An Awkward Night at the Movies

The other night the wife and I saw the film “Prisoners.” For those that don't know, the movie is about a detective (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) who is trying to track down the individual that kidnapped Hugh Jackman’s young daughter. 

The Feel-Good movie of the year

As I was suffocating my face with popcorn and Junior Mints (a combination that surprising works,) I noticed a cell phone light shining a few rows ahead of me. I assumed it was a one-time deal for this individual, so I did my best to ignore it. Then a few minutes later, I see the cell pop up again and then a third time. All I could think was what the hell was wrong this person? Are they some type of ER surgeon? Do they work for the President? Are they receiving sexts from Joseph Gordon Levitt? 

 Only this would be a valid excuse. Am I right ladies?

A little later, two women sitting in the same row as the cell phone bandit get up and move a few rows back. Unless the mysterious cell phone bandit was passing horrible gas, it made no sense to me why the two ladies would make this switch. If you're going to switch seats then at least go in front of the cell phone bandit. Also, what’s the deal with everyone’s love affair with sitting in the middle of the rows and being crammed next to people? Don’t you guys realize it makes no difference to the movie experience? No one in history has ever said, “I saw Citizen Kane once in a theater, but couldn’t really enjoy it because I was stuck sitting in an aisle seat.”

Despite the mysterious cell phone bandit, the film is keeping my interest because of all the suspense and strong acting. We get towards the end of the movie and I’m at the edge-of-my-seat because I don't know what's going to happen (and plus I get scared easily.) It is dead silence and Jake Gyllenhaall is close to solving the kidnapping case. I hear a cell phone ring and I’m thinking… “Oh my God! Who is Jake Gyllenhaal’s character getting a phone call from? Could it be the victim? Is it the kidnapper? Who is it???? 

Instead I see a large Latino man in front of me answer his phone and shout, “Yo dude, I’m in a movie! Dude, I’m in a movie! Yo, I’m in a movie!” 

Finally, he gets off the phone and I look back at the screen and the movie is over. I totally missed the ending. I couldn't believe it. I turn to the wife to ask her about the ending and she didn't know either because she was also distracted. We then frantically ask people sitting near us to help explain what happened.  

Conventional wisdom should suggest that I should have told this large Latino fellow to pipe down and put the phone away. But my rule of thumb has always been to never confront a stranger unless I know I could beat them up in a fight. That's why whenever I have road rage and want to give a honk/middle finger, I first look at the driver to make sure its someone not very intimidating. 

 

My Road Rage Targets

The lights turn back on in the theater and I turn my attention to the cell phone bandit. I really want to see who this a-hole is. Lo and behold I see a young chubby girl probably around the age of 8 or 9. Are you effing kidding me? What parent in their right mind takes their young child to a violent and creepy film about a young girl getting kidnapped? I mean I'm 32 years old and even I felt traumatized by the movie.

As we're exiting down the steps of the theater the wife starts yelling various things out loud directed to both the large Latino Man and also the parent of the chubby little cell phone girl. Even though the wife was in the right, she was kind of out of control. I did my best to settle her down and avoid causing a scene. The last thing I needed was to have her rile them up and then I'm forced to defend her. (Cut to: Me getting put in a headlock by the large Latino fellow, while the chubby little cell phone girl kicks me in the balls.)

I think the lesson here is that our society is becoming more and more obsessed with cell phones. Don't you remember the good old days, when you would go to a movie and not have to worry about being disrupted by a shiny light or a obnoxious phone conversation? I really think we need to focus on...  (A cell phone buzzes)

Sorry guys, but I gotta go. Just got another sext from JGL.

Speaking of tasty and desirable treats... How about a 6-Piece Chicken McNugget?

1. Staying on the film subject.. The real reason Somali pirates hijacked the ship in "Captain Phillips" was to get their money back after seeing "Larry Crowne."

2. I was at Adam Carolla's studio for work (humblebrag) chatting and laughing it up with some of his staff. Right before I leave, I use their bathroom and notice there is a large piece of spinach/lettuce stuck in my front teeth. Lovely.   

3. Some people might work-out to remain thin, but I work-out to remain slightly doughy. 

4.  I'm resigned to the fact that the middle brother from Hanson will look like a hot chick for the  rest of my life.

Hot chick?

5. Speaking of hot blonde chicks... I recently saw Pamela Anderson at a coffee shop. All I can say it was extremely emotional for my left hand to be reunited with his first love.  We both cried.

6. Does anyone know how to get my penis enlargement emails to go directly to my inbox instead of my spam folder? I appreciate the help in advance. 

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H.A.K.A.S.