Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Price of Being Tall

People may say being tall has its advantages, but I tend to disagree. Here are two examples to help prove my case.

-I was at the grocery store in the refrigerated section and this old lady asks me if I can help her get some yogurt because she could not reach it. Now, this is not the first time this has happened. I’ve been at Walgreens or CVS and have helped other shorter customers reach for things. I’m starting to think these convenience stores should start compensating me for all the hard work I whore out. Any way, I help the older woman with getting the yogurt and grab about three or four of them.

“Thank you! Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. Thank you!” she says.

One thank you would have been enough, the extra gratitude just made it uncomfortable. I then go back to my cart and resume shopping, assuming my nice deed has been completed. Not so fast. I then hear…

“I’m sorry, but could you get me some more?”

Really? This time I’m not as bubbly and I grab her a few more yogurts.

“I’m sorry, but can you get some more?”  

I get a few more.

“Actually, can you just give me all of them?”

I’m thinking what the hell lady? Are you planning for the Apocalypse to happen or something? The last time I checked yogurt is not like gold or oil. I literally spent a good few minutes grabbing all of the yogurts and ended up putting 30 in her cart. I strongly debated chucking the last one at her head, but decided against it.

For now on, I’m just going to put my knees in my shoes and walk around like a dwarf in public. 

Nobody would ask this guy to grab yogurt.

-Whenever I go to a movie or any other type of event,  I prefer to sit in the aisle seat. As you can tell from the previous entry, I’m a taller, strapping, quasi-young individual who prefers my leg space. I also might be a little claustrophobic and don’t like being crammed in between two people. So I went to go see a comedy show at The Groundlings with a friend and there was an usher there who sat us. The usher takes us to a row where the first five seats are available, including the aisle seat.

Politely, I ask the usher guy if I could please sit in the aisle seat.

“No. They’re not available,” he says.

I felt the response was a bit odd, but I obeyed what he said and sat in the middle of the row. I wait a few minutes, the show is about to start and the aisle seat is still available. My buddy and I decided to move down to the first two seats in the row. Literally, a few seconds later the usher walks in a few more people and I’m thinking this is going to be horribly awkward. The usher gives me this intense stink eye stare, but all I can do is look down in shame. The shame is comparable to how a dog feels after it has let his owner down by peeing on the brand new carpet.

I gotta admit the awkwardness of the interaction was not worth the aisle seat. Fortunately, the show starts and I can finally just sit and relax. About a minute later, I get a tap on the shoulder from the girl sitting behind me.

“Excuse me, but would you mind moving over so my friend can sit in the aisle seat in front of me?”

All I could think was. “Is this for real? Am I on some hidden camera show or something?

After the show, I walk out of the theater and I am stunned to see a familiar face. Who do I see? My good old flying buddy, Liza! (See my previous blog entry “Flying with Liza”)

I then made the fastest sprint to my car that has ever been done in history.       


Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Sleeping with Jonno

Lately, during my beauty sleep (picture me wearing a sleeping hat and footsies) I've been having some rather odd dreams. I am by no means a dream interpreter, but I gave it my best shot to make some sense of them and and of course to entertain my loyal readers.

The other night, I had this dream that I was traveling with Justin Timberlake. I don't know where we were going or why, but we were sharing a room together. It was by no means a sexual dream, but I was so excited to brag about hanging out with Justin Timberlake all to my family and friends. I do remember Justin not being very friendly to me, but I honestly couldn't care less because of his celebrity status. Awkward Dream Interpretation: Maybe I'm not as straight as I think I am.  

At work, my office is next to this one gentleman who I really don't care for. I don't have any specific reason for this, but I kind of just get that negative vibe from him. Anyway, I had a dream where I went into his office when he was not in there and proceeded to urinate all over his desk. I remember the peeing going on forever and wondering if it was ever going to stop.

Right as I finish urinating, the guy I don't care for and his associate walked into the office. For whatever reason I was shocked to see them and felt that I needed to explain why there was a massive puddle on his desk. So all I could think to say to them was "Sorry, I spilled." I don't know if that excuse made any sense because I still was holding my thingy and had it hanging out. Fortunately, the dream ended as they stared at me with blank expressions. But I'm not gonna lie, once I realized it was a dream I thought for sure I had wet my bed. For the record, that did not happen. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I really don't like that dude and should consider wearing a diaper when I sleep.

Most of you are aware that I have a secret obsession with food because of my inner fat kid. So in this one dream I had, I was shopping at Trader Joe's. I remember going through all the aisles and selecting certain items to toss in my basket. But the issue was that I could not find my turkey meatballs for the life of me. Now, I don't know if you've ever had Trader Joe's turkey meatballs, but they are pretty darn scrumptious, and I remember being extremely frustrated because I could not find the darn things! I even tried to ask some of the staff, but nobody had an answer for me.
Do not leave me again! You hear me? Never leave me again!

In addition to that dream, I also had one where I was ordering Taco Bell and was extremely confused by the menu. Apparently, they had changed the menu around and only had select items. Out all of all my dreams, this was easily the biggest nightmare. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I should win an award for managing to avoid obesity.

This last dream is a bit odd, so bear with me; at the same time, I think it could also make for an interesting movie. Anyway, apparently this one guy had brain cancer or some other type of deadly disease involving his brain. In order to live, he needed to kill me and take my brain. Now, I honestly feel sorry for anybody who wants to torture themself with my brain, because I lived with this thing for 30 years and let me tell ya it causes more harm than good. I don't think the guy ever did get to me, but I remember his entourage was after me. I also vaguely remember John Travolta being in the dream and trying to help me out. Regardless, when I woke up I was so freaked out and I don't think I could fall back asleep. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I should consider seeing a therapist and yeah I really need to get those diapers.