Tuesday, January 25, 2005

When Schmuko Met Willow

Sorry for the late blog, but I've been damn busy. (Or just too lazy)

So last week I started to worry because I had nothing interesting to talk about. But then Friday rolled around and the awkward juices starting coming out at full force. (That sounds kind of gross.) Friday morning I had a simple task, to pick up one of my co-workers. I did not consider this a big deal, given that she lived a few blocks away from me and I had picked her up before. Instead of going the same way I went before, my genius self decided to go a different way. That way did not work out so well, as it took me about 20 minutes driving around like a bafoon to finally find her. So if anybody wants a non-intentional tour of the city, feel free to give me a call. I work mornings and evenings.

Friday night a buddy of mine, Nate, came in from Nashville. So it was time to hit the bars and show him a good time. If you were not aware, there was a huge snowstorm that started Friday evening. To be the cool-cat that I am, I decided not wear a coat. (Do you think this will come and bite me in the ass later?) I wore my Abercromnie zip-up sweater. For some reason this sweater gives me bad luck. One day over this past summer, I was going to a Cubs game. And when I checked the weather report, I could of sworn that it was going to be 50 degrees. So I dressed a little warm and wore this sweater. Big mistake! At the game, we sat in one of these roof-tops in the outfield. And boy was the sun beaming on us. It must of felt close to 80 degrees. The logical solution would be to take off the sweater. Unfortunately, I had an extremely tight, stained undershirt on underneath. I was not in the mood to go prancing around, showing my guns in this revealing outfit. As the game went on, I must of had six or seven different people telling me to take my sweater off. It would be one thing if I knew these people, but they were complete strangers. I felt like I had the whole roof-top trying to take my head off just because I was wearing a sweater. Damn, people can be annoying!

Wearing this infamous sweater in the snowstorm, we headed out and met up with some other people. When I walked into the bar, I was surprised to see that it was packed given the weather conditions. I asked my friend Sean why was it so packed around here? He then replied, "There's some kind of AIDS benefit party going on." Hence the reason for the red ribbons all over the table I was sitting at. I thought to myself, "Can't wait to meet my lucky lady here." (SAI-LOR!) Anyways, we still had our fun at this bar, but it was time to move on to the next one.

When we headed outside, there was even more snow coming down. It was nasty out there! Fortunately, the next bar was across the street. At this bar they had a little dance floor. Let me tell ya, one of the most entertaining things is to watch these fellow schmukos go up to girls and start dancing with them. Its fun to guess how long it will take for the girl to turn them down. Then these jackasses move on to some other chick and give it another shot. At the same time, you got to give them credit for trying. As time went on, my friends and I ended up on the dance floor. It was time for Schmuko to break out the "roger rabbit." That always gets the place bumpin. (Man, am I hip!) Nate started dancing with this decent looking Indian gal, while her friend who looked like Willow was waiting to be swept off her feet by prince charming. (Fun fact: the actor that played Willow is the same person that played the Leprechaun.) I had to take a pass on Willow and allow Sean to step in. Who I might add, did a phenomenal job as wing-man. The bar was closing down and it was time figure what to do next. The plans were to go get some grub with the decent looking Indian gal and Willow/Leprechaun. Given that it would not be appetizing to see Willow chow down a burger, I decided to call it a night and head back.

I walked outside and tried to find a cab. Tons of snow had accumulated and it was still snowing. It was also freezing outside and I was wearing that damn friggin stupid sweater! I looked outside for a cab and saw nothing. Neither were there any cars roaming the streets. I thought to myself "Damn, not again!." If you remember I had this same problem during New Years, but luckily a hot dog saved me. But this time there would be no hot dog and the weather conditions would be ten times worse. So I sucked it up and started to walk. The sidewalks were piled with snow, so I had to walk in the street. It was freezing beyond belief. My face and ears felt the worst. As I walked a few cabs went by, but of course they were occupied. I really did not think I was going to make it, but I had no other choice.

At one point the freezing temperature was becoming so unbearable I had to walk into a bar. I stood there and warmed up for a few minutes. I was probably half-way home. I went back outside and continued my journey. As I walked the streets, I saw people pushing their car out of the snow and cars swerving in the streets. One car that went by me, was spinning so much it almost hit me. That sure would of been a bummer. After 40-45 minutes of walking I could see the light. I saw my building not too far away. It was a wonderful feeling. I was so damn frustrated, angered, exhausted, and my brain was barely functioning from the walk. So to see the destination was quite a relief. Then an SUV drives past me and slows down. Some wasted girl in the back seat rolls down her window. I could tell she was going to say something. Do you want to know what she said to me? It wasn't, "Oh, wow you must be freezing." It wasn't, "Hey do you want a ride?" Nor was it, "Hey, you sure are courageous and brave to be walking in this weather." Instead it was, "Does your vagina smell?" What a wonderful, interesting question! Funny you ask that because I was wondering the same thing. (Damn, drunk bitch!)

I'm out!

Friday, January 14, 2005

I like to eat Burrito Bowls.

Alright its Friday, so let’s get the awkwardness going.

The other night I was doing some jogging on the treadmill, in the work-out room in my building. In the work-out room we have one TV. So whoever is in the room first has control over the TV. At times this can turn into a huge problem. I can get stuck watching some really bad crap for a while, like Gillmore Girls or some cheesy Lifetime movie. Whenever I have control over the TV, I try to put something on that would interest everybody. Like a football or basketball game. When I entered the work-out room I saw an older lady working out. I thought to myself “Shit! What the hell does she have on?” I look up at the TV and the woman has “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” on the tube. Let me just say its annoying enough to be jogging 3 miles and burned out after a long day of work. But it is even worse to watch these overly flamboyant, so-called men critique some dude as he shaves naked in the bathroom, By the end of the work-out, I felt like Richard Simmons sweatin’ to the oldies. I think the damn “Queer Show hypnotized me. Because right after I was done jogging, I did some squats and lunges to tighten up my ass.

The other day I waddled over to one of my favorite places, Chilpote. Many people at Chilpote always order a burrito or tacos. These people are unaware of the best item on the menu: The Burrito Bowl. A burrito bowl is basically everything you have in a burrito, but without the tortilla. It is served in a bowl and makes a scrumptious and delicious rice concoction. But before you order this dish there are a few rules you have to know.

1. Ask for extra rice, when they are filling your bowl with rice. This increases the portion size of your burrito bowl with not extra cost. But it is imperative that you ask for the extra rice after they have given your standard 2 scoops of rice.
2. When it comes to the meat part, do not be afraid to ask for double meat. So it is very possible that you could be eating your burrito bowl with not only chicken, but some steak in there also. (The fat kid alarm is going off now!)
3. Finally, I do not want to take credit for this because I did not come up with it. But an un-named source figured out that after your rice bowl is made, ask for a tortilla on the side. Now you can use this tortilla to either eat on the side as bread, or put some of the rice bowl ingredients on it. This is totally your own discretion. If you are a female it is crucial that you ask the male Chilpote worker for the tortilla. If you are a male, you ask the female Chilpote worker. And if you are ugly, just flip a coin.

Moving on, many people are asking me my thoughts on the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston break-up. Well, lets start off by saying both these people appear to be extremely good looking, so they will have no trouble finding anybody else. So people, lets stop with this whining over there split. To all those rumors that the reason Brad split from Jen is because he wanted a baby, but Jen did not want one is complete bull. Brad Pitt could give a rat’s ass if he has a kid or not. I’ll fill you in on what happened. One day Brad Pitt woke up and realized he was Brad Pitt. He realized that he was filming a movie with Angelina Jolie, and that he could get her (probably aleady did) and anybody else he wants. Hell, he could probably even get me if he tried hard enough. He realized that his wife Jennifer, 34, is not getting any younger. Hence, is why the split happened. Don't get me wrong, Jennifer Anniston is an amazing looking woman. I would probably give my left arm to be a in the same room as that woman. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit here, I would give my right arm since I’m a lefty. Get your head out of the gutter, I know what you are thinking.

WARNING:To all you non-sport fans, this last rant will bore the crap out of you.

How about my Chicago Bulls? Have you seen how they are playing? They have won five in a row and have one of the best records in the NBA for January. Most of the credit has to go to Coach Scott Skiles and GM John Paxson. Skiles has done an amazing job coaching this team and has actually taught them how to play defense. John Paxson has gotten rid of all that crap on all that team and brought in people who actually want to play hard-nosed basketball. Jalen Rose, Jamal Crawford, Eddie Robinson, Marcus Fizer have all gone bye-bye. He has made three superb draft picks in Kirk Hinrich(reminds me of John Stockon), Ben Gordon (the guy can score!), and Luol Deng(never stops moving). And finally Eddy Curry (contract year) is playing like how people imagined he could. This team has a young nucleus and will only get better. The Eastern Conference is so bad, I think they have a chance to be the 4th of 5th seed by the end of the season. You heard it here first folks.

Alright I’m Out!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Can you spare a square? I can!

So I head over to Target the other day. The main reason I went there is to get the microwavable Campbell's Soup bowls. I usually eat 3 or 4 of these at work on a weekly basis. I go for the chicken noodle ones or chicken & pasta. I am a not a big fan of the beef or steak ones. The microwavable soups really save me. Around 12:00 is usually our lunch time, but at around 10a-11a I am just starving. And the soup does its best to hold me over till lunch. It is also not that fattening either, which is good when you have the eating capacity of a manatee(A big fat 1,000 pound mammal that lives under water.) The grocery stores around the city sell these soups at high prices, but Target prices them a lot cheaper. So I walk in to Target and of course they were cleaned out, nowhere to be seen. But fortunately there were some other things I needed to get. One of those items was toilet paper. Yes people, the big secret is out! Jonno does go #2. I apologize to all of my fans who thought differently. Now the question is, when the hell did Target turn into Sam's Club? Because all the toilet paper I saw was being sold in these huge mega 24-36 packs. I don't know about you, but whenever I see people wheeling around these huge packs of toilet paper, I always notice it and chuckle a little to myself. I know its immature, but I can't help it. So there was no way I was carrying a 36-pack toilet paper. The smallest I could find was a 12-pack and it still seemed a little to much for me. I just figured to myself, "What the hell? Who am I trying to impress?" Its not like I'll find Salma Hayek strolling around here. So I toughed it up and got the damn toilet paper. Oh and by the way, I did catch some kids staring at me and my 12-pack.

So after work, I headed back to my apartment building. One of negatives of living in an apartment building is that whatever you bring back people see. The doorman, people in the lobby, or even people in the elevator. Its not like I'm smuggling midgets or anything, but I like to have some privacy. I take the big thing of toilet paper out of my car. Of course its not in a bag because it's too damn big! I mean I might as well have a sign on my back that reads "Look everybody, I can poop!" I walk into my building and instantly get a few stares. But now its time for the awkward elevator ride. I step in the elevator, ready to go up, and there I see an attractive girl in the elevator.(Worst-case scenario!) So Schmuko(me!) comes stumbling in the elevator with my over-sized pack of toilet paper. And I don't think she was impressed. You knowI don't blame here. If I saw a decent looking girl hauling an obscene amount of toilet paper, I would be like "What the hell also?" So I totally understand her reaction. The thing I dont understand is, why could it of been one of the sixty-year-old ladies in the elevator? We have plenty of those in my building. If that was the case, I would not of given a rat's ass. Heck, I might of even offered the older lady a roll or two. But I guess moments like these are what makes the "Awkward Chronicles" so special.

I'm pooped out! (Hah-Hah) Get it??? Okay I'll stop.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Missing calzones, cleavage, locked out, and no taxis

I truly hope everyone had a fabulous, phenomenal New Year's Eve. (Honestly, I could give a rat's ass how it went.) But, I'll just say it to be nice.

As I walk down the street, waddle to the grocery store, pump gas, or even volunteer at the soup kitchen.(okay maybe an exaggeration) Everyone wants to know, "Hey Jonno, how did your New Year's Eve go? Settle down, I 'll tell ya. I had a good time alright. It was great to hang out with some of my good friends that I do not get to see that often. I know at least some of you are thinking, "Hey Jonno, you have friends????" Well, good question. I mean they know my name and sometimes hang out with me. But hey, who the hell knows? Maybe it's like "The Truman Show" where they are paid actors to like me. Anyways, let's move on.

So we went to this bar in Wrigleyville for a party. It was all you can drink from 8-2 for $85. So I stragetically found a spot right in front of the bar. I knew as time went on this spot would be valuable property, so it was crucial that I did not lose it. I ordered my first kettle one & tonic and chatted with some people.

As I glanced to the right, my fat kid alarm went off. I saw one of the bar tenders putting out food in the corner. I knew there would be food at the party, but I was curious as to what the food would be. At the same time, you don't want to be the first fatso who gets the food and everyone notices it and ask questions. "What is that? Where did you get that from? Is it good? That looks good. You must be hungry." To avoid all these annoyances I waited for some other people to get some food and then made my move. As I waddled over to the table I saw a nice spread of different kinds of calzones. They had "The works, itailain beef, sausage, chicken parmsean, poor boy, and vegetarian. I chose the chicken parmesean calzone and was very pleased with the results. So I'm eating my calzone and talking. I then realized I was not paying enough attention to my beverage. So put my plate down on the bar and drank a little bit. As I turned back around to reunite with my calzone, it was gone. I mean it was only like 2 minutes that I left it alone. I don't know if somebody else ate it, or the bartender threw it away. Whatever the case was, I was not pleased. I mean it took a lot of work to walk through the crowds of people, get the calozne, walk back through the crowds of people, and then try to regain my strategic position at the bar. If the person who ate my chicken parmesean calzone is reading this right now, all I can say is that you are not a good person. Eventually, I did make it back to the calzone table and tried the poor boy. And it was not as good as my lost chicken parmesean calzone.

Alright I am far from a pervert, and please nobody take this the wrong way. But what the heck was with all the cleavage coming out at me at all angles. In front of me the bartender was showing it, then to the right of me I got major cleavage staring at me, and then to my left it was peeking at me. As Seinfeld once said, " Cleavage is very similar to the sun. You take a peek, and then you got to look away." Ladies, I am very happy for you that you are well endowed, but enough of the teasing. I can only take so much.

When you are standing in the same position for a while, you really have no idea how much alcohol you've hand until you walk around. I headed over to the restroom to urinate and saw a line. There were only three bathrooms and two of them were for the females. The men's bathroom only had a one urnel and one toilet. So after standing in line for a while, and figuring that whoever was in the bathroom was not coming out. I brainstormed some other ideas. I looked around and saw an exit door. I thought I remembered seeing people coming in through the exit door, as I was waiting in line. I then preceded to walk through the exit door and take care of business. I then tried to get back in through the door, but it was locked. I thought to myself, "This can't be good." Then I figured, maybe I can go back through the front. No dice, I was fenced in. I then decided to go for the "repeated panic knock" and banged on the door. A few moments later, one of the bartenders opened the door. He was not pleased with me. He asked me what I was doing out there, and I flat out told him. I think he was going to kick me out. After some desperate apologizing on my part, he let me back in. But boy, that was a close one. Looking back, I should of told him that I had to make a phone call and it was too loud inside. That would of sounded better. But I can never be that spontaneously slick. (Read "Schmucko's Big Debut" blog if you need evidence.)

As the night wound down, it was time to head out . After getting through the circus that was outside, myself and two of my buddies Nick(on a sidenote, had some fantastic banter with the bartender) and Drew needed to find a cab. I vaguely remember there being some other people walking with us. After seeing how many people were waiting for a cab, I thought it would be a good idea to walk a little bit and get away from the crowds. About ten minutes later, we were able to find a cab. I don't how, but we did. The people that were walking with us were gone. So the three of us got in the cab. After a night of drinking, and without company, there was only one thing left on our minds: FOOD. In the cab, Nick started to hassle the cab driver if he knew any places, where we could get any food. Because the cab driver did not know much English, we did not get any results. So as we passed by a hot dog stand, the fat kid alarm went off again and I told the cab driver to stop here. I knew in the back of my mind this would be a mistake, since it was so difficult to find this cab. But at this point, food was more important. So we went in and got some food to go.

I don't remember what street we were on, but I made the executive decision to walk until we could get a cab. Every cab that would go by, was occupied. After about five cabs, I knew we were in trouble. Oh and it was extremely cold outside, and none of us had coats on. We decided to then eat the food as we walked. I remember my hot dog tasting very good. Every cab that went by I would hold up my arm, even though I knew it was taken. It was really a helpless feeling, to be freezing cold and not being able to find a vacant cab. It never crossed my drunken brain to maybe walk down a different street. That probably would of been a decent idea. As we were walking, there was this guy wearing a white t-shirt, spazzing out, and trying to pick fights. Being frustrated about freezing and not finding a cab, I don't remember what, but I said something to the guy. Not really realizing that this guy could easily unload on me and beat my ass. Nick also starting saying stuff to the white shirt guy. But fortunately, Drew had enough sense to tell us to walk away. We continued to walk and still no vacant cabs. Honestly, I had no idea where we were, but I just knew what direction we had to walk. After maybe 20-30 minutes, we finally found a cab and called it a night.

Wow! I'm out!