Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Man Soup

The other weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating my bachelor party in Vegas. Surprisingly, the highlight of the weekend was not the strip clubs, the partying, nor the gambling... It was the hot tub. A.K.A "Man Soup."

To help understand the story a little bit more, here’s a breakdown of some of the key players in the bachelor party crew.
“The Bear”: big and broad, married, very reserved, but can be become more animated when he drinks. 
 BJ: Tall, preppy, married, and not afraid to be cocky.

 Ben: A little goofy, single, laid back, likes to have a good time. (BJ referred to him as a slimmer and better looking version of me. Thanks BJ!) 

It was Saturday morning and we were all recuperating from a night out at some sketchy strip clubs. (One of them had a metal detector at the entrance) The plan was to hang out in the room and make our own screwdrivers. Even though it was 60 degrees outside and fairly chilly, Ben would not stop talking about going to the hot tub. In order to get him to shut the hell up, we waddled down to the hotel hot tub.

As we approached the tub we saw to our chagrin that it was overfilled with about 10 dudes. There was no way this was going to work, so our hot tub dreams and aspirations were over. As we headed back to our room, we encountered Joseph, one of the hotel’s pool staff, who was maybe 18. Joseph saw our despondent expressions and we explained the horrific hot tub situation. With absolutely no hesitation, Joseph empathized with us and nodded, “I gotcha. It was a man soup in there.”

A Man Soup

“Man soup?” Joseph had officially coined one of the greatest phrases I've ever heard. On top of that, he gave us the news that there were indeed more hot tubs on the tenth floor of the hotel. It was at this point we realized Joseph was probably the coolest person in history.

We got to the tenth floor and were relieved to see two ladies around our age in a hot tub. One of the girls wore a bikini top that was a little too small for her chest and the other one had some sort of babushka covering her head. I was curious about the babushka, but I didn't ask because I was concerned she might have some sort of serious illness. Regardless, the four of us hopped into the tub to enjoy a little friendly banter.  

The chesty gal was yapping away with “The Bear” because they both worked in a similar industry. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that her areola popped out of her top. I tried to give my buddies some type of signal, but I didn’t want to get caught by the babushka gal. I also wasn’t sure what the etiquette was for a situation like this. Should I let her know? Or would it just make it more awkward if I said something? And why didn’t the babushka girl say something to help her friend? Was the babushka covering her eyes? For some reason I like saying the word babushka.

Because I didn’t want to get caught looking at the areola or burn a hole through it, I turned my attention to the babushka gal. For some reason BJ and her were in deep conversation about first names. She mentioned her name is Louise and BJ explained he was actually considering that name for his second child. Not even a minute later, the babushka says she has to get going and abruptly leaves the hot tub. Apparently discussing baby names is not the best conversation to have with single girls in a Vegas hot tub. After the babushka gal left, the areola girl promptly followed and our man soup was back into full effect. 

Even though there was a 10 minute limit warning sign for the hot tub, we stayed in there for about 4 hours. We were having an absolute blast getting bombed off of screwdrivers, while having idiotic arguments and completely inane conversations in a hot tub. As time went on, we had different people rotating in and out of our tub as if it were a talk show. Here were some of the highlights...

  •          “The Bear” flexing his muscles multiple times for no apparent reason
  •          Three soccer girls; one looked liked she had herpes around her mouth and of course I couldn’t keep myself from staring at it
  •          The four of us talking about how much fun we were having
  •          Two different older dads joining us; one of them sat in the corner silently while he  creepily smiled (Maybe at "The Bear’s" muscles)  
  •          Talking again about how much fun we were having
  •          “The Bear” falling asleep in the hot tub and me kindly holding him up so he wouldn’t drown
  •         Me urinating in the hot tub because I was too drunk/lazy to get out and walk to the bathroom

After the hot tub, we all stumbled back to the hotel room and passed out  for a couple of hours. "The Bear" ended up sleeping even longer because he is a bear and needed to hibernate. My buddies Mikey and Oleg joined us later that evening for another night of sketchy strip clubs. It was a great weekend overall and now that I have fully experienced a "Man Soup," I feel more ready than ever to marry Joseph. Excuse me... I mean Robyn.   

Strap on your seat belt ladies and gentleman! Because it’s time for a 6-Piece McNugget!

1.During the bachelor party, I was getting a friendly dance from a stripper. I wasn't exactly sure where to put my hands since I'm a happily engaged man, so I lightly touched her back. The stripper turns around and yells at me. "Who the hell are you? The Karate Kid?" 

2. Speaking of classic movies, the scene in "Jurassic Park" where Newman gets killed by the spitting dinosaur still frightens me.  

3.Whenever I see someone with a tattoo I assume they can beat my ass. (Actually, most people can)

4. Let’s be honest with each other… I know I'm not the only one dancing at home in my underwear to Justin Timberlake’s song “Mirrors.” Or am I?

I think it's time I bought some new underwear and a better fan.

5. Speaking of portly people, I'm beginning to think Rebel Wilson is really Taylor Swift in a fat suit. The Australian accent is just a cover. 

        6. The bragging and self-promotion on Facebook is really getting out of hand. Folks, can we try to limit it a little bit? (P.S. When you have a chance please like this blog post, like my new hand modeling FB page and please RSVP on FB to my one man show "My Life is So Good!")