Friday, June 21, 2013

The Wallet

Given it was recently Father’s Day and social media was overflowing with irritating tributes, I figured now would be a good time to share a different type of story. A story where my father was so disgusted with me I thought he was going to trade me in for a young boy from Somalia.
It was the summer going into my junior year of college and I went go see “American Pie 2” with a buddy on a Friday night (horrible sequel, but I have to admit “American Reunion” is not getting the respect it deserves.) The next day I went to grab my wallet and it wasn’t there. I was mystified because I left my wallet in the same place every day (a basket by the front door.) I looked all over the house and there was no trace of it. Because I am a horribly honest individual I made the mistake of informing my dad of the situation.

“What? How could you lose it? Why are you so irresponsible? What is wrong with you?” My dad was absolutely furious with me. I felt like James Van Der Beek (minus the good looks and success) in that scene from “Varsity Blues” when he was getting berated by his father.

I don't want your life, but can I borrow 20 bucks?

With not many options available, my dad ordered me to go back to the movie theater to find the wallet. Unfortunately nobody at the theater had seen any wallets, but told me I could search inside. So I got on my hands and knees on the sticky and buttery floor to look underneath the seats. No dice. Then I had the thought that maybe I lost my wallet in the parking lot. I got on my hands and knees again and looked underneath cars and still came up empty.  

I returned home and my dad expressed his disappointment some more and told me to call and cancel my credit cards. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Even though it was just a wallet with a little over a $100, two credit cards and my driver’s license, I felt like my life was over.  

As I spoke with the credit card company on the phone, my dad walked towards me. I thought he was going to bitch slap me, but instead he hands me a small, leather, square-shaped item. It was my wallet! I was in complete and utter shock. How did he find it? Was my dad some kind of hero? Did he beat up and tackle the thief that stole it? Not even close.  

“I thought your wallet was mine and took it to work,” my dad explained in a non-apologetic tone and with that he simply walked away.    

Dad, even though you caused me an unbelievable amount of grief that day and I’m now traumatized for life about losing my wallet, you’re still the best father and role model a son could ask for. Plus, we’re pretty much even since I chose a profession that would be any father’s nightmare… a writer.  

Happy Belated Father’s Day!

Speaking of Father’s Day, do you want to know what a good gift would be? A juicy and succulent 6-Piece McNugget.
1. I was sitting on my couch the other day and heard two women screaming at each other across the street. Some time passes and then I see one of the women, 50s, calmly walk up the driveway and then out of nowhere she starts keying a VW Bug parked there. She gets back in her car and drives off. A few minutes later, I hear the other woman screaming on her phone. “How could you key Asshole on my car!” God, I love neighbors.

2. Speaking of neighbors…in one of my previous blogs, I mentioned how I had this little hipster dude who lived above me and would stomp around all night and run down the stairs like his feet were on fire. Fortunately I moved recently and don’t have to deal with his crap. That was until I realized he works right by new place and parks on my street everyday. Hmm…If only I knew an insane individual that could key his car…           

3. I have a gut feeling the reality Bravo TV show “Princesses of Long Island,” which follows the lives of rich and spoiled Jewish young girls, is not going to help the issue of anti-semitism around the world.  

The sad part is that each one of these girls rejected me on JDate.

4. Twitter should consider changing its name to "The reason my foot fell asleep while sitting on the toilet."  

5. Not sure why Kanye West named his baby Northwest, since there seem to be a lot of white people in that direction. 

6. I would be one unstoppable human being, if my motivational thoughts in the shower also existed outside of the shower. 


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