Monday, March 16, 2009

Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston

I was walking to work the other day, listening to the Jonas Brothers on my ipod (don't judge - I can't control what comes on the shuffle) and there was a crazy amount of street construction going on. I was kind of zoning out in my own world (this usually consists of my dreaming of rainbow sprinkles, Muppets, and breasts). I attempted to cross the street, but it was blocked off with yellow tape. One would think the yellow tape would be a sign to an individual, "Hey Dumbass, don't walk this way", but being the rebel that I am, I kept walking ahead. I figured I could just step over the yellow tape or do an awkward limbo underneath it, but right as I was approaching the yellow tape head on, like a mean, angry bull.... My left foot sinks down into the ground, like quicksand. My foot had to go into the cement substance at least a good 3 feet. Yeah, this cement substance had apparently not dried yet. I lift my foot out of the gook and it is completely smothered in cement. And of course with my luck, I had to be wearing my 7 Jeans, which happen to be the most expensive jeans that I own. I'm sure many of you are wondering why a schlub such as myself would be wearing designer jeans. And that is a valid question-- I wake up many mornings wondering the same thing. But, back to the story – so, I take my left leg out of the cement. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I quickly turn around to see if anybody witnessed this disaster and I of course I see a few people snickering. Fuckers! I debated going back home and changing, but I was already running late as it was. So I decided to just plunge ahead. I really did feel like jackass walking down the street with one leg drenched in cement. I felt like a version of the comic book villain Two Face, except my name would be Two Foot. Or would it be Two Feet? I'm not sure, but you get the idea. Even though I endured much public embarrassment and humiliation from my incident, I feel like a hero in some ways. Because from my misfortunes, I can now protect and spread the awareness to rest of America and our children from the dangers of Yellow Construction Tape.

Other Chicken McNuggets.....

-The best part of St. Patricks Day is not the parades and the all day drunkenness... It's the fact that you know McDonalds is now offering the shamrock shake.

-I was on the bus coming back from the Bulls game and there was a Haitian male in his late 40's sitting by himself. As I was attempting to talk to my GF, I kept seeing the Haitian male smiling and giggling at me out of the corner of my eye. I did my best to ignore him, but I could not help myself from occasionally glancing at him. Every time I looked at him he would be smiling at me. It felt like this was a game you play with a two-year-old child. You know the whole peek-a-boo game, except I was playing it with a Haitian male in his late 40's, on a bus at 11 o’clock on a Saturday night. A little strange I would say. But, to make a long story short, it must have been fate. Serendipity if you will, because as I write this, he is soaking my left cemented foot in hot water, while wearing a thong. And of course he is smiling at me.

-Before I mention this next nugget... I've noticed many older and younger relatives of mine hopping on the facebook bandwagon. Which is perfectly fine, this is a social networking site for the public, but be aware, you might see or hear stuff that may be more than a bit disturbing and inappropriate. I apologize in advance, but it is my duty to inform the public on my awkward misfortunes.

-I really think my "special member" is playing tricks one me. I don't know if any of you males or she-males have this issue, but whenever I'm done urinating, I give it two or three shakes to double-check, I then zip up my pants thinking I'm finished, and then (surprise) a few drips shoot out. This is constantly happening and I don't get it. I don't know if I should go on Oprah and ask Dr. Oz about this or if I should wear a diaper, but this is getting awfully frustrating. On the other hand, I know my "special member" is having a ball with the practical jokes. And don't even get me started what "he" does to me when I have a check-up at the doctor's office. Let's just say, he has a tendency to do his best "turtle impression".

-Speaking of my special member, what's the deal with Jennifer Anniston? I just don't get it! Something must be up with the gal. I mean I know she was dating douchebag Mayer, but how does this girl keep on getting dumped? She is friggin gorgeous and a highly successful actress. She must be one hell of a psychotic biatch behind closed doors, but even that wouldn't be enough for guys to keep on dumping her. There are plenty of dudes who marry hot ass basket cases. I think there's something else about her, which is why I've come to the conclusion that she is a constant, obsessive farter. She must pass the worse gas and give the most vile Dutch Ovens than no human has given before. That is the only explanation that would make sense to me

I'm Out!

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