Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Shared Water Bottles, Passover and Jay Cutler

I'm playing in another basketball league. Why you may ask? Because I hate to waste this extraordinary abundance of talent. I mean its like Michael Jordan deciding to become a professional hot dog contest eater rather than playing basketball. Although have you seen MJ lately? I think he could give a Kobayashi a run for his money. Anyways... I'm playing my first game and of course I'm out of breath and sweating bullets. It's been a good 6 to 8 week lay-off since my last game. I had brought a water bottle from home and I was sucking down that thing like no other. Like a baby does to his bottle or his mother's... (Okay I'll stop) After just re-filling this bottle and about half-done, I notice a price sticker on the bottle. I thought to myself, "How's that? I brought the bottle from home." Very slowly like a retarded Sherlock Holmes, I realized that this was not my water bottle. So I did one of those, yuck screams and threw the bottle down in a panic frenzy. I have no idea whose bottle that actually was. I'm not an overly religious man, but I'm beginning to think God is trying to tell me I don't belong on the basketball court.

Other McNuggets...(I just got turned on and had an accident in my pants. Sorry, the next nugget will explain.)

-Currently I'm in the 6th day of a Jewish holiday called Passover. Frankly Passover really F's me over. Get that? It rhymes. (I should be a rapper) Anyways, basically I can't eat anything with yeast for a week. Which consists of bread, pasta, rice, cereal etc... So I'm pretty much just left with salad, eggs, fruits/veggies, and matzah. None of those things are appealing to a fat kid. Especially the President of the Fat Kid Club. So all my friends who complain about Lent, give me a break! I would take Lent over Passover any day of the week. I mean come on, how hard is it really to give up chocolate or pop for 6 weeks? Oh and you can't eat meat on Fridays... That's so tough, I can't imagine having to eat a large deep dish cheese pizza instead. If any non-Jewish people out there, want to trade holidays next year... Please, let me know. Cause I'm ready! And I have 10 boxes of matzah and 3 jars of gefilte fish to prove it.

-I understand facebook has it perks. You get to re-connect with old friends and share pictures with each other, and maybe even date or network. But lately, I feel like some facebook users are kind of being a little selfish here. And its kind of ticking me off. Stop with the 20 status updates a day. You are taking up my whole page! Myself and nobody else gives two shits, if you're tired from work, are going to watch "Lost", or took a quiz on what animal you would like to have sex with. People, if you want to leave a status update I'm fine with that. But do everybody a favor and please limit it to one or two times a day. I know after I finish this blog entry, I'm going to shamefully plug it on my facebook status. But I promise, that's all you're hear from me.

-So I park in this garage that is a block away from where I live. And in order to get in/out of the garage I have to go through an alley. Let me just say, that I'm not the biggest fan of this garage. I have the smallest parking spot known to mankind. I have to squeeze my car between two columns. So I literally have a few inches of room for error. And given my Jeff Gordon driving skills, I've already scratched my car twice. Anyways, this abandoned alley has to be one of the most exciting alleys in the world. I think if I were to open up the Guinness Book of World Records of most popular alleys, there might be a picture of it in there. There is always something going on in this alley. People walking, hanging out, or doing whatever... There is always some type of activity that blocks me from getting into/out of the garage. The other day I was waiting in my car, in the infamous alley for my GF, who was getting a cup of coffee down the street. While I'm waiting in the alley, I saw more traffic in five minutes than happens on Lake Shore Drive. A cab decides to drive through and drop people off, a homeless woman knocks on my window for change, group of kids walk by, a creepy dude decides to follow my GF into the alley (Fortunately I was there waiting for her)... I mean what's next? A midget orgy, fireworks, and an Osama Bin Laden sighting? Good God!

-The other night I had a dream I was sticking my head in a fridge and gorging myself with endless and endless amounts of candy corn. Why was it candy corn? I don't know. Why was the candy corn in a fridge? I don't know that either. Actually come to think of it, I bet you candy corn would taste good if it was refrigerated. Hold on to your seat belts everybody, I'm going to experiment this and get back to you with the results in my next blog. I can feel the excitement!

-Since my last blog, the Bears made a monumental move by trading for the one and only Jay Cutler. I am totally shocked and still am as we speak. I never thought in a million years the Bears would make a gutsy move like that. It's just not in their nature. I know they gave up a lot to get him and the Broncos are going to get some good players with the 1st round picks. But lets face it, it was something that had to be done. It's no guarantee that Cutler will bring a Super Bowl Ring to Chicago, but I at least appreciate the effort made by the organization. But if we are somehow fortunate enough to win a Super Bowl, can we please do it by 2016? Because I'm getting my ass out of here before the Olympics come. That is going to be one big mess. Yeesh!

-Have you seen the trailer for "Obsessed"? Starring the all-star cast of Ali Larter(the chick from Varsity Blues) Beyonce, and Idris Elba(I have no f'in clue). This has the potential to be one of the worst movies of all time. The last trailer I can remember being this bad, was for "Lakeview Terrace". Well I did some awkward investigative research and ironically I found out that the same writer wrote both movies. His name is David Loughery. David, congratulations, on having such a successful writing career with absolutely no talent.

I'm Out!


Robyn said...

I have to say each and everyone of your mcnuggets was funny and had me laughing out loud!

LB said...

Yum, I want refrigerated candy corn too! I really enjoy munching on your mcnuggets.