stupid my insurance is and I have the nurses telling me my ear wax build up is not normal. They might as well tell me I suck at life and I should go crawl in a bunker and isolate myself from society. What ever happened to the decency of making the patient feel good about themselves? Even if they have to lie to me.

So it's now time to clean out my left ear. For some reason the nurse, decides to use water that is extremely hot. I'm talking about water that would be too hot to wash your hands in. So now I don't only have to deal with the discomfort of the water pressure hitting my ear, but also the scorching hot water. They might as well kick me in the nuts and give me a wedgie too. Because I'm sure those things would feel better than this! Finally, they were done cleaning out the left ear. I couldn't even tell you how happy I was to be done with this. It was as if I had survived a war and come back home. One of the nurses then shows me the cup that was being held underneath my ear. She's like, "Look! You see how much wax you had in there?" My idiotic self then looks in the cup and I almost vomit. I don't mean to gross any of my awkward readers, but I could not believe the size of the wax and how that could possibly fit in my ear. It was like the size of a goldfish. The nurse then says, "I bet you can hear a lot better now." But the truth was I couldn't hear any better. The reason being, I still had water stuck in both of my ears because of the God damn high pressure super soaker!

I'm Out!