For some unfortunate reason, I got the urge to do Stand-Up last week. This has been something I've been planning to do for a while now, but I had trouble getting the guts to do it. After making a fool out of myself at these Second City improv shows, I figured I could handle making a fool out of myself at an open mic. So last Monday night, I went with two of my buddies Mike and Steve for a comedic night of hell.
It was Steve's first time doing stand-up, while Mike has performed at different clubs numerous times. I got to the club about an hour before the stand-up was going to start. When I first got there, I met up with Steve and said, "What the hell am I doing here?" I'm not gonna lie, I kind of wanted to get the hell out of there, at the same time I desperately wanted to get rid of my stand-up virginity. To prove to you how nervous I was, I did not have any of the $2 special Cheesburgers they had going on there. Even though it did look pretty tasty, the inner fat was in a deep coma.
To decide the order on stage, everybody writes their name onto a piece of paper and throws it into the jar. Randomly the MC will pull out the names one by one and that will be the order. I really did not like this method because I had no idea when I was going to go on. I pretty much figured with my luck that I would be picked to go first.
The place was pretty packed with around fifty people, it was time for the MC to take the stage. Boy, was my heart beating fast. There was no way in hell, that I was prepared to go first. The MC did a few bad jokes and called out the first name. And fortunately, it was not me. Whewwwww! That was a close one. Now, I can relax a little now. As I was watching the first guy perform I started to focus in on the mic. The mic was connected to a stand, but you could of course remove it if you wanted to. But, I had no idea how to handle the mic. I started to worry that if I left the mic on the stand, it would probably be to short for me. Since I am a fairly tall dude. There was a way to change the length of the mic stand by turning the knob, but there was no way I was going to stand on stage for hours trying to figure out how to do that. So then I figured I would just take the mic off the stand and hold the mic. Then I started to worry if I would be able to get the mic back on the stand when I finished. Man, the torture of being inside my head! Anyways, my plan was to take the mic of the stand and then give back to the MC when I finished. Great plan!
Two guys had performed and the MC took the stage to introduce the third guy. He starts saying how "The next performer and I go way back. We have been great friends for many years." So I'm thinking great, there is no way this is me. More time for me to think about my act and worry about the mic. Then the MC calls out my name. I was like, "Are you friggin kidding me? Already." I did consider making a quick dash to the exit door, but I quickly realized that would look pretty ridiculous. So I sucked it up and took the stage.
When I got on stage, I could barely see anything because of the glaring lights. I took the mic of the stand with no problem. Okay, great start! For some odd reason I decided to comment on the MC saying that we were friends and how that we went way back. I was just going to make one statement and then move onto my act. Almost like a little icebreaker joke. As I looked at the MC, I said "I have never met this guy in my fuckin life!." Okay, not really sure why I cussed there. For some reason, I was hoping to get a laugh or two from that. All I got was silence. Then I decided to say, "I have no idea who this fuckin guy is? This guy is filled of fuckin shit!" All I am getting are blank stares and total silence. The MC is giving me a dirty look like he ready to beat my ass. And I have no idea why I am cussing so much. I almost felt like I had a combination of Turrets Syndrome and being possessed by Red Fox at the Def Comedy Jam. I have no idea what got into me?
After a horrible and awkward start, it was time to go into my act. To keep it simple, my act was about how I have a ten year old fat kid trapped in my body. I thought it was decent material, but I had no idea how people were going to react to it. I start off by asking the question "Who here eats food?" I got a few courtesy laughs from the dumb question. Then I went straight into my act. As I am on stage, I could hear absolutely nothing. No laughing at all. So I am pretty much assuming that I am bombing pretty badly. Boy, is it a horrible feeling bombing. You feel like you are the only person left on the planet. I desperately wanted to stop my act, as I could see it was going absolutely nowhere. But I knew I had to suck it up and finished it off. After a extremely awkward and disasterful four minutes, I handed the mic to the MC and said to him, "Here's the fuckin mic. You fuckin bastard." Settle down everybody, I'm just joking about that last line. All I ready did was hand the mic to him, shook his hand, and walked off stage. Boy, was I glad that painful experience was over.
I'm out!
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