Monday, March 30, 2009

Douchebaggery, Sweet Home Chicago, and Big Macs

You would think going out to breakfast on a Sat. morning @ 9:30 you would be in the clear of any douchebaggery, unfortunately that was not the case this past weekend for your friend Jonno. I was standing in line at nice cafeteria located within a grocery store – your order your food with the cashier and another server brings the food out to your table. Well, there were these two dudes (late 20's) in suits in line in front of me. I'm not really paying attention to them, because I'm engrossed with the menu and trying to figure out what I should feed my fat kid Robert with. After I make my decision (Cobb Omelet), I realize that the two douches are holding up the line. I turn around and I see a good six or seven people behind us. First of all, anytime you see two young guys in suits early on a Saturday morning, you know it’s not going to be good for business. There was a guy in between me and the two douches, and he politely asks them if they are in line to order. One of the douches turns around and says in a sarcastic and rude tone "It will just be a minute. Okay?" And I'm thinking in my head, "Here we go!" Finally, they walk up to the register to order and they start joking around with the cashier. I turn around and see there are about 10 people in line now, and these two idiots, don't even care that they are holding up this line. Finally, after about five minutes of banter with the cashier, they order and leave. Good riddance right? Not so fast.

We were meeting my GF's parents for breakfast and they had gotten there before us and already had a table. I walk over to them and of course her parents are sitting at a table right in front of the two douches. It turns out the two douches have been there for quite a while and were on their 2nd bottle of wine (yes, at 9:30 in the morning!) The douches are sitting with some woman in a business suit, but I don't think I heard a peep out of her. The douches were having an intense conversation and just dropping F-bombs and obscenities left and right. I don't know exactly what their conversation was about, but for a few minutes I felt like I was part of the movie "Boiler Room". I then hear one of the guys ask if they should get a third bottle of wine. At this point, I'm thinking I better get the hell out of here before I get a bottle smashed on my head, because this is only going to get uglier. We finished our breakfast and head out down the stairs to exit. All of us, were talking about how crazy the Douches were. And of course walking up the stairs passed us was Douche #1. Can you say awkward? We then go outside and walk down the street. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy running full speed in the middle of street dodging cars. And of course it is Douchebag #2. I have no idea what the hell he was doing or where he was going, but it felt like no matter where we went, we could not get away from them. Of course about an hour later we walk past the window of the cafĂ© and who’s still sitting there probably drink bottle #5? Yep, you guessed it – the douches. They probably sat there all day annoying innocent people like me with their douchebaggery.

I hope all of you learn a lesson from this and realize that douchebaggery is a serious subject that cannot be taken lightly. It us up to all of us to inform our youth about the severe dangers of douchebaggery. The next time you see your young child, get frosted hair tips; pop up his collar; wear a suit on Saturday when it is not for a funeral, wedding, meeting or bar mitzvah; tan five days a week’ wear a fedora hat; or just act like a complete jackasss in general, please get him counseling… immediately.

Other McNuggets (Btw, what's the most McNuggets you've ever eaten? I've put down a 20 piece before. If you want to have a contest, please let me know.)

-I cannot stand it when I get a foot long from Subway and the sandwich is not cut in half fully. I don't know why they would cut 3/4 of it and not the whole thing, because what happens is that I have to tear the friggin sandwich on my own and then it all falls apart in a big mess. I don't know about you, but it’s not like I have this gigantic sandwich knife that I can just pull out of my desk drawer at work. And if I did, that would just be kind of creepy.

-I think a law should be passed that if you are jogging outside and the people walking taking up the entire pathway in front of you are too dumb to realize that they should move out of your way, you should then just be allowed to push them out of your way. And since I am person of equality, it shouldn't matter if it’s a small child or an elderly lady. Everybody is fair game to get knocked out. Who's with me?

-I was waddling to work the other day, and since this is Chicago, I of course had some random dude come up to me. He says "Excuse Me! Excuse Me!" Given that I was running late for work, I unfortunately could not take time to help this man with solving world issues like the economy, terrorism, and global warming... So instead of being a jerk-off, I said "Sorry" and just kept on walking. He then replied "Sorry because I'm black!" Everybody please sing it with me... Ready one, two, three... "To the Same Old Place, sweet home Chicago".

-Speaking of this wonderful city, there is nothing better than at the end of March walking in a few inches of wet, slushy snow, and then getting pelted in the head from these heavy ass snowballs falling from the trees. All I needed was somebody to give me a wedgie and a punch in the balls and I would have been officially in hell.

-Is it wrong that when I saw the new trailer for the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge that I jumped off the couch, pumped my fist in the air, and screamed on the top of my lungs with joy? My gut instinct tells me yes.

-I finally saw "Milk" and the movie was decent. But after seeing Sean Penn jam his tongue down James Franco's throat, I was easily convinced he deserved the Oscar for Best Male Actor. Sorry Mickey Rourke, but kissing Maris Tomei ain't the same thing. Nice comeback though.

-I am convinced that Jay Leno has to be one of the worst TV personalities in history. I was dumb enough to stay up and watch his interview with President Obama. A friggin mute chimp could have done a better job interviewing our President. I think Obama's Special Olympic comment was done purposely not to offend anybody, but to keep the audience out of a coma.

-When the Chicago Bulls score over 100 points and win a game at home, everybody in the stands gets a free Big Mac. Well this past week, the Bulls had an important game against the Pistons. They ended up winning the game 99-91. Kirk Hinrich, who had a phenomenal game, missed a free throw that would have given them 100 points and everyone a free Big Mac. At the end of the game, fans booed loudly and even personally at Hinrich, who pretty much was the reason they won. I have an idea, instead of shooting T-Shirts out of that blasting gun device into the stands, I say we shoot piles of monkey feces at all of those idiotic obese fans. That should shut them up.

I'm Out!

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