Sunday, January 02, 2005

Missing calzones, cleavage, locked out, and no taxis

I truly hope everyone had a fabulous, phenomenal New Year's Eve. (Honestly, I could give a rat's ass how it went.) But, I'll just say it to be nice.

As I walk down the street, waddle to the grocery store, pump gas, or even volunteer at the soup kitchen.(okay maybe an exaggeration) Everyone wants to know, "Hey Jonno, how did your New Year's Eve go? Settle down, I 'll tell ya. I had a good time alright. It was great to hang out with some of my good friends that I do not get to see that often. I know at least some of you are thinking, "Hey Jonno, you have friends????" Well, good question. I mean they know my name and sometimes hang out with me. But hey, who the hell knows? Maybe it's like "The Truman Show" where they are paid actors to like me. Anyways, let's move on.

So we went to this bar in Wrigleyville for a party. It was all you can drink from 8-2 for $85. So I stragetically found a spot right in front of the bar. I knew as time went on this spot would be valuable property, so it was crucial that I did not lose it. I ordered my first kettle one & tonic and chatted with some people.

As I glanced to the right, my fat kid alarm went off. I saw one of the bar tenders putting out food in the corner. I knew there would be food at the party, but I was curious as to what the food would be. At the same time, you don't want to be the first fatso who gets the food and everyone notices it and ask questions. "What is that? Where did you get that from? Is it good? That looks good. You must be hungry." To avoid all these annoyances I waited for some other people to get some food and then made my move. As I waddled over to the table I saw a nice spread of different kinds of calzones. They had "The works, itailain beef, sausage, chicken parmsean, poor boy, and vegetarian. I chose the chicken parmesean calzone and was very pleased with the results. So I'm eating my calzone and talking. I then realized I was not paying enough attention to my beverage. So put my plate down on the bar and drank a little bit. As I turned back around to reunite with my calzone, it was gone. I mean it was only like 2 minutes that I left it alone. I don't know if somebody else ate it, or the bartender threw it away. Whatever the case was, I was not pleased. I mean it took a lot of work to walk through the crowds of people, get the calozne, walk back through the crowds of people, and then try to regain my strategic position at the bar. If the person who ate my chicken parmesean calzone is reading this right now, all I can say is that you are not a good person. Eventually, I did make it back to the calzone table and tried the poor boy. And it was not as good as my lost chicken parmesean calzone.

Alright I am far from a pervert, and please nobody take this the wrong way. But what the heck was with all the cleavage coming out at me at all angles. In front of me the bartender was showing it, then to the right of me I got major cleavage staring at me, and then to my left it was peeking at me. As Seinfeld once said, " Cleavage is very similar to the sun. You take a peek, and then you got to look away." Ladies, I am very happy for you that you are well endowed, but enough of the teasing. I can only take so much.

When you are standing in the same position for a while, you really have no idea how much alcohol you've hand until you walk around. I headed over to the restroom to urinate and saw a line. There were only three bathrooms and two of them were for the females. The men's bathroom only had a one urnel and one toilet. So after standing in line for a while, and figuring that whoever was in the bathroom was not coming out. I brainstormed some other ideas. I looked around and saw an exit door. I thought I remembered seeing people coming in through the exit door, as I was waiting in line. I then preceded to walk through the exit door and take care of business. I then tried to get back in through the door, but it was locked. I thought to myself, "This can't be good." Then I figured, maybe I can go back through the front. No dice, I was fenced in. I then decided to go for the "repeated panic knock" and banged on the door. A few moments later, one of the bartenders opened the door. He was not pleased with me. He asked me what I was doing out there, and I flat out told him. I think he was going to kick me out. After some desperate apologizing on my part, he let me back in. But boy, that was a close one. Looking back, I should of told him that I had to make a phone call and it was too loud inside. That would of sounded better. But I can never be that spontaneously slick. (Read "Schmucko's Big Debut" blog if you need evidence.)

As the night wound down, it was time to head out . After getting through the circus that was outside, myself and two of my buddies Nick(on a sidenote, had some fantastic banter with the bartender) and Drew needed to find a cab. I vaguely remember there being some other people walking with us. After seeing how many people were waiting for a cab, I thought it would be a good idea to walk a little bit and get away from the crowds. About ten minutes later, we were able to find a cab. I don't how, but we did. The people that were walking with us were gone. So the three of us got in the cab. After a night of drinking, and without company, there was only one thing left on our minds: FOOD. In the cab, Nick started to hassle the cab driver if he knew any places, where we could get any food. Because the cab driver did not know much English, we did not get any results. So as we passed by a hot dog stand, the fat kid alarm went off again and I told the cab driver to stop here. I knew in the back of my mind this would be a mistake, since it was so difficult to find this cab. But at this point, food was more important. So we went in and got some food to go.

I don't remember what street we were on, but I made the executive decision to walk until we could get a cab. Every cab that would go by, was occupied. After about five cabs, I knew we were in trouble. Oh and it was extremely cold outside, and none of us had coats on. We decided to then eat the food as we walked. I remember my hot dog tasting very good. Every cab that went by I would hold up my arm, even though I knew it was taken. It was really a helpless feeling, to be freezing cold and not being able to find a vacant cab. It never crossed my drunken brain to maybe walk down a different street. That probably would of been a decent idea. As we were walking, there was this guy wearing a white t-shirt, spazzing out, and trying to pick fights. Being frustrated about freezing and not finding a cab, I don't remember what, but I said something to the guy. Not really realizing that this guy could easily unload on me and beat my ass. Nick also starting saying stuff to the white shirt guy. But fortunately, Drew had enough sense to tell us to walk away. We continued to walk and still no vacant cabs. Honestly, I had no idea where we were, but I just knew what direction we had to walk. After maybe 20-30 minutes, we finally found a cab and called it a night.

Wow! I'm out!

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