Monday, January 17, 2011

An Awkward Time at the Movies...

The Fighter: When I saw the trailer for this movie it did pique my interest, but I was still unsure how good it was actually going to be. I know it’s shocking to say, but Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch has actually turned into one the best actors out there. Btw, what happened to the heavy-set African American woman from the “Good Vibrations” video? You would think she would make some type of cameo in one of his films. Since Marky Mark’s somewhat comical performance in “Fear” he has really improved leaps and bounds in the acting department. Before I get into my review, I have a bone to pick with the trailers. Trailers used to be one of my favorite parts of the movie experience. Now it seems like anytime I see an R-rated movie, every trailer has to be a film about the devil or something depressing. I mean are there no more comedies coming out? I honestly think I strained my neck from having to continually look away from the screen from the scary trailers! (And yes, I’m totally aware that this is completely pathetic for a 29-year-old male to do.) By the way is Natalie Portman taking over the world? She literally has four movies coming out. How about a little variety Hollywood? More on her later.

For some reason I have trouble pulling off this look.

The story and the acting were superb. These days, it is near impossible to keep my focus and interest for a full 2 hours. I’m usually thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner or when will be the next time I will make love to a beautiful woman. But this movie sucked me in. You might as well give the Oscar to Christian Bale for the best supporting actor because there is nobody coming close to that performance. I guess there’s a reason why that dude is a crazy a-hole… Because he can act! And who the heck played the mom?  I’ve never seen her before, but her character was so annoying I wanted to jump out of my seat and strangle her. And just so you know, if a character gets under your skin like that they’re doing a hell of a job. To top it all off the film had Amy Adams in her bra and underwear. By the way, what’s the deal with the word “panties?” When will dudes understand they come off as creepy when they say “panties.” Only women are allowed to say that word so let’s try to stick to it fellas. Anyway, by far the best movie of the year! This movie shows that whenever you get an opportunity in life, you have to make the most of it because you might not get another shot. And if you don’t… Then I guess you’re kind of screwed.   

Little Fockers: I’m sure most of you are wondering why the heck I saw this movie.  And after seeing it, I’m kind of wondering the same thing. The reason being I was in the mood for an easy, light-hearted movie. Plus, I am a huge fan of the original and knew they had to redeem themselves after the atrocious “Meet the Fockers.” And I’m not really sure if they did because I actually fell asleep during the film. I might have smiled at one joke during the time I was awake. Owen Wilson’s role in this movie was completely useless and there was way too much of him. Even though Jessica Alba got into her bra and underwear (notice I did not say panties) in the movie, I wanted to bang my head with a frying pan watching her. Her storyline about the Viagra drug and her character hitting on Ben Stiller was so bad, I probably would have preferred to of seen Barbara Streisand in her bra and underwear instead. And please don’t even get me started on the whole Dustin Hoffman salsa dancing thing because who’s ever that idea was should be blacklisted from the industry. By the way, Teri Polo must be thanking her lucky stars that they made three of these films. Because the only other thing I know she’s done is that nude Playboy spread from a few years back. And just so you know, I never saw the spread because I’m a man of honor and integrity. Actually not really, I just have no desire to see Teri Polo naked. 

True Grit: Okay, I know this movie got rave reviews and numerous accolades, but I just didn’t get it. I see how the young girl is talented, but I feel like the whole mature, intelligent kid has been done way too many times. I also could not understand about half of the dialogue because of the southern twang that was going on. It sounded like Jeff Bridges had 20 bags of Big League Chew in his mouth. Speaking of Big League Chew… God, I miss that stuff! I feel like you’re only allowed to chew that stuff if you’re playing little league baseball. On the other hand, if a person such as myself chews Big League Chew, I might come off as a pedophile. Honestly, I think this debate is more interesting than this film.

Black Swan: Before I saw this film, I always thought Natalie Portman was the least frightening person on this planet. After seeing this film, Natalie Portman scares the crap out of me. I realize I get scared rather easily, but come on people… You can’t tell me you didn’t flinch a few times during this film. I never really appreciate a director when I see a movie, but I can tell this Darren Aronofsky is a talent. Although, I’m not sure how he could break up with the one and only Rachel Weisz. Similar to “The Fighter” this movie moves quickly and the time flies by. By the end of it your brain feels worn out and all you can do is just sit and stare in outer space for a few minutes. So for that reason alone you gotta see it. Another reason to see this film is the hot provocative scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for saying this, but this movie made want to have a vagina. (Not permanently, just for a like few minutes.)

McNugget Golden Globe Observations…
-They should have just called it “The Social Network” and GLEE awards
-I think if Christian Bale wasn’t such a good actor, he would need to be institutionalized.
-Bruce Willis looked like he wanted to kill Ricky Gervais after he made fun of him.
-By the way, I like Ricky Gervais and all of his digs at celebrities… But has he forgotten that every single movie he’s done has been awful?
-Can Jack McBrayer from 30 ROCK ever stop smiling? It's a bit excessive.
I'm sorry, but somebody needs to punch this guy in the face.
-Christopher Nolan’s wife is probably a wonderful woman, but she’s not very easy on the eyes.
-On another note, who knew Peggy Bundy was so attractive? Damn!    
-I thought security should have stepped in when that Autistic woman mauled and bear hugged Claire Danes after she won. They probably would have been better off sitting the woman with Christian Bale.
-After listening to Andrew Garfield present an award, I think it would have made more sense for him to be the lead in “The King’s Speech.”
-Props to Natalie Portman making a joke about her pregnancy.(And on a good note, she didn't scare me!)
-Mila Kunis sure wasted no time in finding her rebound guy in James Franco. Franco at least makes sense to me, because I never really understood the whole Macaulay Culkin relationship. Maybe Brian Austin Green should have gave Macaulay some advice, since he has been able to hang onto Megan Fox for so long. He seriously must have hypnotized her to make her think we are currently in 1992.

I’m Out!   

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