Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Fire Alarm

So this past week I’ve been in Florida for work. I was getting a bit concerned when nothing of any awkward substance occurred during my trip. Fortunately, the awkward Gods were watching over me and I finally have an incident to share with all my peeps.

As I was getting some beauty sleep, I was having a dream that I cannot fully recall what it was about. I know for sure it wasn’t a sexual dream, or else I would’ve remembered that. Anyway, I was in the middle of my dream and having a conversation with some older man and all the sudden he started making this irritating loud sound. I then woke up and realized the reason he was making that annoying sound was because the fire alarm was going off in the hotel. I checked the clock and it was 1 a.m. After saying an expletive to myself, I waited a few minutes to see if the alarm was going to stop. It of course did not, so I said another expletive to myself and rolled out of bed in my jammy jams. (Picture me in Superman footsies)

I was still half asleep as I stumbled into the lobby. There were only a couple of other hotel guests that left their rooms. By the way, when did Tampa turn into Hickville? I swear every dang person in this hotel has some sort of strong southern accent. I don’t mind a southern accent every now again, but when it happens this frequently it’s a bit bothersome. Moving on, the two concierges behind the desk were giving no indication if it was a fake or real fire alarm. The concierges with their heads down repeatedly kept on picking up the phone and hanging up
without saying anything.

Watching them, I almost felt like I was stuck in some sort of nightmare because I could not figure for the life of me what the heck they were doing. A wise person probably would’ve walked up to them and asked them why the fire alarm was going off. But I was so tired and I didn’t have the strength to ask them. All I could do was stare at them with my mouth dropped open and wonder, “Why is this happening?”

Of course as I was waiting there had to be some entertainment. I already was not feeling the best because I had eaten some seafood at Best Western Hotel restaurant. Speaking of Hickville, this heavy-set Yosemite Sam looking dude rolls the lobby. He is practically dressed as a farmer, but for some odd reason he has this denim shirt on, but chooses not to button it. Therefore, his massive belly and chest are busting out of the shirt. All he had to do was just take 30 seconds of his life and button it. But for some reason he was proud of physique and decided to flaunt it to everybody. And as my mother once told me when I started developing… “If you got it, flaunt it!”

Because I was already not feeling well, the man’s appearance made me somewhat nauseous. As the concierges continued their robotic pick-up the phone and hang-up dance, fat Yosemite Sam decided to walk up to somebody to find out what was going on. And who does he choose out of the pick-up line? Any guesses? Our little innocent Jonno. As his pasty, hairy stomach jiggled my way in slow-motion - I couldn’t help, but throw up in my mouth a little bit. I felt like Judge Reinhold in that scene from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” where he watches Phoebe Cates get out of the pool. Only, this was quite the opposite effect.

Fat Yosemite Sam

Fat Yosemite Sam asks me if I know why the fire alarm was going off. To avoid making eye contact with his enormous gut or smell him, I looked away, held my breath and shook my head no. Fortunately, that was it for the Q & A session with Fat Yosemite Sam and he didn’t ask me to partake in a game of “Truth or Dare.” By the way, I never really understood the game of “Truth or Dare.” Choosing the truth is way easier than the dare. And what exactly is the incentive for doing the dare?

A few minutes later, the robotic concierges finally hung up their phones and the fire alarm stopped. They of course still did not give any explanation as why the alarm went off. I think one of them might have murmured a “sorry” under their breath, but it’s debatable if that was even said. All I could do was just look at them and shake my head, with a sarcastic chuckle of, “Are you kidding me?” I know the blame can’t go solely on them for what happened, but I got a feeling they contributed somehow to the alarm debalce.

By the time I went back to my room, I was fully awake. I had to wake up in a few hours for work, so I did everything in the book to make myself fall asleep. Nothing worked. Without anymore options, I found out what room Fat Yosemite Sam stayed at and we played a game of “Truth or Dare.” Surprisingly, Fat Yosemite Sam was a fan of going for the dares. Who knew he could shove 30 marsmallows up his sphincter?

I’m Out!

Monday, January 17, 2011

An Awkward Time at the Movies...

The Fighter: When I saw the trailer for this movie it did pique my interest, but I was still unsure how good it was actually going to be. I know it’s shocking to say, but Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch has actually turned into one the best actors out there. Btw, what happened to the heavy-set African American woman from the “Good Vibrations” video? You would think she would make some type of cameo in one of his films. Since Marky Mark’s somewhat comical performance in “Fear” he has really improved leaps and bounds in the acting department. Before I get into my review, I have a bone to pick with the trailers. Trailers used to be one of my favorite parts of the movie experience. Now it seems like anytime I see an R-rated movie, every trailer has to be a film about the devil or something depressing. I mean are there no more comedies coming out? I honestly think I strained my neck from having to continually look away from the screen from the scary trailers! (And yes, I’m totally aware that this is completely pathetic for a 29-year-old male to do.) By the way is Natalie Portman taking over the world? She literally has four movies coming out. How about a little variety Hollywood? More on her later.

For some reason I have trouble pulling off this look.

The story and the acting were superb. These days, it is near impossible to keep my focus and interest for a full 2 hours. I’m usually thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner or when will be the next time I will make love to a beautiful woman. But this movie sucked me in. You might as well give the Oscar to Christian Bale for the best supporting actor because there is nobody coming close to that performance. I guess there’s a reason why that dude is a crazy a-hole… Because he can act! And who the heck played the mom?  I’ve never seen her before, but her character was so annoying I wanted to jump out of my seat and strangle her. And just so you know, if a character gets under your skin like that they’re doing a hell of a job. To top it all off the film had Amy Adams in her bra and underwear. By the way, what’s the deal with the word “panties?” When will dudes understand they come off as creepy when they say “panties.” Only women are allowed to say that word so let’s try to stick to it fellas. Anyway, by far the best movie of the year! This movie shows that whenever you get an opportunity in life, you have to make the most of it because you might not get another shot. And if you don’t… Then I guess you’re kind of screwed.   

Little Fockers: I’m sure most of you are wondering why the heck I saw this movie.  And after seeing it, I’m kind of wondering the same thing. The reason being I was in the mood for an easy, light-hearted movie. Plus, I am a huge fan of the original and knew they had to redeem themselves after the atrocious “Meet the Fockers.” And I’m not really sure if they did because I actually fell asleep during the film. I might have smiled at one joke during the time I was awake. Owen Wilson’s role in this movie was completely useless and there was way too much of him. Even though Jessica Alba got into her bra and underwear (notice I did not say panties) in the movie, I wanted to bang my head with a frying pan watching her. Her storyline about the Viagra drug and her character hitting on Ben Stiller was so bad, I probably would have preferred to of seen Barbara Streisand in her bra and underwear instead. And please don’t even get me started on the whole Dustin Hoffman salsa dancing thing because who’s ever that idea was should be blacklisted from the industry. By the way, Teri Polo must be thanking her lucky stars that they made three of these films. Because the only other thing I know she’s done is that nude Playboy spread from a few years back. And just so you know, I never saw the spread because I’m a man of honor and integrity. Actually not really, I just have no desire to see Teri Polo naked. 

True Grit: Okay, I know this movie got rave reviews and numerous accolades, but I just didn’t get it. I see how the young girl is talented, but I feel like the whole mature, intelligent kid has been done way too many times. I also could not understand about half of the dialogue because of the southern twang that was going on. It sounded like Jeff Bridges had 20 bags of Big League Chew in his mouth. Speaking of Big League Chew… God, I miss that stuff! I feel like you’re only allowed to chew that stuff if you’re playing little league baseball. On the other hand, if a person such as myself chews Big League Chew, I might come off as a pedophile. Honestly, I think this debate is more interesting than this film.

Black Swan: Before I saw this film, I always thought Natalie Portman was the least frightening person on this planet. After seeing this film, Natalie Portman scares the crap out of me. I realize I get scared rather easily, but come on people… You can’t tell me you didn’t flinch a few times during this film. I never really appreciate a director when I see a movie, but I can tell this Darren Aronofsky is a talent. Although, I’m not sure how he could break up with the one and only Rachel Weisz. Similar to “The Fighter” this movie moves quickly and the time flies by. By the end of it your brain feels worn out and all you can do is just sit and stare in outer space for a few minutes. So for that reason alone you gotta see it. Another reason to see this film is the hot provocative scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for saying this, but this movie made want to have a vagina. (Not permanently, just for a like few minutes.)

McNugget Golden Globe Observations…
-They should have just called it “The Social Network” and GLEE awards
-I think if Christian Bale wasn’t such a good actor, he would need to be institutionalized.
-Bruce Willis looked like he wanted to kill Ricky Gervais after he made fun of him.
-By the way, I like Ricky Gervais and all of his digs at celebrities… But has he forgotten that every single movie he’s done has been awful?
-Can Jack McBrayer from 30 ROCK ever stop smiling? It's a bit excessive.
I'm sorry, but somebody needs to punch this guy in the face.
-Christopher Nolan’s wife is probably a wonderful woman, but she’s not very easy on the eyes.
-On another note, who knew Peggy Bundy was so attractive? Damn!    
-I thought security should have stepped in when that Autistic woman mauled and bear hugged Claire Danes after she won. They probably would have been better off sitting the woman with Christian Bale.
-After listening to Andrew Garfield present an award, I think it would have made more sense for him to be the lead in “The King’s Speech.”
-Props to Natalie Portman making a joke about her pregnancy.(And on a good note, she didn't scare me!)
-Mila Kunis sure wasted no time in finding her rebound guy in James Franco. Franco at least makes sense to me, because I never really understood the whole Macaulay Culkin relationship. Maybe Brian Austin Green should have gave Macaulay some advice, since he has been able to hang onto Megan Fox for so long. He seriously must have hypnotized her to make her think we are currently in 1992.

I’m Out!