Sunday, December 25, 2005

An Awkward Start to the New Year.

Hello: Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, and Happy New Year.

-I went to the same bar that I went to last year for New Years and I am very pleased to say that I did not get locked out of the bar because of trying to urinate outside and no calzones were stolen. (Awkward Reference: Read "Missing calzones, cleavage, locked out, and no taxis" blog. )

- I saw "Munich" the other day. I thought it was well done and a very interesting movie to see. I also had the pleasure of having free commentary by an 80-year-old couple through-out the whole movie. (Awkward Idea: How about instead of decreasing the ticket price for senior citizens we increase it.)

-Alright, the first time I saw the Trans-Siberian Orchestra commercial (the one with the Christmas lights on the house and the John Tesh sounding song. I thought it was cool. But by the 536th time the commerical tends to get a little annoying. (Awkward Question: Is the person who's in charge of putting this commercial on air non-stop, the same individual who is playing the Nickleback "Photograph" song on every single radio station?)

-I am proud to announce that I have successfully gotten my car back after the automatic garage door fiasco. (Awkward Hanukah Addition: I have now have Sirius Radio hooked up, so I am heavily anticipating January 9th!)

-I don't know why, but everytime "Meet the Barkers" (The Blink-182 Drummer Reality Show) is on MTV, I always watch it. It probably has to go down as one of the most pointless and boring shows in the history of television. (Awkward Pevert Idea: Have the the wife (Mrs. Barker) nude on camera at all times.)

-I am happy to see Comcast Sports replay all the White Sox play-off games. (Awkward Sox Fan Says: Cub fans still suck.)

-Speaking of my White Sox, what a job GM Kenny Williams has done this off-season. Instead of staying pat with the team that has just won the World Series he trades fo Jim Thome, Javier Vaquez, Rob Machoviak and re-signs Paul Kornerko and Jon Garland. (Awkward Apology: Mr. Kenny Williams, I apologize for all the mean and hurtful things I have said about you in the past. You are a extremely intellingent and talented baseball GM and thank you for what you have done for the White Sox organization.)

-Has our society gone crazy with the whole TV thing? There is no where I can go without seeing a friggin TV screen. I mean first I see one riding in a taxi cab, then I see one in the elevator, and then I saw one while I waiting in line at the grocery store. I mean, I'm all about watching TV, but don't you think this is a little excessive? (Awkward Suicide: Waiting in a crowded elevator, with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra commercial playing on the TV screen, and the Nickleback "Photograph" song playing.)

-It sure is nice to see Rex Grossman playing QB for the Bears. (Awkward Prediction: The Bears will not make the Super Bowl. Unfortunately.)

-I've come to the conclusion that Mexican is my favorite type of food. Awkward Fat Kid Favorite:Tostadas.)

-Even though the British version is way better, I've become a Fan of the TV show "The Office." (Awkward Peverted TV Dilemna: If "The Office was on the same time as "Meet the Barkers" with Mrs. Barker naked.)

I'm out!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Cerebral Palsy, Enterprise Rentals, and Stuffing

-Jessica and Nick finally got divorced. Now I can finally make my move. (On Nick)

-The White Sox overspent for Paul Kornerko. 5 years/60 million? That's insane!

-Why do random people always choose to talk to me on the Train. Is there a sign on my back that reads "Please talk me, I like people"?

-I saw a commercial for the movie "The Kid and I," starring and written by Tom Arnold. The film is about a teenager with Cerebral Palsy, who gets the opportunity to star in an action movie. I'm confused, is Tom Arnold playing the kid?

-So, I have to rent a car from Enterprise because I wrecked my car after breaking my building's automatic garage door. (Previous Blog) So they give me a Big-ass Ford Expedition.(Thanks B.J.) And now that car does not fit into the parking garage. (I friggin give up!)

-I'm not too happy I missed Oprah on Letterman the other night.

-I hope nobody saw me on TV for the Chicago Thanksgiving Parade. I looked like a friggin fat idiot.

-I watched the Real World Reunion and I thought it was better than any of the season's episodes. How the hell did that pastey retard Wes get Johanna?

-Very disappointed in the movie "Ice Harvest."

-I watched my IU Hoosiers lose to #1 Duke the other night. And there is no question that they are talented, especially Killingsworth. So I have come to the conclusion, that I will fight anybody that says Mike Davis is a good coach.

-Stuffing is a such an underrated food. Why can we only eat it during Thanksgiving?

-If any radio D.J. is reading this blog, you got to stop playing Nickleback's "Photograph" I mean its enough already.

-Could somebody explain why the Bulls decided to give Tyson Chandler a max contract, when he has the Basketball IQ and offensive talent of Mike Tyson.

-Did you get the last comment? They both have the name Tyson. (Wow, am I good!)

-The day after Thanksgiving, I went to Circuit City at 7:30 a.m. because of a DVD sale. I think my Dork-o-meter just went up to a 9. (It only goes up to 10.)

I'm out!

Friday, November 25, 2005

The Automatic Garage Door

Narrated by: Morgan Freeman

It was a beautiful chilly Friday Morning in November. Just like any normal week day, a young man named Jonno leaves for work. Jonno walks to his car, which is on the third level of a parking garage. He gets into his car and quickly turns on Howard Stern. Jonno waits for a few minutes to warm up his car. He realizes that just like any other day, he is running late. Jonno backs out of his parking spot and goes down a ramp to exit the parking garage. At the end of a downhill ramp is an automatic garage door. This auomatic garage has a sensor, and once the car is close to the door, the garage door goes up. As Jonno gets close to the garage door, it would not go up. Jonno then thinks to himself "Well, this is strange." But he refuses to panic. After over a year of using this automatic garage door, this same situation has ocurred once before. So what Jonno did that time, was reverse and then try again and the automatic garage door worked. Given that success, he thought he would try that again. Jonno reversed his car and then went forward again. The garage door did not go up. And this time Jonno was only a few feet away from the garage door on a downhill slope. Jonno was not sure what to do. He quickly thought about honking his horn, hoping that somebody that worked in the garage would come to his aid. But he decided not to. Jonno knew he had to reverse, but was a bit worried because of the closenes to the door and the downhill position of the ramp. So he knew he had to reverse as quickly as possible, to ensure that the car went backwards. With Jonno's foot on the brake, he put his car in reverse. He then quickly put his foot on the accelerator and for some unfortunate reason the car went forward and straight into the garage. Jonno in complete shock, realized he had just completely destroyed the automatic garage door and wrecked his car. It was almost like a scene out of a Vin Diesel action movie. In many people's eyes Jonno may be looked at, as an idiot, douche bag, or a retard. But to many people on the third floor parking garage, Jonno is recognized as a hero. Now, nobody will ever have to deal with the automatic garage door not working, thanks to Jonno's courageous act of bravery.

I'm out!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Entourage, Ozzie's Hair, and Fattening Chipotle

-I was able to see "Jarhead" this weekend and I was not impressed. The previews tricked you into thinking it was going to be some intense, non-stop action war movie, when it was actually the opposite.

-I don't know what it is, but I seem to have bad luck in movie theaters. I always sit around people that talk. And I don't have the friggin guts to tell them to shut the hell up. Damn, people suck!

-I started watching the first season of "Entourage" on DVD. I gotta say, I like the show. But at the same time it kind of gets me jealous. Why couldn't one of my friends from High School, been some cool, good lucking, famous actor? Then I would get to live off his money, never work, and get leftover women. (Lesson for youngsters: Only be friends with cool, good looking people. Nice friends will you get you nowhere.)

-Ozzie Guillen sure has a great head of hair. Very underrated.

-Just found out that I will be in the Thanksgiving parade on a float, promoting the company I work for. (And no I am not going to be one of the blimps.)

-Is it just me or does anybody else have trouble finding the type of pickles they desire in the grocery store? I could of sworn that I was there for a good half-hour.

-That Melinda girl from the "The Real World," sure has a nice rack.

-Christian Slater fell off a roof, while intoxicated at a Paris Hilton party. This is the best career move he has had made, since the movie "Hard Rain."

-I heard there was some gay dude making anti-semitic remarks on the "Apprentice" this past week. Somebody please put a muzzle on that damn fairy.

-How sad is it that I still can't watch scarey movies?

-Drew, I hope you're giving this blog a thumbs up.

-The Bulls look less talented this season, but they're still playing their asses off.

-When will Isiah Thomas be relieved of his general manager responsibilites?

-Nicole Richie looks gross as hell.

-I made a Turkey Burger on my Foreman at 2 o'clock in the morning. How fat and pathetic is that?

-I recently found out how bad Chipotle Burritos are for you. Even my Burrito Bowls have like over 30 grams of fat. (Not counting sour cream or guacamole.)

-I sure could go for some Chipotle right now.

I'm Out!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Randomness Diarrhea

I could easily make this whole blog all about my White Sox making the Wold Series, but I won't. I will say though, this was an amazing team. Nobdoy expected this team to do anything this year. Ozzie Guillen, the pitching staff, and timely hitting are the reasons why they won. I understand the Cubs will always be the #1 team in Chicago and honestly I could care less. All I know, is that my Chicago White Sox are the 2005 World Champions. Word!

-"Jarhead" looks like a hell of a movie.

-Is "Arrested Development" still on the air?

-What a waste of a pick for my fantasy team by taking Daunte Culpepper 3rd overall.

-Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty.

-Jerry Reinsdorf has to be one of the most under appreciated owners in sports. I can't not tell you how many people in the White Sox organization said they wanted to win the championship for him.

-Nickleback's song "Photograph" is a decent song, but it's getting way too overplayed.

-Jessica and Nick went to Italy to save their marriage. (If you believe in this shit, then get the hell off my blog!)

-Baked Cheetos, are an amazing snack.

-Phil, congratulations on your wedding. Sorry I cannot make it.

-Riding the elevator in my building with other tenants, can be annoying and awkward. (There is a long story to this.)

-The Bulls do not look good. I understand why they traded Curry, but his presence will be missed.

-How can a guy named Rover take over for Howard Stern?

-I saw a hilarious comedian named "The Reverend Bob Levy," the other night. He was cracking the shit out of me.

-Vince Vaughn is one lucky dude.

- I am upset I missed the White Sox parade.

-The show "Lost" is not very good this season.

-Taking a Vacation Day, is extremely underrated.

-What a shitty movie "The Longest Yard" is. Sandler, give it up.

-Will SNL ever be funny again?

-Joe Crede is ready to be an All-Star.

-If you ever are not looking forward to something. Try to make it seem like the worst possible thing in the world and then it will not be so bad.

-I don't see any team, other than the Bears winning that crapfest of a division.

-Stallone is making another "Rocky" and "Rambo movie. I can't wait for the follow up to "Stop or my Mom will Shoot."

-Is Estelle Getty still alive?

-If you haven't seen my Second City Writing Show yet, you live near the city, and are somewhat interested . . . Then please go see it, but do not feel forced.

I'm Out!

Sunday, October 16, 2005


Wow, I never thought I would see this friggin day! My White Sox, are going to the World Series! Kiss my ass, all you fake, drunken, no baseball knowledge Cub fans! The first time since 1959. I'll admit, this team has really surprised me. When they started struggling in the 2nd half of the season and almost lost their lead to Cleveland, I thought that would do nothing in the playoffs. But, boy have they proved me wrong.

The first thing you got to be impressed with is the pitching. When the hell is the last time four starters went the distance back to back? Contreas, Buerhle, Garland, and Garcia were just phenomenal. I mean Contreas was a guy that we desperately wanted off this team during the season. Somehow he got his shit together and has become the ace of this staff. You know you got an amazing pitching staff, when the bullpen is used for only 2/3 of inning over a course of five games.

There is no question that the White Sox have mediocre hitting. But they were able to get the hits at the right time. One guy, who my dad constantly bashes for being a lazy idiot is Joe Crede. During the season except for the last month, Crede had been pretty much worthless. But in the play-offs, he has looked like Mike Schmidt. He's gotten big hit after big hit. I know Paul Kornerko got the MVP for the AL series, but I think Crede deserves it more.

Speaking of Kornerko, boy has free agency come at the right time. Hitting 40 homers in back to back seasons has guaranteed big money for him. Now after his post-season performance, who the hell knows how much cash he is going to get thrown at him? I used to think that Kornerko was not worth the money, but after watching these play-off games I can't imagine our line-up without him. Kenny Williams will have a tough decision to make this off-season.

Speaking of Kenny, boy have I hated this guy ever since he's stepped into the GM position. I've thought he's made some of the worst moves for this organization. But somehow he has been able to prove me wrong. I never thought in my wildest dreams that he would be the GM of a team going to World Series. He built extremely deep and strong pitching staff. And this past off-season, he brought in the right guys. Iguchi, Podsednik, Pyzernski, Hermanson, Jenks, and Dye have all been smart moves. I guess this is why, I'm sitting on my ass writing this blog and he's GM of the Chicago White Sox.

I'm not a fan of making predictions, but I think the Sox are going to win the World Series. Right now I would rather face the Houston Astros. They are leading the Cardinals 3-1 in their series. The Cardinals offense scares the hell out of me. The Astros do have good starting pitching with Clemens, Oswalt, and Pettite. But at the same time, I think our squad matches up better against them.

PREDICTION: Whoever the hell we play, we'll win in FIVE.

I'm out!

P.S. Sorry, I almost forgot. Cub fans, you still suck.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Alert to all DORKS: Fantasy Football Preview!

Because I got nothing to talk about and the best thing on earth called the NFL starts this week, I thought why not give my NFL '05 Preview. Ladies, I know this blog will not interest you, but this will give you great knowledge for conversations that you'll have with your boyfriend or future dates. If your boyfriend or date is not interested in talking about Football, then your relationship will not work out because he is Gay. Now let's start this!

(The following rankings are based on each player's fantasy value, not their actual talent.)

Top Five QB's

1. Peyton Manning-This man is a fantasy GOD. The numbers he puts up every week is above and beyond any other QB. If you have this man on your fantasy team and do not win the championship, then you are offically retarded.

2.Daunte Culpepper-I used to think Warren Moon was the only brotha that can throw the pigskin, but I was wrong. Culpepper has emerged as a top QB in this league with his freakish athletic skills and strong arm. Without Moss, his numbers will hurt a little bit, but at the same time he won't have the pressure to throw Moss the ball. Keep in mind, that Minnesota has a new Offense Coordinator so that can sometimes change a team's philosophy. If you are looking for a WR, Nate Burleson will be a good pick because it looks like he's Culpepper's #1 guy.

3. Kerry Collins-This guy has been my sleeper since day 1 of the offseason. Why? Two words: Randy Moss. Any QB that throws to Moss will put up huge numbers. To go along with that they also have Jerry Porter, RB Lamont Jordan, and a great offensive minded coach in Norv Turner. They're also in a talented offensive division that will have to throw the ball to stay in games. Collins will easily have over 4,000 yards.

4-Marc Bulger-Even though I think Mike Martz is a horrible head coach, he is friggin obsessed with passing. The Rams have an easy schedule and an easy division. The key is for Bulger to stay healthy. He has a crappy offensive line and does not handle hits well. Nonetheless, he is a great Fantasy QB.

5-Trent Green-I know people are going to ask "Where is Donovan McNabb?" I just think there is too much turmoil in Philly. Every year Green puts up huge numbers and he gets no respect. Kansas City has one of the best offenses in the NFL, so there is no reason to overlook him.

Top Five RB's

1.LaDainian Tomlinson-No question LT is the best back in Football. He gets a crap load of rushing and receiving yards. I will say to watch out for they're tough schedule and I also wonder when will this kid break-down because of over usage. Because it happens to every running back sometime in their career.

2.Priest Holmes-Would be the #1 back if he didn't have injury problems and was a few years younger. But when this man plays, he friggin plays! But again, will he stay healthy? And how many touches will Larry Johnson get?

3.Clinton Portis-Some people may think this is a weird pick. One of my major philosophies in Fantasy Drafts, is to take players coming off bad years who have a lot to prove. After signing a huge contract and not performing up to his expectations, Portis has tons to prove. He has tons of talent and a year of experience under Gibb's offensive system, so look for him to rebound.

4.Julius Jones-This guy showed plenty of flashes in limited action last year. Parcells loves to run the ball and he has built a very strong offensive line. I expect great things!

5.Duece McAllister-Many people may be wondering "Where is Shaun Alexander?" I'm not a big fan of Alexander. I think he is a bit soft and doesn't get enough receiving yards. Duece was slowed a bit from an injury last year, but when he got healthy he put up the numbers. It will be a tough season for the Saints because of everything that has happened in New Orleans. So the Saints will use Duece as much as possible to carry the load.

Top 5 WR's

1.Randy Moss- Moss had a bad year last year. He was hurt and did not perform up to his talent level. Now he has a new team and so much to prove that he is the best WR in the NFL. Expect a monster year, similar to Owen's in Philly last year.

2.Torry Holt-How does this guy not get any respect? Every year this guy puts up 1,000 yard/10TD seasons and yet nobody talks about him. He's got a good offense and easy schedule, so expect the same consistent numbers he always puts up.

3.Marvin Harrison-For Harrison standards, he had a bit of an off year. It wasn't really his fault, it's just that Manning found other weapons in Wayne and Stokely. But look for Harrison to bounce back and put up the numbers he is known to put up. Fun Fact: They survey the top NFL Defensive Backs and the majority said that Harrison is the most difficult WR to face.

4.Terell Owens-Terrell would be ranked #2 if he wasn't a raging A-Hole. So who knows what he is going to do. If the Eagles start to lose games, he could quit on his team. But if he plays, I do not see any reason why he cannot come close to the numbers he put up last year.

5.Chad Johnson-Johnson's numbers all depend on the development of Carson Palmer. Palmer showed flashes last year, but the question is can he do it for the whole season. Anyways, Johnson is a huge talent and you will be very fortunate to have him on your team.

So there you go! Hopefully I entertained the fellow dorks out there and did not bore my other fans into a coma. Can't wait till Sunday.

I'm out!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Kiss My Scorched Ass!

So I'm going on a Cruise next week and apparently it is standard procedure to be tan before you go on the trip. Back in the day, you were suppose to get a tan on the actual vacation. Thanks to pressures from society, that is not allowed anymore. So I've started to go tanning for the last month. I know what your thinking right at this moment, "You, in a tanning salon?" I understand, because I also never thought I would be caught dead in a place like that. To be honest, I hate going in there. I always feel like when I step in the tanning salon, the employees are laughing in their minds, "Hah! I can't believe this guy even thinks that this is going to help him. How about trying some plastic surgery first there buddy."

So after getting comfortable with the whole tanning thing, I decided to get a little risque. (I apologize beforehand, if I gross anybody out here.) Because I tan in my boxers, I was noticing that everything, but my butt was getting tanned. As a reuslt, I was having trouble telling the difference between my ass and Casper the Friendly Ghost. So I decided to pull down my boxers, so my "junk in the trunk" could get some color. Why did I decide to do this? I have no idea. To my knowledge, I am not planning on doing any nude modeling anytime soon. Although I have received some offers from "PlayJew."

Later that night, I realized that my ass was itching like crazy. I then went to the bathroom to realize that my ass was scorched. I mean it ws burned beyond belief and it only got worse. It became more and more painful. Almost to the point, where I had trouble sitting down. And I'm going through all this discomfort, for no reason all. Just so I can have a red painful ass that nobody else will see. I guess the lesson is here people, stop pressuring pathetic, idiotic people like myself that tanning is necessary to look good. Or else, ridiculously stupid mishaps such as a scorched red ass will occur.

A few quick thoughts:

-Huge blow to the Bears that Grossman is out for the year. Both of his season injuries have occured from normal hits and falls that a NFL QB takes. It's time to give up on Grossman and start Orton as your QB of the future. And Cedric Benson, you suck. (For also another reason that I will not mention.)
-Why do they keep allowing Rob Schnieder to make movies? There has to be more talented people in Hollywood than this short schumk. Watch me look like a dumbass and the movie makes $30 million its opening weekend.
-Julia Roberts has decided to quit acting. Only women and Gay men will be affected by this.
-I watched the season finale of ABC's "Hooking Up." That has to be one of the best shows in the history of television.
-Move over Will Ferrell, Steve Carell will be the next big comedy star after his movie "40 Year-Old Virgin" comes out.
-Retarded people do not belong in tanning salons.

I'm Out!

Friday, July 22, 2005

War of the Wedding Crashers

As all of you know, summer is the time when all the blockbusters come out. So recently, I was able to check out “War of the Worlds” and “Wedding Crashers.”

First we’ll discuss “War of the Worlds.” Unless you have been knocked unconscious for the last few weeks, I will assume everybody knows what this movie is about. Overall, I found the movie extremely entertaining. You just know, when you mix Speilberg with Cruise you are going to get good results. I will say at first though, I had trouble taking Cruise seriously with all the Katie Holmes, Scientology, weird interviews, jumping on couches, getting water squirted in the face, and gay rumors. But ten minutes into the movie I was able to get focused into the story and block out images of Tom Cruise “Bent” over on Rob Thomas’s lap.(There's a litttle joke for all you Matchbox Twenty fans out there.)

Say what you want about the guy, but the man can act. I could not have pictured another actor playing this role. And Speilberg has the ability to make his films extremely intense. Almost to the point where you feel like you are a part of the movie. I’ll be honest, when I walked out of the theatre I thought I would see people running around screaming with aliens chasing them. Fortunately, that did not happen because that would really suck.

There were some problems with how realistic the movie was. There were many things I saw on screen that I had to scratch my head about. I won’t divulge what they were because I don’t want to spoil the movie for my wonderful fans. But take the movie for what it is, which is an entertaining two hour movie, with non-stop action and good acting. I give it 3 awkward moments/out of 4 awkward moments.

Let’s move on to “Wedding Crashers” starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Vaughn and Wilson are best friend/divorce attorneys who crash weddings to hook up with women. From the previews, I knew this movie was going to be good. And it definitely lived up to my expectations.

For me Vince Vaughn made this movie. Ever since “Swingers” I knew this guy was a scene stealer. And this movie allows Vaughn to demonstrate his true talents with his fast talking, sarcastic wit dialogue. You almost got to think some of the stuff he says in this movie has to be improvised and not scripted. I know Vince Vaughn is a big star right now, but after this movie I could see him demanding millions in the double digits and being able to call his own shots.

I’m not a big Owen Wilson fan. I feel talent-wise he is a bit overrated. I enjoyed him in “Meet the Parents,” “Zoolander,” and “Behind Enemy Lines.” Other than those three, I am not a big fan of his work. But in this movie he has great on-screen chemistry with Vaughn. The reason why he fits well is because it helps to have a straight guy acting next to Vaughn’s high energy character. One of the negatives of the movie was the love story between Owen Wilson and Rachael McAdams. I mean I understand it was an important part of the movie, but I just thought it dragged on way too much.

The rest of the supporting cast does a great job. Christopher Walken is always good, no matter what movie he is in. The girl who plays Vaughn’s love interest is very funny, even for a chick. (On a side note is engaged to comedian Ali G) Also, I recently found out they used a body double for her nude scene. I was pretty disappointed to hear that. The bad guy character is played by some no-name actor and I even thought he was great. To make the movie even better there are plenty of boob shots. Message to any directors out there: Boob shots can only improve a movie. Heck, there’s even a breast shot of Jane Seymour(Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman). That should be a reason alone to go see this movie. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention a very funny cameo towards the end. (Clue: Think Cowbell)

As you can see, this was an extremely funny comedy and I envision it being a future classic. So I give it 3 ½ awkward moments, out of 4.

I’m Out!

P.S. Bumpz(Phil), you’re getting married? So what do you call what happened last night? Are you just trying to use me?

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Drunken Idiotic Journey: Part Two

I know too much time has passed to write a blog about my drunken idiotic journey, but I got to finish off the story. After my co-workers party, we took a cab to a bar, right by my apartment. I vaguely remember, but I was sitting at a table in the back with my buddy Nick drinking a beer. Nick leaves to go to the bathroom and tells me he would be right back. For some reason, I decided to just get up and leave the bar without telling him. I then somehow make it to my apartment and was getting ready to open the door with my keys. I felt the urge to go to the bathroom (#1). In my drunken state, I of course had trouble opening my door. (I also have the same problem when I'm sober.) As I am struggling to get the door open with my keys, the urge to urinate is getting worse and worse. I then decide to stand right in front of my door and urinate in my pants. I think my rationalization was, maybe I can just let a little out and then stop so I would feel better. Apparently, I could not figure out from 24 years of peeing experience that once you start, you cannot stop.

After my bathroom break, I enter my apartment and head straight to the toilet. I get on the ground in front of my toilet and start yacking like there is no tomorrow. I have no idea how long I was vomiting for, but it felt like hours. Apparently during this time, Nick is calling me on my cellphone and landline phones. The doorman will not let Nick up to my apartment unless I answer the phone. I should remind all of you that Nick lives in Northwest Indiana, so he was planning to crash at my place. I think I remember hearing the phone ring, but it felt like there was some type of uncontrollable force keeping me from answering the phone. At this point, Nick is extremly angry with me and he ends up sleeping on the couch in the lobby for a few hours. At the same time, I am passed out next to my toilet with vomit all over me. Nick later tells me, he even contemplated driving back home if he could sober up. Finally, 5 o'clock in the morning rolls around and Nick enters my apartment. I wake up from his entrance and he asks me "Where the Hell was I?" and "How come I didn't answer the phone." I don't remember my reply, but I think it was something along the lines of "Sorry." I then return back to the bathroom ground and start yacking again in the toilet. Hopefully, at this point Nick realized why I was not able to answer the phone.

Eventually the yacking stopped and I was able to stumble to my bed and pass out. In the morning, Nick somewhat forgave me and we joked about my moronic and retarded actions. I also knew buying him Jimmy Johns would win me some points. We also listened to the phone messages he left from the night before. The first message is like "Jon, where the hell are you?" The next message is like "Jon, I'm getting extremely annoyed where the hell are you?" Each message Nick gets increasinly angry. By the tenth one, it sounds like he is literally ready to knock my door down and rip my head off. Fortunately, all these messages are saved and I can listen to them whenver I need a good chuckle.

What a friggin night!

I'm Out!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Part 2 will be postponed: Batman!

I know I promised Part Two of the idiotic journey, but let me just tell you I recently saw the new Batman movie (Batman Begins). After how bad the last Batman Movie was (Batman and Robin) I kind of had a bad taste in my mouth. Overall, I thought the movie was extremely well done. I usually lose my interest with long movies, but suprsingly this film held my ADD in check and had me focused. A lot of the props should go to the director Christopher Nolan. Picking Christopher Nolan to direct, was a bit of gamble considering his other two movies were "Memento" and "Insomnia." Movies that are drastically different than a superhero movie. Nolan was able to seperate this movie from than any other previously made superhero film. When you look at movies such as Spiderman, The Hulk, X-Men, Daredevil, and the last three Batman movies (not the 1st one) they all seem fake and comic-bookey. Nolan made this movie seem real, almost like it could happen in actual life.

The backstory of all the characters was very interesting. I thought Christian Bale did a phenomenal job as Batman. Michael Keaton was a great Batman, but I might have to give the slight edge to Bale. In a real fight between Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, who do you think would win? Bale would beat his ass in a heartbeat. Therefore, I think he makes a more believable Batman. I also need to call Warner Brothers because it appeared they used my body with Bale's head during his shirtless scenes. The rest of the cast was strong with Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine. Katie Holmes was the one character who I thought was replacable. She wasn't bad or anything, but nothing great. Her characater's perspective about the judicial system and morals got to be a little nauseating after a while. I mean I know your a great person and everything, so just shut up already! We get the point! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.

Here's the big question, is "Batman Begins" better than the first Batman movie? As a a whole "Batman Begins" is a better movie. But nothing will ever compare with Jack Nicholsan's Joker in the first Batman. I did think the guy that played Scarecrow did a good job, but it is not in the same category with Joker. In addition, I saw the first Batman movie 16 years ago. (Has it been that long? Damn!) So its hard for me to remember how I felt when I left the theater that long ago. The natural feeling is to like the movie that is the freshest in your mind. Honestly, both movies are completely different so it is almost too difficult to compare. But becasue I liked Nolan's storytelling technique and Bale as Batman I guess I'll have to give the nod to "Batman Begins" Anyways, go see the movie. And if you don't care about seeing Batman, I would just go to see what it looks like with my shirt off.

I'm Out!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Drunken Idiotic Journey: Part One

I guess its been a while since I've written a blog. I must of taken some type of a blog vacation. The truth is I've been extremely busy the last few months doing various things. But I will say now, I'm back and committed to writing once a week.

Let me start off by saying that I graudated from college about two years. During those four years of fraternity life, I've had my share of stupid and idiotic drunken moments. Since then, I don't know if you want to call it maturity, but very rarely do I get oblierated. That all came to an end this past Friday night.

One of my co-workers was a having a party with two of her roommates at the new apartment she just moved into. So my buddy Nick came along for the ride. Before Nick got into the city, I was telling him on the phone that I'm sick of always drinking beer and never getting drunk. He then said, "I'll get some vodka and you go get some cranberry juice, tonic water, and limes." That sounded like a good and simple plan to me.

So he finally gets to my apartment and its time to make some drinks. Because the cranberry juice was pretty warm, I started to drink some Lemonade and vodka beverages. They were pretty strong, but I knew I had to put them down if I wanted to get a good buzz. So after a few drinks I'm feeling good, kind of in that "Happy State." The pre-drinking comes to an end and realize that the two of us have finished off a fifth of vodka. I probably ended up having 60% of it.

We head over to my co-workers party. As we walk in the place is very dark, but appears to be a very nice apartment. I spot my co-worker and she gives us a little tour of her place and eventually leads us to the alcohol. They had sangria there, a white kind and red kind. I chose to go with the white kind. Because I don't remember what sequence everything happened, I'll just list some of the highlights. I will also add, I do not rember some of these highlights and they were told to me the next day.

-They had the radio playing in one of the rooms. I did not like what song I was hearing, so I look and see that it was on 103.5 FM. Which is like a dance/pop station. I am a modern rock fan so I wanted to change it to Q101. As I said earlier, the whole party is dark. I then decided to turn the light on and disrupt the whole party by changing the station. As Nick tells me later, everybody at this point is staring at me. But I am so determined to try to change the station. Like two little kids fighting, Nick and I go back and forth turning the light on and off. Eventually, I listen to him and give up. But boy, did I want to change that station.
-When we first walk in one of the roommates goes up to Nick and asks him if he's Colleen's(the co-worker) friend. I then said, "No, actually I work with her." She then says "Oh" and walks away. (Just Classic.)
-Apparently, I kept on telling Nick I was going to punch some dude in the face. (Don't ask me why, because I have no idea.)
-I was standing up having a conversation and I almost fell backwards, until I my co-worker caught me.(It's good to have a spotter at all times.)
-A few mintues later she went to the other side of the room and saw me fall backwards again. (Apparently, I did not learn from the first time.)
-I knocked over a bottle of wine. (I would do the same thing if I was sober.)
-One of my co-workers friends went up to her during the party and was like, "Yeah I met your co-worker Jon and I could not understand one word he said." (Do you need any more proof how tanked I was?)

It was around 2 a.m., so Nick and I decided to head out and go to a bar near my apartment. And the story shall be continued . . . (Believe me, its gets more interesting.)

I'm out!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Going MAD: Part 2

I got some other stories to tell, but since I already started this blog I owe it to my fans to finish it.

As I left off, I was telling you about how I was waiting outside after a show with a bunch of freaks. Again, it was not my idea to wait outside. One of my improv classmates, Eric, wanted his picture of Mo Collins signed. As we are waiting outside, out walks two of the Mad TV writers we saw peform. I figured I would say something to them. You know the usual kiss-ass stuff. "Hey, I thought you guys did a great job tonight." You know something like that.

So I start talking with the two writers. Telling them how I do the Second City stuff. I asked them how they got started, one of the writers was telling me how he use to write for SNL. I even made a few jokes, trying to ease the situation. As I'm talking to them, out comes Michael McDonald from "MAD TV." After he got by the scary freaks, he eventually made his way to myself and the two writers. So right then, I told Michael that I am a big fan of his work and shook his hand. There was nothing else to do, but to get a picture with him. I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I felt this situation was definitely worth a picture.

Michael begins to talk with the two writers. They are discussing where they should go to hang out. Because I am a nosey bastard, I start to eavesdrop on the conversation. I overhear them say that they are going to this bar down the street. I turn to Steve and say, "Dude, we gotta go there." So a few more of the MAD TV castmembers walk out, including Mo Collins. Eric the sketch comedy stalker gets his picture of Mo Collins signed. The hypocritical side of me kicks in again and I also ended up getting a picture with Mo Collins. On a side note, she looked pretty hot in real life.

Now it was time to make our way to the bar. We weren't sure where the bar was, we just knew it was close by. Amazingly enough, we made a right turn and found the bar. We walk into the bar and down to the right I see a table full of the MAD TV people. I still could not believe here they were hanging out, right in the open with the public. No VIP section, or anything like that. I turn to look at Steve and Eric. Kind of like a look of "Can you believe this?" As I look at Eric, he is wearing a Cubs hat that is way too big for his head, this big winter coat, holding his autographed picture of Mo Collins, and a program from the show. He looked like a friggin eight-year-old kid bringing his mit to a baseball game. I turn to Eric and I'm like, "Listen, if you want to hang out here, you got to put away that picture and throw away that friggin program." Eric then says, "Well, I don't want the autograph to get smeared." I thinking in my head right now, "Are you freakin serious? " I never thought I was a cool guy or anything, but this kid is making me look like Dylan McKay from "90210." I finally convince him to put the the picture in his pocket and throw the program in the trash.

The three of us walk up to the bar and order a few beers. We begin to stare at the table of all the MAD TV people. I begin to brainstorm how the hell I get over there and start to talk with them. Eric starts dancing like a little school girl, with a huge smile about how he cannot believe Mo Collins is just a few feet away from him. I told him to go talk to her, but he did not have the guts to do it. 15-20 mintues go by and the three of us are still standing at the bar. Every other few seconds, I am glancing at the table. Trying to figure out, how I can start a conversation with these people. Finally, I just got the nerve and I said "Fuck it!" I walk over to the table towards Michael McDonald and the fat guy from MAD TV. I say to them, "I'm a big fan of both of yours, and I want to buy you guys a drink. So I can say I bought Michael McDonald and (I forget the fat guy's name?) a drink." They told me to save my money because they were getting free drinks anyways. Not a big deal since I finally found my "in" to strike up a converation.

I start out the conversation by telling them how I thought they did a great job in the show tonight. (I know I'm a kiss ass.) They asked me what I do for a living, so I filled them in on that. I then told them that I take classes at Second City, they thought that was neat. Michael and the fat guy were both extremely hung over from staying out late last night. So the conversation is going decently, I'm a little nervous of course. I decide to ask Michael about the new Martin Short movie, since I thought I read somewhere that he was in it. He then replies, "Ummmm, I'm not in that movie." I was like, "Are you sure? I could of sworn I saw your name in the cast." He then says, "I think I would know if I was in it." Right here I feel like a total jackass. Now the conversation is turning into an awkward direction. So I decide to shake hands with them and leave them alone.

I walk back to Steve and Eric and they are in shock. They could not believe that I just walked over to them and started talking. I filled them on the conversation and my idiotic statement. I felt my night was fulfilled and still could not believe what had just happened. About 45 minutes later, I was back from the bathroom to the bar and spot Michael. He sees me, and I give him a head nod. I then walk over to him and start talking with him again. We ended up chatting for a while. Here are some of the main points from the conversation.

-His contract is up after this season with MAD TV. And it sounded like he was willing to come back to the show.
-He started out at the Groundlings. Which is like the Second City in LA. He even taught there and Jimmy Fallon was one of his students.
-I told them that I wrote a screenplay about a year ago and that he was an inspiration to one of the main characters. He was not really impressed by that. And says to me "I feel like you want something from me." I told him, "No not all, I just I would tell you since I'm actually talking with you."
-He tried out for SNL about 6 years ago and got rejected. Chris Parnell got it over him. I told him that was complete bullshit and he is 10 times more talented than him.
-I told him that his style and talent level is extremely comparable with Will Ferrell. He then says, "Maybe the world does not need two Will Ferrells." (Not the response I was looking for. )
-I then start to yack and tell him that there should be no reason why he is not a big star right now. I should be seeing him starring in comedies in the same class with Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Adam Sandler. I then tell him that I should talk to his agent and knock some sense into him about how to handle your career. I was not bullshitting him, I really felt what I was saying. (At the same time though, it was not my place to talk about his career.)

So those were some of the main points that were covered in the conversation. Steve and Eric did eventually walk over, but of course they said absolutely nothing. I think Steve said to Michael about ten times "I think you did a great job tonight." At one point towards the end of the night I was sitting at a table with Michael McDonald and two of the MAD TV writers shooting the shit. At this point, I'm thinking how the hell did I end up in this situation? Friggin awesome!

I'm out!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Going MAD: Part 1

So last weekend they had the Chicago Improv Festival. One of the shows had cast members from "Mad TV" performing Improv. Because I have watched some of these people on TV for years and figured I could a learn a thing or two, I decided to go to the show.

Going into the show, there were two people I was excited about seeing. One was Michael McDonald. (He's well known for his little boy, Stuart character) I like to refer to him as the "Will Ferrell" of Mad TV. I think he is extremely talented and I could easily see him as huge star in the film industry. The problem is that he is on "Mad TV" not "SNL." If he was getting the same exposure on "SNL," his career would be much different. Another person I was looking forward to seeing was Mo Collins. I'm not going to lie, I don't find manyy girls funny. But I think she is an exception.

Overall the show was really funny. The first part of it, had the "MAD TV" writers perfroming sketches that did not air. And the second half was the cast members performing improv. During the intermission my buddy Steve and I got up to get a beverage. On our way out we see one of our fellow improv classmates Eric. Eric is a quiet, peculiar character. He's the type of guy that likes to keep to himself. One thing though about him is that he is an SNL/MAD TV Almanac. He knows everything about every cast member, how they got started, what's their dog's name, favorite food etc. . . Lets just say you won't be seeing this guy dancing with six chicks around him at "The Apartment" anytime soon. Then again, you won't be seeing me either.

So after the intermission Eric came to sit with us. I look over at him and he's holding this picture of him and Mo Collins. So I asked him how he got the pic? Eric said he went to this show last year and waited by the back door for the cast members to come out . And was then able to get a picture. He said he was going to try again after the show, so he could get Mo Collins to sign the picture. I thought to myself, "Great, I'm sitting next to a stalker."

The show ends, so Steve and I decide to go with Eric to wait at the back door. Honestly, I wasn't planning on getting any pictures. I just wanted to meet Michael McDonald and tell him how much I appreciate his work. As we wait by this back door, I look around and feel like I am at a Star Trek convention. You could tell that the people waiting, were the people in the High School yearbook listed under the category of "Not Pictured." Because I felt kind of weird waiting around with a bunch of freaks, I was almost ready to walk away. But for whatever reason, I decided to stick around.

To Be Continued . . .

I'm Out!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A Buffet of Random Pointless Blabbing

So two weekends ago, I made a visit back to Bloomington to hang with my buddies in what was known as "The Last Hurrah." It was nice to see some people and probably go back there for the last time. I got a picture all of us from the weekend hanging in my cubicle. I think I need to take it down because I am constantly staring at myself in the picture and staring at my disturbing appearance . Anyways, here are a few things I learned about some of my friends.

Nick: Apparently the only way to get you into a good mood and for you to talk is to buy you Bambas. This is not really something I've learned, but more of a recurring theme. I better save some money up for the summer.

Drew: Why all of the sudden do you have a 12:30a.m. curfew on a Saturday night? And thanks for taking away my true love. We had a moment when she touched my leg.

B.J.: You are probably the only person in history to download the new Stars Wars movie at 4 in the morning on a Saturday night and still get laid.

Last Saturday I decided to venture out and do some shopping. After walking down North Avenue out of J-Crew and on my way to Banana Republic, I hear some lady yelling "Wait!" I turn around and it was the cashier gal from J-Crew. She then hands me my driver license because she forgot to give it back to me after requesting to see it. So I will just like to take this time to thank this J-Crew woman for this extremely nice deed. Who knows how long my dumb ass would of gone without realizing that I did not have my drivers license.

My thoughts on Brittney Spears being pregnant: The Jerry Springer Show has been pretty boring lately, can't wait for that show! And what a catch that Kevin Frederline is, he sure seems like a peach. I will also give Brittney about 2-3 years before she is butt naked on the cover of Playboy.

I've been waiting a long time for this. To be exact, about 7 years. And finally it has came true. The BULLS are in the playoffs! I know I've been talking about this before in previous blogs, but what a true team this is. You don't see many teams like this in the NBA anymore, that have players that just want to win and play hard. Scott Skiles has done an amazing job coaching this team, with the limited talent he has to deal with. I don't mean to brag, but way back in December-Janurary I predicted that this team could be a 4th seed in the playoffs. And what do you know? They are the 4th seed. No, this team will not win the NBA championship. Yes, this team is already depleted without Eddy Curry and Luol Deng. My prediction is that the Bulls will beat the Wizards in six games and then lose to the Heat in five games. But let me tell ya, if this team can stay healthy and intact, your looking at a team that will eventually be going to the Finals. Sunday at 4:30 central, I think you can guess where I'll be.

Also, how about a shout-out to my White Sox who are 11-4! And of course the Cubs still blow.

I'm out!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Stomach Pains and Recognizable Strippers

Okay, where should I start here. If I am not at my full strength I deeply apologize. I've been having some stomach problems the last two days. Looks like the inner fat kid ate at too many buffets on Spring Break.

Anyways, last night Monday night I caught the last few minutes of the Howard Stern show. As most of you know, Howard Stern is one of my idols. I think he is one of the most talented people in the industry. And of course on his show, he has a naked chick on there who wants to be evaluated for Playboy. Not a big shocker here. But when I saw the girl, I thought to myself "Boy, she sure looks familiar." She looks just like this guy's girlfriend from my fraternity. I remember hearing rumors that she use to strip, but how the hell could she on the Howard Stern?

I was pissed that I missed most of the episode because I wanted to see if it was really her. The episdoe was going to be replayed at 1 in the morning, but I did not want to feel like crap at work the next day. Forutnately, the supernatural spirits were with with me and I woke up with a bad stomach. So now I had the whole day to do some research and figure out if it was truly her. My first plan was to go the Howard Stern web site and try to find some pictures there. After navigating through the site and I finally fell upon the pictures of her. BINGO! That's her! There were four pictures of her butt naked and I will say she looked fairly nice.

So there was only one thing left to do: Forward the link of the pictures to my pledge brothers. Thats exacty what I did. Sent a mass e-mail out, with a four-step direction on how to view the pictures. A minute later I got a call from my buddy B.J., who happened to already know about her appearance on Stern. I was like "How come you didn't tell me about this?" B.J. replied, "Well I didn't want to be the jackass that forward the pictures to everybody." No problem here B.J, I'll go ahead and be the jackass that sends out the pictures. B.J. then informed me some info about the naked gal. She is a stripper in Indy, making tons of money. She recently got engaged to one of my fraternity brothers. Who by the way is a good guy, if you are curious. And she was on the Howard Stern show because she wanted to be evaluated to see what nude magazines she could get into. Apparently, Howard felt she was not good looking enough to be in Playbody, but good enough for Hustler. I trust his opinion.

I'm out!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Look Out, Bombs Away!

For some unfortunate reason, I got the urge to do Stand-Up last week. This has been something I've been planning to do for a while now, but I had trouble getting the guts to do it. After making a fool out of myself at these Second City improv shows, I figured I could handle making a fool out of myself at an open mic. So last Monday night, I went with two of my buddies Mike and Steve for a comedic night of hell.

It was Steve's first time doing stand-up, while Mike has performed at different clubs numerous times. I got to the club about an hour before the stand-up was going to start. When I first got there, I met up with Steve and said, "What the hell am I doing here?" I'm not gonna lie, I kind of wanted to get the hell out of there, at the same time I desperately wanted to get rid of my stand-up virginity. To prove to you how nervous I was, I did not have any of the $2 special Cheesburgers they had going on there. Even though it did look pretty tasty, the inner fat was in a deep coma.

To decide the order on stage, everybody writes their name onto a piece of paper and throws it into the jar. Randomly the MC will pull out the names one by one and that will be the order. I really did not like this method because I had no idea when I was going to go on. I pretty much figured with my luck that I would be picked to go first.

The place was pretty packed with around fifty people, it was time for the MC to take the stage. Boy, was my heart beating fast. There was no way in hell, that I was prepared to go first. The MC did a few bad jokes and called out the first name. And fortunately, it was not me. Whewwwww! That was a close one. Now, I can relax a little now. As I was watching the first guy perform I started to focus in on the mic. The mic was connected to a stand, but you could of course remove it if you wanted to. But, I had no idea how to handle the mic. I started to worry that if I left the mic on the stand, it would probably be to short for me. Since I am a fairly tall dude. There was a way to change the length of the mic stand by turning the knob, but there was no way I was going to stand on stage for hours trying to figure out how to do that. So then I figured I would just take the mic off the stand and hold the mic. Then I started to worry if I would be able to get the mic back on the stand when I finished. Man, the torture of being inside my head! Anyways, my plan was to take the mic of the stand and then give back to the MC when I finished. Great plan!

Two guys had performed and the MC took the stage to introduce the third guy. He starts saying how "The next performer and I go way back. We have been great friends for many years." So I'm thinking great, there is no way this is me. More time for me to think about my act and worry about the mic. Then the MC calls out my name. I was like, "Are you friggin kidding me? Already." I did consider making a quick dash to the exit door, but I quickly realized that would look pretty ridiculous. So I sucked it up and took the stage.

When I got on stage, I could barely see anything because of the glaring lights. I took the mic of the stand with no problem. Okay, great start! For some odd reason I decided to comment on the MC saying that we were friends and how that we went way back. I was just going to make one statement and then move onto my act. Almost like a little icebreaker joke. As I looked at the MC, I said "I have never met this guy in my fuckin life!." Okay, not really sure why I cussed there. For some reason, I was hoping to get a laugh or two from that. All I got was silence. Then I decided to say, "I have no idea who this fuckin guy is? This guy is filled of fuckin shit!" All I am getting are blank stares and total silence. The MC is giving me a dirty look like he ready to beat my ass. And I have no idea why I am cussing so much. I almost felt like I had a combination of Turrets Syndrome and being possessed by Red Fox at the Def Comedy Jam. I have no idea what got into me?

After a horrible and awkward start, it was time to go into my act. To keep it simple, my act was about how I have a ten year old fat kid trapped in my body. I thought it was decent material, but I had no idea how people were going to react to it. I start off by asking the question "Who here eats food?" I got a few courtesy laughs from the dumb question. Then I went straight into my act. As I am on stage, I could hear absolutely nothing. No laughing at all. So I am pretty much assuming that I am bombing pretty badly. Boy, is it a horrible feeling bombing. You feel like you are the only person left on the planet. I desperately wanted to stop my act, as I could see it was going absolutely nowhere. But I knew I had to suck it up and finished it off. After a extremely awkward and disasterful four minutes, I handed the mic to the MC and said to him, "Here's the fuckin mic. You fuckin bastard." Settle down everybody, I'm just joking about that last line. All I ready did was hand the mic to him, shook his hand, and walked off stage. Boy, was I glad that painful experience was over.

I'm out!

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Schmuko + Astronauts = Bad Comedy

Alright, so this past Sunday I had another show at Second City. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of looking forward to this show. Even though my first show I made a fool out of myself with the "Your shirt looks good on my boobs and ass" comment, I still had a good time performing. With one show under my belt, I thought why not have my parents and sister come. They wanted to come to the first show, but I told them that was not a good idea. So because they would be in the audience I really wanted to put on a good show for them.

Before the show started I was friggin nervous as hell. More nervous this time, than I was for the first show. I knew the reason why I was so nervous had to be because my family was in the audience. Right then, I realized it was not a good idea to have them come. Backstage, before the show I turned to my buddy Mike and said "Is it normal to be more nervous for your second show, than your first show?" I do not remember his answer, but I'm sure he was thinking "Man, you sure are a spaz."

Anyways, it was time to go on stage and put on a funny performance. Well, at least try to. The way the show was set up, is that everybody in the class would do an improv game together at the beginning and at the end of the show. In between, each classmate would perform in one improv game. I was doing the improv game "Jeporady." I felt pretty comfortable doing this game because I was performing it with talented people and I did fairly well when we practiced it in class. In the game "Jeporady" each contestant (4 of them) is given an occupation from the audience. The host will then give the audience a category and then the audience will come up with an answer. Each contestant will then give the question to the answer, in the character of the occupation that was given to them. So lets say somebody has the occupation "baseball player." And the answer the audience gives is a straw. In a baseball player's voice the contestant would say "What is the tool I use to take streroids with." I am fully aware that this example is not funny, I just want all of you to understand this gem of a game.

So it was time to get the occupations from the audience. This was one of the reasons why I was apprehensive about doing the this game. I knew I could get screwed by the audience, if they give me some occupation that I knew nothing about and could not make funny. But I was willing to take the chance anyways. There were four contestants playing this game and I was the fourth one. The first person was given "Stripper." (Good one!) The next person was given "sewage worker." (Another good one.) The next person was given "martial artist." (Also, a good one.) So I started to think maybe I'm lucky here. These audience members are giving some pretty good suggestions here. All three of those oppcupations have strong personalities and are not too difficult to come up with characters for them. It was now Schmuko's turn to get his occupation from the audience. And I was given "Astronaut." Yes people, this is no joke. I was given "Astronaut." Mother f#cker! What the hell was I suppose to do with that?

So the game starts and each contestant is suppose to give a little intro of who they are. The stripper, sewage worker, and martial artist all give these nice little, funny intro in different character voices. So when I do my intro I just say in my natural voice "Hi my name is so and so and I am an astronaut." I vaguely remember seeing a few blank stares. But my feeling was why even attempt to be funny, if there is no possible way to be funny in this situation. The first category are things you find in a hospital. The audeince yells out the answer, "Scapel." I then began to think to myself right now, "What the hell am I going to say funny about an astronaut using a scapel." The three contestasts did a great job of coming up with good questions to the answer of "Scapel" and are getting some good laughs. Being the last contestant, you usually are supposed to give the biggest punchlines. Boy, was I out of the place! Struggling for an answer, I then said (Hold on to your seats and get ready to burst out in laughter folks!) "What is the tool I use in space to eat my cheerios with." Not surprisingly, I did not get any laughs with this shitty line. As the game went on, I of course continued to struggle with the "Astronaut" character. So I see no reason to share with you what I said and I'm sure you get the point anyways.

After the show, I greeted the fam by holding my finger in the shape of a gun to my head. (You see, I'm getting better with my object work.) They of course gave me some positive comments and understood that I was kind of put in a tough situation. One thing they mentioned was that I never smiled once on stage and that I need to loosen up. My mom went as far to say that I looked "constipated" on stage. Well, I better get a new facial expression if I ever plan to get any improv groupies in the future. I'm pretty sure that the "I got to drop a duece look," is not that appealing for the ladies out there.

In conclusion I have learned two very important things from my two perofrmances at Second City.
1. "The shirt looks good on my boobs and ass," is not funny.
2. Me playing an astronaut is uncomfortable to watch and may give you gas.

I'm out!

Monday, February 28, 2005

The Boarding Pass

Last week my co-worker/buddy Johnny and I traveled to Cleveland to see Motley Crue. One of the TV stations in Cleveland was taking us out there. It was good deal, the TV station paid for the airfare, hotel, food, concert, alcohol etc. . .

Our plane was taking off at O'hare around 8:30 a.m. On the way to the airport, traffic was just brutal. So we were running a little late. While we were walking to our gate, Johnny could not find his cell-phone. He checked his coat pockets and it was not there. He then realized that he probably left his cell-phone in the car. Not the biggest deal in the world, since he could just use my cell phone if he needed to make any phone calls. But the problem was that he had the phone numbers of the people we were suppose to meet in Cleveland, in his phone. We figured once we landed in Cleveland, we would call one of our co-workers to get the phone numbers from Johnny's computer.

Let me tell ya O'hare is one big ass place! If you need a work-out, try walking around that place a few times. On the way to our gate we passed by a McDonalds. We weren't sure if we should go to McDonalds now or go to our gate first to check in. This was a pure battle with the inner fat kid. The inner fat kid was obviously telling us to eat the McDonalds now and not care if we were to miss our flight. The fat kid's rationale was: if we did miss the flight, at least we would have eaten McDonalds. Normal rationale: catching the flight and having all paid for trip to Cleveland is more important than eating McDonalds. In the end, we were able to defeat the inner fat kid and decide to walk to the gate first. But it was a tough battle.

We finally made it to the gate and had two questions for the attendant. 1) Is the plane here yet? Answer: No 2) Do we have time to go to McDonalds? Answer: Yes, but you should hurry up. Johnny and I made a fast waddle to McDoanlds and got some breakfast. We brought the food back to the gate. We were both having a fabulous time chowing down on some Egg Mcmuffins. By the time we finished our food, the attendant was calling the rows to board the plane. I stood up and started to look for my boarding pass. I checked both of my jean pockets, not there. I then checked my duffle bag, not there. The last time I remembered holding the boarding pass was when I was eating McDonalds. I was holding it with my napkins. Sherlock Schmuko Holmes then makes the masterful assumption that I must of thrown away the boarding pass with the McDonalds bag. Keep in mind, the theme of losing stuff was imbedded in my brain after Johnny left his cell-phone in his car.

I then made a furious dash to the garbage can. With my bare hands, I went through every McDonalds bag I could fine looking for that friggin boarding pass. As I'm searching, I hear Johnny yell out, "Hey, look at that bum! Look at that bum search the garbage!" I turn around around to see about 15-20 people staring at me. With no luck of finding my boarding pass and fear of missing my flight, Sherlock Schmuko Holmes decides to take the top off of the garbage can so I could get deeper into the garbage. As I searched deeper in the garbage can, I probably looked like a friggin raccoon rumbling through a dumpster. Instead of giving me some assistance Johnny then yells out, "Hey, you don't have to eat that other half of that Egg McMuffin! I can buy you a new one!" I then turn around to see an additional 20 people looking at me. I then walked back over to Johnny where my duffle bag and coat were. He is laughing hysterically at me and I got about 50 people staring at me. My last and final attempt to find my boarding pass was to search my coat pockets. I reached my hand into my left coat pocket and there I pull out my boarding pass. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm out!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A.C. Green, Annoying Fans, and Fatty Foods

The other night, I was fortunate enough to go the Bulls vs. Sacramento Kings game. It was a heck of a game and my tough Bulls got the win. Ben Gordon played phenomenally, by hitting clutch shot after clutch shot. What a pick Paxson!

One of the good things about sitting close to the team's bench, is that you get to see how professional players act during the game. The first four players on the bench watch the game closely. Knowing that at anytime their coach could throw them in the game. But as you gaze farther down the bench at the guys who don't get to play that much, they do not pay attention to the game at all. All they do is look in the audience to inform one another when they see a hot girl. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of good looking women at the game. I myself, even did a few stare downs. But these players are extremely fortunate to be playing in the NBA for a living. So you would think for 2 and a half hours they could just watch their team play and not gawk at women the whole game. Man, where's A.C. Green when you need him? (Fun fact: A.C. Green, early 40's, a former NBA player who remained abstinent until he got married two years ago.)

When you sit behind the basket, the first ten rows are given these big cardboard signs that say "BRICK." You are too flash and wave these signs, whenever the opposing team shoots a free throw. Knowing how stupid I would feel holding this sign and realizing this has no effect on a professional nba player missig a free throw, I refuse to partake in this pointless act. But everybody else sitting around gets extremely into it. If its kids doing it, I totally understand. Kids are annoying. But these are 40-year-old grown men, shaking these signs like there is no tomorrow. People, I hate to break it you. But your stupid little "BRICK" sign will have no distraction on a NBA player making a free throw, when they probably shoot 100 of them on a daily basis. Yeah, I could totally see Peja Stojakovic who completes 92 percent of free throws telling his coach, "Sorry coach about the missed free throw. But this one guy in row G, seat 7 was shaking his "BRICK" sign so rapidly. I just could not stop staring at it." Friggin morons!

During time-outs at NBA games there is always some type of entertainment for the fans. Every game there is a Dunkin Doughnut race on the jumbo-tron. When you enter the stadium, you are given a card that either has a "1, 2, or 3" on it. Which ever number you get that is the doughnut that you are suppose to root for. If your doughnut wins the race, you supposedly get a free doughnut and coffee, or something like that. You would think they are giving away free steak and lobster at the best restaurant in Chiago. These people are screaming on top of their lungs, cheering for their stupid-ass doughnut to win the race. And again, these are not just kids we are talking about here. Also, during time-outs they got these guys running around shooting out these free-shirts. Depending on how loud you are screaming, they will shoot the t-shirt in your area. These same annoying fans are spazzing out, acting like monkeys all for a stinkin free t-shirt. You would think there was some type of gold wrapped inside of these t-shirts. I saw this 30 someting year-old guy, wrestling with a ten-year-old kid for this spectacular, once in a lifetime t-shirt. Geez, get a life!

Finally, one of the perks of going to a basketball game is the food. You really don't eat at a game if you are trying to diet. Between the nachos, hot dogs, pizza, beef sandwiches, and cheesburgers the fat kid alarm was naturally going off at an alarming rate. I chose to go with the "minnie burgers." Which are, three miniature cheeseburgers with a pickle on top. They were very scrumptious. Usually, I also get nachos too but fortunately the inner fat kid was taking a nap. And I had no intentions of waking him. I think these pro arenas are trying to making every single fan obese. Because if the Bulls score over 120 points and win, every fan gets a free Big Mac from McDonalds. Apparently, it is not enough if a fan chows down on a hot dog, nachos, pretzel, ice cream cone and a large coke. Add on to that a free doughnut from the pheneomenal dunkin doughnut race, if you are so fortunate to win. Heck, you would think the Bulls organization would give a free lipo after a night of eating like that.

I'm out!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Boring Random Rants and a Whacko Lady

Alright, what up? I never know how to start these darn things, so lets cut to the chase here.

My thoughts on Sammy Sosa being traded: What team would want Sosa? Are they crazy? Granted the Cubs will be paying for most of his salary, but this guy is damaged goods. He hits for a low average, strikes out a ton, can't field, has no arm, close to 40 years old, doesn't care about winning, plays loud annoying music with his boombox, has some sketchy entourage, and is a self-centered pain in the ass. You would think these reasons, would be enough not to trade for him. But for some strange reason the Baltimore Orioles were willing to take him. Here is another good example of Cubs GM Jim Hendry making another masterful move. If he could only be the White Sox GM. . . . Now don't think that just because Sosa has left the Cubs, I'm switching to the North Side. There are still too may reasons why I would never become a Cub fan. One of them is the fear of my father disowning me. So don't worry, I will always stay true to my lonely White Sox. No matter how tough it gets. But for all you Cubs fan out there, be extremely happy that this phoney, fake, piece of crap is gone.

What the heck happend Saturday Night Live? Oh my God is it bad! The cast is so not funny. The writing is horrible! Lorne Michaels, its time to do something already. The only funny/talented person on the cast right now is Fred Arminsen. He is really the only guy I see who has a future in Hollywood. I'll also add that Darrell Hammond is good at doing impressions and Amy Poehler is funny for a chic. One of the problems I see with this cast, is that they have no recurring characters. Recurring characters are what made this show so great. Characters like Waynes World, Pat, Church Lady, Opera Man, Matt Foley, Harry Carry, Bulls/Bears guys etc... Right now, I cannot name one recurring character for this present cast. Now that Will Ferrell (comic genius), Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, and Jimmy Fallon have all left I think it would be wise to start all over with a whole new cast of no-names. Kind of like what they did when Farley/Sandler/Myers/Spade all left the show. Oh, and who's bright idea was it to make Tina Fey the head writer. Ever since she has gotten that title, the show has gone in the crapper. Oh and no, this is not a campaign to get Schmuko an opportunity on the show. I am fully aware that I am not talented enough to be on the show. So don't worry folks.

I saw an advertisement for that new "Apprentice Burger" from Burger King. I believe its called the "Western Steakburger." It contains 1/3 lb of burger, lettuce, chedder cheese, bbq sauce, and onion rings (woooh) After seing this ad, the fat kid alarm was of course going off at a rapid rate. So I waddled over to my nearest Burger King and was getting ready to meet my new friend. Right before I was getting ready to order, some whacko lady comes out of nowhere and cuts in front of me to ask for change. I mean, it was almost like it was staged or something. The timing was just phenomenal. Seeing that I was waiting before the whacko lady, the Burger King employee allowed me to order my food first. So of course I went ahead and ordered my Western Steakburger. The whacko lady, hears what I orderd and glances at the pictuee of the Steakburger. She then says to me, "Oooooh ,boy that looks good." Being the friendly gent that I am, I replied, "Yes it does." Was she done talking? Oh no. Because this burger is known as the "Apprentice Burger." She then says, "Oh, thats the burger from The Apprentice. That Donald Trump sure has weird hair. Its so obvious he goes for the comb-over. Hah-Hah-Hah." (Hey annoying Sherlock, that's the first I've heard about somebody talking about Trump's hair. Friggin Idiot!) Trying to get her to shut the F-up, I just faked laughed and said "Oh, I know." But people, the question here is why do you have to talk to me? I don't know you and I don't want to get to know you. I'm just trying to fill my manatee appetite and enjoy a burger here. So please leave me the hell alone and in return I will leave you alone. Deal? Deal.

Before I say goodbye, I'll tell you my Super Bowl thoughts. Very good match-up between the Patriots and Eagles. If Terrell Owens was 100 percent healthy, I might have picked the Eagles. But since he is not, I will have to go with the Patriots. Tom Brady always finds a way to get the job done, Bellicheck is amazing at coming up with defensive schemes, and Corey Dillon is a weapon that they have never been able to utilize in a Super Bowl before. I do think the Eagles will make the game competitive. Terell Owens will not be a factor and will be mainy used as a decoy. If the Patriots can stop the versatile Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have no chance. Final Score: Patriots 27 Eagles 23.

I'm out!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

When Schmuko Met Willow

Sorry for the late blog, but I've been damn busy. (Or just too lazy)

So last week I started to worry because I had nothing interesting to talk about. But then Friday rolled around and the awkward juices starting coming out at full force. (That sounds kind of gross.) Friday morning I had a simple task, to pick up one of my co-workers. I did not consider this a big deal, given that she lived a few blocks away from me and I had picked her up before. Instead of going the same way I went before, my genius self decided to go a different way. That way did not work out so well, as it took me about 20 minutes driving around like a bafoon to finally find her. So if anybody wants a non-intentional tour of the city, feel free to give me a call. I work mornings and evenings.

Friday night a buddy of mine, Nate, came in from Nashville. So it was time to hit the bars and show him a good time. If you were not aware, there was a huge snowstorm that started Friday evening. To be the cool-cat that I am, I decided not wear a coat. (Do you think this will come and bite me in the ass later?) I wore my Abercromnie zip-up sweater. For some reason this sweater gives me bad luck. One day over this past summer, I was going to a Cubs game. And when I checked the weather report, I could of sworn that it was going to be 50 degrees. So I dressed a little warm and wore this sweater. Big mistake! At the game, we sat in one of these roof-tops in the outfield. And boy was the sun beaming on us. It must of felt close to 80 degrees. The logical solution would be to take off the sweater. Unfortunately, I had an extremely tight, stained undershirt on underneath. I was not in the mood to go prancing around, showing my guns in this revealing outfit. As the game went on, I must of had six or seven different people telling me to take my sweater off. It would be one thing if I knew these people, but they were complete strangers. I felt like I had the whole roof-top trying to take my head off just because I was wearing a sweater. Damn, people can be annoying!

Wearing this infamous sweater in the snowstorm, we headed out and met up with some other people. When I walked into the bar, I was surprised to see that it was packed given the weather conditions. I asked my friend Sean why was it so packed around here? He then replied, "There's some kind of AIDS benefit party going on." Hence the reason for the red ribbons all over the table I was sitting at. I thought to myself, "Can't wait to meet my lucky lady here." (SAI-LOR!) Anyways, we still had our fun at this bar, but it was time to move on to the next one.

When we headed outside, there was even more snow coming down. It was nasty out there! Fortunately, the next bar was across the street. At this bar they had a little dance floor. Let me tell ya, one of the most entertaining things is to watch these fellow schmukos go up to girls and start dancing with them. Its fun to guess how long it will take for the girl to turn them down. Then these jackasses move on to some other chick and give it another shot. At the same time, you got to give them credit for trying. As time went on, my friends and I ended up on the dance floor. It was time for Schmuko to break out the "roger rabbit." That always gets the place bumpin. (Man, am I hip!) Nate started dancing with this decent looking Indian gal, while her friend who looked like Willow was waiting to be swept off her feet by prince charming. (Fun fact: the actor that played Willow is the same person that played the Leprechaun.) I had to take a pass on Willow and allow Sean to step in. Who I might add, did a phenomenal job as wing-man. The bar was closing down and it was time figure what to do next. The plans were to go get some grub with the decent looking Indian gal and Willow/Leprechaun. Given that it would not be appetizing to see Willow chow down a burger, I decided to call it a night and head back.

I walked outside and tried to find a cab. Tons of snow had accumulated and it was still snowing. It was also freezing outside and I was wearing that damn friggin stupid sweater! I looked outside for a cab and saw nothing. Neither were there any cars roaming the streets. I thought to myself "Damn, not again!." If you remember I had this same problem during New Years, but luckily a hot dog saved me. But this time there would be no hot dog and the weather conditions would be ten times worse. So I sucked it up and started to walk. The sidewalks were piled with snow, so I had to walk in the street. It was freezing beyond belief. My face and ears felt the worst. As I walked a few cabs went by, but of course they were occupied. I really did not think I was going to make it, but I had no other choice.

At one point the freezing temperature was becoming so unbearable I had to walk into a bar. I stood there and warmed up for a few minutes. I was probably half-way home. I went back outside and continued my journey. As I walked the streets, I saw people pushing their car out of the snow and cars swerving in the streets. One car that went by me, was spinning so much it almost hit me. That sure would of been a bummer. After 40-45 minutes of walking I could see the light. I saw my building not too far away. It was a wonderful feeling. I was so damn frustrated, angered, exhausted, and my brain was barely functioning from the walk. So to see the destination was quite a relief. Then an SUV drives past me and slows down. Some wasted girl in the back seat rolls down her window. I could tell she was going to say something. Do you want to know what she said to me? It wasn't, "Oh, wow you must be freezing." It wasn't, "Hey do you want a ride?" Nor was it, "Hey, you sure are courageous and brave to be walking in this weather." Instead it was, "Does your vagina smell?" What a wonderful, interesting question! Funny you ask that because I was wondering the same thing. (Damn, drunk bitch!)

I'm out!

Friday, January 14, 2005

I like to eat Burrito Bowls.

Alright its Friday, so let’s get the awkwardness going.

The other night I was doing some jogging on the treadmill, in the work-out room in my building. In the work-out room we have one TV. So whoever is in the room first has control over the TV. At times this can turn into a huge problem. I can get stuck watching some really bad crap for a while, like Gillmore Girls or some cheesy Lifetime movie. Whenever I have control over the TV, I try to put something on that would interest everybody. Like a football or basketball game. When I entered the work-out room I saw an older lady working out. I thought to myself “Shit! What the hell does she have on?” I look up at the TV and the woman has “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” on the tube. Let me just say its annoying enough to be jogging 3 miles and burned out after a long day of work. But it is even worse to watch these overly flamboyant, so-called men critique some dude as he shaves naked in the bathroom, By the end of the work-out, I felt like Richard Simmons sweatin’ to the oldies. I think the damn “Queer Show hypnotized me. Because right after I was done jogging, I did some squats and lunges to tighten up my ass.

The other day I waddled over to one of my favorite places, Chilpote. Many people at Chilpote always order a burrito or tacos. These people are unaware of the best item on the menu: The Burrito Bowl. A burrito bowl is basically everything you have in a burrito, but without the tortilla. It is served in a bowl and makes a scrumptious and delicious rice concoction. But before you order this dish there are a few rules you have to know.

1. Ask for extra rice, when they are filling your bowl with rice. This increases the portion size of your burrito bowl with not extra cost. But it is imperative that you ask for the extra rice after they have given your standard 2 scoops of rice.
2. When it comes to the meat part, do not be afraid to ask for double meat. So it is very possible that you could be eating your burrito bowl with not only chicken, but some steak in there also. (The fat kid alarm is going off now!)
3. Finally, I do not want to take credit for this because I did not come up with it. But an un-named source figured out that after your rice bowl is made, ask for a tortilla on the side. Now you can use this tortilla to either eat on the side as bread, or put some of the rice bowl ingredients on it. This is totally your own discretion. If you are a female it is crucial that you ask the male Chilpote worker for the tortilla. If you are a male, you ask the female Chilpote worker. And if you are ugly, just flip a coin.

Moving on, many people are asking me my thoughts on the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston break-up. Well, lets start off by saying both these people appear to be extremely good looking, so they will have no trouble finding anybody else. So people, lets stop with this whining over there split. To all those rumors that the reason Brad split from Jen is because he wanted a baby, but Jen did not want one is complete bull. Brad Pitt could give a rat’s ass if he has a kid or not. I’ll fill you in on what happened. One day Brad Pitt woke up and realized he was Brad Pitt. He realized that he was filming a movie with Angelina Jolie, and that he could get her (probably aleady did) and anybody else he wants. Hell, he could probably even get me if he tried hard enough. He realized that his wife Jennifer, 34, is not getting any younger. Hence, is why the split happened. Don't get me wrong, Jennifer Anniston is an amazing looking woman. I would probably give my left arm to be a in the same room as that woman. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit here, I would give my right arm since I’m a lefty. Get your head out of the gutter, I know what you are thinking.

WARNING:To all you non-sport fans, this last rant will bore the crap out of you.

How about my Chicago Bulls? Have you seen how they are playing? They have won five in a row and have one of the best records in the NBA for January. Most of the credit has to go to Coach Scott Skiles and GM John Paxson. Skiles has done an amazing job coaching this team and has actually taught them how to play defense. John Paxson has gotten rid of all that crap on all that team and brought in people who actually want to play hard-nosed basketball. Jalen Rose, Jamal Crawford, Eddie Robinson, Marcus Fizer have all gone bye-bye. He has made three superb draft picks in Kirk Hinrich(reminds me of John Stockon), Ben Gordon (the guy can score!), and Luol Deng(never stops moving). And finally Eddy Curry (contract year) is playing like how people imagined he could. This team has a young nucleus and will only get better. The Eastern Conference is so bad, I think they have a chance to be the 4th of 5th seed by the end of the season. You heard it here first folks.

Alright I’m Out!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Can you spare a square? I can!

So I head over to Target the other day. The main reason I went there is to get the microwavable Campbell's Soup bowls. I usually eat 3 or 4 of these at work on a weekly basis. I go for the chicken noodle ones or chicken & pasta. I am a not a big fan of the beef or steak ones. The microwavable soups really save me. Around 12:00 is usually our lunch time, but at around 10a-11a I am just starving. And the soup does its best to hold me over till lunch. It is also not that fattening either, which is good when you have the eating capacity of a manatee(A big fat 1,000 pound mammal that lives under water.) The grocery stores around the city sell these soups at high prices, but Target prices them a lot cheaper. So I walk in to Target and of course they were cleaned out, nowhere to be seen. But fortunately there were some other things I needed to get. One of those items was toilet paper. Yes people, the big secret is out! Jonno does go #2. I apologize to all of my fans who thought differently. Now the question is, when the hell did Target turn into Sam's Club? Because all the toilet paper I saw was being sold in these huge mega 24-36 packs. I don't know about you, but whenever I see people wheeling around these huge packs of toilet paper, I always notice it and chuckle a little to myself. I know its immature, but I can't help it. So there was no way I was carrying a 36-pack toilet paper. The smallest I could find was a 12-pack and it still seemed a little to much for me. I just figured to myself, "What the hell? Who am I trying to impress?" Its not like I'll find Salma Hayek strolling around here. So I toughed it up and got the damn toilet paper. Oh and by the way, I did catch some kids staring at me and my 12-pack.

So after work, I headed back to my apartment building. One of negatives of living in an apartment building is that whatever you bring back people see. The doorman, people in the lobby, or even people in the elevator. Its not like I'm smuggling midgets or anything, but I like to have some privacy. I take the big thing of toilet paper out of my car. Of course its not in a bag because it's too damn big! I mean I might as well have a sign on my back that reads "Look everybody, I can poop!" I walk into my building and instantly get a few stares. But now its time for the awkward elevator ride. I step in the elevator, ready to go up, and there I see an attractive girl in the elevator.(Worst-case scenario!) So Schmuko(me!) comes stumbling in the elevator with my over-sized pack of toilet paper. And I don't think she was impressed. You knowI don't blame here. If I saw a decent looking girl hauling an obscene amount of toilet paper, I would be like "What the hell also?" So I totally understand her reaction. The thing I dont understand is, why could it of been one of the sixty-year-old ladies in the elevator? We have plenty of those in my building. If that was the case, I would not of given a rat's ass. Heck, I might of even offered the older lady a roll or two. But I guess moments like these are what makes the "Awkward Chronicles" so special.

I'm pooped out! (Hah-Hah) Get it??? Okay I'll stop.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Missing calzones, cleavage, locked out, and no taxis

I truly hope everyone had a fabulous, phenomenal New Year's Eve. (Honestly, I could give a rat's ass how it went.) But, I'll just say it to be nice.

As I walk down the street, waddle to the grocery store, pump gas, or even volunteer at the soup kitchen.(okay maybe an exaggeration) Everyone wants to know, "Hey Jonno, how did your New Year's Eve go? Settle down, I 'll tell ya. I had a good time alright. It was great to hang out with some of my good friends that I do not get to see that often. I know at least some of you are thinking, "Hey Jonno, you have friends????" Well, good question. I mean they know my name and sometimes hang out with me. But hey, who the hell knows? Maybe it's like "The Truman Show" where they are paid actors to like me. Anyways, let's move on.

So we went to this bar in Wrigleyville for a party. It was all you can drink from 8-2 for $85. So I stragetically found a spot right in front of the bar. I knew as time went on this spot would be valuable property, so it was crucial that I did not lose it. I ordered my first kettle one & tonic and chatted with some people.

As I glanced to the right, my fat kid alarm went off. I saw one of the bar tenders putting out food in the corner. I knew there would be food at the party, but I was curious as to what the food would be. At the same time, you don't want to be the first fatso who gets the food and everyone notices it and ask questions. "What is that? Where did you get that from? Is it good? That looks good. You must be hungry." To avoid all these annoyances I waited for some other people to get some food and then made my move. As I waddled over to the table I saw a nice spread of different kinds of calzones. They had "The works, itailain beef, sausage, chicken parmsean, poor boy, and vegetarian. I chose the chicken parmesean calzone and was very pleased with the results. So I'm eating my calzone and talking. I then realized I was not paying enough attention to my beverage. So put my plate down on the bar and drank a little bit. As I turned back around to reunite with my calzone, it was gone. I mean it was only like 2 minutes that I left it alone. I don't know if somebody else ate it, or the bartender threw it away. Whatever the case was, I was not pleased. I mean it took a lot of work to walk through the crowds of people, get the calozne, walk back through the crowds of people, and then try to regain my strategic position at the bar. If the person who ate my chicken parmesean calzone is reading this right now, all I can say is that you are not a good person. Eventually, I did make it back to the calzone table and tried the poor boy. And it was not as good as my lost chicken parmesean calzone.

Alright I am far from a pervert, and please nobody take this the wrong way. But what the heck was with all the cleavage coming out at me at all angles. In front of me the bartender was showing it, then to the right of me I got major cleavage staring at me, and then to my left it was peeking at me. As Seinfeld once said, " Cleavage is very similar to the sun. You take a peek, and then you got to look away." Ladies, I am very happy for you that you are well endowed, but enough of the teasing. I can only take so much.

When you are standing in the same position for a while, you really have no idea how much alcohol you've hand until you walk around. I headed over to the restroom to urinate and saw a line. There were only three bathrooms and two of them were for the females. The men's bathroom only had a one urnel and one toilet. So after standing in line for a while, and figuring that whoever was in the bathroom was not coming out. I brainstormed some other ideas. I looked around and saw an exit door. I thought I remembered seeing people coming in through the exit door, as I was waiting in line. I then preceded to walk through the exit door and take care of business. I then tried to get back in through the door, but it was locked. I thought to myself, "This can't be good." Then I figured, maybe I can go back through the front. No dice, I was fenced in. I then decided to go for the "repeated panic knock" and banged on the door. A few moments later, one of the bartenders opened the door. He was not pleased with me. He asked me what I was doing out there, and I flat out told him. I think he was going to kick me out. After some desperate apologizing on my part, he let me back in. But boy, that was a close one. Looking back, I should of told him that I had to make a phone call and it was too loud inside. That would of sounded better. But I can never be that spontaneously slick. (Read "Schmucko's Big Debut" blog if you need evidence.)

As the night wound down, it was time to head out . After getting through the circus that was outside, myself and two of my buddies Nick(on a sidenote, had some fantastic banter with the bartender) and Drew needed to find a cab. I vaguely remember there being some other people walking with us. After seeing how many people were waiting for a cab, I thought it would be a good idea to walk a little bit and get away from the crowds. About ten minutes later, we were able to find a cab. I don't how, but we did. The people that were walking with us were gone. So the three of us got in the cab. After a night of drinking, and without company, there was only one thing left on our minds: FOOD. In the cab, Nick started to hassle the cab driver if he knew any places, where we could get any food. Because the cab driver did not know much English, we did not get any results. So as we passed by a hot dog stand, the fat kid alarm went off again and I told the cab driver to stop here. I knew in the back of my mind this would be a mistake, since it was so difficult to find this cab. But at this point, food was more important. So we went in and got some food to go.

I don't remember what street we were on, but I made the executive decision to walk until we could get a cab. Every cab that would go by, was occupied. After about five cabs, I knew we were in trouble. Oh and it was extremely cold outside, and none of us had coats on. We decided to then eat the food as we walked. I remember my hot dog tasting very good. Every cab that went by I would hold up my arm, even though I knew it was taken. It was really a helpless feeling, to be freezing cold and not being able to find a vacant cab. It never crossed my drunken brain to maybe walk down a different street. That probably would of been a decent idea. As we were walking, there was this guy wearing a white t-shirt, spazzing out, and trying to pick fights. Being frustrated about freezing and not finding a cab, I don't remember what, but I said something to the guy. Not really realizing that this guy could easily unload on me and beat my ass. Nick also starting saying stuff to the white shirt guy. But fortunately, Drew had enough sense to tell us to walk away. We continued to walk and still no vacant cabs. Honestly, I had no idea where we were, but I just knew what direction we had to walk. After maybe 20-30 minutes, we finally found a cab and called it a night.

Wow! I'm out!