Monday, April 27, 2009

Edward Retardo-Hands

When you're like me, and your dream is to become a nude model, you must take excellent care of your body. Given this burning desire of mine, I went for my usual jog along the lakefront path the other day. Typically I run a marathon or two before I get into work, but today was my easy day and I was just going for a short two mile jog.

I know I've reached my halfway point, when I pass by this scrumptious little green snack shack (Mmmm) and then I go up about 5 or 6 steps and turn around. So, I had reached this halfway point, gone up the steps, and then something happened. I don't know what exactly, but I tripped over something - this could have been a large crack in the sidewalk, a banana peel, my own foot, or even a midget ghost... I don't really know. Somehow this trip felt like an eternity. For a few seconds there I thought I was going to catch my balance. I did one of those, "Woah, Woah, Woah, Woaaaaaah" with my arms flailing around and I did almost stop myself from falling. Now, I'm no physics major, but apparently too much weight was going forward and there was no stopping this ship from sinking. I knew at this point I was going to fall and there was just nothing I could do, but accept it. To brace my fall, I stuck out my hands so that my natural, gorgeous face would not hit the pavement The harsh surface of the sidewalk cut open and tore off the skin on the palms of both my hands. In my opinion the worst part was not the blood oozing like a waterfall, but more the fact that this incident occurred during the morning rush hour as in front of 30-40 cars drove down Lake Shore Drive (one of Chicago’s busiest streets). To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't cause a few accidents. Given the Technological Age we live in, I'm sure if you were to go on YouTube and type in "Clumsy Douche Falls" you might find a video of this tumble.

So, after I fell and cut both of my hands open, I knew I had only two choices. I could (A) walk home and take care of my bleeding hands, or I could (B) keep my nude modeling dream alive and finish the arduous run. Any guesses what I did? That's right folks, I kept going. As, I was jogging back I noticed this middle-aged guy on his bike going the opposite direction. It was apparent to me, that this gentleman witnessed my fall. So as he passes me, he lurches his head forward and stares at me with his mouth dropped open. I was ready to say to numb nuts: "What the fuck are you looking at?" But, I'm of course too much of a wuss to do anything like that. Now numb nuts totally handled the situation wrong. When you see somebody fall you have two choices. You can either (A) politely ask, "Are you okay?" or you can (B) do the preferred option and just go by like nothing ever happened. You don't friggin stare at someone like they’ve got two heads and a unicorn shoved up their ass (I'm not sure why I chose a unicorn, but just go with it.). As I was running back home, my bloody palms made me feel insecure. I didn't want other people to think I was some psychotic mass murderer or just some weird dude with blood on his hands, so I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and ran back home.

After cleaning up my hands, I put Band-Aids on my palms to cover the wounds. Of course these had to be on the most awkward spots on my hands where it was virtually impossible to get the band-aids to stick. It could also be because I have the motor skills of a 4-year-old, but damn those Band-Aids were hard to get on. Anyways, so I'm at work, and of course I'm a little self-conscious because I have Band-Aids plastered all over my hands. Now I've been at my job for 3 months, and I've probably shaken one or two hands with other members of the company (and those handshakes occurred on my first day). Now, if I was an odds maker, I would say the chances were extremely slim that I would have to shake any body's hand, but given that this is the Awkward Chronicles, pretty much anything is possible. And sure enough it is. This sales guy decides to peruse by my cube, for God knows what reason. He looks at me and says, "I don't think I've met you before." Now I'm thinking, "That’s right buddy and let's keep it that way." He of course does the unthinkable and sticks out his hand for me to shake. I thought for a second about punching him in the balls and running way, but then it occurred to me that would not be very professional. So, with no other choice, I awkwardly stuck out my bandaged hand and gave him the worst handshakes known to mankind. This “handshake” if you will, consisted of him shaking my pinky. After he felt the bandages on my hand, he gave me a strange look and quickly walked away. Fortunately, nobody else decided to introduce themselves to me for the rest of the day. I'm sure this sales guy sent out a memo warning everyone to stay away from Edward Retardo-Hands.

If you take anything away from this entry, I hope it’s not only for you to realize my determination to become a professional nude model, but for you to follow your dreams as well. Because, even if there are obstacles (such as falling face first along Lake Shore Drive, tearing the flesh off your hands, having numb nuts annoyingly stare at you, and giving one of the most awkward handshakes in your life), you have to accept those hardships and realize that's all part of the journey.

I'm Out!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Shared Water Bottles, Passover and Jay Cutler

I'm playing in another basketball league. Why you may ask? Because I hate to waste this extraordinary abundance of talent. I mean its like Michael Jordan deciding to become a professional hot dog contest eater rather than playing basketball. Although have you seen MJ lately? I think he could give a Kobayashi a run for his money. Anyways... I'm playing my first game and of course I'm out of breath and sweating bullets. It's been a good 6 to 8 week lay-off since my last game. I had brought a water bottle from home and I was sucking down that thing like no other. Like a baby does to his bottle or his mother's... (Okay I'll stop) After just re-filling this bottle and about half-done, I notice a price sticker on the bottle. I thought to myself, "How's that? I brought the bottle from home." Very slowly like a retarded Sherlock Holmes, I realized that this was not my water bottle. So I did one of those, yuck screams and threw the bottle down in a panic frenzy. I have no idea whose bottle that actually was. I'm not an overly religious man, but I'm beginning to think God is trying to tell me I don't belong on the basketball court.

Other McNuggets...(I just got turned on and had an accident in my pants. Sorry, the next nugget will explain.)

-Currently I'm in the 6th day of a Jewish holiday called Passover. Frankly Passover really F's me over. Get that? It rhymes. (I should be a rapper) Anyways, basically I can't eat anything with yeast for a week. Which consists of bread, pasta, rice, cereal etc... So I'm pretty much just left with salad, eggs, fruits/veggies, and matzah. None of those things are appealing to a fat kid. Especially the President of the Fat Kid Club. So all my friends who complain about Lent, give me a break! I would take Lent over Passover any day of the week. I mean come on, how hard is it really to give up chocolate or pop for 6 weeks? Oh and you can't eat meat on Fridays... That's so tough, I can't imagine having to eat a large deep dish cheese pizza instead. If any non-Jewish people out there, want to trade holidays next year... Please, let me know. Cause I'm ready! And I have 10 boxes of matzah and 3 jars of gefilte fish to prove it.

-I understand facebook has it perks. You get to re-connect with old friends and share pictures with each other, and maybe even date or network. But lately, I feel like some facebook users are kind of being a little selfish here. And its kind of ticking me off. Stop with the 20 status updates a day. You are taking up my whole page! Myself and nobody else gives two shits, if you're tired from work, are going to watch "Lost", or took a quiz on what animal you would like to have sex with. People, if you want to leave a status update I'm fine with that. But do everybody a favor and please limit it to one or two times a day. I know after I finish this blog entry, I'm going to shamefully plug it on my facebook status. But I promise, that's all you're hear from me.

-So I park in this garage that is a block away from where I live. And in order to get in/out of the garage I have to go through an alley. Let me just say, that I'm not the biggest fan of this garage. I have the smallest parking spot known to mankind. I have to squeeze my car between two columns. So I literally have a few inches of room for error. And given my Jeff Gordon driving skills, I've already scratched my car twice. Anyways, this abandoned alley has to be one of the most exciting alleys in the world. I think if I were to open up the Guinness Book of World Records of most popular alleys, there might be a picture of it in there. There is always something going on in this alley. People walking, hanging out, or doing whatever... There is always some type of activity that blocks me from getting into/out of the garage. The other day I was waiting in my car, in the infamous alley for my GF, who was getting a cup of coffee down the street. While I'm waiting in the alley, I saw more traffic in five minutes than happens on Lake Shore Drive. A cab decides to drive through and drop people off, a homeless woman knocks on my window for change, group of kids walk by, a creepy dude decides to follow my GF into the alley (Fortunately I was there waiting for her)... I mean what's next? A midget orgy, fireworks, and an Osama Bin Laden sighting? Good God!

-The other night I had a dream I was sticking my head in a fridge and gorging myself with endless and endless amounts of candy corn. Why was it candy corn? I don't know. Why was the candy corn in a fridge? I don't know that either. Actually come to think of it, I bet you candy corn would taste good if it was refrigerated. Hold on to your seat belts everybody, I'm going to experiment this and get back to you with the results in my next blog. I can feel the excitement!

-Since my last blog, the Bears made a monumental move by trading for the one and only Jay Cutler. I am totally shocked and still am as we speak. I never thought in a million years the Bears would make a gutsy move like that. It's just not in their nature. I know they gave up a lot to get him and the Broncos are going to get some good players with the 1st round picks. But lets face it, it was something that had to be done. It's no guarantee that Cutler will bring a Super Bowl Ring to Chicago, but I at least appreciate the effort made by the organization. But if we are somehow fortunate enough to win a Super Bowl, can we please do it by 2016? Because I'm getting my ass out of here before the Olympics come. That is going to be one big mess. Yeesh!

-Have you seen the trailer for "Obsessed"? Starring the all-star cast of Ali Larter(the chick from Varsity Blues) Beyonce, and Idris Elba(I have no f'in clue). This has the potential to be one of the worst movies of all time. The last trailer I can remember being this bad, was for "Lakeview Terrace". Well I did some awkward investigative research and ironically I found out that the same writer wrote both movies. His name is David Loughery. David, congratulations, on having such a successful writing career with absolutely no talent.

I'm Out!