Tuesday, January 25, 2005

When Schmuko Met Willow

Sorry for the late blog, but I've been damn busy. (Or just too lazy)

So last week I started to worry because I had nothing interesting to talk about. But then Friday rolled around and the awkward juices starting coming out at full force. (That sounds kind of gross.) Friday morning I had a simple task, to pick up one of my co-workers. I did not consider this a big deal, given that she lived a few blocks away from me and I had picked her up before. Instead of going the same way I went before, my genius self decided to go a different way. That way did not work out so well, as it took me about 20 minutes driving around like a bafoon to finally find her. So if anybody wants a non-intentional tour of the city, feel free to give me a call. I work mornings and evenings.

Friday night a buddy of mine, Nate, came in from Nashville. So it was time to hit the bars and show him a good time. If you were not aware, there was a huge snowstorm that started Friday evening. To be the cool-cat that I am, I decided not wear a coat. (Do you think this will come and bite me in the ass later?) I wore my Abercromnie zip-up sweater. For some reason this sweater gives me bad luck. One day over this past summer, I was going to a Cubs game. And when I checked the weather report, I could of sworn that it was going to be 50 degrees. So I dressed a little warm and wore this sweater. Big mistake! At the game, we sat in one of these roof-tops in the outfield. And boy was the sun beaming on us. It must of felt close to 80 degrees. The logical solution would be to take off the sweater. Unfortunately, I had an extremely tight, stained undershirt on underneath. I was not in the mood to go prancing around, showing my guns in this revealing outfit. As the game went on, I must of had six or seven different people telling me to take my sweater off. It would be one thing if I knew these people, but they were complete strangers. I felt like I had the whole roof-top trying to take my head off just because I was wearing a sweater. Damn, people can be annoying!

Wearing this infamous sweater in the snowstorm, we headed out and met up with some other people. When I walked into the bar, I was surprised to see that it was packed given the weather conditions. I asked my friend Sean why was it so packed around here? He then replied, "There's some kind of AIDS benefit party going on." Hence the reason for the red ribbons all over the table I was sitting at. I thought to myself, "Can't wait to meet my lucky lady here." (SAI-LOR!) Anyways, we still had our fun at this bar, but it was time to move on to the next one.

When we headed outside, there was even more snow coming down. It was nasty out there! Fortunately, the next bar was across the street. At this bar they had a little dance floor. Let me tell ya, one of the most entertaining things is to watch these fellow schmukos go up to girls and start dancing with them. Its fun to guess how long it will take for the girl to turn them down. Then these jackasses move on to some other chick and give it another shot. At the same time, you got to give them credit for trying. As time went on, my friends and I ended up on the dance floor. It was time for Schmuko to break out the "roger rabbit." That always gets the place bumpin. (Man, am I hip!) Nate started dancing with this decent looking Indian gal, while her friend who looked like Willow was waiting to be swept off her feet by prince charming. (Fun fact: the actor that played Willow is the same person that played the Leprechaun.) I had to take a pass on Willow and allow Sean to step in. Who I might add, did a phenomenal job as wing-man. The bar was closing down and it was time figure what to do next. The plans were to go get some grub with the decent looking Indian gal and Willow/Leprechaun. Given that it would not be appetizing to see Willow chow down a burger, I decided to call it a night and head back.

I walked outside and tried to find a cab. Tons of snow had accumulated and it was still snowing. It was also freezing outside and I was wearing that damn friggin stupid sweater! I looked outside for a cab and saw nothing. Neither were there any cars roaming the streets. I thought to myself "Damn, not again!." If you remember I had this same problem during New Years, but luckily a hot dog saved me. But this time there would be no hot dog and the weather conditions would be ten times worse. So I sucked it up and started to walk. The sidewalks were piled with snow, so I had to walk in the street. It was freezing beyond belief. My face and ears felt the worst. As I walked a few cabs went by, but of course they were occupied. I really did not think I was going to make it, but I had no other choice.

At one point the freezing temperature was becoming so unbearable I had to walk into a bar. I stood there and warmed up for a few minutes. I was probably half-way home. I went back outside and continued my journey. As I walked the streets, I saw people pushing their car out of the snow and cars swerving in the streets. One car that went by me, was spinning so much it almost hit me. That sure would of been a bummer. After 40-45 minutes of walking I could see the light. I saw my building not too far away. It was a wonderful feeling. I was so damn frustrated, angered, exhausted, and my brain was barely functioning from the walk. So to see the destination was quite a relief. Then an SUV drives past me and slows down. Some wasted girl in the back seat rolls down her window. I could tell she was going to say something. Do you want to know what she said to me? It wasn't, "Oh, wow you must be freezing." It wasn't, "Hey do you want a ride?" Nor was it, "Hey, you sure are courageous and brave to be walking in this weather." Instead it was, "Does your vagina smell?" What a wonderful, interesting question! Funny you ask that because I was wondering the same thing. (Damn, drunk bitch!)

I'm out!

No comments: