Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Finding Love at the Coffee Bean

Throughout our history bars, clubs, parties and other social spots have been the typical places to pick-up on women. Another place you can now add to that list is the Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. Why you may ask?   

The other day I was working on some writing at this establishment. To my right I noticed this Israeli gentleman with a thick accent hitting on these two WASPy women who were taking a coffee break from their catering gig. Given that I have the tendency to be a bit nosy like a Yenta, I took off my headphones to watch this gentleman work his magic. 

Jonno at the Coffee Bean

To my dismay it was more painful to watch than it was enjoyable. The girls did not seem overly responsive to his random questions. One of the girls at least acknowledged his existence so he began to focus on her. As she was getting ready to leave he asked for her digits, but she asked for his number instead. In other words, the Israeli gentleman will never hear from this girl again.

Despite the rejection, I was in awe of his persistence and dedication. Twenty minutes later I noticed him chatting it up with a blonde outside on the patio. I knew at that moment, I had to introduce myself and learn this man’s life story. Unfortunately, since I have a penis he refused to talk to me.

A few days ago at the same Coffee Bean, I witnessed a similar interaction that blew my mind. It was so good that I decided to transcribe it for you in screenplay format.           


An ATTRACTIVE GIRL, early 20s, puts sugar into her coffee. A PREPPY DUDE, late 30s, walks up to her and makes a little small talk. They share a laugh.

PREPPY DUDE: So what brings you here?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh, I’m just meeting with a friend of mine.

PREPPY DUDE: That’s cool. Very cool.

Awkward silence.

PREPPY DUDE: You know you should come to this party I’m having this weekend. It’s actually a charity party. (Question: Do charity parties even exist?)  


PREPPY DUDE: Here, I’ll give you my number and you can text me yours back. 

Preppy Dude forcefully tells the girl his digits as she types it into her phone.

PREPPY DUDE: Cool. It should definitely be a good time.


PREPPY DUDE: By the way, how old are you?


Preppy Dude’s calm look turns to shock.

PREPPY DUDE: Oh God, don’t call me. Yeah really, don’t call me.    

Preppy Dude embarrassingly walks away, while Jonno bursts out in laughter. 


You know what time it is? I think you know... Because it's time for a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I find it alarming that our country’s biggest issue is being ignored in these presidential debates… How to stop our parents from joining social media sites.  

2. Speaking of these debates, does the fact that I still own a trapper keeper of grade school female crushes make me a viable candidate for the 2016 presidential election?

3. Ben Affleck did such an outstanding job with “Argo” I feel I owe it to him to sit through “Gigli."

4. My favorite part of Taylor’s Swift’s new song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is that it reinforces I still have a chance with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So you're saying there's a chance...
5. Whenever I fly Virgin Airlines, I feel like I've just been cast in a 70s porn film.   

6. If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to trick her into thinking that's after she turns 17 her age stays the same for rest of her life.


Monday, October 08, 2012

When Jonno Met Kimmel

Recently the lady and I attended a foodie charity function at Culver Studios. The event featured some of the top chefs in the country and was for a great cause, Alexs Lemonade Stand.  When I first heard about the ticket price for the event, I practically fainted. Then I read a little more about it and saw that my idol Jimmy Kimmel was the emcee for the festivities. I rationalized the price and told myself it would ultimately benefit both of us from a networking perspective and if money was an issue I could always go back to stripping on the weekends. (I just hope the Jewish retirement home will take me back after the last incident.)  

At the event I saw Kimmel right away and his producer friend. Ironically, I was interviewing with his producer friend the following week. Bonus! I waddled up to his friend and quickly introduced myself. I then gave them their space because I was hopeful there would be another opportunity with Kimmel later in the day. 

The food at the event was phenomenal. The best part was that you didn’t have to wait in long lines for the tastings. At the same time maybe this wasn’t such a good thing, because after 45 minutes of stuffing my face in the heat, I felt extremely sick. To read more about the scrumptious food at the event, check out my lady’s blog here.

The item that put me over the top was “Top Chef “season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio’s dish. He made a breaded chicken dish served in oyster shells on top of a bed of salt rocks. When I took a bite some of the salt rocks stuck to the chicken. Being the idiot that I am, I figured the salt rocks were part of the dish and ate two of them. Remember doing beer bongs in college? Well I felt like I had just done a salt water bong and immediately turned green and thought I was going to vomit. Fortunately, my inner fat kid called me a "puss" and I powered through by eating a fried chicken leg and some desserts.

Some of the other celebs at the event were Laura Dern, Jason Ritter, Lena Dunham, Allison Williams (Brian William’s daughter), Timothy Olyphant, Phil Rosenthal (Creator of “Every Loves Raymond”), Jim O’Heir (Jerry from “Parks and Recreation”), Harold Perrineau (Michael from “Lost”) and musician Michelle Branch. I chatted with Jason Ritter a little bit and he was an extremely down-to-earth guy and Jim O’Heir could not have been friendlier or sweatier.

When I spoke with Lena Dunham, I attempted to impress her with my witty sense of humor.

Jonno awkwardly taps Lena Dunham on the shoulder.

Jonno: I just have to say as a 31-year-old Jewish male, I can’t thank you enough for empowering women and helping them embrace their sexuality.

Crickets. Lena Dunham stares at Jonno blankly.

Lena Dunham: Oh, thanks.

Despite bombing horribly in front of her, she was still gracious enough to take a picture with me.

Promoting getting peed on in the shower awareness

Later in the day, I saw my opportunity to chat with the one and only, Jimmy Kimmel. After I introduced myself, I said something overly cliché to him about being a fan. He was able to recognize me right away from earlier in the morning and started laughing.

“You better run for the hills” said Kimmel. “Run as far away possible.”

Kimmel was referring to his producer friend, who I guess has the reputation of being a little demanding. I can’t remember exactly what I replied because it was such a surreal experience. I watch Kimmel every night on television and here I was sharing a laugh with him. The best part about him is that he has the same charismatic personality that he displays on television. Unbeknownst to me the lady was wise enough to take the perfect action shot as I was talking to him.

Love at first sight

Despite the ridiculously priced ticket, the scorching heat, and that fact that I almost overdosed on salt, I am extremely pleased to have attended the event and am looking forward to heading back next year. Now if I can only figure out how to deal with the restraining order Kimmel has against me... 

Do you smell what I smell? Oh yeah, it’s a 6-piece McNugget:
1. I don’t know if you heard the news already, but I have been cast to star opposite Larry David in “Looper 2: Oy! How dare you double-dip my chip!”

2. Speaking of Seinfeld, I recently saw Jason Alexander when he hosted an event at the Hollywood Bowl and was very upset to see this…

George Costanza having hair is equivalent to Bill Cosby changing his pigment to become white.

3. I'm beginning to question my masculinity after I walked by a squirrel the other day and it didn't run away or even flinch. All it did was laugh and throw a pine cone at me.

4. The second my parents tell me they have their own web series, I'm going to drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise style. 

5. I’m really bummed about how my lemonade stand is struggling. Apparently nobody wants to buy the goods from a 31-year-old male who isn’t wearing pants.

6. Can we please stop with the horribly scary movie trailers whenever I see a rated-R film in the theaters? The price of the ticket is expensive enough, so the last thing I need to do is buy new pants after soiling myself. (See the above nugget for more proof).